Kid Free Reception?

View Quoted Comment

This is true. My 5 year old told me she will put up with our soon to be boring ceremony only because she gets to enjoy the fun party afterwards, lol.

I agree with the people saying it’s not your problem. You gave her plenty of notice and there is no real reason why the girls can’t go to her parents. You are being accommodating enough by offering a room set up for the girls. Sounds like so much added stress. I hope she can figure it out for your FH feelings sake.

I personally think that even though you are offering accommodations for the kids, you should still let them come to the reception. I'm not saying this is how you think (because it doesn't seem that way via your post) BUT using them for your ceremony and not allowing them to come to the reception could be seen as using them as a 'prop' for your wedding. I would be very upset if someone wanted my kids to be in their wedding, but after the ceremony they wanted them to disappear.

Also, another thing to consider before going completely child-free is if their mom/you/ your FS/ anyone else has told them they will be in the wedding. At 5 years old that child will be VERY much aware that they were excluded if they already knew about the plans.

Also, my family all bring their children to evening weddings with open bars (and real bars for that matter). That's totally personal preference.

View Quoted Comment

Good Point. I'm just getting myself all worked up for nothing. At this point she hasn't even had a discussion about it with us so she may just be venting.

Thank you!

View Quoted Comment

Thank you. SO do I

I have decided to have a child-free wedding as well. In order to prevent any issues, we are not having a flower girl or ring bearer. My sister asked if my nieces can come to the ceremony if she gets someone to come and pick them up and I agreed to that. However I do think that it is an inconvenience to the parents for you to want them to be in the wedding and then their parents have to make arrangements for them to leave. Maybe just don't have them in the wedding? Technically the children are providing you with a service being in the wedding and they should be invited to the reception. They will also probably be upset when they have to leave the party.

I think the fact that you are paying for everything for the girls does help your case. But I mean this in the nicest way though, having them in the wedding but not the reception kind of makes it seem like they are props. Like "here be in my photos and be cute in my ceremony but we don't actually want to spend time with you". Now I'm SURE that's not what you meant it to come across as, but it certainly could come across that way. Many people make exceptions for the kids in the wedding party since they are typically very close to the Bride and Groom and they don't want to impose on the parents by making them leave to find other accommodations. Just my two cents.

I always thought it was awkward having kids at the ceremony and not the reception. But even more awkward having 2 kids at the reception and no one else they can interact with. I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. If I was your sister, I would feel like you're using my kids as a photo-op and then shushing them along. So my decision would be, "I appreciate the thought, but since it won't really be a kid-friendly affair, I'd just rather not have my kids in your ceremony."

______________

As a sidebar, I can really relate to the family situation here [rant ahead]. My FH and I decided no kids at the reception either. We are having it at an art gallery (so breakables), and I wasn't paying for an extra 15 mouths to feed when our reception was so small (50 ppl). That seemed ridiculous.

Our ceremony and reception are on 2 different days (ceremony Friday; party Saturday). So I let the sisters know (both have kids), that the kids were more than welcome at the ceremony. However, the reception is kids-free. We would happy to organize babysitting up in the area for them during the 3 hour reception.

I knew both mom's would likely be staying overnight in the area, and thought that might create less stress for them. My FSIL was great about it! She said that she'll just have grandma on the other side babysit their 9 month old since it would get too confusing finding an infant sitter during that time. That would give her the freedom to just enjoy the weekend. I said, "okay, let me know if I can do anything to make it easier for you." She thanked me and that was that....

My sister, on the other hand, was completely different. When I told her that it would be kid-free, she grew quiet and said it would be difficult. I discussed a few options (asking about grandparents who often visit them, friends near them, I could find babysitting near me, etc.) However, it just wasn't feasible for her.

There was also some commentary on how my 9 year old niece should be treated differently - which was odd since they would still need to find coverage for the almost 3 year old, but okay. We have 6-7 year old's on my FH's side, so I dismissed the "age bracket thing" and let her know it was a firm rule across the board. They decided that my brother-in-law wouldn't make it, so he could watch the girls. Which is completely justified, just a bummer. If I didn't know about her complaining, that's be completely understandable.

... and then a few weeks go by and she's complaining to everyone about how angry she is at the decision. Well, everyone except me. She continued to complain for months, and might still be complaining now. I just haven't heard anything either way from my family. Mothers are allowed to do anything they want for the safety of their children. If that's the choice that makes her the most comfortable. That's her choice. However, I do wish she'd talk to me directly.

I really appreciate everyone's comments. Its a silly thing but comes with a big decision. As many of you have commented, I feel it now necessary to state that the girls are in no way, ever were or ever will be considered "props". We love them very much and want them to be apart of our special day with us as we have been apart of every special moment in their lives.

My discussion was never about not wanting them around it was about being balancing the respect for our decision and the respect to our other guests while we try not to inconvenience my FSIL to much.

Thank you again for your comments they have given me a lot to think about and a lot to discuss with FSIL.

View Quoted Comment

I completely agree! At the end of the day it is her decision. I just wish we could work it out together.

I’m totally with you on the kid-free reception. That’s what we’re doing - our venue just isn’t kid-friendly and I didn’t want them running around! That being said, I think making that decision means no kids in the ceremony either. I agree with others that said you can’t have both, you can’t ask the kids to be in the ceremony and not allow them to come to the reception. I don’t think your future SIL is being unreasonable. It’s true she could have voiced her concerns earlier, but that doesn’t make her concerns any less valid. It’s possible she’s only just thinking through the logistics now.

I’d make an exception and let the kids come to the wedding (or let them decide at this point to not be in the ceremony).

View Quoted Comment

I'm sure I can speak for many people here, I in no-way thought you actually considered your nieces as props. That's only how I know a lot of mothers perceive things like that. Thank you for being open-minded and listening to everyone's comments.

We are having an adult-only reception. This is YOUR day. If this is something that's an issue for people, then so be it. You make the rules!

We are having a no kid wedding besides the ones that are in the ceremony. As a mom I would be taken back that my child was asked to be in the wedding but not attend the reception. I bet those girls are so excited for the day anyways. When my son was 4 he was a Ringbearer for my brothers no kid wedding so he got to go to the party! He had such a blast and danced the night away at the open bar late wedding reception with no issues.

Truthfully this lady is going to be your family for the rest of your life, is this really the battle you want to fight and have hard feelings going into the family?

To me, it is two girls, I would let them join.

But this is me

View Quoted Comment I’ve been with FH off and on for 22 years. He has 4 sisters. Indulge me while I give some unsolicited advice about dealing with my future husband’s sisters. When there’s a disagreement about something that’s not life and death, it’s usually one or the other of us creating a power struggle. When I let it go, we all have more peace. Never have these disagreements caused me even a small amount of discomfort after I’ve just given up my position. If it did cause me discomfort, my FH is more comfortable because there’s no tension.

To to be honest, this sounds like your future SIL creating a power struggle.

View Quoted Comment

But is the sister so petty that she would ruin her brother's wedding by backing out? No, probably not. I suspect that she is just making a bunch of noise to get you to cave, knowing you're a nice person. Once she realizes you won't change your mind, she'll stop fussing.

Don't do it!! Listen to FH and stick to your decision!! Good luck.

As a mother if someone told me they wanted my kids in their wedding but they weren’t welcome to the reception I would feel like they’re using them as a prop. Love them or not that’s what they become. A cute little thing to walk down the isle for people to ooh and ahh over and look cute in your pictures then taken away so you don’t have to deal with them. Also hiring a random babysitter to watch my young children in another room is not something that would happen. Most parents I know only use sitters that are family or super close personal friends. I have two different suggestions that may work. The first would be talk with the sister and ask her about having the kiddos there for a bit but as the night goes on and they get tired if they could go with a sitter of her choosing( suggest one of her friends that she trusts) or tell her you’ve changed your mind and you have no flower girls.

Hi Jillian,

I think you accommodating with a baby sitter and separate room is very kind of you and you did not even have to go that far. I think his sister is making an issue because if she lives that close to the wedding why even stay at a hotel that is basically the same distance as her house or that is next to her parents home. I also think, that you have given enough time and she would not have to leave the reception she can have someone from her husbands side of the family pick up her children. I do not think you are using them as a prop, I think they are special to you and you want them there but you also want to be fair all in all and you want everyone to enjoy the reception without the worry of children. At my brothers wedding, he had only family children, it was about 5 in total and the kids decided to play hide and seek and thought 1 of my nephews were lost.. the bride had to leave her party and help the family look for my nephew! who was not even her child! she missed her favorite song being played! how is this fair??? she has paid for this day and has waited for her wedding since a little girl! for the people who are complaining about the cost of being in a wedding, I am sorry but most of the time I have seen parents change their children anyway so what is the point of complaining about spending money on an outfit... also it is not like we will be choosing outfits that cost a heavy penny wouldn't you be spending money on a new outfit regardless?

At the end of the day, we have to do what makes us happy and what is best for the vision and vibe we would like for our wedding I am glad that you are sticking to your guns and also that you were respectful enough to give so much time for them to figure out what to do and also you have tried to even offer so much help so you can achieve the day you want! you go girl!

I am having the exact same issue. It's so difficult. I don't want to give in but at this point, I just might let 2 kids at the reception

View Quoted Comment It is hard. We just sent out invites and up until we put them in the mail we were going back and forth. But at the end of the day it's your wedding and you shouldn't have to feel bad about it. We choose no kids. Period. So now we have to have the awkward conversations with friends and family who assumed their kids would be coming. We actually ended up putting that info on our website and leaving it at that. When we did our rsvps. We had a sentence added that said we had reserved blank number of seats in their honor. So they would know if you are a family of 5 we only have 2 seats for you...hope you dont get as bashed as I did on here for not wanting kids at a formal wedding!