Keeping Families Separate

I think your FH needs to tell his family that if they cannot behave respectfully at your wedding, then they will not be welcome. His family sounds like a bunch of backwards assholes and I wouldn't care to celebrate AT ALL with people who are westboro baptist levels of intolerant. They need to learn their intolerance is not acceptable.

No advice, just want to say I'm so sorry and feel so awful for you that you're marrying info such a shitty close minded family. I don't think I'd be able to handle that

Agree with minniemiska.

Has your FH talked to his family about this? If they can't promise to be civil, I would not invite them. I wouldn't want to celebrate with them at all, but if you are going to do so for your FH, I'd make them your separate small reception. I know that's not necessarily fair to FH, but it's also not fair to you, your brother, and the rest of your family/friends to have your wedding plans controlled by these hateful people. Maybe it's selfish to look at it this way, and obviously this is something you need to discuss with FH to decide, but I think it's kind of BS that neither side can witness the wedding because one side is bigoted.

How does his family even function out in the real world?

I think you should just have a wedding, and if his family does anything hateful or volatile towards your family, have them escorted out. I don't think it's fair to you or your family to let them have so much power over this decision.

I don't know if you're planning to have children, but just think about the precedent this would be setting. Is every child's birthday party, every holiday or special occasion going to be driven by catering to his bigot relatives' needs?

I have a slightly similar though not nearly as extreme situation. I have many gay and lesbian friends- some of whom are in interracial relationships. Part of FHs family is extremely conservative. They are being told of the diverse crowd and can decide on their own if they want to come or not. They are also being told that at any time if they make anyone feel uncomfortable they will be asked to leave. Sorry you are going through this. It blows my mind that people like this still exist!

Idk... I had a friend who was worried about similar family incompatibility. They had a very VERY small immediate family only for the ceremony and then did the reception at the same place much later in the evening... Maybe be up front with your future inlaws about the behavior you expect and make sure your FH is ok with people being asked to leave if they become verbal about their beliefs. In my opinion, the only exception to this rule would be your brother. I would explain to both families that you know that they are different. No amount of them arguing will change either sides ideas. Tell them that whoever brings up any hot topics will be asked to leave, period. I know it's hard. I am very different from even my fiancé with certain ideals and I just choose to not discuss it because we don't change legislation by arguing about these things.

I sat with my cousins grandma (not mine and she was Southern Baptist) and she was telling my cousins Jewish groomsman that he was going to burn in hell. The groomsman laughed it off, I was appalled.

I would explain your brothers autism to the other family too and say that he will be the only exception to the rule but anyone who eggs him on in any way will be asked to leave.

That's what I would do, but you have to decide what to do on your own.

Coming from someone in a similar situation, we decided to rule out a big wedding. I understand what you mean by adults not acting like adults--- unfortunately its happening on both sides with me.

We picked the people we felt needed to be there. I'm a very blunt person and I personally had no problem with explaining my choices to our families. If you're the same way, maybe try it my way.

I sat them down and simply said.... Here is why I cant have a wedding, a real one, with everyone. I gave good examples of past events that have taken place. I told them this is my day as well as my FHs and it wont be destroyed. Then I told the people who are invited that the moment they start problems they will not only be shown the door, they will permenantly be out of my life.

Some people say I'm harsh, but reality is ive dealt with this my whole life so I'm done. And if they cant be respectful ONE day then I don't want that kind of negativity in my life.

@futuremrsj sometimes you have to be blunt. I find it's easier on me in the long run. I have a sister of my FH that's saying she hates another sister and is upset that she's going and that "shits gonna happen" and I just told her "you think that sister is going to care ten years down the road? You'll be ruining my and your brothers day. I hope that you can set aside your differences for us for that day, because it won't matter to either one of you, but it will matter a great deal for us. We get one day to ask everyone to be civil for us, surely you can do that." Then told my MOH to bounce people who start shit. Because I don't care if they get asked to leave. I'll care if I have memories of them being shitty.

Destination Wedding. Or Elope

First of all, I want to say I'm really Sorry you're having to deal with this instead of just being able to plan for your special day but I know exactly what you mean. The whole "they are adults and should be able to behave" is a blanket statement that doesn't fit everyone unfortunately and even though it doesn't necessarily mean they will be fist fighting and throwing stuff, the stares and whispering and judgement will be felt and will ruin your day. Some of my family who I'm not too close to is very conservative Hispanic so I know what you mean, you can't un-teach intolerance.

I agree with Andie 100%... Have a simple courthouse wedding and then have 2 nice mini wedding-like parties and enjoy with both families keeping your sanity at the same time. Good luck with everything and just know that you don't have to force them to all be together to have a great wedding. It's you and your FH's day, no one else's so do what you feel more comfortable with.

My son pretty much did what you're talking about. The wedding itself was on the East Coast, where we live. The bride's immediate family showed up. However, rather than invite the rest of her family, they had a big reception on the West Coast, where her family lives.

Traditionally, having this sort of thing was quite common, although the wedding was traditionally in the bride's home town, and the second reception was in the groom's. The idea was that it was easier on the guests if the bride and groom traveled from one city to the other than to require all of the bride's or groom's family to travel across the country.

Note that we are talking only about two receptions, not two ceremonies. A second ceremony is unnecessary if you are already married.

In my son's case, the public explanation was that the bride's family was quite large, the travel for the bride's family would have been long and expensive, and the bride's family was Indonesian so it was easier to have their own reception at which they wouldn't feel obligated to speak English all the time. But it's also true that the bride's family tends toward conservatism and homophobia. NotFroofy and I managed to share a parents' table at the East Coast reception with the bride's deeply homophobic father, but a reception with all of both families might have been more challenging, to say the least.

How far apart do the two families live in your case? Could you justify separate receptions by citing the distance between them?

As you say, another alternative would be an elopement, perhaps followed by separate receptions. You don't have to have a courthouse wedding. Check out elopement packages. Often, they will have an officiant at a bed and breakfast or other nice location, and allow for at least a few guests.

I am so sorry you and your fiance are struggling with difficult family members. I agree with PPs that have suggested an elopement with separate receptions after. Especially Annakay's suggestion to plan a weekend away, still get an officiant, dress up, get flowers and a photographer...you could even each invite a witness if you had someone you were going to ask to be your MOH and he had someone in mind for his BM. I do think 2d Bride makes a good point about whether your two families live far enough apart to justify separate receptions. Do they?

Our families do live far away enough that we could justify the two weddings thing. It would be nice to do one ceremony and reception where we/my family live and a reception near his family like 2d suggested. The difficulty is that it's his parents that are the real issue, and I think they'd still try to come if we had a ceremony with attendants. So it seems that a ceremony without either family is the only way to really keep the peace. I also really liked the idea of doing an elopement at a nice destination with a photographer, I think that would make it feel much more special. Thanks!

I guess the issue that I'm running into with the two receptions thing is how to enjoy the one with his. I don't enjoy time with his family and it makes me a little sad to think of associating a wedding reception (even if it's one of two) with being that uncomfortable. It would be nice to have at least my mom at his family's reception, to help me keep my sanity. But I don't know how I could justify my mom being at both receptions and not his. Again, thank you for all of your support in this uneasy decision.

What about getting married in private and celebrating with the families separately? If you are looking to have 2 weddings that going to be an issue since you will already be married at the second one. I would just have one wedding and keep the planning and details to yourself (sharing information is generally where problems come from)....