Keeping Families Separate

Not gonna happen. Sorry.... You can have ONE wedding, and the other one will just be a party. How are you going to decide who gets to go to the actual wedding?!

They are adults and should be able to behave at a wedding. Just don't seat them together and you should be fine.

I agree with @Corinne. Really the most you can do is for the ceremony do the whole bride's side and groom's side, then for the reception do the seating charts and don't seat them together.

If you have two separate weddings, it's going to cause a lot of tension because one family would've been included in the true wedding and the other will feel excluded.

Ditto on what everyone else has said.

Pray that everyone is on their best behavior?

Hi everyone thanks for the quick responses. Though I agree that adults should be able to behave, I find our families don't really fit that assumption. His family's zealousness errs on the side of westboro baptist, while my transgender brother is severely autistic and unable to handle that kind of social situation. The more we look at it, the more we realize that one communal wedding isn't an option. Does anyone have experience doing two separate celebrations due to different family needs? Any tips on how to make each celebration feel special for respective families?

First off adults can survive one night together. They're ADULTS they understand consequences

They should respect you and FH enough to be adults on your wedding day and not cause any issues.

I know some people are literally not capable of doing that, do you think they can set aside differences for a few hours?

ETA - sorry, I was posting before I got to read your last comment. That's tough...

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't have two separate celebrations just because grown adults refuse to act civil for a few hours out of respect for their son/daughter.

If you have a seating chart and the separate areas during the ceremony, you only have to worry about cocktail hour really. If the conversation never goes towards religion or anything like that (some people can't tell that someone is transgendered) then they should be fine during that. I doubt much conversation will happen during the dancing portion of the night.

I really don't think you can have 2 separate celebrations like that without insulting one family or the other. 1) the family invited to the second celebration would feel excluded from sharing your truly special moment; 2) are you planning on informing them or will they find out when they discuss anniversaries? Not mention how costly that is going to be.

So how does his family act at public functions? At work? A restaurant? Just in the real world in general? If families can't put aside their differences to share the love of two people then I find this quite sad. How do you plan to unite as a family in the future? Holidays? If you have children, their school functions? I'm just perplexed as to how adults can't shut their mouth for two seconds. And as a fellow Christian this is the type of extreme that causes others to question Christianity. You don't have to agree but you can be respectful.

Besides two weddings sounds complicated and expensive. Is it possible to invite those who are less extreme?

If you really must have two separate celebrations, I wouldn't have the actual wedding at either. I would get married at the courthouse then have two separate receptions. That way neither family will have another reason to have animosity towards the other.

At this point if you feel they can't be civil for just a few hours I would probably get married at the courthouse with your closest friends and then hold a dinner celebration with each side. No conflicts and no one is hurt because one side got to be there and the other didn't.

It hurts my heart that they wouldn't be able to keep their mouths shut for one day while they all enjoy your wedding. I'm sorry that you're even in that situation. I agree with Andie - it seems like an elopement and then two receptions may be the best route.

Sorry, basically I completely agree with Andie lol

Andie's suggestion is the best way to handle that, because then neither side would be able to say they witnessed the true start to your marriage. You could from there have 2 smaller receptions to help keep costs down from having to have separate receptions.

As a Christian it's extremely frustrating for me that this is even something that is even a reality for you... It sucks.

This is such a tough situation, I think it's presumptuous of people to assume that everybody knows how to be polite and decent people when the situation calls for it - clearly these people don't. I think you and your FH need to decide with what will make YOU TWO happiest and most at peace. That could be getting married at the courthouse just you two then having a party afterwards for friends and then two separate dinners with each immediate family for one idea.

Thank you all for your kind words of support and advice. It is hard because my FH and I had been initially excited about including our families in our wedding, as we are both close to our respective families. So, the idea of elopement has been hard for us to get excited for. But I think celebrations after could be nice. And at the end of the day we both know the most important part is the marriage not the wedding. Thanks again and if anyone has experience in making a courthouse wedding or elopement still feel romantic and special that would be greatly appreciated.

I wish you well. As a Christian myself, those extreme actions make me angry. Our job is to show the love of Christ, now make people run away from us.

Has anyone else in your FI's family had to deal with this situation? Maybe they could offer you some advice.

Please change your avatar to something other than the rings. They are associated with spam/trolls, so it will help you get more responses. Thanks!

You can't have two weddings. If you truly don't think you can even have your families in the same room, you should probably elope. But keep in mind this is only the beginning of a lifetime of celebrations and milestones, especially if you plan to have children together. However, I think it's fair to warn your family about your FH's family (and emphasize that he does NOT share their beliefs) and I also think it's fair to warn your FH's family that you expect them to be polite, respectful and kind to YOUR family.

I just read your follow-up comments. I think an elopement can still be very romantic! First of all, you don't need to do it at the courthouse. You can hire an officiant, just like you would for a regular ceremony, who will customize your ceremony and your vows just to you. I would find a beautiful B&B or state park, somewhere with beautiful scenery that wouldn't need decor. Buy a beautiful dress and wear a veil if you want- it doesn't need to be a short dress (you can even wear it again at your reception!) and have your FH rent a tux. Get a florist to design a bouquet and boutonniere for you. Hire a photographer so you have beautiful pictures - it will be much cheaper than a typical wedding photographer because you would only need them for an hour or two at most. Make reservations at a super nice restaurant and enjoy your first meal with your new husband!

Does your brother have an aide or someone he trusts to have his back you can invite? Can you hire security to keep an eye on the people you're worried will harass your brother? If you don't think your FH's family can be trusted to be kind to your brother or at least leave him alone on your wedding day, either security or two separate receptions seems like the way to go to me.