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Just Said Yes July 2019

Keep the Wedding plan. or Cut losses and Elope?

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Sarah, on May 21, 2019 at 9:32 PM

Posted in Planning 31

I got engaged on New years this year (01/01/19) and was very excited. Even knowing we would be paying for the ourselves I couldn't help but want the dream wedding I have always wanted. I had the song I would dance with my dad with to planned since the day I heard it when it was released in 2011. However, even before I was engaged my father would question why I wanted and actual wedding and always suggested I go to the court house. BUT no I planned a wedding, and went the day after I had shoulder surgery to view venues, picked one, booked a photographer, booked hair and make up, picked out bridesmaids dresses, and of course impulsively bought and off- the- rack- sale- dress that is now too big and definitely not my dream dress. That of course when I showed my mother and asked if it was what she pictured me wearing she states.. and I quote word for word. "HONESTLY I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET MARRIED SO I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT, BUT I GUESS ITS A NICE DRESS". Also since finishing 90% of planning, its become evident that not a single person, other than myself and the groom are excited. No one wants to help me, or even offer a supportive word. The grooms sister threw fits about the date I had picked because she refuses to talk to her ex husband to get his niece/ nephew on a weekend she doesn't have them, which caused me to change my date multiple times. The grooms mother and some other family don't want to travel for my bridal party/ bachlorette party. My MOH doesn't want to help look for restaurants to cater, nor do my other bridesmaids (my sisters). And not a single one of them, including my soon to be mother in law can be bothered to help me go find a dress. I have not asked for a dime, simply their support and all I've been given is remarks such as "do I have to", "its so far", and "can't you hire someone to do that". And of course my fiance wants nothing more but to help but he doesn't want to see my dress, and he from the beginning has said the only thing he cares about is that I'm there when we getting married no matter how we do it.

So here is my question. I have not sent out invitations yet, and have not paid more than deposits (on Dj, hair, venue, photographer). Would it be terrible of me to cancel the traditional wedding and just elope and have small parties with family and friends at later dates? I fear missing memories that I won't be able to make again, but I also don't want to deal with the stress of feeling like I'm alone and not supported by my bridal party. I'm realizing I have the same feelings as my fiance and only care that its a memorable day for the two of us and I could care less about what everyone else thinks.

The main thing that is important to me is of course my fiance being there, and pictures to remember the day.

SO... keep the wedding plan. Or cut my losses and go elope..

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31 Comments

Devoted August 2020
Keyona · on May 22, 2019 at 11:21 AM
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Honestly, I think you should cut your losses and plan something nice for you 2. Maybe take a trip and elope or something I totally get where you are coming from my family is so so about it all one min excited the next completely blah. So part of me is like I could be happy with just FH and a minister on top a mountain at this point.
Wish you the best of luck on whatever you decide.
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Dedicated September 2019
Samantha · on May 22, 2019 at 11:48 AM
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I say cut you cut your losses and spend all that money and go on a trip of a lifetime. If the most important people in your life show that little interest in your big day, then don't include them. Maybe I'm being too harsh but it seems incredibly insensitive (not to mention insulting) of how they're responding to what should be one of the best days of your life.
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Dedicated October 2020
Brooke · on May 22, 2019 at 12:01 PM
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Clearly they aren't excited. I've never heard of someones mother, especially the BRIDE, not care. Being in the bridal party means, you help. Yes, there are expectations to wedding planning and being helped by those whom are supposed to be closest to you. I don't know what weddings you've been in, but you're definitely supposed to help, helping does not mean money. It's the thought that counts, the love that one is supposed to share onto the bride while picking a dress, the little things that the bride wants opinions on, such as, decor and where to place this and that.
There isn't another perspective to look at it from.

If you're comfortable cutting your losses, then do it. Have an intimate wedding with you and your FH, and a few people you do feel actually give a crap. Don't knock down your wedding to a meer courthouse wedding because of some pricks, still have YOUR day, just on a smaller scale.
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Dedicated October 2019
Jennifer future Mrs. K-H · on May 22, 2019 at 12:01 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that! That really sucks and you shouldn't have to be going through all that. How are they feeling about your fiance? We can't choose our family, but I hope that you and fiance can find supportive friends and build that network of "choosen family." That's super important for your mental, emotional and spiritual health and happiness. To answer your question though, only you and fiance can decide what's best for YOUR life. To me it's sounding like you may be happier keeping it small and intimate. Maybe have your dad still attend so you can have the dance with him? At the end of the day it's about what your and fiance decide is best and your family will either come kicking and screaming, or complain they weren't invited. I hope everything works out well for you.
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Devoted July 2019
WifeyPoo · on May 22, 2019 at 12:10 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this and I am going to gently suggest that you stop caring about what other people think. My FH and I have entertained a lot over the past few years and we have a motto: set the date, send the invitations, be happy about who shows up, and be respectful about those who don't. Those who want to be there, will. And they'll be very happy and excited for you.
If you think you can't adopt this motto, then cut your losses and make it a special time for you and your honey. DW's are not expensive if it's just the two of you.
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Super September 2019
Iva · on May 22, 2019 at 12:27 PM
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What you’re describing sounds very nice & I agree, would be ideal. But not everybody is all giddy & excited about wedding planning. Not everybody has the same level of emotional response to a wedding (op parents to me sound like this type of people). Some people also might be going through tough or extremely busy personal times & they maybe don’t have time or energy to help, even if they want to. I also know people who think weddings are waste of time & money & who despite being super in love with their partner (for decades) have no interest in planning a wedding. I also know people who just have no opinion on which dress is prettier, or what flowers look better, etc. My FMIL is like this, even though she is the most wonderful, loving person & super excited for me & FH & for our love. I can go on... But these people might still be more than happy to attend a wedding & celebrate with a couple.

I’m very close to my & FH family & my closest friends, who are always there for me when I need them. Yet, I still don’t think anybody is obligated to go dress shopping with me, or to do any other wedding related things, except for my FH. This is our wedding, so we’re responsible for planning it.

My main message to op is that you should not tie your happiness to how other people feel & express their emotions. Expecting others to feel the same way you feel & say/do things you would like them to say is not fair & is also setting yourself for a disappointment. So, yes, there is another perspective to look at this, that might help op feel less disappointed, more in charge of her own happiness & ultimately have a wedding she & FH will enjoy!
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Just Said Yes March 2020
Linda · on May 22, 2019 at 12:28 PM
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This is the wedding you’ve always dreamed off so have the wedding you want! Sometimes it’s better not to have everyone involved in the planning as you get too many opinions, do what you and your FH wants to do.
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Expert June 2019
thisismrsb · on May 22, 2019 at 12:39 PM
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I think that you need to have a sit-down with your parents. Tell them how you feel and why you want their help. Tell them what you want their help with.
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Just Said Yes July 2019
Sarah · on May 22, 2019 at 5:43 PM
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Thankfully my family loves him. They even joke if anything happens they’ll keep him over me
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on May 22, 2019 at 6:18 PM
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I disagree either most posters saying “screw ‘em, cut your losses” ...to me it doesn’t sound like eloping is something you actually want, simply a thing you’re considering born out of emotion, frustration and disappointment, and decisions made based on those things tend to be the most regretted.

Im sorry that you’re not getting the support that you want. Your parents sound sadly nonchalant about weddings in general, which is certainly disappointing. But it is true no one will be as excited for your wedding as you, and it is up to only the people getting married to plan. Our wedding was planned by me and my husband alone , with a couple things I roped my mom into because I needed her. If you’re not getting help planning though, that’s on your fiancé, and he’s the one you need to be asking to look for caterers with...and he’s also the only one whose enthusiasm should affect your decision to elope or continue as planned— as you’re in this together, the two of you against the world. My husband didn’t care much about many of the nitty gritty details, but when I asked for his help, he gave it as it’s his wedding too. He and I did all the tastings, all the vendor meetings, all the decision making. No one else planned our wedding, and we had the wedding of our dreams. If you’re worried the girls aren’t involved then maybe skip THOSE parties (shower, bachelorette), but, those things aren’t important and shouldn’t affect your wedding.

But, don’t throw away your dream wedding because your frustrated and disappointed because other people aren’t showing excitement or help . They’re only job is to show up day of and celebrate with you. If you think they can handle that, try to let go of that, reset expectations, plan the wedding YOU want, and hope for the best.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on May 22, 2019 at 6:51 PM
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I'm torn, I'd hate to see someone spend all the money and have everyone around them be miserable. But also it seems like you wanted something traditional, perhaps not big.
Maybe you could pick a more casual dress and have an elopement with those who matter to you? Go to a public park or garden?
You'd still be able to do your hair and all that like you want but don't have to deal with intense planning of a big wedding and the lack of support. It'd be easier for a handful of people to show up to a small civil ceremony and it'd use some of the vendors you seem to have already picked so it's not all losses.
I wish you luck. And remember the day is about you and your fiance, and you feel about each other! If nothing else all of us are happy for you.
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