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Arlene
Beginner March 2020

Just Venting-all opinions welcome lol

Arlene, on June 7, 2019 at 12:24 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 28

So this is off topic from my wedding.

A cousin of mine got engaged shortly after me and she is having her wedding the end of this year. I was told by her that it was intimate and not many people were invited, after discussing with family half the family was invited half was not but a decent amount was. I figured she wanted more immediate family members and that is fine understandable her wedding not mine. I was a bit saddened to hear I am not going to lie about that but I accepted it and let it go.

However, I get an invite to her bridal shower or couples shower. I am not sure how to feel about it. I plan to definitely get her a beautiful gift for them but I just feel awkward as we are not (we as in no one in my immediate family) is invited to the wedding but we were asked to attend the shower. I think I was more offended that she sent it to me via social media and stated she did not have my number but I had just sent her an invite to a birthday party in the mail with my phone number on it (confirmed received) and I sent it to her via social media and text prior. She was always short with my invites to her but when the shower came up she was encouraging and hopeful for me to attend. If I am free (from my sons sports games-schedule tbd) I plan to attend but same time I do feel a bit weird as I was a bit bothered she said she did not have my number but she clearly did and that I feel shes encouraging me to go but what reason if there is no care for me to be at the wedding. I am not sure how bridal showers work and invites but I would feel weird inviting people to a shower that you do not want at your wedding.


I know there is no written rule but I would feel bad inviting others to my shower knowing I am not inviting them to my wedding. Just wanted to see what other people thought about this unique situation..I had never heard of before.

28 Comments

Latest activity by April, on June 7, 2019 at 7:37 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    It is a general rule of thumb that you invite guests to your shower that are invited to your wedding so it isss kind of odd but she's probably just thinking that she wants you at the wedding she just doesn't have room so would like you to at least be a part of some kind of wedding related festivity. It is very nice of you to get her a gift and attend if you can even though it is kind of weird to be invited to it and not the wedding
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    If not invited to the wedding, I would skip the shower. She doesn’t seem to be enthusiastic about your events in the past anyway.
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  • Arlene
    Beginner March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    I agree, I mean yea I guess she might want me at the wedding I would hope so but the same time it still makes me feel uneasy..even to attend the shower makes me feel weird. I am excited and happy for her but it feels kind of rude to do that or not even rude I do not think she means any harm but thats like saying come celebrate with me before the party but do not attend the party.

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  • Arlene
    Beginner March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    Thank you! That is how I felt, I even told her she had my number and was waiting for her rsvp for the birthday party.

    As of right now I plan to get a gift but probably mail it or drop it off before hand. It just feels really odd, kind of rude but like I said before I do not think she means to be, but it does feel strange for sure.

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  • Jessica
    VIP June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    If your not invited to a wedding you should not be invited to any other wedding related parties or activities.

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  • Arlene
    Beginner March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    Very true that is originally how I felt, I was a bit offended to be honest that I was invited to the shower but not the wedding.

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  • Jessica
    VIP June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    I would be to. You can still send her a gift, she is family, but I wouldn't go to the shower.

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  • Arlene
    Beginner March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    I agree I think that is what I plan to do

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  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
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    Seems gift grabby to me. I'd probably decline and not send a gift. But I'm also a jerk.
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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
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    Her intentions may be good, but general etiquette says this is rude. You don't invite anyone to the shower who isn't already invited to the wedding. Otherwise, it looks like a gift grab. Like she doesn't care enough to invite you to her special day, but she wants to make sure she gets a gift from you--and the rest of the family not invited to the wedding. I don't know your cousin, and I'm not saying she is this way. But this is how some will see it, and don't be surprised if some are offended.

    You have to decide whether or not you care about that. Maybe it's enough to be invited to the shower--something wedding related, if not the wedding itself.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Trust your gut. It's really sweet of you to want to get her a gift. Not necessary, but if you decide to get her one, I would only spend a little money (I have a sense you're getting her a gift out of guilt or obligation), but a heart-felt card would be just as lovely!

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  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
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    That’s rude of her to have you on the shower guest list, but not the wedding. There shouldn’t be anyone invited to the shower that isn’t on the main guest list.
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  • April
    Dedicated January 2020
    April ·
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    I know I'm the odd one but I don't understand this rule of only inviting people who are going tothe wedding to the shower. Personally I'm of the frame of mind that I want an intimate wedding itself, meaning there's a cap of who can get invited. If someone fell outside that cap but I know they want to celebrate this life changing time with me seems logical to invite them to the less expensive informal party that is a bridal shower. Plus, given most of the people I'm inviting to my wedding are out of state, why on earth would I make them travel for 2 events for the same reason. Possibly your cousin's thought process too.
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  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
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    I think it is rude that she invited you to her shower but not the wedding.

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  • Tessa
    Devoted November 2019
    Tessa ·
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    This would totally hurt my feelings and I understand your side of this. It is really inconsiderate to say, "Hey, you're important enough to come to my shower and bring me a gift, but not important enough for me to pay $100 a plate to have you at my wedding". I would send an inexpensive gift and not attend.

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    Seems gift-grabby on your cousin's part. As PPs said, normally you only invite people to the shower that are invited to the wedding. Your gut reaction is totally warranted!

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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    The reason this is a general etiquette rule is because the purpose of the shower is to "shower the bride with gifts." This is always why it is not supposed to be hosted by the bride herself. It is purely a gift-giving event, and inviting someone who was not invited to the wedding appears gift grabby as bridal showers are cheaper and usually on someone else's dime.
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  • Arlene
    Beginner March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    Lol that was my initial response and my fiance said the same i think just since shes family and i will see her at the next family event is why i wanted to

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  • Arlene
    Beginner March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    I completely 100 percent agree with you, I do not believe her intentions were to offend or hurt me emotionally however I definitely was. and the phrase you and PP are using gift grabby is perfect description on how I felt. I did feel she was a bit more enthusiastic and animated to tell me about it and the RSVP date but yet did not respond nor say anything about my soon to be step sons birthday party last 2x nor my mothers birthday party and parents anniversary coming up, It rubbed me the wrong way most definitely..

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  • Arlene
    Beginner March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    True!! Yea a card is good to! Your sense is on point because I do wwant to give her a gift, I am a petty person and the pettiness wants me not to give one but same time she is family who I will eventually see at another event if I attend and I atleast want to be the bigger person. I highly doubt she will come to my wedding but end of the day i am not sure, I might buy her a less expensive gift and mail it and decline the invite as of right now that is my plan. I do not really have a desire to attend

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