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APZ
VIP March 2017

just received a wedding invite with no RSVP....

APZ, on November 21, 2017 at 11:50 AM Posted in Planning 0 20
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This is a classic what NOT to do...just received a college roommates wedding invitation. Just a single flat card invitation. No RSVP card, no RSVP instructions on invites..nothing...not even an insert or line that includes a wedding website for an online rsvp option.

At first I thought, well maybe she forgot it in mine--or intentionally left it out to be petty...(we had a fallout in college, but have since been amicable when around each other. Also, I did not invite her to our wedding, since we had a smaller guest list) but after chatting with a few other college friends (one who is in her bridal party)- it is clear that she did not include rsvp's for anyone. Her BM estimates that about 300 people have been invited--mostly from her (and her FH's) small hometown, and she thinks she will hear back by word of mouth from enough people to get an idea of a headcount.... this does not surprise me at all from her...BUT people please don't think this is a good idea!!

20 Comments

Latest activity by APZ, on November 22, 2017 at 8:01 AM
  • PandaInLove
    Expert August 2017
    PandaInLove ·
    • Flag

    Wow, that's rather disorganized. Do you intend on responding or attending?

    • Reply
  • 2
    Expert May 2018
    2018wedding ·
    • Flag

    Just call her and ask. Or wait until she sees it on here and she will let you know.

    • Reply
  • Dana
    Expert August 2018
    Dana ·
    • Flag

    Well I can kind of see what she's saying. Most ppl in a small town would call and tell her they can't come. What she should've done was put the rsvp on their website bc she's going to eventually forget who said they couldn't come and who said they will be coming. 300 people is a lot to keep up with

    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag

    Perhaps she is following very old-fashioned etiquette , where sending an rsvp card would be seen as rude, as it implies that without that direction, the invited guests would be too stupid to send a handwritten note of reply.

    " Not long ago, reply cards were considered improper, even offensive and insulting. Wedding invitations were answered in your own handwriting on your own stationery. As our lives became busier and busier, many of us no longer had the time to sit down and hand write a reply. Since hosts and hostesses could not risk not receiving responses, they began to send reply cards with their invitations. This made it easier for their guest to respond. As more and more invitations were sent with reply cards, reply cards became more and more acceptable. Today, they are sent with almost every wedding invitation."

    I'm not saying that is a good idea. She could also just be cheap- saving money on rsvp cards, envelopes, and postage.

    In any case, the polite thing to do is to respond, one way or the other.

    • Reply
  • APZ
    VIP March 2017
    APZ ·
    • Flag

    I wont be going-- its in a small town about an hour from our college town and 5-6 hours from where I Live now. My husband is not fond of her, so he would not even entertain the idea of going and I have no desire to go without him. Also, I think we may celebrate Christmas with my family that weekend....OH and she sent invites 4 weeks from her date... Her venue is a farm, I believe owned by a family friend.. and I'm sure will be a buffet (hopefully not pot luck)...but that's all I can image is a CF of people and not enough food or booze for the people that show.

    honestly-- I'm SHOCKED I was sent an invite at all, and I feel like she only sent it because I did not invite her to our wedding. While I want to be petty and not respond, I suppose I will find a way to respond to her and graciously decline.

    @Muriel--that's interesting.. I did not know that. I suppose it is possible that's the case, as she is from an incredibly small town that likely still follows very old traditions. please don't make me feel like being grown and mature and responding...I want to be a petty betty Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Ks_catonlap
    Super October 2017
    Ks_catonlap ·
    • Flag

    Wow. That just sounds like a HUGE headache. Like, she's just making her own life more difficult.

    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag

    @APZ- how would you have felt if people deliberately chose not to respond to your invitations?

    Take the high road.

    • Reply
  • Aimee
    Devoted October 2015
    Aimee ·
    • Flag

    I completely agree with @muriel.

    Shocked or not, falling out or not, she still invited you to her wedding. Be gracious and just let her know that unfortunately you have to decline.

    • Reply
  • Kelly King
    Kelly King ·
    • Flag

    I've actually done several invitations for couples without RSVPs. They aren't needed if they plan to have enough food for everyone they invited. Usually smaller weddings can do this without any problems.

    • Reply
  • APZ
    VIP March 2017
    APZ ·
    • Flag

    Aimee and Muriel-- yall are right, while I'm being petty at the moment, I will find a way to graciously decline. should I respond to the return address on the invite (her parents home) or via a facebook message to her? I honestly am not even close enough to this girl to still have her phone number...

    goskell-- that is one way to think of it. I just cant imagine doing that for a wedding with 300 people invited. that seems like an awful lot of potential food/bev waste. but to each their own..

    • Reply
  • Nikki
    Super May 2018
    Nikki ·
    • Flag

    Any chance she's from an Asian culture? A girl at my work is Vietnamese & got married over the weekend. She was anticipating anywhere between 200-500 guests, and had no idea how many of them would show until the day of the wedding since most of them don't do RSVP or understand the concept of it. After talking to her, as well as asking other friends (and my FH) from other Asian descent, it's apparently very common practice in most of their cultures. The couple invites their family & friends, but then their parents invite literally EVERYONE they know as a sign of respect. She was way too calm (I was having an anxiety attack for her) but she said that they specifically chose a venue that is used to this type of hosting, has the capacity for it, and because they were serving the traditional 10 course meal which is family style, they could accommodate however many people decided to show up. I asked how she could budget for this in advance, and she said that it's customary for guests to come with cash....enough cash to cover their estimated portion and then some if she has a balance due at the end of the night. She actually anticipated having the whole wedding paid for just by gifts from her parents' friends at the wedding. I suddenly found myself thinking that I may be going about my wedding all wrong haha.

    • Reply
  • @brd2be
    Expert April 2018
    @brd2be ·
    • Flag

    Aside for this just being really inconvenient for your guests, as a bride this would give me HELLA anxiety lol

    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag

    The general rule is to respond with he information they gave you- in this case the return address on the invitation.

    • Reply
  • APZ
    VIP March 2017
    APZ ·
    • Flag

    Nikki---she definitely is not Asian! She is from a white working class family--just like me. would have been nice to have my wedding paid for thought! kidding--but not at the same time..

    brd2be--right?! I'm way too type A to not know. I only had a small handful of late rsvp's and even that caused me anxiety.

    • Reply
  • Katelyn
    Dedicated May 2018
    Katelyn ·
    • Flag

    @Nikki FOR REAL. I think I need to backtrack on the planning and figure out how that could work. (Kidding, obviously. But DAMN)

    • Reply
  • Nikki
    Super May 2018
    Nikki ·
    • Flag

    Haha maybe she found out about this option and decided to run with it then? Idk it's definitely odd. About the same status as just sending out a mass FB group invite to the wedding. I'd just send her a message on FB if you said you still have contact with her there then and tell her you appreciate that she thought of you, but you won't be able to make it since you're already going to be out of town for the holidays. I wouldn't bother with a card or gift though....to me sending out invites to a group of your old college friends last minute like that is a little gift grabby since she probably assumes that most of you won't be able to make it on such short notice.

    @Katelyn- my FH is Filipino and it's customary for their culture to have "sponsors" for your wedding. We aren't going that route....but know people who had all these godparents/aunts/uncles who each threw a bunch of money at the wedding until it was paid for. Now that we're 6 months out and looking at our payment deadlines creeping up, I'm starting to wish that maybe we had hahaha

    • Reply
  • Aimee
    Devoted October 2015
    Aimee ·
    • Flag

    I honestly think you could do either... but I believe the proper way would be to respond via the method of invitation- i.e., in this case, via the mail. Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Leila
    Super October 2017
    Leila ·
    • Flag

    Wow

    • Reply
  • Kylee
    Dedicated June 2018
    Kylee ·
    • Flag

    Just thinking about planning a wedding that way gives me extreme anxiety...

    • Reply
  • APZ
    VIP March 2017
    APZ ·
    • Flag

    @Richard...me too.. ill be nosey with the friend that's a BM and see what I find out...

    • Reply

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