Just Need To Vent

It’s hard to give advice when I don’t know the entire situation, but based on the bit of information you have given here are my thoughts.. I think if conversations with your mother are simply toxic repetitive cycles, you need to quit having them. Tell her this subject is no longer open for discussion. You have made up your mind and no matter what she says you will not be changing it, and any further attempt by her to bring up the subject will result in you having ZERO flower girls or ring bearers. (Tbh, if I were in your shoes, that is exactly what I would do – eliminate the flower girl and ring bearer positions. Especially since you didn’t even want them in the first place, and it seems to be doing nothing but causing issues). I know people say if a family member contributes to your wedding, they get to have a say in decisions that are made. I think that is true, to an extent. You can work to compromise with these people, but it doesn’t mean they have full reign to control your wedding. It sounds as though you have already tried to compromise with your mother by having a flower girl and ring bearer when you didn’t want them. You met her in the middle.. now she needs to meet you there. Good luck girl!

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Thank you for the advice. You feel the exact same way my FH does. My mom is a 'tiger mom' and has been this way my whole life. She has tunnel vision and gets stuck on an issue until she has it her way. She's also no stranger to using money as a guilt trip, so we've had a toxic relationship my whole life. We're just different people when it comes to style, opinions, everything really and we've never seen eye-to-eye. I'm going to talk to my aunts individually (the ones that are parents of the cousins that mom wants as fgs), and I'm going to ask them how they honestly feel. My mom has been the only one to complain to me, and if my aunts really feel this way, then I would like for them to tell me and also hear from me directly that it isn't personal. It's just how me and my FH are. We're a simple couple that likes things done as easily as possible with no extra fluff.

I've tried to explain that this wedding isn't meant to be about who's family is loved more or favorited more. It's supposed to be fun and happy because our families are joining!

Thanks again for the advice and for taking the time to read my shpeel haha!

I think it’s a good idea for you to address your aunts directly, rather than take your mothers word that they are upset about this. It sounds as though she can be quite manipulative in order to get what she wants. That’s not to say that your aunts aren’t upset/hurt by your decision... choosing one cousin over others can definitely come off as playing favorites, and I’ve definitely learned that mothers can take that sort of thing incredibly personally. Honestly, the best thing you could possibly do would be to just not have a ringbearer and flower girl. You didn’t want them anyway, and if your aunts truly are upset by their children not “making the cut”, it is really the only solution to make everyone happy (well, besides your mom LOL).

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You make a good point. I think regardless of whether they're upset or not, we're just not going to have any lol. It's one less thing to worry about and we'll just have our friend who is marrying us carry the rings.

I was hoping that wedding planning would be a good bonding experience for us both seeing as I'm the only child. That's probably another reason why she's so stuck on having it her way lol.

View Quoted Comment Truly, I think it will be the best thing for everybody involved. Much less stress for you! Plus, flower girls and ringbearers are unpredictable- I cannot tell you the number of weddings I’ve been to where at least one (if not both) were grouchy, crying, throwing tantrums, didn’t want to wear their outfit, didn’t want to walk down the aisle, were freaked out by people looking at them, etc. It just seems like a needless headache to me. Hopefully eliminating this issue will lead to a better planning g relationship with your mom. From what you’ve said about her, it sounds like she will probably throw a fit at first. Just be strong, stand your ground, and she will realize future conversations about the subject are futile, and you both can move on from the topic. Hope the rest of your planning is more enjoyable!!

I totally agree with Chrysta. She’s contributing but that doesn’t give her free reign over YOUR wedding. You compromised & it still wasn’t good enough. When ( I would say IF but we both know she’s gonna go to) she brings it up again inform her that that topic is closed, remind her that you didn’t want 1 in the 1st place but compromised & if she brings it up again, there will be ZERO flower girl & ring bearer!
This is your & your FH wedding & you have a vision for it. This is not her’s! Might need to remind her of that as well...

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Thank you for listening and for giving advice!!

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Thank you for your insight Michelle! Unfotunately, even when reminded, she only seems to care about 'how cute the girls will look' and 'how much fun they'll have'. We're going to stand our ground and do things our way. I love my mom and want her to be happy too, but if what she wants conflicts with my happiness, then it's not happening lol.

Unfortunately when planning a wedding can bring out the very worst of people especially people close to you. I had drama before I even picked a wedding date but I cut that person out of my life for good. I don't need someone bringing me down during what's supposed to be the happiest time of my life. Have you thought about not having your mom pay for half, that way she doesn't have a place to stay anything? Unfortunately a lot of times when people are putting money to someone's wedding they feel it gives them the right to have an opinion on everything the couple does. Honestly it's your wedding and if you originally didn't want to have a flower girl or ring bear then don't no matter what your mom says. It's your big day not hers remember that.

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We wouldn't be able to afford a venue that meets our needs if we didn't have her help, so unfortunately no. Besides her and my FH parents contributing, we're paying for the rest ourselves. We did take her contribution into account, and that's why we compromised with just one fg and rb. I also forgot to add that we chose a venue that included linens and real china (which was her 'must have' for a venue). Don't get me wrong, we love our venue, but she fails to see that we've already done things her way to please her.

It's looking like she won't be satisfied with any decisions we make, so whatever we decide she won't be happy with because it isn't HER decision and vision.

We're going to have no fg or rb to make it easier on us. If she's mad, then she's mad. We just won't include her in the rest of the planning. Unless she reaches out to ask about it, she won't be included.

Thanks for the advice!

View Quoted Comment That's really all you can do. Hopefully things get better for you guys

View Quoted Comment That would drive me crazy! Stand your ground girl! My mom passed 3 yrs ago (on my birthday no less) & we had a very strenuous relationship. Some days I really wish she was here so I could include her in the planning process.

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I'm trying! My mom has lived in another state for the past 6 years, so I was really wanting this to be something we both could share together, but with the way she's being I'm not sure that's going to happen haha. I'm sorry about your mom, I know it must be different trying to plan without her!

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Thank you!!

Sounds like a very difficult situation all around. I remember your previous post, and I would still recommend having all the cousins included or no flower girl and ring bearer at all (because no matter what people say, feelings absolutely do get hurt when excluding some kids and not others). Since you didn't want any to begin with, the most logical solution would be to have ZERO flower girls or ring bearers. It sounds like your mom isn't willing to compromise anyway, so I think the best option would be to stick to your original vision and not have flower girls or ring bearers at all. Hopefully the two of you can have a heart to heart and figure things out. It's always tricky when parents contribute financially to weddings, because of the say this gives them in the planning (money usually comes with strings attached). I agree with Katie's advice above. I suppose that it's different in every family, but our parents made several planning decisions for our wedding that we didn't necessarily agree with because they were the ones paying, and that was something that we had to accept. However, I do think that you should stick to your original plan of no flower girls and ring bearers in this case. I hope it works out for you!

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We're planning on not having anything at all like we originally wanted. We're also having a few cultural traditions included in our ceremony, so my family will still be included. She just has this vision of several flower girls in her head and it's not what I want.

Thank you for the advice on my previous post and this one!!

Can we put an end to this idea that if you offer to contribute money towards a wedding you get to control it? 🙄 I’m going through the same thing with my mom, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this too. She definitely got that “tunnel vision” you mentioned with the date and guest list—even after we had booked our venue/date and set a limit to the guest list. Since then she’s been super negative about the wedding and spreading a lie that I’m trying to exclude my stepbrother from the wedding because it’s on a Sunday, so I’m not currently speaking to her. I say go talk to your aunts directly, because, if she’s anything like my mom, she might just be using other people to project her opinion when they actually don’t have an issue with it lol. Good luck with everything!

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I'm sorry you're dealing with this too! Thank you for the advice and input! Good luck with planning as well!

As someone with a toxic mother, I empathize.

This is how you respond:

"This is not up for discussion." And change the subject.

She will change it back.
"This is not up for discussion." Change the subject.

She'll change it back.

"This is not up for discussion. Bye."

Hang up.

You give her three times, and then you cut off the conversation, because it isn't going anywhere. Yep, she'll get mad. It's still not up for discussion. She can stay mad. It's *still* not up for discussion. It will remain not up for discussion until she realizes it's *not up for discussion* and gets over it.

I'm sorry. Toxic moms are the worst.

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Thank you!! Thankfully my FH won't allow her to manipulate and bribe us into doing what she wants, so it's nice to have the backup I need when I talk to her.

She'll always be mad if things don't go her way, but at this point I don't really care haha. If it's between me being happy on my wedding day, or being miserable and have her happy, then I def. choose the first option. Regardless of how she feels, it's our day and what matters is how my FH and I feel.