M
Just Said Yes November 2020

Just need Direction.. (trigger warning)

Maggie, on September 24, 2020 at 5:28 PM Posted in Married Life 0 18
Saved
Reply

Ok yall I need opinions, comfort, hate idk at this point..

Just a warning this does get pretty dark, if your not in a good head space - please don't read..

My heart hurts and I just don't know what to do. Basically I got married earlier this year, husband i have been together for over 3 years and I absolutely love him to bits. I could not imagine my life with anyone else but him.


That being said..

Before I met him I was a bit of a thot.. Not so much that I was sleeping around but In the way that I had this guy friend and we had an on again off again relationship. I used this poor guy so bad.. Don't get me wrong we loved each other and i woulda done anything for him, he was my best friend, our worlds just never aligned to get in a real relationship. (I now know and am so thankful its because God had bigger plans for me and brought me to my wonderful husband)

When I first met my husband I was in a rough place.. This other guy that I had been "seeing" I guess if that's what you want to call it, well we hadn't been intimate in a long time we were just friends - I would tell him my worries and he would help me through them, he was just there for me when I needed. Then I met my husband and was so head over heals from the start that I just blew off this old friend of mine. He would check up on me occasionally and I would tell him to leave me alone.. One day I had just told my (now husband) everything about this friend. He wasn't mad, just annoyed for me that this guys seemingly wouldn't leave me alone (even though he had just been checking in on me). Finally had had it and told this guy just to piss off.. when I say I broke this poor mans heart, I mean I shattered it... at the time I didn't think much of it, but now almost 4 years later my heart aches at the pain I know I caused.. I heard from friends that he got in a really bad place after this, and not once did i check up on him..

Well recently husband and i had a friend who couldn't deal with his troubles anymore and unfortunately ended things.. Since then i have been doing a lot of reflection... I have hurt so many people and I want to make things right..

Here's where I need your help.. Is it wrong to message my old friend and apologize to him or just leave it be.. I am just so hurt by what I did to him and I cannot forgive my self. I feel like if I talk to my husband about this he would be upset with me or wouldn't understand why I feel the need to apologize to him. So If I do decide to reach out to this guy should it be something I discuss with my husband first?? I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I was young and dumb and I will always be here if he needs me..


I don't know.. I'm sorry this was alot and a heavy topic. I just feel lost.

What would you do?


18 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on September 26, 2020 at 1:26 AM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    I honestly would ask you husband how he feels about that? Also, are you okay to reach out to an ex. I know for me personally I would not want my FH to reach out to a former lover. Maybe it is insecurity but what if feels bloom you know? I would not do anything without your husbands input and I say that because he is your life now. This was a former friend but also a former lover so the situation is different. How would you feel if your husband reached out to a former lover and did not tell you?

    • Reply
  • Trisha
    Super October 2020
    Trisha ·
    • Flag

    I Think If You Feel Like it Is Something You Need To Do To Personally Move Forward With Your Life, Then Do It. But Do It With The Intent Of It Being The Last Time.

    Talking To Your Husband Is Ideal, But If He Disagrees Your Feelings About The Situation Won't Change.

    Do What YOU Need To Do To Move On.

    • Reply
  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
    • Flag
    I have mixed feelings about your predicament; I first and foremost think you have to tell your husband EVERYTHING you just shared with us.


    If you reach out to this old love you could be opening Pandora’s box. Are you mentally and physically prepared for that? And before you tell and ex you’re “there for him” - you better make sure your husband is OK with it.
    I get that you have this very heavy feeling weighing on you, but I think you should start by writing a letter to him with all your apologies and just seal it up and burn it. If that doesn’t help you, then you should still consider before actually contacting him. I would not say you are there for him, again I think this is opening Pandora’s box.
    At the end of the day, are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband for this ex? That’s the question you should ask yourself.
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    I understand where you’re coming from, but this probably isn’t something I would do. It’s been four years. If anything, reaching out to him is just going to resurface the negative feelings he has toward you.
    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah Online ·
    • Flag
    Personally, I think you shouldn't reach out. How do you think he will take it if you reach out? Do you think it will make him feel better or may it cause more harm than good? If you are doing it for your own self gain in making yourself feel better, I would encourage you to find other means of coping with those feelings. If you think it may help him heal or gain closure, then it may be a good idea, but I would tread lightly. As others have said, maybe speaking to your husband first and navigating that would dynamic will be a good idea. After that, maybe seeing if you can find out how the guy is doing. Maybe he moved on and you reaching out rips open an old wound? Just some things I would consider before making a decision.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine Online ·
    • Flag
    Definitely discuss it with your husband or it’ll seem like you’re being sneaky and doing things behind his back.


    I personally wouldn’t reach out at all ESPECIALLY if you know that it’ll make hour husband upset. You don’t owe any loyalty to anyone besides your husband. I understand you feel guilty but why cause possible problems with your husband for someone from the past? Definitely not worth it
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    I think wanting to make amends for past wrongs is a very mature, healthy thing to do. Can you write this person a letter (that is, do you know his address) instead of messaging him? That would be less immediate/less intimate/less pressure on him to respond if he doesn't want to.

    Whether or not you should discuss this with your husband is a whole other thing. I think you should, because I am usually on honesty's side. But I'm not saying it would be easy. You would need to tell him ALL of it so he understands why you feel you need to do this and so he doesn't worry you are trying to contact someone you still have romantic feelings for. If you can do that and if you think your husband would really listen to you and not jump to conclusions, go for it.

    • Reply
  • E
    Devoted July 2021
    Emily ·
    • Flag
    On the note of writing a letter- maybe try writing one, laying out everything you want to say, putting it in an envelope and not even sending it. Just getting your feelings out might make you feel better. I would still be open with your husband about your feelings if this really is weighing on you so much but maybe write the letter then destroying it/burning it will be enough to put your own mind at ease.
    • Reply
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag

    Personally I would appreciate if someone who had hurt me came forward and apologized/said they were sorry for how they treated me/etc. If I knew they were thinking that but didn't want to approach me I would find it cowardly.

    But that isn't a universal thought, so....not sure.

    • Reply
  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
    • Flag
    I would definitely reach out to him...
    My husband and I would allow each other to reach out to someone if it was causing pain to that person or ourselves. What type of husband wouldn’t allow a person to relieve themselves of turmoil?! Just my two cents!
    Best wishes 💗
    • Reply
  • B
    Dedicated April 2021
    Bridget ·
    • Flag
    I understand where u are coming from but there's a few things you need to think about first. Telling your husband might make him feel some kind of way but hiding it from your husband could cause major issues. I definitely wouldnt tell your old friend that you will always be there for him because that is giving him the impression of just that and from what you said it doesn't sound like your husband would be okay with that. Also, you mentioned how hard your friend took it and maybe hearing from you again might bring all those feelings back to him and cause him more pain if he has finally got over it. It sounds like you have mutual friends with him? Maybe you can ask them how he's doing now and just have them pass along a message or even a letter apologizing for the past and wishing him luck with the future without leaving it open for further communication.
    • Reply
  • Becca
    Savvy November 2021
    Becca ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Like PP said I would really examine the reasons behind wanting to reopen old wounds. If it is for your own closure then sometimes we have to live with the decisions we make and feel that shame. It teaches us how to do better moving forward. If you still have mutual friends maybe you can get advice from one of them because the feelings that really should be put first are his. Definitely open up to your husband though, we’ve all lived previous lives and been different iterations of ourselves, no need to feel like you should be keeping from things especially if this is eating you up internally. Best of wishes, handling our pasts is tough business.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super October 2021
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    Is reopening the door to an old flame worth it and why do you truly want this person in your life again? I don’t think I wouldn’t contact this person if it’s just to make yourself feel better. Yes, you feel guilty, but if he has moved on, why make him face all of that again? It could be hurtful and unfair of you to do that to him. Truthfully, you cannot know either way if the apology would be welcome, but the damage was already done. It’s in the past now. There are a lot of other ways to work out your own feelings without dredging up past issues for others or causing damage to your marriage.
    For what it’s worth, you didn’t do anything wrong. You could’ve handled it differently, sure, but everyone can say that about things when they were younger. Putting now future husband before an old flame isn’t wrong at all whatsoever. Sometimes hearts break, and while that’s difficult, it’s part of life. You are not responsible for the way others handle their pain.

    • Reply
  • Ellie
    Devoted January 2020
    Ellie ·
    • Flag

    In all honesty you should just leave it alone. You're starting your new life as a married woman and you should be focusing on being there for your husband. Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable if your husband was pledging to always be there for a former flame? I think the answer for most would be no.


    At the end of the day it's been 4 years and it's not your job to make this ex feel better nor can you guarantee that you can even do that. You need to consider your marriage a fresh slate and new beginning and forget about the past.

    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    When thinking about something like this it’s important to really ask yourself : is this for me or is this for him? You mention not being able to forgive yourself so this seems like it is for you — even if your intention is to help him, your motivation is also to help yourself , and the line gets blurry and often times it’s better not to do that thing. If you’re having trouble forgiving yourself, that is something you should first work through on your own (which is to say, without involving him — not to say has to be totally alone, you can talk through feelings with a therapist or even with your partner).


    So much time has passed that he is likely to have moved on or coped in his own way. If he hasn’t— that’s also on him to take care of on his own (perhaps via therapy as well). If you’ve not had contact, maybe he has already gone full circle on his feelings. Either way, the question is what would bearing from you really do for him? There’s too many negative possibilities — it isn’t an automatic good nice thing. It could dredge up past feelings, it could lead to false hopes, it could just so easily lead to bad feelings rather than good.
    To get REALLY personal I was in a bad situation years ago — very very hurt by someone emotionally and left in a bad place feeling bad about myself for my involvement and feeling pretty alone because our involvement also interfered in some social stuff. He was the bad guy but I did things I’m not proud of and it took me a long time to feel okay about all of it. But I’ve moved on, and I’ve grown up, and even though it’s not a great memory in my life, it’s not one that I dwell on. If he reappeared to apologize to me now? I would NOT feel good. And I would think he was just doing it to help himself, and I would be pretty mad at him for thinking it’s okay to pop back into my life. It wouldn’t be a good thing.
    I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sorry you’re feeling badly. But this is something that should be worked through without involving him. It sounds like you went through a pretty rough time, but it’s in the past. Hopefully you’ve all grown since then, and take that for granted. Relationships (even unofficial ones) end for a reason, and there was a reason at the time that that one did for you guys, and life has moved on. A PP’s advice of writing a letter to never send is a good one. It gets YOUR feelings out, without having to involve him. Write it then destroy it and with that try to close the door.
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag
    Personally, I think you should tell your husband. The fact that you’re even asking about this shows that you know doing it behind his back is wrong. I would tell your husband exactly how you feel. How you’re upset in the way you treated your friend & that you think it would help you mentally to reach out to him. Hopefully your husband understands where you’re mindset is.
    Good luck!
    • Reply
  • A
    Dedicated October 2020
    Adriana ·
    • Flag
    If it were me, I would talk to my husband and explain to him why I was feeling this way and that I felt like I needed to reach out and get closure. I’d tell him that your friend’s passing has really affected you and made you reflect and that you feel like you need to apologize in order to forgive yourself for what happened. Maybe if he knows why you want to reach out and knows how you are feeling then he will understand and be ok with it. I definitely wouldn’t hide it from him, and if you’re feeling strongly about the situation I wouldn’t sit on it either. If you feel compelled to reach out to someone just to check on them then you probably need to. Best of luck 😊
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar April 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I would talk to your husband 1st. We all do things we’re not proud of. Realizing our mistakes & doing something about it is growth.
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics