Ok yall I need opinions, comfort, hate idk at this point..
Just a warning this does get pretty dark, if your not in a good head space - please don't read..
My heart hurts and I just don't know what to do. Basically I got married earlier this year, husband i have been together for over 3 years and I absolutely love him to bits. I could not imagine my life with anyone else but him.
That being said..
Before I met him I was a bit of a thot.. Not so much that I was sleeping around but In the way that I had this guy friend and we had an on again off again relationship. I used this poor guy so bad.. Don't get me wrong we loved each other and i woulda done anything for him, he was my best friend, our worlds just never aligned to get in a real relationship. (I now know and am so thankful its because God had bigger plans for me and brought me to my wonderful husband)
When I first met my husband I was in a rough place.. This other guy that I had been "seeing" I guess if that's what you want to call it, well we hadn't been intimate in a long time we were just friends - I would tell him my worries and he would help me through them, he was just there for me when I needed. Then I met my husband and was so head over heals from the start that I just blew off this old friend of mine. He would check up on me occasionally and I would tell him to leave me alone.. One day I had just told my (now husband) everything about this friend. He wasn't mad, just annoyed for me that this guys seemingly wouldn't leave me alone (even though he had just been checking in on me). Finally had had it and told this guy just to piss off.. when I say I broke this poor mans heart, I mean I shattered it... at the time I didn't think much of it, but now almost 4 years later my heart aches at the pain I know I caused.. I heard from friends that he got in a really bad place after this, and not once did i check up on him..
Well recently husband and i had a friend who couldn't deal with his troubles anymore and unfortunately ended things.. Since then i have been doing a lot of reflection... I have hurt so many people and I want to make things right..
Here's where I need your help.. Is it wrong to message my old friend and apologize to him or just leave it be.. I am just so hurt by what I did to him and I cannot forgive my self. I feel like if I talk to my husband about this he would be upset with me or wouldn't understand why I feel the need to apologize to him. So If I do decide to reach out to this guy should it be something I discuss with my husband first?? I just want him to know that I'm sorry and I was young and dumb and I will always be here if he needs me..
I don't know.. I'm sorry this was alot and a heavy topic. I just feel lost.
What would you do?