Just looking for support

Sorry you've had to go through all that! I had also been stressing/not feeling excited at all since we postponed our wedding. Harder said than done to let go of the negative feelings and disappointment, but I found a new mindset when I started embrace the fact that it's not a "normal" wedding. Add something fun or exciting just for you and your husband - whatever that may be. Treat yourself.

So sorry you are feeling this way. Our date isn't until November but I've been feeling it these past few months too and lots of people shrug it off or give me a pretty dismissive "so just have the wedding another time" if I express concerns about COVID (getting more optimistic now, but for a while I really wasn't sure). I think some people are quick to dismiss anyone who's upset about not having the wedding they want because they equate caring about a wedding with being superficial or caring more about the wedding than the marriage. It's a narrow point of view - you can care both about the wedding experience you've always dreamed of AND about your marriage - so if you're getting any of that, just remember those people are lacking in sensitivity and perspective and that's their issue, not yours.

I tried a bridal subscription box early in our engagement to make myself feel like a "normal bride" - it was a waste of money, didn't help and I don't recommend it, LOL. But what has helped me is going through pretty pictures in my ideas file, watching other couples' wedding videos from our venue that our videographer gave us as samples, listening to our ceremony music, rereading/editing my vows a million times (yes I wrote them this early, I'm a planner!)... basically anything that helps me refocus on the parts of the day I'm really looking forward to. Also using it as an excuse to prioritize taking good care of my skin, hair, nails, etc., which are all forms of self care that make me feel better!

You are so welcome, same to you and YES to PTO!! Our wedding is right before Thanksgiving so I'm going to be "out of office" for almost a month between wedding, holidays and honeymoon. I've never taken that much time off in my life and I can't wait, LOL. :-)

I FEEL YOU.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer 10 days before our wedding date last year, so we legally married on our original date despite having to cancel our wedding. Our parents were there and a couple close friends (gatherings were limited to 10, so we had to cut a lot of people we would have wanted there). My husband's mom wouldn't even hug us because she was so worried about Covid, and all of the photos that have our guests look so awkward. Hotels and restaurants were closed so we had to host my mom and her friend all weekend in our 900 square foot house with one tiny bathroom. I wore my dress but it didn't feel like a celebration at all.

Fast forward to this year. Our wedding is in 3 weeks. My dress still fits, but its now so snug I can't sit down. My best friend, who was going to be my MOH and only bridesmaid, is pregnant and due the week of our wedding, so she won't be there at all. We had to uninvite one of my husband's groomsmen because he and his wife wouldn't get vaccinated (we requested it of our guests due to my mom and his dad's health). One of my (ex) close friends decided to go on vacation instead of come to our wedding (literally just went to Puerto Rico last month, knew our date before even taking time off or planning this upcoming trip, and decided to go on vacation that day, instead of departing one day later to spend our wedding day with us). Some other close friends cannot make it for a variety of very understandable reasons, but there are quite a few people that I expected would come that declined at the last minute without any prior hint that they wouldn't come. We invited 90 people, and ended up with 50 guests. We are no longer having a rehearsal dinner because my husband's family has said it will be too difficult for them to come. My mom was supposed to do florals but she's too sick and weak to do them all on her own now, so up until a week ago I didn't know how that was going to get done at all. I still have no idea what our ceremony will look like (since we are already married, and we want to honor that somehow but haven't figured it out). We also have an AirBnB for six for the entire weekend and no one to stay with us. And I'm doing my own hair and makeup (salon really screwed me last year so I decided not to use them this year) and still have no idea what I am doing.

It is SO disappointing. I grieved the loss of our original wedding for a while (I still feel a loss, but its a more manageable feeling, less like being paralyzed now). I went to therapy for a few months to help me cope with my feelings. I only started allowing myself to feel hopeful about this event a couple months ago, and RSVP deadline brought a fresh round of disappointment and frustration. Our wedding will never be what it could have been. We lost that moment of marrying in front of our friends and there are people very dear to us that won't be with us on our "redo" day. We've had guests literally die between when our wedding should have been and when the celebration is actually happening. Despite all of that, I do feel like its important to go on and that having a wedding, even if smaller than we imagined and with maybe 10 of my friends there, is important for me. Right now everything feels so unfinished, and having a wedding celebration is what I need for closure and to be able to move forward with our future.

What has really helped me is that even though it will be smaller than we imagined, cost way more money than we should spend considering all the changes, and few of my close friends will be there (the majority are my husband's side or SO's of guests who neither of us are close to), all of the people coming really want to be there and are so excited to celebrate with us. Instead of focusing on all the people not coming or who have disappointed me by their lack of support or not having shared values, I'm trying to change my perspective and focus on the fact that the smaller group we have is really all in. And I'd rather not have people at my wedding who don't recognize that its important to us and for who sharing in our happiness isn't a priority. I feel like everything that is happening has been very bittersweet - so much sadness, disappointment, loss, and hurt - but in the end at least there is some clarity about the relationships we have and have invested time in over the years, and I imagine this experience will help some of those relationships grow stronger as well. People I'm not all that close to and didn't expect to care all that much have offered to help. Weddings are tough enough as is, add in Covid and the negatives are really highlighted. But hopefully the positives are highlighted too.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this but please know you are not alone. If you need to vent more feel free to PM me.