"Just a Piece of Paper"

Awww I’m sorry you’re having to feel this way. Would he be open to a smaller wedding and maybe a larger party? Or even elope then have a party? I would give it a bit more time and just keep talking to him to find out what the real issue is. Explain how you feel and how this is something you want. Thee is hopefully a compromise you guys can make. Good luck!

I've seen some of your other posts and this is ridiculous. First fiance forces you into a prenup that you do not want and now he's telling you he doesn't even believe in marriage? This isn't a disagreement in the type of wedding, he's basically saying he doesn't believe in marriage at all.

Have you guys done any pre-marital counseling? If not, I think it's time to start.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this.

My FH also made the same comment to me before we were engaged. He said it’s just a piece of paper to him because in his mind and heart we are already married. Of course, when I asked him if he really wants to marry me he said yes. Hopefully your FH means it the same way. Also, I didn’t want a big wedding but he said if we are going to do this again (second wedding for both of us) that we need to do it right. Did you ask him why he thinks of it as just a piece of paper?

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your comment, but this isn't in reference to the prenup

View Quoted Comment I'm doubling this. Forcing you into a prenup but doesn't want the government telling him what to do? Hypocrite. Why would he propose to you if he doesn't believe in it? It sounds like your fiance is doing something shady, you should attend private and couple's counseling if he can't get his act together.

View Quoted Comment All he has given his opinion on is that he wants a small wedding, which is fine. I don't need a large wedding to be happy. I've asked if if weshould just drop this for now--give him some time--but he says we don't need to do that.

Thank you for your kind words!

View Quoted Comment Thank you but this is something separate from the prenup.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for the note

View Quoted Comment I did ask him, and he said something similiar. That he feels like he is already committed to me and that he shouldnt have to prove it to the government. I guess it's more of a "me" issue because I want to prove my commitment in front of everyone, but he doesn't seem all that interested. Wedding aside, I guess I don't understand why someone wouldn't want a marriage...

Based on this post alone.

How long have you been together? Maybe in his eyes you already act like a married couple, in which case “a piece of paper” won’t really change how you feel about each other.
I think he needs to get off his butt and help you with the wedding, though. It’s his wedding too, he can take some of the workload, even if it’s just licking stamps. Place some importance on this, do you want to feel stressed out and resentful or would you rather feel supported? This is his moment to shine and be a good partner, build your wedding TOGETHER.

View Quoted Comment There’s lots of reasons people choose to not get married. The only problem becomes when two people are in a relationship and one does want it and the other doesn’t. It sounds like your FH doesn’t actually want to be married. If he’s not interested in having a wedding/getting married, forcing it will only cause more issues in your relationship.

View Quoted Comment Ummmm....but it’s not really separate. All of these things should be taken into consideration before making one of the biggest, most impactful decisions of your life. None of us know you, nor the totality of your circumstances, but, at the very least, you have thrown up some red flags.

Not wanting to take part in the planning is kind of nothing - few guys do. But, it does seem to me like you guys have some philosophical differences surrounding the.concept of marriage and that would have me very concerned. I just married someone who convinces me more and more every day that he adores the ground I walk on. I almost feel like you’re not feeling very loved at all. Please do yourself a huge favor and address that with him before walking down that aisle. No matter what stage of planning you’re at, don’t just go through with it because you’re too far down the road and feel like you have to.

Thank you for your comments everyone. Somehow this made me feel worse instead of better, but I do appreciate your feedback.

It may be just a piece of paper, just like your drivers license, the deed to your house, your college diploma. All of these things provide VERY significant rights. To me it is him saying he does not want to be married, but wants a relationship. Up to you to decide what you want

Is it because he thinks there's no point in proving that you're committed to one another? I think the beautiful thing about weddings or eloping or doing any kind of commitment ceremony is that you're just celebrating that union rather than proving to people you're committed.

Also, I think the other WW members just want to bring to your attention that it seemsyou've larger issues in your relationship. They're just concerned for you that maybe you can reevaluate your relationship. Of course, we don't know everything though because behind your closed doors there's more that goes on but from these posts, I think they're just all saying that maybe there's things you need to think about that stem deep into your relationship.

Hope things work out for you. And that he comes around.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're not feeling any better. I think we're all just worried about you because you can clearly explain and understand why he feels the way he does but he doesn't understand why you feel the way you do. Compromise is important in any sort of relationship, and maybe he needs to learn to compromise better before you get married. It's not impossible for people with philosophical differences to be married, it just takes a lot of work and I think right now he needs to start doing his half of the emotional work. You're clearly a good listener and are taking his wants into consideration, those are some really good traits in a good partner. Don't beat yourself up, because you're doing a good job and trying hard.

If he truly felt marriage were just a piece of paper, he wouldn't have felt the need for a prenup. He is entitled to his political philosophy about marriage. His view doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to marry you, or isn't excited about it. I do feel he is a bit hypocritical, and to say, "marriage is just a piece of paper," when you're planning a wedding is tone deaf and insensitive. It also undermines the queer struggle for marriage equality, but I am sure he didn't mean it that way. With the info I have, it just sounds to me like he didn't think his words or actions through. If his words are hurting you, however, that's something you need to talk out with him.

View Quoted Comment

I'm sorry this made you feel worse. But maybe, since it did, you should look at it as a red flag. Others suggested couples counseling. Maybe that is something you need to consider. Best to deal with these feeling and possible issues before getting married.

I'm sorry you feel worse. I would imagine that is because it's being pointed out over and over that he is very resistant to marrying you. I would say he doesn't really want to get married.

This will make you feel bad now, but nowhere near as bad as if you married him anyway and he remained resistant and distrusting and then you got divorced, maybe with a shared child or two.