Jealousy?

View Quoted Comment Yes. I have a general dislike of Facebook and such, because it invites outsiders into the personal life, and personal crossing over to work and social acquaintances, unless people set very limited access to every posting. Yet because you are sitting at different computers, people can tell themselves " I'm not seeing this person outside work,". or " I do not go to this person's home, " when in fact conducting personal interactions in a semi-public place, FB. The home seems to have boundary walls, as does work. But FB and texting are like 8' open patio doors in the boundary walls. People sit in their proper place, but their communication is as though the walls are not there. I think the work woman was right not to cross into their home life. But hubby and she should not be conversing on Facebook. And they should not do so with any settings that allow anyone else to monitor their conversation. And wife should talk to hubby, not monitor him on FB. Those things, to me, are the actual breeches of the boundaries, not merely wife's reaction to time together on the job, which is all she presented initially. Every time I speak against Facebook on here, I get completely jumped on. But Facebook type contact can be as destructive to personal relationships as any physical affair. People would be a heck of a lot better off if they tended to their own lives with appropriate contact, directly , person to person, for social communication. And everyone stopped broadcasting their own and other people's private lives over the airwaves, like they are the stars of an unreality tv show. OP and husband need to develop better communication skills about this. While OP herself needs to stop trying to invite the work woman friend into their home or social group. Eliminating 90% of Facebook, or cutting the cord entirely, is appropriate for people who need to work on establishing their own marital boundaries. When those are firm and secure, for a long enough time for mutual trust, and they have a few years more of life on track in their own time, then limited use of social media, under strict personal guidelines that what is private, including thoughts , is not shared with others outside the marriage, like family, friends, or people you represent yourself as having no contact with for marital fidelity reasons. OP efforts to be okay with all past girlfriends, and repeatedly try to bring work woman into their life, have sent a message to hubby that wife is open to contact. Wife and husband need to talk out the boundaries, both stop inappropriate contacts, live or on Facebook, or through invitations. The only appropriate thing here is work woman refusing social contact in person at wife's invitations. Which wife thinks is a bad thing. She has it backwards... it is the only thing anyone has done right. Real, structured marriage counseling for a few sessions might help get things out on the table.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for this. Im not big into social media, i have all the apps but i rarely interact/post/like anything and i make a point to not add anyone work related for a reason. I will say that perhaps you are right and no longer trying to be friends with her, but i as she has invited my fiance and i out for drinks with his coworkers, i dont think shes refusing invite because it the right thing to do, or else she wouldnt have bothered to invite him and i to other things. People can say what they want about facebook but in reallity, when people are glued to facebook comstantly posting and commenting on stuff, it clearly matters more than people think.
She was deleted off of Facebook, we agreed it would atleast cut the tie of being anything other than a coworker, the problem is and this is what spurred me coming here, when we were at dinner last night he told me that she knew that I was uncomfortable with her and that he was going to delete her because she “noticed” he unfriended her. I told him its hard to find that out unless youre LOOKING for it, after a lot of back-and-forth he admitted that she didn’t find out on her own and that he told her straight out. He said he’s very sorry for lying but he thought The right thing to do was tell her. Maybe i could get over that but he also told other people. So he lied to me and then told me that basically his other coworkers know. I feel embarrassed and idk how i will feel comfortable around them at work functions.
I am in counseling and i talk to him about all of this, but im here to vent and get an opinion that isnt biased.
i appriciate the feedback.

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FW is exactly like this. She's is flirty by nature. (LOL This sounds like a rap group name) No one ever pointed it out to her before me. Very early on in our relationship it came up. We had very extensive conversations several times about how it comes across and how it makes me feel. We both had to reach an understanding of each other. I know now that, that's just a part of who she is. It's actually a part of her that I fell in love with. She has so many friends, where I am perfectly fine with a tight group. That doesn't give me the right to decide the quality of her friendships just because there are many of them.

I know she is a flirty person. She was that way when we got together. She has toned it down a lot over the years out of respect for me. But it does happen from time to time due to the fact that she literally doesn't realize that she's being flirty 90% of the time. I'm not going to change her. She's been this way the entire 4 years we've been together. I knew that and still proceeded on with our relationship. It sounds like you knew the same about FH and still decided to continue the relationship too. Maybe you guys need to have a conversation about FEELINGS instead of actions. Tell him how is actions make you feel, but also acknowledge that you know he is a flirty person. He might be like my FW and it just comes out sometimes. We have to accept them fully for who they are, or reevaluate our relationships.

View Quoted Comment When you say you are okay with his past hookups, something bothered me from the start. That it seems to you that you ought to be okay with them, as a measure of how much you trust him. That is all very fine and modern, meets psychobabble standards. But you know, it really is okay to not like or want to deal with some of these women. When they are just generally at work, or friends if friends, be civil. But don't be okay with hubby crossing to the personal with them. And don't extend invitations to them, which indirectly says to him, personal contact with her is okay by me. Because, honestly, it is not okay with you. And it should not be okay with you. There is no good thing about people who are outrageously jealous with no reason, and for that reason, good that you just accept past relationships that truly are past, now only fleeting encounters in group situations. But it is very functional, early in time living together or married, to be able to say, you threaten our marriage when you persist in social contact with this ex sexual partner. Don't try to hide that feeling, or suppress it. Like the old saying, you are not paranoid when someone really is out to get you >>> for you to perceive this one person as a potential threat because he works with her all day, and still seeks contact to talk on Facebook, marks this as different from irrational suspicion or jealousy. In order for both of you to feel secure in what really is a new situation, talking about and setting posts for the points where things matter, will long term help each of you with forming functional boundaries to be considerate of each others feelings, and adjust or eliminate any personal behaviors that threaten you as a couple. Hubby spent years footloose and fancy free. With little thought of investing much feeling in many hookups. So he probably thinks, hey, no one ever hooked me before Michelle, and she has me now, what is she worried about? But he needs to cut down on overtly flirtatious behavior, and disclosing personal things to others as though they are as close as his own wife. He has not understood the importance of that yet. With a lot of couples, this issue first comes up as inlaw trouble. Why do they have a voice in his life that he hears, more than mine. Why does he not put me first, and allow family to treat me badly, like I am last in line, when as a wife, I am first now? But many of the issues are the same. His outward behavior needs adjusting to no longer socializing with oast hookups unless you are part of the group, or present. Cutting contact on Facebook was a good step to agree on. But still, his feeling he needs to explain things to her to spare her feelings, did put someone else before you. And he does need to not do that anymore. Good marriages do not happen without some friction to grind off things keeping you apart, making a smoother fit. As long as you learn to focus on the real problems, not just symptoms, and him too, you can be a little more functionally assertive. Building a strong foundation for the rest of your marriage. Good luck with it.

View Quoted Comment A comment not on you, but a feeling I think you will understand. A young cousin who married earlier this summer dropped by last night, she went to a party with hubby, several towns away where he grew up. People home early for Thanksgiving, all near ir in inns or motels near their parents or grandparents homes. Cousin is an introvert, not socially confident. And she seemed so unhappy at first, and expressed it well. I just asked if she would mind if I posted here. Fine with her. At the party hubby turned out to be the class clown, and everyone's friend, hugs and kisses all around. Not a side he shows in their engineering school group. And she said, he thinks being married means he took down the sign that said "available for rent by the day , week, or month, because he wears his wedding ring . I want him to act like he wears a sign that says, Sold/ off the market. . And I completely understand my cousin's feeling. And expect you do too.

Goodness how many girls has he hooked up with that you have to see? I’ve never met/seen any of my FH exes or hookups, if I did they wouldn’t be breathing (just kidding...maybe) I honestly have no idea how you’re dealing with it. I hope he respects you enough to do something to help the situation like maybe moving to a different desk or station idk what his work situation looks like so my ideas might not be accurate but I think you get what I’m trying to say.

I don't know how you're dealing with this, I would blow my top if I saw other females playing in my FH's hair, or if he was buying drinks for a female that I don't even know. I would feel so disrespected and mad at FH. Like SUPER mad. It's not even like being obsessively jealous, it's almost common sense. I guess everyone is different, but would your FH be okay with you buying another guy drinks in front of him, without introducing him? Would he be okay with another man running his hands through your hair? Would he be okay if you were super close to your exes?? I just find this a bit bizarre, but I do appreciate that everyone's relationship dynamics are different. To me though, it would never happen. FH knows he could never try that with me, and frankly he's just not that type of person. I do sort of feel bad for you.

View Quoted Comment Silly thing here:
FH and I were on a “Date Night” last night. We went to our favorite restaurant “Seasons 52” and then to see “Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald”...

Because he is going to be gone to the “Ravens” football game he was trying to set up a place/time to meet with my friend of 18yrs, Dave,( NEVER had a fling w/btw) and his friend and himself. He was on his phone 80% of the meal, I got out MY phone and texted My Bestie about his lack of interest in our date. HIS jealousy went into high gear when he saw me on My phone and was like “Ohhh, who ya textin?” I looked at him and said “Cindy” went back to ignoring him and texting her, as he had been doing me, he was clearing his throat like “Uhhummm, I’m here!” So I looked at him, pointedly put the phone away and turned saying “Ohhh, I see. It’s ok for YOU to ignore ME, but when I text someone You aren’t ok with it?! I didn’t take the 2 calls from Claire( who’s in a serious crisis!) or the call from Cindy. I began to text her to see how You'd feel being ignored. And you don’t like it. I might as well go shopping as you don’t care if I am here or not.” He was all hackles up knowing he was in the wrong and texted them he’d talk later.
So, the jealousy thing is very present when it is on the opposite side. Even tho he could see who I was texting and what, and he was doing the Exact same behavior prior to me doing it... interesting experiment, with predicted results.

Anyway, because FH Is going to be off all day/evening today, a “Ravens” football game w/a friend of his, and meeting up with a friend of mine there, I was jealous he was going to be gone all day.
For the simple reasons of 1) I don’t see him a lot and want the time I can get, 2) I am tied to house during the week*. And 3) He is going to go do something fun. Normally I’d go out myself but I have a fear of November 18- as alot of bad stuff went down that day, including me being in a horrific car accident that fractured my neck in 3 places and my ankle was a compound fracture & my dad finding out the affair he had resulted in my 1/2 German Sister.....

When FH met me he knew that I liked to flirt, liked male attention, and even when I wasn’t wanting any I still found it. He also knew I am Incredibly faithful and am always like “I’ve got an SO/Fiancé”
That doesn’t mean he didn’t get jealous, but if he did he never showed it. Except two times. I have NO clue Why, truly. To my eyes it seemed as if the interaction with the complete stranger was Exactly the same as any other flirty bar conversation that I included my FH in. But for whatever reason FH saw it differently. I respected that and was more physically close to FH the rest of the time we were there to give security to him and let dude know I was Happily taken.

I think that the jealousy thing is oft times something that has a gut based feeling versus any thinking.

And I am not saying to do an experiment yourself- but maybe a mini one like I did w/phone- might help...

*We are having Major home remodeling and I am “tied” to the house during the week because 1) I don’t trust that, even with the sign, the construction guys won’t lose my 2 cats( they left doors open- basement one too where we are staying- and one got out and 1/2 way down drive before I could grab him!)
2) I am supppsed to be here to meet with them if they need to talk about anything/have a problem- as FH is a trial lawyer he’s in court and unreachable 90%of the time.( good thing I’m doing online school for my Associates Degree!)

You keep saying that you trust him but none of the actions you described actually support that statement. I could say a lot of things very confidently that aren't true.

If you trust him, then this isn't an issue. Maybe I'm because I'm binge watching a lot of netflix recently, but you sound very much like Ross in season 3 of Friends. Trying to control the actions of Rachel because someone else may be interacting with her in a way he didn't like. She had no motivation to do anything on it, and it doesn't seem like your husband does either. If you trust your husband, trust him and let this go. I am in the minority that Ross is my favorite character from friends, but that version of Ross is not a good look. Other women may hit on him at times, if he isn't reciprocating, then he hasn't done anything wrong and you should trust him to continue to not reciprocate.

Just came to say I totally understand your feelings. I didn't read any of the other comments. I would be VERY uneasy about that situation.

Well, I kind of get where you are coming from. I would like to say that it would not bother me. Because I really do trust my husband, But I in no way trust women. I have seen too many of them do shady things. They see a great guy and of course they want him. If she was avoiding meeting me, that would make it even worse.

My husband has his own business and he had a secretary that I could not stand. I guess the difference is I did get to know her. I have a sixth sense about people that I developed very early on in my career when I was in retail banking. It has served me well. I knew from day one that this chick was no good. She went around telling everyone they hooked up when they never did. She was always trying to get at him and he was oblivious to it. Then I came along and she was soooo manipulative. She would be so sweet to my face and then stab me in the back. She had to GO. I made things so miserable for her by calling her out on all her crap that she left about 3 months in. 5 years later, I still would like to take that chick out back and give her a good knock in the head. I hate shady B's.