Jealousy?

You’re entitled to feel how you want to feel.

The issue is they work together so there’s not much that can be done about the situation.

I totally get this and see why you’d feel weird that they see each other more time out of the day than you get to see him. Maybe you need to get explaining it in various ways until he finally sees where you’re coming from? I think it’s important that he understands why it makes you uncomfortable

I totally understand your situation but remember you said you trust him so if you trust him it shouldn’t be a problem .

It shouldn’t be about how many hours he sees her vs how many hours he sees you, unless the entire time he’s with you he’s also sitting in a cubicle doing his job. It’s about the quality of the time he’s spending with you. I can understand your feelings, but I think you’ll drive yourself crazy being uncomfortable about a situation that you and he don’t have any control over. The only way he could control this is to find a new job. I don’t know what he does, or the likelihood of that even being possible, but I know that in my relationship if H went to a new company to do the same job he does now he’d make significantly less money.

View Quoted Comment This. Do you expect him to change jobs over this feeling you have? If not then you going on about it to him says loud and clear, I do not trust you, over and over. And he would rightly get very angry with you. You apparently knew he had slept around a lot amongst people who are still around now, and were still okay with marrying him. So number of minutes together they spend at work only matters if you do not trust him. Which is it? You need to trust him, move 1000 miles and live amongst new people, or exit the marriage. What you cannot reasonably do is review his past each and every time anyone he knew is in his vicinity. Your marriage will explode. You need to come to terms with your insecurity. Not just pile all your insecurities on him in the name of his understanding you better, and seeing how his past makes you feel. You said you trust him, which is it? Decide, then go with it. But don't spend years examining everyone he is with, in relation to his past.

View Quoted Comment I dont mind the other people, im friendly with them and honestly do not care but it does bother me that he has a working relarionship and a friendship with a girl ive never met. Ive invited her to a night out with us and parties at my place, she doesnt show up. Ive tried to ease my discomfort and meet her but right now, shes the girl who sees my fiance more than me and talks to him on fb posts and at work about her and his personal life.
He also mentioned me finding the whole thing a tad uncomfortable to her and another coworker and i now dont even want to meet these people ever because of this.
Im just bummed. I trust him but this is the only girl thats bothered me in our whole relationship, i dont have trust issues or else id be scared his seriously gorgeous ex gf he dated for years, but were friendly and get along very well and with 0 jealousy or worry. And yes theyre friends.

I understand how it would make you feel uncomfortable or jealous, even if you do trust him. I know that no matter how much trust there is, it is hard. I would discuss it with him, I know guys are different but talking about it helps. I wouldn’t worry to much, I know, easier said than done but I’m sure he goes to work and comes home, I know it’s hard since they work together but I wouldn’t worry about it too much, but again I know it’s hard not too worry a little, you’re human

You refer to inviting this person over: Why would she want to meet or get friendly with you? Most people who have stopped seeing someone, then over time gotten to be just friends again, still want nothing to do with their later SO or wife. Feeling as you do, does it occur to you that she is building a wall here between the work situation, which they are now fine with, and his personal life, which she has in her mind labeled, "Don't go there" territory. By refusing to accept your overtures, or being friendly with him in his out of work life, she is functionally setting boundaries. Think about it. And maybe think about nit trying to go outside your own boundaries, digging up his past alliances by trying to incorporate past relationship people into your lives, when you do not naturally cross paths ( as you do with some other past girlfriends of his.). If his having extended close contact with her in a work setting bothers you, if she were to accept your invitations you would find yourself always monitoring the time they spent together, how she or he looked at the other, or laughed , or was too physically close...you would be fueling an obsession, a very destructive one. You should learn from her, and set boundaries for yourself. Past people from each others lives who are close because you are both friends of friends, or were friends previously, you deal with by accepting that they are now only passing acquaintances. But do not actively try to incorporate coworker with past personal relationship with hubby in to your current social life. You have reached out to her. She has not been hostile, simply had the good sense to put up an invisible fence ir boundary, no crossing into each others home lives again. You need to work on your boundaries. That old saying, that fences make for good neighbors, refers to how healthy it is for people to examine where their lives intersect, and by their own behavior, limit interactions to what both sides are comfortable with. You cannot tell hubby, it is fine to see this person in the workplace, I trust you not to allow her in your personal space again...while urging her in invitations to come in to hubby's personal space. Make up your mind. Accept his past for what it was. Do not pull into your personal lives, people who only now see him in group public or work spaces. Not just this woman, but others. Unhealthy for your marriage. And for your mental health.

Ok i guess im different. I totally get where ur coming from. My FH works in an office full of women and I will fully admit that I am a jealous person. So after about 2 weeks of him working in his new office I brought him lunch lookin fine as wine!! Yes I pissed on my territory. They all saw me and I walked through his office like the Queen I am. I understand he has to work with women but I also expect him to carry himself in a manner that other women understand that he is OFF LIMITS. At his previous office one time he didn't. Found out he was pulling another womans ponytail on a regular basis at work. Being funny. Ummmm no go!!! We had a good "discussion" about that one and he realized his mistake. Express ur expectations. He certainly shouldnt be discussing these things with her or any other coworker.

Nope this is the worst and I would not be ok with that. I dated a guy at work and he worked on the other side of the building but it was still the worst. We got new jobs.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this except for the fact that hubby HAS continued outside personal contact with this former hook up - by means of FB and discussing his wife’s insecurities with this woman. That is a no-no - no matter who she is. Now he’s exposed his wife to judgement and scrutiny by someone she doesn’t even know AND worse, someone she feels iffy about. It is inappropriate that he keeps up extended, non-work related contact with her. As soon as his wife expressed concern, he should have pulled back. Wife’s feelings are his priority. What would he be losing by cutting off FB, etc contact with her? This scenario IS how things start. Sharing information with someone else about your SO... To me that should be her bigger issue. Not how much time they’re around each other.

OP, Judith is right. You need to make up your mind. It sounds like you are trying the “keep your enemies closer”, which I get, but hubby’s actions are the only thing you need to be concerned about. He’s under the misconception that he has to AGREE with your feelings in order to acknowledge them at all. You need to explain your stance on various boundaries and respectfully come to a mutual agreement on how to handle this. This is a tricky one. Good luck!

For me this wouldn't be a problem. If you're ok with other exes then what is it about this one that is different besides the fact that you haven't met her? It shouldn't matter if you've met her or not. If you say you trust him then trust him. He will be around plenty of women in your guys lifetime whether it is at work or at a bar with his friends. It's up to him to respect your relationship.

What is the end game here? Do you want him to quit his job?

View Quoted Comment I agree. How is this significantly different than any other woman who is his coworker. Ok they hooked up. But he could be sitting next to her or another woman at work and he could be FB friends or chummy with, would you be jealous of them?
You don't have any male coworkers who you have inside jokes with or are friendly with?

If you trust him you need to try to let it go. If your jealousy is stemming from a different place, Ie he's done it in the past, he seems overly flirtatious or touchy towards other women then maybe talk to him about those actions that may be upsetting to you.

I can understand the fact that you are jealous of the time she gets to spend with him.
Let me ask you this:
- If they spent 4.5hrs a day together would you still be feeling this way?
- If they hadn’t had a relationship and worked the 8.5hrs a day would you still feel like this?
- If you saw him 8.5hrs a day and she didn’t would you still feel this way?
- If she worked on another floor/department, and the hours were the same you each “spent” w/him( but she’s not physically near him 95% of these hrs) would you still feel the same way?
- Has your fiancé acted any differently towards her when you are around or when you two talk about his past relationships?

if you answered “yes” to any of these than I would look at what ones you said yes to. I think that if it was “Yes” to the second question than it is more of a time he is not, able, to spend with you vs his having had a relationship with her.

I can sympathize w/you on the lack of time spent.
( Although, my fiancé does call, text or email through the day. He knows how sensitive o am right now & my health isn’t great 85% of the time, so he checks in... Maybe that would help?)
There are weeks that my fiancé is in his office- solo trial attorney- at 6am &, then his son works for him and is there seeing him( even if he is at court all day- it still feels like that!) home at 6pm, then to a sporting thing- sometimes w/son or someone else, and so I get the “feed me” and “let’s go to bed”... Thus, making me jealous of his son & the 4 ladies he has had as his secretarial staff for 27yrs! I trust ALL 5 of them implicitly, but I still have jealous pangs....

View Quoted Comment I work with two men in their 60s and thats all,so i cant really compare this to my work place environment.
I have never hooked up with anyone at my other jobs in the past, nor would i accepted a job with some i had a previous encounter with hut thats eay to say not having wver been put in that situation so who really knows.
I would be completely okay with a desk change or a different shift, i dont want him to quit this job but now im more uncomfortable that he felt the need to tell her about my issue with it, because “they good friends”.
i havent met her in three years and they apparently only hooked up once so im confused where the good friend part comes in, seeing as hes had the job for two months.
Hes not cheating on me but i find the situation to be weird.

All your feelings are 100% valid. In my oppinion I wouldn’t be worried. I say that coming from the other side of the story. I don’t work with my ex but he’s my best friend and has been for almost 10 years now. He and FH get along really good and he’ll come over and hang out with us or just him and I will go out for drinks. I know it’s not the same situation at all but people’s relationships change. Plus since they work together they have no choice but to at least be civil, so they may have had that discussion and wanted to move forward on a clean slate being coworkers. Could be wrong of course, but just a thought. But sending positive vibes your way

View Quoted Comment So you feel like he's sharing personal details about your relationship with someone else and being less open with you? Remember he did tell you about telling her so I guess that's something.

That's more of a legit thing to be upset with that you can discuss with him. "why did you tell them I was uncomfortable with this? You know I'm trying to work through this because it's a bit odd of a situation that we've never experienced before. We're supposed to be a team and I didn't appreciate you sharing my emotions with your coworkers(don't say just her). "

Also a desk change doesn't seem like that would help much, because they could just take breaks together. And a shift change may affect your relationship if the two of you are off schedule from one another.

View Quoted Comment

ALL.OF.THIS.

Also, I agree with a lot of what Judith said. It sounds like you want to have control over who he can and cannot have friendships with. In my experience, that doesn't make for a healthy relationship. I'm in a same sex relationship. FW works in retail at a theme park. She talks to hundreds of women I've never met on a daily basis. When we first started dating, her direct boss was someone that she had a fling with before me. Did it make me uncomfortable? I mean obviously. However, she loved her job and absolutely respected our relationship. You can't preach trust and then tell him you don't want him speaking to someone.

Should he have told her about your concerns? Definitely not, and that's a whole other conversation that you should have with him. But I would definitely talk to someone about your insecurities (no matter how not fun it is) so that doesn't start to affect your relationship.

Like i said, i do trust him, and know he would cheat but hes very friendly. Think of a golden retriver but in human form. I once saw him at a party with a girl braiding and playing with his hair, i told him that was a bit much for me and he said he said people do it to him all the time because he has crazy long hair, i told him i dont feel comfortable with it and he still dont think it was weird. A few months ago we were at a bar he offered to buy a girls drink, didnt introduce me to her ever, but shes a friend so he bought it for her. Using our shared debit cards. I told him that i wasnt comfortable with that because it typically sends a message and seems flirty. Both times he didnt see anything wrong with it and still doesnt. So i do worry hes legitamely oblivious to when hes flirting and if i could be a fly on tge wall, im sure i would find hes bahavior towards her to be not ok. Sometimes he so unaware of how he acts and how it looks to other people.
They regulary talk on facebook and at work and clearly about personal things. He has 15 people, literally outside of work that he can share these things with and he chose her. He can speak to whoever he wants but if they are truly friends I will have to meet her, ive met all of his other good friends, i dont see why this would be any different.

I meant wouldnt***