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Savvy July 2020

It’s weird for my mom to be making vendor meetings without me, right!?

Abigail, on November 13, 2019 at 2:24 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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Hi, first time posting. I feel like I’m losing my mind and I have been engaged for exactly 4 days. We’re looking to plan a summer 2020 wedding, so we’re jumping into things. My FH and I are both 23, so we didn’t have much saved for a wedding, but were willing to have something small ($10k). My parents said that was ridiculous, and that they would pay for a big wedding, around $35-40k. My mom is currently recovering from a small elective surgery so she was bored, so I asked if she wanted to look at venues online with me. Within a day, she told me that she booked a meeting for a venue I sent her, on a weekday when she knows I can’t go, and it’s fine if I’m not there.

It’s only escalated from there. She found a DJ (no venue, no date) who is contracted with a venue management company, so she cancelled the other meeting and made a new meeting with another venue. Now she’s getting mad at me for requesting info from venues I like (because “it’s confusing for both of us to be contacting them”) and is insisting that I can’t book tours without her because venues won’t want to explain things twice. But it’s fine for her to book things without even telling me, apparently. I finally blew up and asked her if she was the one getting married now, which she responded by saying that I asked her for help, and it’s her money so she gets a say.
Sorry for the rant. I just need reassurance that she is way out of line and maybe some advice on how to deal with this!?

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Valerie, on November 14, 2019 at 10:27 PM

Super November 2020
Ashley · on November 13, 2019 at 2:27 PM
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Oh wow. I would definitely sit down and talk with her. Let her know that you love that she's excited to help and you want her to help you plan your big day, but that she needs to consult you before doing anything because again, it is YOUR day.
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Lady · on November 13, 2019 at 2:32 PM
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I agree with your mom that since it's her money she should get a say in venue/vibe of the wedding. However, she super overstepping IMO. Tell her you'd love her input but would like to be the one to initiate contact with the venues, etc so you and your FI are making sure to pick places that you like.
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Super February 2020
Andrea · on November 13, 2019 at 2:35 PM
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She sounds overly excited about the wedding that she's forgetting its YOUR wedding. You need to sit her down and say that even though she is helping to pay for the wedding, you would like to be involved as well cause you are the one getting married. You're not dismissing her, you just want the information as well.
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Super October 2020
Megan · on November 13, 2019 at 2:36 PM
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She’s right that it’s her money, so you should be respectful of that, but the whole scheduling things without you part is way too much.

Most of the time, when people give you money for your wedding, it comes with strings. You need to sit down with your mom, acknowledging these “strings”, and figure out what they actually are so you can navigate this situation.
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Dedicated October 2021
Christina · on November 13, 2019 at 2:40 PM
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I think it’s totally reasonable for her to go WITH you to meetings on anything she’s covering. Being her money on the line I would want to have an idea of what is going on. But I do think it’s crazy for her to think she can plan meetings without you and especially get mad at you if you make a meeting without her. It is your wedding, so regardless of if she’s paying, everything should be involved in by you. I would worry that if this is how she’s behaving now, it may get worse when you’re making detail decisions if she wants things differently...
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on November 13, 2019 at 3:58 PM
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Yeah it is weird that she doesn't want you to go on tours, but I will echo what others have said, money will come with strings attached, and it seems like the ones your mom has attached are very short! I would let her know that you want to be in charge of contacting vendors, but be sure to include her in the tours, meetings, etc. if she is still going to pay for it!
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Savvy July 2020
Abigail · on November 13, 2019 at 4:04 PM
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Thanks everyone! We’ve already technically had the talk about “strings” but my mom is able to make herself sound very reasonable in those: she wants to be able to invite some of her friends and have the ability to veto anything too expensive. My stipulation was that everyone (me, FH, mom and dad) has to agree to a venue before anything is signed. (The guest list is about a third her friends currently, so I may not be able to invite my own, but that’s a separate issue). I’m hoping once we can compromise on a venue, she will calm down. So far she has objected to the color of my bridesmaids (she wants the one color I said no to), flower girls (she doesn’t want me to have them at all, their mom offered), and the music (I want a DJ for the reception, she wants a swing band...? None of us listen to swing music). Wedding planning is fun!!
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Expert October 2019
Jess · on November 13, 2019 at 8:37 PM
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Honestly if it ends up being super difficult and she keeps pushing back so much i would decline her offer to pay and do the smaller wedding you originally wanted. Yes she’s paying so she should know where her money is going but that doesn’t give her the right to high jack your day and be manipulative.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on November 14, 2019 at 12:02 AM
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Yikes! Mom, that is not ok. You need to have a chat with her and set boundaries (“mom, you can send me research but I’m the one who needs to meet with them and make the decision”). If she’s not ok, refuse her money and have the wedding you want for $10K (that’s a nice budget for a small wedding!).
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Devoted September 2020
Mandee · on November 14, 2019 at 12:57 AM
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My mother and I had this fight three days after I said yes! I told her very quickly that while I appreciate her help and input, this is my wedding and I will be the one making decisions. Period. If she doesn't like that then I will not be taking any money from her or my father and she will not get any say in any of the wedding planning.
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VIP November 2016
Tara · on November 14, 2019 at 8:12 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through that. I would be so frustrated! Maybe she's just really trying to help and wants to take some of the stress off you. I do think it's odd she's contacting vendors without first telling you and setting up appointments and saying you don't need to be there. It's your wedding! You should be involved with every aspect, if that's what you want. My husband and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves and I'm glad we did because I didn't have to deal with the money issue when considering what I wanted. It's not fair for her to say that to you. Maybe you can explain to her, very calmly, that it's your big day and while you appreciate her assistance in planning and paying, you have a vision and you know what it is. Do what YOU and your FH want!! Don't try to please everyone else. You'll look back and have regrets if you do. Wishing you all the luck!
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Devoted August 2020
Valerie · on November 14, 2019 at 10:27 PM
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You need to put on your big girl pants and get a grip on your own wedding! Lol. Summer 2020 is not a lot of time so start doing your own homework and booking appointments. I can understand why your mom got carried away if she’s bored and stuck at home but figure out what kind of wedding you want, who is paying for it and YOU call the shots and make the moves and invite her along to participate if you/ she wants.
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