Is this the end?

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This sounds a lot like my situation with my ex. I loved him because we had been together almost two years, I cared about him a lot, and he was my best friend, but I started to realize I wasn't in love with him. We were a lot closer to roommates than we were significant others. His mother waited on him hand and foot growing up and I soon found myself doing the same thing. He acted so helpless all the time.

I was too sick to cook dinner one night and he said "okay well can you just make me some macaroni then?". Kraft macaroni, from the box. I said "I really don't feel good, but it's easy to make. Just follow the instructions". He threw a whole temper tantrum and ended up going to McDonald's because he kept whining saying he didn't know how to do it. I was dating a complete child.

When he started talking about proposing, I knew it was time to leave. I wanted to for MONTHS, but never did because I knew how bad it would hurt him. Ultimately, you have to look out for you first. You sound very unhappy and he sounds very unwilling to contribute or change, regardless of this new job.

If your gut says to walk, none of our opinions hold any sway. You already know. If you have told him how you feel and he hasn't at least put any effort toward making you feel appreciated, then you are probably getting a glimpse of what your future would hold if you stay. Counseling could help, but first there needs to be a show that a change is wanted. I wish you luck.

Being in a relationship with someone with a military, police, fire, etc. job is a lot of work and way different than normal day to day life for most people. I would suggest couples counseling.

Being on opposite schedules blows, but if he isn't mature enough to realize that he needs to put in some effort in the form of some household chores to help keep his fiancee from feeling like she wants to call off the engagement, he isn't mature enough to get married.

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That's exactly how we are. He will literally just tell me he is hungry which translates to "make dinner." His job is his excuse for everything. Its been like this for over a year now. If he acts like this now, I cant imagine having kids with him.

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Hon I hate to say it, but it sounds like you've already made your decision. You're unhappy. Marriage won't fix that. You know him, yourself, and your situation better than anyone on this forum. Your gut doesn't seem to be irrational in wanting to leave. Don't keep yourself from happiness because you're too worried about someone elses feelings.

It took me about six months to work up the courage to finally leave my ex because I knew it would break him, and even after I did he begged and pleaded for me to stay and I almost gave in. The night after I broke up with him, I got home from work and he had left roses and candy on our kitchen counter and cleaned up the house (he had gone to stay with his mom until we could move his stuff out). That made me think "well maybe he can change and this can work". But it was too little too late, you know? It took me breaking up with him for him to actually listen to me and make a "change". I knew if I stayed it wasn't going to stay that way.

I'm in no way trying to talk you into leaving, I just know how hard it is to put yourself first when it comes to someone you care about. Best of luck with whatever you decide

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Believe it or not I have tried to leave twice for totally unrelated reasons. He used to be controlling and bossy. I never should've stayed when the only thing keeping me in it was this made up version of him in my head. My family and friends hate him. Almost all the women in my life were married at a young age and i guess I just rushed myself into it too.

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I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. At least you've realized that the reason you've stayed is because you're hoping for either the person he used to be or the person he isn't interested in being for you. You still have plenty of time to get married and it should be with someone that you absolutely can't wait to get married to. Trust your gut, even if it's not easy!

Thank you all for the advice. I think I know what I have to do. I just worry what will happen and how things will go. Luckily, I'm not on the lease for our apartment.

That’s tough, my fiancé works nights and I work during the day so we don’t see eachother during the week. When he first started the job, he was very cranky from lack of sleep but it did get better!! My advice to you is plan something fun on his day off, dinner and drinks at his favorite restaurant, take a hike, go to a concert, give him something to look forward to! It will cheer him up and it will also help you guys spend some much needed time together!

Every time you update, you reveal more and more red flags. His schedule is not the problem. The problem is he wants you to be his servant, he's controlling and bossy, he still has bad traits after counseling, you don't think he'll take you seriously if you ask for counseling, everyone hates him, he uses his job as an excuse to get out of grown up responsibilies, and he started dating you when you were 16-17 when he was 21
You don't even seem to like him that much. You acknowledge you're rushing into marriage because everyone else did. You had a bad feeling when you put down a deposit. LOTS of red flags. I think you need to get out before it gets worse. This isn't a couples problem, this is a him problem.

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This comment stuck out to me. I think you have to ask yourself these questions:

*Why am I with him? Is it because he's the only one you've been with and there is a safety and comfort in that? Or do you see yourself building a loving relationship, a family, and a future with him? Change can be scary, especially since you were so young when you got together.

*Are these character traits deal breakers? Will they jeopardize your safety or the safety of future children? He went to counseling and it didn't help. That drew a major red flag for me.

*Do you honestly love him anymore? Or do you love the memories you have and that is what is keeping you holding on?

The fact that you said he would hold you going back to school over you, the bad character traits, and that you have begged him to keep fighting, and he is seemingly ignoring you makes me think that this relationship may not be healthy for either of you anymore. Maybe some space would do some good.

I sincerely wish you luck and keep us updated!

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Also this!!!

Wife of a police officer here. While it takes a certain type of person to be married to a cop, many updates you’ve posted show you have other issues. Cops see a lot during their shift. He will never tell you all of it. And it’s going to affect him in a certain way. They get stressed and it takes an emotional toll on them. They don’t want to share with you the things they’ve seen because they know it’ll give you nightmares. And keeping all that in can affect their attitude in and of itself. However, you shouldn’t be being treated as though you’re his slave, there to cook on command. But I can guarantee you that he seriously needs someone to talk to, wether that be a counselor or another cop who will understand the things he’s struggling with.

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Out of everything you've described about your relationship, the one that concerns me the most is that you say if you went to school that he would hold it over your head. A partner should be someone who supports your dreams and ambitions. A partner should never make you feel bad about trying to better yourself and work with you to make adjustments to help achieve your dreams. If I were you, I would end the engagement. Especially, since he doesn't seem to be open or responsive to counseling. Before I got married I was engaged to someone else who was emotionally abusive to me and I finally had the courage to end the relationship. It was the best decision of my life and now I'm married to someone who is my partner, supports my ambitions, and has no problem helping around the house. It sounds like your SO has a lot of issues he's never dealt with and doesn't know how to treat you with respect. He doesn't seem to demonstrate a desire to make your life better or to do things to make you happy. Breaking off an engagement sucks. It's embarrassing to tell people, you lose money, you have to start over, you can feel like a relationship failure, but what's even worse is entering a marriage where you are not respected and supported. It will just make you more miserable in the long run and what you would spend in divorce lawyer fees is probably less than you would currently lose on any deposits. I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck, and remember you deserve to be with a person who respects you, wants to support you, and who makes you happy.

1. Counseling is like going in for your regular check-ups, except for your mind. Please don't dismiss it out of hand. DH and I had about 6 months of it while we dated, and it was HUGELY helpful.

2. Opposite schedules are tough, but you can work it out, with teamwork.

3. Unfortunately, it sounds a heck of a lot like your FH has many other issues, none of which he is willing to work on. I see some red flags in many of your posts, like "controlling," "bossy," "never did laundry in his life." These are not good signs for a happy marriage, let alone a roommate.

4. You sound like you are looking for an excuse to leave.

Let me be very, very clear:

If you are unhappy, and you do not see a way to make this better, you have YOUR OWN PERMISSION to end this relationship.

And yours is the only opinion that matters in this entire thing.

This is tough. he is starting a career. and a dangerous one at that. i know you feel left out and forgotten about but just remember its also an adjustment as much for him as it is for you. try to be patient. remember that man you fell in love with - he STILL IS that man. you guys will adjust, it just takes time!

With reading all the comments and your responses I see you pointing out his flaws, how he doesn’t appreciate you and how he’s immature. If you think getting married will make him appreciate you more or make him mature you’re wrong. I’d try getting some counseling first and if that doesn’t work maybe you guys should take a break or postpone the engagement/ wedding. You guys are still young and you don’t have to get married right now.

I’m sorry you are going through this and I with you all the best ❤️

I would say assess the relationship I went through this with my first and it was ugly and didn’t get better he was an engineer and got lost in his work. Sometime you have to be understanding and also there is prioritizing your relationship for him. If he’s worth it seek council if it’s on to the next one.