Is this the end?

Have you guys considered couples counseling? I would do that before just walking away.

I'm so sorry, its definitely hard being on opposite schedules and adjusting to a new job. I agree with PP that you should try couples counseling. It can be so helpful to have an unbiased third opinion. I think you should also determine whether this schedule he has is long term. If its a few more months of night shifts and then back to a regular schedule, you might be able to get back into a better routine soon. If its long term, that might be harder to work with. Good luck

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He will have to be on the force for 10 years before he even gets considered for another shift unfortunately.

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I have not. I am 19 and he is 24 so I feel as if I already need counselling with him, he is not my forever. We have been together since I was 16/17.

Being with someone who works 3rd shift is hard, especially when you work almost opposite hours. Its no fault of their own, its hard on their body and makes them tired a lot of the time. My fiancé used to and I can honestly say that our relationship has gotten 100 times better since he switched to a new job. It takes dedicating time (from both sides) to put towards the relationship. I would agree that couples counselling is a great way to do that, especially if he's having trouble putting in effort. I would also suggest figuring out exactly what you want from him, more specific that just time.

First, I appreciate the work your FH is doing. It is not easy. What do you do for a living? Have you considered getting a night shift job? Do you guys have the money so you could go to school (maybe nursing)? Good luck no matter what you decide.

Opposite schedules are a pain, FH and I were in the same position a month or so ago. I work 8am-5pm and he works 3pm-2am. It was a difficult adjustment, but we're used to it now and have found a way to make the best of it. We have lunch dates twice a week on my lunch break before he goes into work. I do most everything around the house because he works longer hours at a more strenuous job, so he normally comes home, eats, and goes to bed.

Your FH may want to put in more effort, but he's probably very stressed and tired with his new job and it's going to take some time for him to get used to it. In the meantime, I would tough it out and be supportive and understand this is only temporary. But if your gut is telling you to leave, then maybe this isn't what you really want. I will say that you shouldn't listen to what anyone else says about your relationship. Counseling would be a good idea as PP's mentioned. I'm a believer of if it's meant to be, it'll be. Through thick and thin. Best of luck to you.

View Quoted Comment That’s a really inaccurate statement and it will hurt you in future relationships if you continue to have the view that counseling shouldn’t be necessary if the relationship is right. Couples counseling is meant to help strengthen couples in areas where they may be struggling. ALL couples have issues they need to work through. He’s been an adult the entire time you’ve been together and you haven’t been. That by itself can cause some growing pains in relationships.

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Hi Karen, thank you. I am a production coordinator for Dell computer company. We both make really good money but I know if I went to school and stopped working he would hold me not having a job over my head. He has some very bad character traits that he went to counseling for but it didn't help.

View Quoted Comment That's not true at all. Counseling can be a good platform to get on the same page and help move you both to be on the same page. I know couples who have been happily married for many many years and go to counseling bc it's a great way to stay in check with the other. It isn't just a last ditch effort to save relationships.
We had some premarital counseling and it helped me realize there are different ways to Express love and helped me understand what hubby needs from me in our relationship. They arent necessarily things we talk about in day ti day life.

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I don't even think he would take me seriously if i asked him to go to counseling. See that's where our relationship is weird too. I have worked for everything and paid all of my own bills since I was 15, while he hasn't had to. He has even cleaned his own room or done his own laundry once in his life. I basically took over a mother role and now he refuses to help me. His parents still pay for his phone and insurance and he spends money like water because he has no concept of it and borrows money off of me. Theres a lot of problems but obviously I didn't want to spew them onto this post, lol.

View Quoted Comment These things all make it much clearer why your gut is telling you to leave though. Working through a new schedule struggle is very different than adding that to an already tense situation. If he can’t stand on his own feet financially and needs you to do everything in the house for him, he isn’t ready for marriage IMO. If you’re interested in staying in the relationship (only you can decide that) I would stop giving him money, explain that you need to both be financially independent and contributing to the household chores before marriage and insist on couples counseling. If he doesn’t take you or your relationship seriously, it’s time to walk away.

View Quoted Comment There's nothing wrong with needing counseling at any age. If you guys are going through a rough patch and you want to work things out, you should consider it. It sounds like his job is hard on him and the conflicting schedules is hard on both of you. You could also try setting up a date night once a week or even once every 2 weeks if you can't do once a week. Don't talk about work or problems, just relax and enjoy each others company

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It just sucks. He made a lot of promises like cooking three nights a week, unloading the dishwasher if I load it, little things like that when i brought up that he should help me even in the smallest ways. It was supposed to be our thing that we would always go to the grocery store together and out to dinner before but he acts like its the end of the world if i ask him to go with me. I love him but I literally just play a motherly role in his life and my feelings are slowly becoming platonic because of all this. I also asked him to pick up his things in our bedroom and he tells me "No, its my day off." And on days he works he says "No, I worked today." So finally I said what do you think I do on my days off? He said "I don't know, what do you do?" as if I don't run our entire household.

I am going through something similar, but I am very far into my wedding planning. My advice is to make a chore chart. It sounds childish but it may help. Just evaluate your schedules and assign chores to each of you every day of the week. I would recommend holding off any wedding planning until you work this out

Your gut is pretty intuitive, and know things we can’t understand. If you still love him and believe he loves you, I would suggest couples counseling. It’s not scary, and it’s not shameful. We’ve been before (different situations but we went anyway) and it’s very helpful. It was very helpful and made us feel closer. I hope that helps you.

View Quoted Comment Wow that’s poopy of him to say. That’s not how a relationship works. We’re not their mothers, we are all partners. We all have things to do and get tired and need a break. He doesn’t get to say “no, it’s my day off” because nothing will ever get done.

Okay, I just went through and read some of the things you wrote in your other comments. I’m sorry, I have to wonder why a 21 year old would want to date. 16-17 year old. Based off the ages you stated above. I don’t think 19 is too young to get married. It is young, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. But I have to wonder about him - that’s a big age gap at the age you started dating. I think he needs to work on his own issues before marrying anyone.

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I think i definitely knew i didn't want this when i felt sick to my stomach making the deposit for my wedding venue.

View Quoted Comment I would 100% put off wedding planning. I understand he is adjusting to his new schedule, but you work too and it's not fair for you to be doing all the household chores. You need to sit down and talk with him, and if he still doesnt help out I would take that as him showing you how he really feels.