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Is this reasonable or rude?

Jessie, on September 15, 2020 at 5:11 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 34
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I am in a wedding party right now and the bride and groom had to push back their wedding due to covid but she is still having a bridal shower. She has requested us not to get them anything “bridaly” or for their home or for then as a couple at all, and instead asks that we all pitch in to get her either $1500 shoes or a $2200 bracelet. I’ve never heard of anything like this, she was in my wedding last year and didn’t even get me a shower gift which was totally no big deal I certainly didn’t have the shower to get gifts but now that she’s essentially requiring us to all spend between $150-200 for hers I find it a little more obnoxious. For my bridal shower none of my friends except my three BEST friends spent any more than $50 but the gifts were all really sweet, sentimental, and personal — and every other shower I’ve attended has been the same so I thought that was the point of bridal showers but am I just not usually exposed to this other kind of crowd and maybe this is normal?

34 Comments

Latest activity by Jana, on September 16, 2020 at 4:12 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Wow that's kind of an odd request, that's for sure.

    however i don't think people follow it regardless. i've been to showers where people will get you things you didn't ask for on a registry anyway.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I think that's super tacky! If I were you, I'd get her a card and a visa gift card (probably for like $30) and let her buy her own jewelry.

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  • J
    Jessie ·
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    It is right? Well she’s asking specifically the bridesmaids to buy it for her so it’s like we can’t really say no, she told us to Venmo the money to her maid of honor so... also I’m not sure if anyone else in the party even thinks it’s over the top or not because I’m only friends with her because my husband and her fiancé grew up together
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  • Katie
    Dedicated October 2021
    Katie ·
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    I think it’s rude to specifically ask for a very expensive item while also saying they explicitly do not want anything else. This is what registries are for and some allow you to have the option to spend towards a big ticket item without paying for the whole thing. But you shouldn’t feel like you and other BMs are responsible for buying her $1500 shoes... are you close with the other BMs to ask them what they think? Maybe you could pool together your shower gift money (whatever your personal budget is) and get a gift? Or a gift card to wherever those shoes are sold lol
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  • J
    Jessie ·
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    Okay phew I’m relieved to hear this because I was like is this a me thing? Okay you may not want like mr and mrs coffee cups but sorry that’s what a bridal showers is — it’s about celebrating the future couple and love not jimmy choos right ? Like the amount of money is one thing but more than that to me is the principle of it I feel like it’d be like being invited to a baby shower where they say please don’t feel the need to get anything for the baby instead you can get me a Chanel purse, thanks! 😂
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  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
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    Wow, that would get a big H*** No from me. She's got a lot of balls to make those demands. It is way out of the ordinary for sure, and in my opinion she's taking advantage of you guys.

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  • Jessica
    Master September 2020
    Jessica ·
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    That would be a hard pass from me. She can buy her own jewelry and shoes. Does she realize weddings are about the entire couple and not just the bride?
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    There is literally no instance where this is a reasonable request. First of all, she cannot demand gifts, she cannot demand a certain dollar amount, and it's very rude to even request personal items such as shoes and jewelery. I would politely tell her no. If she doesn't like it, that sucks for her 🤷‍♀️.
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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I personally don't think this is reasonable. She can certainly add the items to her registry and if you and the other bridesmaids all decided on your own to go in on it together, that would be one thing, but I don't think it's right of her to decide what you "have" to get her as a gift and decide what amount you "have" to spend. If it were me, I would probably get her a smaller gift in a price range I'd be more comfortable with instead.
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  • Kimberly
    Expert October 2020
    Kimberly ·
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    Would she get mad if someone put in $25 to the jewelry/shoe pot she is asking for? Just because she requests these shoes or bracelet doesn’t mean she is going to get them gifted to her. Requiring specific gifts to be purchased, especially expensive ones, with a minimum spend amount is definitely rude. My FH and I put a high quality pots and pan set on our registry but tagged it as a group gift so if anyone chose to donate what they could they can. No minimum. We planned to pay the difference to get the pots/pans we want later if it isn’t covered by the group. Idk if this is what she has in mind or not. Honestly curious now if what I described is considered rude in any way. I’ve seen people do this with strollers for baby showers so I don’t think it is rude, but could be mistaken. Thoughts?
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    You can 100% day no. The bride doesn’t get to dictate to you what gift you choose to give her. If you have a gift in mind that had meaning behind it and want to give that, do it. If not then I say gift her the amount you would have spent and be done with it. For her to tell you what to do with your gifting is not ok at all. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do even if the others are going along with it.
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I think we can all agree this bride has no idea she is actually joining a union with another person. It’s just about her.
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  • Eri
    Super October 2020
    Eri ·
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    This is one of the rudest things I have ever heard of.

    I'm trying to comprehend this - so this is the group gift she's asking for from all the bridesmaids? Is she still registered and expecting more typical gifts from the other shower guests?

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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    What you are doing is perfectly acceptable. One because it is something for both of you as a couple, not just you. And two, well do we really need a second reason why this is 100% different than a bride demanding her bridal party but her bridal shoes?
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Yes, you absolutely can say no. I promise. I know it might feel awkward and uncomfortable, but she is 100% (on several levels) in the wrong and you shouldn't enable her.

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  • J
    Jessie ·
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    No Kimberly what you’re doing is not rude at all!! That’s totally standard and unfortunately not what my bride is doing 🤦🏼‍♀️ If she had done what you did it would’ve been no problem at all! Instead She just reached out to her maid of honor and told her to contact us her 10 bridesmaids and relay the message that “she does not want any bridey gifts or couplet gifts or anything for their house since let’s face it she has everything! instead she wants us to split this jimmy choo shoe or this tennis bracelet we can pick which we’d like to pick and it’ll be between $150-220 each so you guys let me know and you can Venmo me after we pick” .. that’s exactly the text I received from her maid of honor
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  • J
    Jessie ·
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    Also you’re asking for pots and pans for your future home with your husband not just shoes for you 🤦🏼‍♀️
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    That is insane! You are a much better person than I am because I would have already given her a big huge absolutely not answer on this. 😁 Good luck to you!
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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    I’m with the consensus, you can definitely say no! And I definitely would. Have you spoken to the MOH and other BMs to get their opinions in a subtle non chalant way?


    This bride needs to know she’s getting married, this isn’t her day but her and her FS day!
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  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
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    Hard pass. She can try to be a diva all she wants, doesn’t mean you have to participate.
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