Is there any way to politely list if you rsvp and can't attend to please let us know?

Yes, so so bad.

B-lists are rude.

if someone has RSVP’d yes, assume they’ll show up.

If they said they were coming it would be rude to call and "double check" -- plus if I were a B guest I would be so upset knowing "Hey so my A list guest isn't coming so now can you come to my wedding in 2-3weeks?"

We only had 2 no shows. I’ve never attended a wedding that had anywhere near 20 no shows.

Bad manners to call and confirm. Bad manners to B-list.

Like, if I rsvp-Ed to an event (Which btw I would
never bail on unless there was an emergency day of- but I’d let the host know then), and a week before the host called and said “soooo are you ACTUALLY coming ?” I would be SO put off by how rude that was that i might consider no-showing day of

B Listing is extremely rude. It is like saying "Hey, you weren't important enough to invite the first time around but you are a great back-up!" You are definitely at risk of hurting feelings this way. I have seen friendships ended over it.

There is nothing you can do if someone RSVPs yes and is a no-show. This happens and is usually as a result of sickness etc. a day or two before, so you wouldn't know anyway if it is a week in advance. I think 20-25 is not realistic, though. From BAMs I have seen here, it is usually closer to 2-4.

Like if I get that call I think either you don’t trust me OR you don’t axtually want me there.

For what it’s worth at the last wedding I went to, there were 3 no shows at my table...one’s pancreatic cancer was acting up so the other stayed home with her to care for her. The 3rd “wasn’t feeling well” ...he ended up hospitalized early the next morning. ...most day of no shows aren’t people who just decided they didn’t feel like going

We had about 7-10 not show up but every single one of those had an extremely valid reason (ok, 99% did). We did not know them until the day of and most of them did not know until the day of. We also had people who did not RSVP (and were not invited) show up. So we shuffled some chairs around.

Weddings have things like seating plans and per plate costs. DO NOT invite extra people assuming some won't show and absolutely DO NOT call your RSVPs and ask if they are really coming?! One - WAY too much work the week of your wedding and Two - SO RUDE. Also, just accept that your B list weren't important enough to invite the first time around. If someone asked me if I wanted to go to a wedding the week before, I would probably say no and it would change my view of that couple moving forward.

Woof.

I wouldn't recommend that you reconfirm again. Also, depending on your guest count, that could be very time consuming to reach back out for confirmations again. Plus, if i was the guest, i would feel as if you didn't get my RSVP the first time or that you are obsessed/ controlling on where or not I will be there. Either way, i think it would leave a bad taste for the guests who already confirmed.

Umm No to the B-list, that is so rude and gift grabby. I had 1 no show.

Its all rude. Don't call to confirm, they told you once they were coming. No need to B-list. They'll see your wedding is in 2 weeks and know you didn't originally intend to invite them.

This is a whole post of rude. These people are adults (or under the care of adults) I would assume if they RSVPd and then weren't able to make it there would be a very good reason. To check in after they've already said they were coming is treating them like children.

You should never have a B-list. One set of invites goes out, that's all.

To be honest, I have a few people that I will invite to our wedding if some of my extended family says they will not attend early in the RSVP process, but the other invites would be extended in the six week window prior to the wedding, not a week or two before. There's no need to check up if people have said they're coming. Most people will let you know if something comes up, and things don't usually come up until the last minute. And it's not really respectful of any prospective guest to toss a last minute invitation their way.

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Me too, I would feel like they may not want me there. OP, this is part of the "charm" of inviting people and why it gets so difficult. People will RSVP yes and maybe not show, people will RSVP no then maybe show up after all, or my all time hits leader: no RSVP and still show up.

Do not B list, it is rude.

The only way to really go about any of this and to see if there is wiggle room in your headcount is by sending out save the dates and seeing if anyone is for sure not coming. Do not B list, and use your Save the Dates to gauge if you'll have potential room to add some guests you may not have been able to initially fit on your invite list. But all of your guests need to receive invitations at the same time.

For example, my FH's extended family lives in a different country on the other side of the planet. We let them know the date when we set it, and sent them Save the Dates last September. They've told us from the get go that they probably aren't going to make it because they can't afford the trip. Our invitations are going out in March, so we have a couple people that we were able to add to the guest list because we're assuming that there will be 10 people for sure not coming. We'd still be able to afford to host everyone on our list if his family miraculously finds money for the plane tickets last minute though.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much Nikki. I would really like to invite everyone but to stay within budget i was trying to think of some alternatives. So only send save the dates to those that are definitely on the list right? We were flirting with sending them to about 20 extra people also but didn' want them to get a save the date and not an invitation. This would all be so much easier if we were rich and could just invite everyone.

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately this is the tricky part about the guest list and having to deal with budgets. We’ve all been in this situation so Idk why people get so weird about answering how they navigated it. But the general consensus is that you don’t want to straight up B list people (invite them after you’ve started receiving actual RSVPs) because it might cause some butt hurt feelings on their part. So I’d start with STDs for your “for sure” guests that you’re inviting. Send them the Save the Dates 6-8 months in advance. Hopefully you will hear from a few of them prior to you sending out your invites that they aren’t going to be able to make it for whatever previous commitment. You can then include a few people from your tentative guest list on the invite list. This is really the only way you can “b list” without Blisting & try to stay within your budgeted headcount.

Thank you again Nikki for you positive feedback!! I totally appreciate it!!

If you are close enough with them....just flat out call, text or email. I may get some slack for that on the etiquette side. BUT why pay for a body that wont be there?