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Just Said Yes September 2018

Inviting to local reception and not out-of-state wedding

Laura, on March 12, 2018 at 7:46 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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My FH and I currently live in California but are from Washington. We are having our wedding in Washington. We had decided, to save on costs for us and our guests, that instead of inviting anyone from California to our wedding in WA, we would do a dinner in Cali to celebrate. Something low-key and not so formal. We haven't quite decided if we'll do it before the wedding or after but have been leaning towards before. The issue is, how do I invite people to the dinner and not the wedding? And when do I invite them? Our friends are constantly asking us how wedding planning is going and want to celebrate with us. We're at the point of sending Save the Dates and I don't know how to address that they're not invited to the actual wedding without sounding like a big you know what.

My FH has told a few people that they're not invited and they all seem to take it as a joke. I've told him to tell them we plan on doing a dinner but he thinks it's funnier to be an @ss. Should we (as in I) just word of mouth let people know our intentions, or pick a date (we're 6 months out) and send separate save the dates? Or something else?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Casey, on March 12, 2018 at 12:20 PM

Beginner June 2018
Jessica · on March 12, 2018 at 7:49 AM
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I wouldn't do save the dates for the California dinner and you should send out separate invitations for the California dinner and not send a wedding invitation to those people. Also, you might want to consider doing the California dinner after your wedding, that way it can be a celebration of your marriage.
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VIP July 2018
The Nuptials · on March 12, 2018 at 7:56 AM
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You say they are your friends, why aren’t you inviting them? These people are going to be so hurt. I would honestly scrap the dinner all together, most will probably be too offended to attend. Were you paying for this dinner 100%? Food and booze?
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VIP December 2017
Susan · on March 12, 2018 at 8:09 AM
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If you choose to fully host (you provide all food and drinks) a local reception to celebrate your marriage that is fine, but it should happen after your wedding. Otherwise it's a pre-wedding party and these people may very well (and rightfully so!) expect a wedding invitation. Personally, I would be offended if a friend did this unless the wedding was very small- think immediate family and grandparents only. Otherwise, it would feel like I wasn't good enough to get an invite to the actual event. And I wouldn't use travel as an excuse because people can make their own decisions about whether or not to travel. Lastly, your FH needs to be honest, because the way you've described the situation right now sounds like it's headed towards some serious hurt feelings. Here's what I would do/say: "We just decided on a very intimate wedding with just our families there. However, we are going to throw a party when we get back to celebrate and we really hope that you can make it!"
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Devoted June 2019
Laurel · on March 12, 2018 at 8:38 AM
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What about inviting everyone to the out of state wedding, but including a celebration of marriage info card for the people who can’t travel. You’ll likely get a large number of declines and can keep the wedding small, but then no one will be offended about not actually getting invited.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on March 12, 2018 at 9:31 AM
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Are you have a full size wedding in WA? As in you're not eloping with just your immediate family? If so, this is rude. If you want people at your wedding invite them to your wedding. If you want to just use them for gifts and make that feel like they're just an atm to you, just invite them to the dinner.
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Dedicated September 2014
September Bride · on March 12, 2018 at 9:32 AM
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You don't have to save costs for your friends, they can decide that on their own.
Either invite everyone you can properly host or throw a dinner party in Cali after the wedding.
You don't send STD's to anyone that is not invited to the wedding
Otherwise it's gift grabby
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Super September 2019
An · on March 12, 2018 at 9:48 AM
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I never understood the point of doing this. You are trying to save costs for yourself, so you are effectively throwing a b-list reception for your friends at home. The proper way to do something like this is to invite everyone you want to invite to the destination wedding and if you want to, although not required, you throw an at-home party for those who are unable to attend due to distance, cost etc. Just invite those you can afford to invite to the destination reception.
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Devoted September 2018
2018 Bride · on March 12, 2018 at 10:31 AM
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Yeah I would invite your California friends and let them make the decision of whether to travel themselves. And if you speak with them one on one, you can say that you know the travel might be difficult and you understand if they can't make it, but wanted to extend the invitation anyway. And then if you get a significant amount of people who can't make it, you can still throw the local dinner after your wedding.
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VIP December 2018
Casey · on March 12, 2018 at 12:20 PM
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If you're only choosing not to invite California friends because you want to save them the costs of travel, but you can afford to have them, you should still invite them. However, if your wedding is small and intimate, it's understandable to not want to invite everyone. But from what it sounds like, your friends are willing and expect to travel to celebrate with you, so you need to be honest with yourself and them about the actual reason for not inviting them.
If you're sticking with a California reception, it should be after the wedding. Do not send them Save the Dates; Save the Dates are not wedding announcements, they are a way of telling people you are going to invite them, so they should mark that date on their calendar and start making arrangements.
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