Inviting some nieces and not others. What do you think?

Unfortunately, a lot of family bonds are severed over who was or wasn't invited to a wedding. I want to agree with you straight out - stuff like that makes me boil - but are they having other kids? Those two girls are part of the bridal party, so the brides Bride Brain might say "children free except for my bridal party keeps it fair". Buuuuut that means leaving out those girls sisters, as a start. I get your frustration. Is it worth tanking the relationship with your brother in law?

I agree with the pp. Additionally, ya it sucks but I'm not really sure that you have a leg to stand on here. You cannot dictate who they invite. It's entirely possible that they only invited the two youngest due to budget restrictions.


I had to do that myself. And also because if I invited all the children, they would outnumber the adults about 3 to 1. I cannot exceed 100 people for my venue and budget. The first cut were children. Adding all the kids would have made the guest count somewhere around 250 to 300.
Sorry but inviting your children means they must invite all the children which may be just too much both monetarily and for the venue space.

That they invited the two youngest to be flower girls suggests a kid free wedding except for the wedding party which as others mentioned could likely be due to budget/venue restraints.

Nope. You're wrong. If they are having a child free wedding and opt to have flower girls or ring bearers, those are the only children invited.
Also, weddings are boring. For kids. Heck, for adults too. I dislike weddings and I'm about to have one.
Go or don't go, but you're gonna look like the bad guy.

It may just have been one or two things...they really just want an adult only reception (but still wanted the little ones as flower girls) and then also the cost. If no other guests are allowed to bring their children then it would be no point to invite your kids because it's probably nothing for them to do or anyone to hang out with. I don't know if kids/teens really care that much and get excited about attending a wedding. Take it as a kid free night!

I'm going against the opinions of the previous posters.

Normally having only the children in the bridal party at the wedding is fine, but NOT when it entails splitting up a family. Some people will do that and justify it by saying they only invited the kids over a certain age and the youngest won't even know about it (it's still not right!) but in this case it's the opposite. It's obvious they're using the girls as props and disregarding the feelings of the older kids. Especially being that they're close to all of them, I think it's a rotten thing to do. It's five extra people. They can still have a predominately child-free wedding by including only nieces and nephews, and since they're cousins they'd have each other to hang out with.

If I were in your place, I'd send my spouse to the wedding and make a point of spending a special fun day with my kids to help take the sting out of not being invited to their uncle's wedding.

View Quoted Comment I kind of agree with Pam honestly. I was just explaining that the bride is probably justifying it by saying she's only having the kids in the bridal party, but yeah. I dislike the whole thing because I would never exclude my nieces and nephews. And maybe you just need to volunteer to babysit and take the girls to do something fun. Hopefully the bride realizes that she's tanking some relationships with her child policy, since she's excluding close family.

It usually is ok to have a kid-free wedding except for any kids in the wedding party. This is a common practice.


However, I actually think your sister-in-law is in a tougher spot. How does she explain to her other 3 kids that they’re not invited but the youngest ones are? Yikes.

Is this an ego thing with me? The fact that I wouldn't expect 2 out of 7 nieces and nephews invited to a wedding? Im not sure you understand what ego is. To invite only 2 and leave 5 out is rude. To use 2 children as props is rude. The other "kids" are not babies. They range in age from 10 to 17 and would enjoy the wedding more then 2 little ones most likely and also have over the years developed relationships with their Uncle and soon to be Aunt and would have love to be there on the day that they marry. Maybe you do not have children, but I care deeply about mine. Why would I honestly worry about putting distance between myself and my wives brother and sister in law when they are completely disregarding the feelings of my children. Just because it is someones wedding day, it does not absolve them from hurting family. And if they do not care then why should I.

I do have a child. I have taught her, you do not get invited to everything. If you go through life looking for insults you will find them.

Having some kids as attendants is common. I can see being upset over some kids in ONE family being invited but not others, but that is not your issue.

This is your wife's family, I would let her decide. if you do not support her, I can see her being upset.

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Oh Karen, my wife is the one is upset being that she is the closer of the two sisters. And inviting 2 children from one family and not inviting the other 3 who are in fact the older ones is wrong. And only inviting 2 kids and leaving the other 5 out is wrong. Telling your daughter that you do not get invited to everything is a fine lesson, and I'm sure your child is very young and you think that telling her these things will soften the blow, but telling my 14 year old daughter that her uncle and aunt decided to invite the two youngest kids and no one else is invited just to use them as props in their pictures will surely illicit the same feelings that I have, if not worse. It should either be all 7 nieces and nephews or none. And this was my same sentiments when my mother in law orignally thought that my two children were being invited and the other 5 were not. Even then I stated that its wrong, and I am sticking to my guns now as well. My daughter is a strong young lady who understands when people care about her feelings, regardless if it their wedding day or just any other day. This whole "it's their wedding" may work in some fantasyland, but the decisions made around that day have repercussions in the real world.

Stay home if you want. I hope you are not trying to bully the bride into inviting your kids, that will just breed resentment.

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Karen, I have read all of your comments and you seem to think that what ever the bride decides that everyone else should be ok with. Thats fine and I completely agree that it is the bride and grooms special day. It was once my wedding day and felt the same way. But I also understood that the decisions that I made for that day could and would have reverberations between family members if people were left out. Maybe you are not seeing it from the other side of the coin and how it is already causing resentment towards the bride and groom based on those they choose to leave out. The Groom also happens to be the Godfather and it is his sisters children who are not being invited, not the brides. I am all for having no children at a wedding, but to use the excuse that "only children in the wedding party are invited" when the bride and groom have chosen who is in the wedding party and it is based solely on the fact that they are the youngest girls and no other reason then it is wrong. Feelings of children are going to be hurt and relationships are going to be damaged, and if the bride is fine with that then why would I worry about any resentment headed my way.

I get that this is the bride and groom's day, that they're more than likely paying, and they can choose who comes....but these are kids. These are harsh lessons to teach children. Do you want to explain to your child that their beloved aunt doesn't want them there because they don't want kids there really for whatever reason? As a kid who was excluded from my dad's second wedding, that sort of choice hurts. It's a disappointment I'm not sure we should teach our kids to handle. Because that's teaching them it's ok to stomp all over those closest to you in favor of a special day. I think Mike is 100% correct in being mad for his kids. The bride absolutely needs to be told that she is hurting her nieces and nephews. That's not guilting - that's a reality check. As Pam said, five extra plates may be somewhat costly but you should eat those costs. It's rough to teach kids that they need to be told to respect their aunt's choice solely based on their age. That's something that I don't think you should smooth over with them. Explain, yes. Explain that it is in fact not fair to be excluded based on their age, but you will do something fun with them. Brides get their way to a point. After that, you just start being selfish and hurting people.

I think there is a vast difference between not being invited to your father's wedding versus and aunt or uncle. I disagree the bride does not NEED to be told anything. I don't see a harsh lesson in being told the only kids being invited are the attendants.

I will also say, we ran into this with my FH's nieces. Their parents have had some custody issues, and they were both DEVASTATED when we told them they might not be able to come to our wedding. It is a very harsh lesson to teach kids. If these kids love their aunt and uncle, yes it is harsh. I felt like a bad future aunt dealing with sobbing nieces who thought we hadn't invited them. She was devastated. Maybe not as much as me and my dad, but the same concept.

You are 100% in the right. It is extremely rude to leave some nieces out on purpose, as it is literally telling all the others "We like these ones best so they get invited, but you have to stay home". I wouldn't attend either. That makes ME mad and I don't even know you all haha. I would have your wife handle this because it is her family. See if she can talk some sense into them, and if not, your wife will be put in a really horrible position in choosing whether to go or not, which is 100% the couple's fault. Best of luck to you!

No, you are not in the right here at all. Your brother in law and his fiance are entitled to have a wedding that is mostly adult in time, dress, meals and service, and drinks served, one with mostly couples dancing, and adult conversation as the main activities. It is common to invite only the young children in the bridal party. Or to cut off at an age or gade level only high schoolers needing no regular supervision, or only 7 the grade, whatever age has the maturity level for a party adult in nature. You had the choice of children or no children at your wedding. This is theirs. The kids would not have been hurt if you checked first, before making any promises. When your oldest wants to go to a dance, a show, a date, you are going to say, this is not for everyone. When you get older, you will have your turn. But your uncle is not having any guests who are children The ceremony and reception guests will be adults. Just like when mom and dad go out for dinner and dancing with other adults. B and G are the hosts and decision makers planning this wedding. They should have your support. You did what you wanted. More than half of all weddings have no children be as guests, though some include nursing babies, or cyoung fg and rb, when leave after a couple hours. Your children need to learn about the real world. When one is invited to their best friend's birthday, the others who know the birthday child will not be. The family may invite 8 7 and 8 year olds, but not their 14 sisters and brothers younger and older. The couple is being fair. No guests are children. It is up to you as parents to teach your children that some things are for them. And some are not. Mother of 5.

View Quoted Comment I agree. Leaving out B and G children would be devastating. But nieces and nephews, the only rule is fairness. Don't choose just 2 favorites, or leave home those with zits or braces. But no guests below a certain age ( 16 ) is fair. When we married, our older and some younger sibs had kids. 84 of them, and we did not invite 67 2-13, did invite 13, 16-17. And same with all families. The 167 guests who came overall, had 173 kids. At over a hundred dollars apiece? Crazy. 8 17- 18 yo only were invited , ballroom dancing, formal, reception to 1 am. Our choice.

View Quoted Comment This isn’t a matter of 20 or 30 kids. This is 2 who are going and 5 who aren’t invited. A total of 7. Now you have 5 kids. If 2 of those were invited to their uncles wedding and 3 were or, would you as a parent be ok with that? Neither of the 2 are newborns. One is 2 and the other is 8. My argument is not that they should have kids, it’s that it should be either none or all. While I understand it is the bride and grooms decision, they should be cognizant that their decision is going to leave those who were left out very hurt and will cause resentment from these children. It is not that they are closer with the two who are invited either. It’s that the bride wants to use them as props for her day and that is what is more important to her then the feelings of her soon to be nieces and nephews.