April
Dedicated January 2020

Inviting more after rsvp deadline

April, on December 29, 2019 at 9:45 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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My rsvp deadline is on Friday. The wedding is one month away. We invited roughly 50 people and most have responded but we've gotten about 10 declines and I'm expecting a few more declines. Since it was a small invite list there were some local friends who I didn't invite originally to make room on the guest list for out of town family and friends. I'd like to extend invitations to some local friends now but what do I do about the printed on deadline that's this coming Friday? Do I write in a new date? I would be hand delivering these invitations if course.

21 Comments

  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    This is b listing and it’s extremely rude.
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  • Sophie
    Devoted June 2020
    Sophie ·
    • Flag
    I would just explain it to them when you hand them the invitation that they should respond ASAP. They *might* be offended because it is traditionally considered improper to invite people after others have already be invited, but you know your friends better than anyone else. If you think they’d be cool with it, then go for it!
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Super November 2020
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    I think the only way to avoid them knowing they were “B-listed” is to pull the ol “invitation got lost in the mail” bit
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Rockstar October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag

    It’s probably less offensive to order new invitations with a new RSVP date on them.

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  • M
    Devoted October 2021
    Megan ·
    • Flag

    Eh, it's still generally rude, and if all of those people you B listed end up speaking with each other about their late invite, I don't think the "it got lost in the mail" excuse is going to fly.


    B listing is just saying "we like you, we just don't like you enough to include you on the original guest list." I'd just stick to your current list.

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  • April
    Dedicated January 2020
    April ·
    • Flag
    Didn't ask the question to be told b listing is rude. I frankly don't care. And you all put too much emphasis on b listing when I had never heard of anyone ever being offended of being invited to a wedding no matter the timing, especially when it's local. For added clarification, the ones being considered for late invites are coworkers (none have been invited so far) the venue is literally a block away from the office.


    For anyone who cares, the resolution, will be that I'll just tell these people personally and give them the website information, not a paper invitation.
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  • Kari
    Super May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    Most people aren't that blissfully stupid. Any late invites will likely know they are B-listed, but some will care and some won't. I think most people understand the complexities with planning weddings and realize this stuff happens. Weddings are expensive and its impossible to invite everyone; people will either be super rationale about it and not be offended at all, and just be glad you asked them anyway, even if late, or they'll be emotional about it and upset they weren't on your original list.

    Frankly, I think trying to hide the fact that they weren't on your A-list is kind of pointless. They'll figure it out, and it just makes you look sneaky. Here I think honesty is best. It's better to just say, "Hey we are having a super small wedding and some people we invited couldn't attend so we'd love for you to be there on our big day." I think that is a better done in person or over the phone than just via a late snail mail invite. If you don't try to hide it people will appreciate it. If they don't they won't come.

    I also went to a wedding once where I was a solo guest (didn't get a plus one) and the groom reached out to me a couple weeks beforehand and asked if I wanted to bring a date. Instead of adding people from a B-list, they tried to fill spots with +1s for all the single people going, and I thought that was a smart move.

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  • N
    Dedicated April 2020
    N ·
    • Flag
    I guess I have a different take. I think it’s silly that we expect couples to either budget for a huge wedding to include everyone up front ($$&dollarSmiley winking or basically guess 💯 accurately the guests who will accept and attend. We’re having a small wedding too and it’s frustrating since we have a f/b minimum we have to meet. We Wanted it between 50-60 adults (and we have to have at least 50 otherwise we’ll just pay the difference to the venue). As a friend or acquaintance of a couple I wouldn’t mind if someone told me they initially only included close friends/family but have expanded that list now for whatever reason (so long as it wasn’t last minute and had appropriate time). So I say forget etiquette and do what makes sense for you and your budget! If someone’s that offended then you probably would t want them at your big day anyway.


    I’m setting my RSVP date almost 5 weeks out and if I get a really high number of declines early on, I’ll start adding people in (mostly the truly extended family)
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  • Kari
    Super May 2020
    Kari ·
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    I had a friend reach out to me a few weeks before his wedding saying "what are you doing on this date" and invited us to his wedding. He said he would mail us an invite but never did, and I had to text him the day before and ask him what time the ceremony was because we had absolutely no information other than a day and location (about 20 minutes from our house, so not far).


    I think as long as you give anyone you invite the proper information and a reasonable timeframe to RSVP, it will be fine. The sooner you can let them know, the better, even if without a formal invitation.

    PS: I'm glad you don't give a **** about what others think about B-listing. Filling up extra spaces with additional guests makes sense, and I think there are way more rationale, practical people out there than people give credit to! People get so wrapped up in etiquette sometimes, and if you know the people you are inviting and they won't care, then what does it matter.

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  • Kari
    Super May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    We are in a similar boat. We have a spreadsheet with 116 people on it, are planning/budgeting for 80 people, plan to officially invite 86 (including 6 people who can't come, but we are inviting them out of respect anyway), and we want to hit at least 60. Our final count is due 3 weeks before the wedding, which means we'll have to send out our invites closer to 10 weeks and have a 5 week RSVP deadline so we have time to invite any "backup" guests. As long as we have 60 of our 80 RSVP "yes" then I don't plan to go into the backup numbers, but we get more "no"s then expected then we definitely want to invite some of them. I don't think any of the people on our backup list would be offended by a late invite, or to know they were our fillers when our other guests couldn't attend. It's not like we relegated anyone to the backup list who would be offended if they weren't invited.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Some people mind being B listed, and some don't. You know your co-workers. Don't give them printed invitations with an RSVP date gone by . It is better to talk to them personally, or call them, to invite them. Since there is now one month or less, that is etiquette appropriate, to give maximum notice. It is always correct to write out ( neatly) a wedding invitation by hand, on nice blank card stock. You could also go to a local printer and ask for an overnight print job of the same wording ( without RSVP date) on stock that they have, and have a lower quality maybe but still nice invitation to give them when you talk.
    Co-workers, neighbors, and church or club members are less likely to take offense, and just happily respond they can or cannot come. It is most often family, or people who think of themselves as your best friends, who are likely to get their noses out of joint because they were not invited at first. People with less emotion invested, your co-workers, may not mind at all.
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  • Sherry
    Rockstar September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag

    I personally would suggest not invite anyone else since they didn't make the cut the first time but if you feel you must do this, I would not send them an invitation at all. I would call each of them and let them know the information or just pass along your website information if everything is on there.

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  • Tanyia
    Expert February 2020
    Tanyia ·
    • Flag

    Drop them in the mail TODAY. Contact people to tell them they are coming first. You will have to follow up with them for the RSVP

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  • Tanyia
    Expert February 2020
    Tanyia ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Agreed. Who gives a *&% about an A/B list. You invite the obvious -- priority people: grands, parents, aunts, siblings... then get into the "everyone else".


    Funny story, I over invited - now I am STILL 10 people over...((ARGHHH))) but every time we get a cancellation, we cheer... Literally! LOL

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  • April
    Dedicated January 2020
    April ·
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    These are people whose addresses I don't know. In some cases i don't know their number either. But these are people I see on a weekly or daily basis. Like I said, when I see them (in some cases it'll be after the rsvp deadline of Friday because holidays) I'll talk to them personally. The Friday deadline is our own, not a vendor's.
    • Reply
  • April
    Dedicated January 2020
    April ·
    • Flag
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    I over invited by a little but still have more declines than I expected. Mostly health reasons, most of my uncles, a couple of FH's friends, and his mom can't come due to health reasons.
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  • Tanyia
    Expert February 2020
    Tanyia ·
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    Keep inviting if you like. This is not the formal era where you need to handwrite everything or follow someone else's expectation. YOU are paying for this not them. Most people are happy to come "last minute" and its about celebrating YOU, not whether or not they received an invite by hand, mail, or courier pigeon. Ugh. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super August 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    I won't add anything about b-listing, I will say this a know your crowd kind thing! If the friends laid back, they will probably not mind the short deadline. If they come across as more traditional, I would not invite them, as you don't want to offend anyone!

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  • Stephanie
    Super July 2020
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Hey April. To add a little light to this topic and to ease your mind hopefully, I am doing the same thing. We have our original list of 200 guests, once we see who declines, then we will invite the others that we had to cut off the list to stay under the 200. I personally do not call this a "B List". I never even thought of that term, I think of it as "hey I had a max of 200, FH and I have alot of friends and family and to stay in the budget we had to cut some. Once we get the RSVP's and declines, then we can add some back. Because honestly, I am paying for food for 200 people. I need to get as close to 200 as I can. So do not be discouraged. Do what works for you. F a "B-list". Make a C list, a D list and a Z list if you want to. Its YOUR wedding. Smiley heart

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  • Maria
    Super October 2019
    Maria ·
    • Flag

    I was totally against the last minute invites also but we did invite a few and THEY ALL CAME. It's definitely a know your friends/family thing. We unexpectedly had some family members who couldn't make it so we were able to invite more friends.


    I contacted one and asked what they were doing X date and if they would be interested in celebrating with us. They immediately said they would be there so I dropped their invite (just to give them all the info) in the mail and RSVP'd for them.


    Other people we invited more last minute were church family friends that I hadn't seen frequently since I moved away - they were so touched to receive an invite and I loved getting to see them. If they were offended, they wouldn't have came.


    I would just be honest about the situation. Most couples' budgets and venues restrict them from having their perfect guest list from the start and there are plenty of people who recognize that.

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