Inviting Kids to the Reception Only

@Elizabeth - taking the etiquette aspect away from it, it logistically doesn't make sense to invite kids to the longest part of the day and exclude them from the shortest part. The parents are going to have to make the choice of either not bringing their kids at all, or one or both of them skipping the ceremony to watch the kids until the reception. And again, if this was me, it wouldn't even be because I was angry or felt spiteful or thought you didn't like my kids or whatever, it would be simply because the logistics of that just don't make sense.

You're not required to invite kids to the ceremony or the reception. There are a lot of kid free weddings (ours will be kid free minus the wedding party kids). What's being suggested or questioned is the logistics of not having them at the wedding, but having them at the reception. Outside of etiquette, consider how the cousin will feel/react if you tell him/her that their kids can't come to the wedding because they're loud (or whatever excuse you come up with) but they're welcome to go to the reception. Also, imagine how your family will feel when they realize their kids weren't allowed to come, but some cousin could bring theirs.

You can have whatever wedding you'd like as long as you're willing to deal with the consequence of poorly hosting or offending your loved ones.

I've seen some rude ass kids who were very disruptive and their parents were immune to it. It happens. Someone posted a BAM about two kids who ruined her reception and pics. Remember...they licked all of the desserts, drew on the marriage license, wasn't dressed appropriately for pics and were literally dirty!

@Emily...Um yeah, that's exactly my concern, hence why I brought up a few times how small the church is. It's not for the videographer...it's for me, the one hour that marks the rest of my life. Sorry I don't want a toddler screaming at the top of her lungs because she's bored to ruin it for me.

I think I'll mention my concerns to my FMIL and allow her to handle it as she sees fit. Maybe she can suggest they sit toward the back and can politely tell the cousins if the kids begin acting up, it would be appropriate to take them outside. That's the thing, it needs to be said or they won't do it on their own. Maybe a sign at the front to ask cell phones be turned off/muted and fussy kids to kindly be taken outside?

You can rant about what you're paying all you want, but there are logistics involved here. Children are people, not phones. They cannot be turned off and left in the car for the duration of your ceremony. What are you meaning these parents to do with them during the ceremony time?

Let's say I live 30 minutes from your venue. If I want to attend your ceremony, I have to hire a sitter to come for roughly 90 minutes (drive there, ceremony, drive back). That in and of itself is challenging, as very few people want to disrupt their weekend to work a 90 minute block. But let's assume I make it happen by paying for a full afternoon of her time. I am already missing the sum total of cocktail hour just driving. Now, either I dress my son in his wedding clothes before I leave, with means that in 90 minutes time when I return he will be a creased and stained mess (toddler) or I try to corral, wash and dress him before I take him to the reception, which means I will definitely be late for dinner. Imagine I have more than one child. Imagine I have a special needs child. I am never going to make it.

Yes, it is an expensive day. Yes, it is your 'special day', if you want to call it that. But you cannot suspend the realities of parenting because you are having lawn games. What you are proposing just isn't logical.

I can insist that I am paying $30000 and I want my guests to float on the ceiling, just for one day, because it's important to me. It still isn't going to happen.

Choose which you want more. Kids at the reception playing lawn games or a child-free ceremony. Trying to have both is going to be a massive headache for your guests, and you don't want to do that to them.

As soon as you invite a single guest to a party that you are hosting, it ceases to be "your day." An invitation is extended as an honor to the guest, not as a spectator for some play you are in.

If you don't want to spend $30,000, then don't. If you do, great. But don't screw up the logistics of people's families for something that they are going out of their way to attend in the first place.

No. Not only is this rude, Think about the practicality. If the parents want to attend the ceremony, what are they supposed to do with their kids until the reception???

ETA: second Melissa. How is your family going to feel when they see all these other kids?

Another eta: as is said frequently around here, once you invite other people to something, it ceases to be all about you. It is about them too and you have to be considerate of them. Just something to think on!

Logistically it won't work.

I can tell you from experience that parents don't always have have the sense to remove crying kids. And yes Emily. Crying children, while they may not be loud enough to obscure the vows, can certainly be distracting enough that no one really can pay attention to them. And my videographers will tell you that is is not always that easy to edit out some sounds and not others.

I have had entire ceremonies derailed by small unruly kids, several times to the point where I had to stop.

I would either do a private ceremony, with just your closest family (which may not alleviate the kids issue) or go with no kids entirely. There is simply no way to invite some kids for the ceremony and others not.

This is nothing like a church service, which happens every week (and many churches have quiet rooms that every parent is familiar with. It's a once in a lifetime (ideally) event.....

You cannot invite ANYONE to part of the wedding, including children. Btw, I have been more annoyed by adults clearing their throats or chatting at weddings than children who are usually removed if they start to get noisy.

FTR, if I got an invite like this I would out and out decline. I'm not finding someone to watch my kid for a ceremony or missing a ceremony because you're selfish.

Believe me ladies, if I could elope or have a smaller wedding, I would. I have been trying to do my due diligence as a PARTNER, to be attentive to what's important to my FH, and having his family there is important to him, so I'm trying to figure out something that works for both of us.

I get it, I can't ask the parents not bring the kids to the ceremony but can bring them to the reception. I get it, I get it, I get it. Cripes. If you have thoughts on how to help my concerns about if the kids act up during the ceremony, I'm all ears.

@Celia Milton actually understanding my issue and offering constructive advice, THANK YOU!

I understand now it's not okay to include kids in one aspect and not the other. I thought of it more as, a "no kids, but you guys are special so bring them to the reception" type of thing, but yes, logically it would be difficult for the parents. A private ceremony isn't a terrible idea and I might look into it more.

Is this cousin an OOT guest? If so, let them come to the wedding, but have someone who's close enough to them to encourage them to leave if their children get loud/disruptive.

If local, have a no kids wedding and let them find a sitter.

We're talking about ONE person's kids, right?

Can you not just talk to that one person and ask that if the kids get noisy they step outside? Or have one of her own family members do that?

The more rules you make about what your guests can and can't do at your wedding the fewer people who will show up at your wedding altogether. And probably the fewer friends you'll have when it's all over with. As long as you're clear on that, do whatever you want.

@LoveLoveLove (cute name!) and @Delfina,

Yes, they are out of town and it's one person's kids. At this point taking the comments and advice into consideration, I'm leaning toward talking to FH's mom about it hoping she'd understand my concerns and willing to talk to his cousins about it.

ETA: No issue with his cousins brining their kids if they behave. I just want them to be conscientious if their kids act up/become a distraction, and step out side if/when needed.

@OP, thank you! Good luck!