Inviting Cousins?

On my mom's side I only talk to one of my cousin's n the other one I speak to here n there on facebook but I'll most likely invite her n her husband n their family. Then my mom's sister's the one I could invite but she would never come so that's one less invite n my other aunt I'll invite but never talk to her plus her husband is a odd one 🤔 Plus we never do holidays with my mom's side of the family just too much drama in one room.


On my dad's side I'll invite my aunts and then my cousin's but my one cousin I probably will not invite because her kids does sports n I've invited her to many things of mine like my baby shower my kid's birthdays n she's a "no show" so it's like why even bother with that invite plus I'm not close with her at all.

I think your having a very exclusive wedding. If your gonna do I small than do it but to be picking and choosing throughout your family is very harsh and will hurt feelings. Wedding are supposed to bring family together not separate them. You'll make the right choice for you.

View Quoted Comment Maybe I'm unpopular opinion here, but I don't believe weddings are an excuse for a family reunion with people I never talk to.


So if I invite 2 cousins, I have to invite them all? There are SO MANY of them

My dad has 8 siblings and my mom has 3. I have nearly 45 cousins. To invite all of them and all their spouses would be over 100 people. I did that the first go around 24 years ago.


I sat my parents down and told them that we want a smaller event and I will only be inviting the ones I’m close to. My dad balked a bit at first but he’s onboard now.
A wedding is not a family reunion, unless the bride and groom want it to be. Don’t feel pressured to invite anyone you don’t really want to.

View Quoted Comment I definitely didn't mean a family reunion. But it's up to you. Good luck

I hear you. My mom has 5 - FIVE - siblings, and my dad has two. When they got divorced, my mom's siblings who are very highly catholic blamed her for the failure of her marriage. As such, they kind of ignored all of us at family events except for one aunt and one uncle.


When it came to picking our guest list, we wanted to keep it small. My mom is the youngest, so most of my FIFTEEN cousins have married already and started families. So we had to pick and choose when we wanted to keep the number under 60. Will it hurt feelings? Probably, but to invite everyone could easily balloon our numbers to 80!
So far, no one has complained to me, but I haven't sent invites. I'm expecting a round of grumbles, but my mom understood not wanting to invite everyone and their five kids. I would talk to her and explain. Weddings are a landmine but stick to your guns!

View Quoted Comment Right? If I invite my mom's nieces and nephew and their spouses, it's going to look very odd when everyone knows I'm really only close with 2 cousins on my dad's side. I KNOW I would be guilt tripped into inviting the rest of my cousins on my dad's side. Which means instead of just 2 cousins and their plus ones, it's an additional 14 guests. Not making it easy to keep numbers under 60....

I'm having a small wedding as well and I'm not inviting cousins. Honestly, the best way to go is to make sure both your parents spread the word that the wedding is small and intimate, so you can't include everyone. If you want to go a little further, call your aunt and tell her the same thing--it's only for family and friends that you and FH are especially close to, and you just can't make room for everyone.

View Quoted Comment The way I figured it, I don't want people who just happen to be blood related bloating my guest list. I also excluded an aunt who excluded my FH from her son's wedding because we weren't married or engaged. For the most part, my mom hasn't talked to her siblings since her mom passed, so I invited my godmother and the one uncle i do like.


Seriously, I totally get it. Explain the numbers to her, and if she still insists you should be able to get away with inviting them and then no more. If anyone complains, say you're keeping it small for budget reasons, especially if you're paying! My FH's family is already only ten percent of the guest list, so cuts had to be made lol

I totally get supporting your mom. Why not ask her to choose... her BF, daughter, hubby (3) or her sister’s kids & spouses (5)? Let her choose who she wants to sit with. But no, you don’t have to invite all 8 if not what you want or is in your budget.

You get along well with them and like them. I, personally, would invite them. Don’t exclude them just because you’re not inviting other cousins you don’t like.

I don't think you're obligated to invite cousins just because you're cousins. I would only invite the cousins you're closest to and have a relationship with. You are so right that your wedding isn't meant to be a family reunion. Maybe it's because I'm not family-oriented at all, but they shouldn't capitalize on your wedding like that

I actually do think you need to invite the other 4 cousins on your dad’s side too... it’s hard to invite 2 out of 6 without sore feelings :/ with your mom’s family, how many of them does she want you to invite? It may be worth just adding them if it’s not too many.


I invited my grandpa’s 2 brothers, one’s wife, and one’s girlfriend. I haven’t met any of them. The married brother and his wife declined. The other brother came, and last-minute asked if he could bring his 2 adult children (haven’t met them either!) instead of his girlfriend. I just said fine because it made my grandpa happy and I didn’t have it in me to argue. Pros? Cons? Pros I guess, it made my grandpa really happy. They gave us a profoundly generous gift. Cons, It was super awkward saying “nice to meet you” at my wedding. The aunt was also the ONLY person who didn’t listen to the unplugged ceremony rule, and held her phone out right in front of the videographer. Videographer also picked up my great uncle whispering “what’s her name?” Referring to me, in the middle of our ceremony.
Still fuming a little about those things honestly lol. But, it’s whatever. It saved a lot of family upset. Sometimes it’s easier to just pick your battles.
Is your mom helping financially for the wedding at all... or is she willing to? If she really wants more of her relatives but you can’t afford it, you can maybe explain that to her and maybe she’d be willing to cover their plates.

View Quoted Comment My dad is contributing to the wedding, my mom is helping with the dress. Otherwise we're paying.


If I invite these extra guests I wasnt planning on, I would need to invite the rest of my other cousins. It's overall an extra 10 people, which is significant when we're trying to keep it around 60 guests max

View Quoted Comment Is your dad ok with 4 of his cousins being cut even though he’s paying?

View Quoted Comment Good question, I haven't brought it up to him yet. Mom knows because she was just visiting me the other week, but I haven't discussed it with anyone else because it's over a year away

View Quoted Comment Note, I HAVE asked him before if he had any requests for the guest list and he said no. I don't know if he's impartial or just assumes I'm inviting everyone

This is tough for sure. Honestly I'm the type of person that would rather deal with my mom being upset than invite people I didn't want to. I firmly believe that it is YOUR wedding and you shouldn't feel pressured to invite anyone that you genuinely do not want there.

I say invite who you originally wanted to invite. I've never understood why so many weddings often include distant relatives that mean nothing to the couple as a unit, but I have a very small family and am not super close with any of my extended family.

Our wedding is small too (60-80 guests) and of that I am inviting 4 family members and my FMIL requested 12 guests from my FH's family. We knew we wanted to keep our invite list around 80 but made sure to ask our families of required invitees prior to finalizing our number and also clarified our families contributions beforehand as well. While I think it's a bit weird to have people my FH is related to but didn't feel inclined to invite on his own, his parents are contributing enough to our wedding to more than cover the costs of those aunts, uncles, and +1s that weren't on our default list, and it would be unfair to try to limit numbers just so our family sides are more even. Still it feels very weird to purposefully keep a wedding small and then have a portion of those people be guests we didn't pick or don't know.

Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of the couple getting married. They're also really expensive. If you don't feel particularly close to certain people, I don't think you should feel any obligation to include them in your wedding (unless perhaps someone else wants to foot the bill of having them be there). It's not as if your mom will not have anyone to keep her company, and hopefully both of your parents want to be there for you, not to compete with one another.

View Quoted Comment There are two ways to look at it. Traditionally, you invite in circles, all in a circle or none. But except with extremely small families, few aunts, uncle's or cousins, the circles usually go by closeness of relationship ( method one) not by exact position in family tree, or whether family or friends (method 2.) . . . . By closeness of relationship, first you invite all immediate family you are closely in touch with, parents and step parents, siblings, grandparents of B and G. And children, grandchildren of B and G . And equally as close , very closest friends of B and G, those you regularly spend huge amounts of time with, or have known and stayed close with many, many years. . . . Next circle is family you see and invite to your home, who invite you to theirs, or their special occasions. Not just seen when both at someone else's home. Regularly in contact, and see each other at least a couple times every 3 years. This may be all of your aunts and uncles, all first cousins. Or maybe half you regularly see, and they are invited definitely. And those you see every 3-5 years, usually at other people's homes, or simply dislike, are a further circle out, with friends or co workers you don't much see, but like. Maybe invited, maybe not . This does lead to inviting some aunts and uncles, not others, some first cousins, not others, and may mean you do invite some second or third cousins, even though you do not invite some aunts and uncles or 1st cousins. But you are not capricious or arbitrary. You are inviting people closest to you, then less close, going out, til you reach capacity, or simplyly come to people where you don't really care. And do not invite them. Even if your mom or dad are close to all their family, B and G grew up, and once in 20's, will narrow the numbers of older family they see, making room for friends they see often, and care as much or more about as the relatives they are inviting . . . Other people use method two. If they are at the same position on the family tree. Invite one aunt or uncle, invite all. Invite all first cousins before any second cousin. All second cousins, before any second cousin's children, or third cousins.. . . This rarely works with even medium size families if a small wedding. Unless you want half the people at your wedding to be folks you don't give a hoot about. And leaving no space for best friends. For this OP, I think she is right to look at the size wedding, 60, and use method one: closeness of relationship. Don't invite any family you rarely see, and don't care about. It does not matter if your parents are close to them. As long as at least a few people they care about are invited, like family friends, don't worry that some aunts and uncles are in the very close circle, and invited. And others not invited, because there is little relationship. Use the space for friends. . . . Somewhat a cultural thing, my hubby and I come from large families, parents have lots of siblings, who all have at least 6 kids. Most now adults, many have large families still teens and children. Since our sisters and brothers and their spouses/SO = 42,with 45 kids when we married. And our moms and dads have 15 siblings. I will spare you the math. All our siblings, and all aunts, uncle's and their mostly grown kids, would have been over 240. Not counting those cousin's kids. Or any of our second cousins who grew up our neighbors, very close friends as well as family. . . .
To those who say, if you invite one aunt, or one first cousin, or whatever, you must invite all, the method falls apart as family sizes go up. And your budget doesn't. Or with a small wedding. So we went by closeness of relationship. 110 of the aunts, uncles, first cousins we see regularly, and feel strongly about. And 10 second cousins who are neighbors as well as family. A few families of aunts and uncles and their grown children who we rarely see, no. Sorry, but not much a part of our lives. Instead we invited friends we do see, very often. . . .I think the OP is right, for a small wedding, to go by circles of closeness of relationship feeling, not position on family tree. It does mean some sibs or cousins of parents are left out. But as long as parents have some family, and some close family friends ( or a couple of personal friends), which OP did do, I think they need to accept that now, and for all your adult life, you will see some family only at family reunions, or holidays, not weddings, baptisms, anniversaries, or other expensive functions. It is a reciprocal thing. Those family you rarely see, should not put you on their invitation lists, either. Parents at some point have to respect that .