Invited to Shower but not wedding

Cancel the shower, or just let your mom do all this on her own, by her own. You never asked for them to be in the shower in the first place. It's not about you, it's your mom trying to make herself feel important.

Thanks all for the support!! I have finally spoken to my mother and we were able to resolve the conflict calmly. She didn’t end up inviting very many people that aren’t invited to the wedding, so we will have to figure out who those people are and either speak to them privately, or just send them an invite and hope for the best.

As for the kids, she really wants to be inclusive since the wedding is not, which I understand, so I caved on the kids because it looks like most people won’t bring them anyway.

Thanks for the support and advice! I’m glad it didn’t come to us canceling the trip, as that would have had a much worse outcome.

View Quoted Comment It has always been acceptable for any woman of the family except the mother to give a shower. It is only in the last 15 years or so that people has accepted MOB giving a shower as okay. The main reason cited in old etiquette books and columns for more than 80 years ( my mom collects). is that mothers are often too close to their daughters. They tend to pressure their friends ( mom's) to give a second shower gift, in addition to a wedding gift, even though they are not friends of the bride herself. Mothers who gave showers were noted for keeping track of presents everyone gave everyone year to year, and greedily letting people know they expected people to give gifts at least equal to what parents spent on other people's children. Mothers ( not their daughters) displayed brides gifts and showed all the stuff to all friends, so everyone on knew who ponied up how much, for not just shower and wedding gifts, set out on tables like a store display. And other "vulgar displays of poor manners ". Mothers seen as simply invested too much in getting and showing off daughter's gifts, and strong arming, or dropping from usial party invitation lists ( social lacklisting) people thought not to have given enough. Of course, those social rules started when Brides to be stayed at home usually til marriage, and fewer middle and upper class women worked. And the bride's gifts were often all she had to start out with except money for household doled out by new hubby, if he had it to give.
At 38, I remember when occasionally a mother would give a shower, solo, not maybe advance money to others and be a background co-hostess. And for every 2-3 who were great, there would be a mother who would take over, against protests of the bride, and often boss around bridal party til they quit. As well as having parties mixi g people not going to the wedding, with those who were, thus socially embarrassing people in front of everyone because they brought lesser gifts. And everyone would say, see? This is why mothers should not throw showers. The family dynamics of mothers Dominating their daughters, and alienating everyone, can take months or years to get over. Interesting ly enough, it was hen it first became " maybe okay" for Mom's to hostess, if they had other front people, that average people, not just the rich, started expanding their guest lists from bride's very closest friends only, giving a shower gift at a small party, to large catered affairs costing hundreslds or thousands, with 50-80 or more invited. That is an awful large number of "very intimate friends." All being hit up for a second gift to bride, in addition to the one for the couple sent fir the wedding. . . . 3 times **** I was in bridal parties where the entire bride's side quit because of MOB behavior about the shower. Before the wedding, dresses all purchased, never came back . And a few where everyone threatened, and MOB backed off hearing her daughter was loosing all 3-6 people on her side. . . . One reason I like these boards is that they are a real view of family and friends and dynamics. And one outstanding thing never changes. At the transition from you g woman, attached to parents, to independent woman then married woman who puts new husband and family first, MOB in many, many families have few or no boundaries. They try to dominate or maintain control, and not let the next generation break free, without a fight. Also a MOG issue. And now that fewer MOB are planning or funding weddings and controlling their daughters that way, inappropriate behavior around planning, and attempts to control showers, are still a big problem . . . In our area, the only MOB not getting backlash from guests if they give a shower, are mothers with no nearby family, so no aunts, cousins grandmother's. And no other daughters, no SOB. If bride does not have a large circle of friends, or all are in jobs, have young children, then people are positive to the mother. Otherwise they get remarks like, if none of brides friends or family like her enough to have a shower, mither, who will you invite as guests. So it is sort of a test of maternal pride to back off and let others do showers, with her role limited to talking to people early on to let them know, no one has volunteered. And she will happily help, financially, or with her cooking, ir home or yard. If a bride has aunts, cousins, sisters, or friends, you will not see a mom giving a shower alone.

View Quoted Comment Interesting. In my case, my mother has always been involved and thrown showers. She just loves doing it. She also cannot give us any money towards our wedding, which she feels very bad about. So the shower was her way of contributing, but she wanted to do it all herself her own way. Any time I objected to anything she viewed it as me taking away her contribution and controlling it. All of my objections were completely valid- not wanting to invite guests that weren’t invited to the wedding, no kids, and not wanting our photo on the cake (which I didn’t really fight her on), and having my sister help with the shower.

She also has a knack for making everything about her. Since she isn’t paying for any of the wedding, I lucked out on the drama front because she can’t make a fuss about anything! Downside is I have to pay for the wedding myself.