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Beginner November 2019

Invited to Shower but not wedding

Nicole, on August 3, 2019 at 10:51 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 24

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I desperately need advice. My mother has insisted on throwing us a shower, despite objections due to guest list. She has invited a list of her friends that are not invited to the wedding. I thought this was bad form from the beginning, but she insisted on throwing the shower (especially after learning that my fiancé’s mom was throwing us a party in his home town). We are now 2 weeks away from the shower and my mother is refusing to talk to me because we did not expect children to be at the shower (guests invited to shower have over 30 between them- wedding is 60). My mother was originally understanding about the “no kids” issue until I said “we weren’t planning on having kids at the shower”. I’ve offered to get babysitters and have kids to other activities, with no avail. My mother is completely irate about the issue and refuses to even speak to me. Someone has clearly said something to her to convince her that I’m the enemy for not having children at the wedding. I feel like my only option is to cancel the shower and not go. We are flying to Illinois from NY for the shower and wedding. This is so much unnecessary drama that I just don’t want for my wedding season. How do I get my wedding back?

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24 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on August 5, 2019 at 10:56 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on August 3, 2019 at 11:01 AM
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I honestly agree with you about canceling the shower and not going. That’s what I would do. Your mom is clearly not listening to you and while I think the host of the shower should get day over most things, they shouldn’t be inviting loads of extra people who aren’t invited to the wedding, children included.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on August 3, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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I agree with Sarah. Canceling would be a good first step to taking back control of your own wedding!
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Beginner November 2019
Nicole · on August 3, 2019 at 11:11 AM
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Thank you so much for the support! It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in my views. I’m hoping it doesn’t come to canceling.
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Beginner November 2019
Nicole · on August 3, 2019 at 11:13 AM
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Thank you!! I really hope I don’t have to cancel. We are 2 weeks away from the shower.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on August 3, 2019 at 11:23 AM
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I'd be blunt at this point this point with her that if she can't be respectful of your guest list and no kids rule then you will not come. Also it is pretty and Immature to give your own daughter the silent treatment over something simple. I'm so sorry she's doing that to you, I would be so embarrassed.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on August 3, 2019 at 11:23 AM
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Petty* and immature
Autocorrect 🙄
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on August 3, 2019 at 11:44 AM
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Gah she pretty much took over the whole shower and is turning it back against you. That's immature of her. It seems like talking to her hasn't really helped but I also don't know if cancelling it would either? I like what Kelly suggested though
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VIP September 2019
Yam · on August 3, 2019 at 12:29 PM
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I’d cancel and if you’re backed into a corner about it, remind her of shower etiquette, it’s not supposed to be a family member that hosts it anyway.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on August 3, 2019 at 12:44 PM
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What do you mean it's not supposed to be a family member? Where I am it's almost always a family member??
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Beginner November 2019
Nicole · on August 3, 2019 at 1:11 PM
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Thanks Melle, Yam and Kelly. No, talking hasn’t helped because she will not respond to any texts or calls. Second, our family members always throw the showers, so I can’t use that argument. I have been completely backed into a corner and now I feel like I have to invite those that are not currently on the guest list, which already exceeds the venue limit by 78.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on August 3, 2019 at 1:50 PM
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Ancient etiquette apparently says mothers aren't supposed to host showers. I didnt know this til I was at a bridal show and my mom told me.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on August 3, 2019 at 1:54 PM
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So are there 2 issues here? The non invited people and the kids?
Honestly I'd just let the tiny tyrants come to the shower. Just to give in on something.
Tell your mom to pull an Elsa and let it go on the kids at the wedding. Not gonna happen.
As for the uninvited guests. 2 options. 1) add them to the guest list (I wouldn't recommend this option)
2) dont add them. If you're not in that area anyway, you dont have to see them. It just makes your mom look tacky and that's her problem.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on August 3, 2019 at 2:02 PM
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Odd. I've never heard of it and all the ettiquite I Googled said grooms mother or other female relatives.
Oh well 🤷
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on August 3, 2019 at 2:02 PM
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Tell your mother you're not attending a shower that goes against so much of what you're comfortable with. If she modifies things to appease you, fine. If she doesn't and you don't attend, fine.
Boundary violations must have consequences or the boundaries are just hot air.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on August 3, 2019 at 2:03 PM
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Honestly if she's not responding by a week and a half out just tell her you're not coming. If she's not on speaking terms with you I don't see why you should bother to go.
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Beginner November 2019
Nicole · on August 3, 2019 at 2:23 PM
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Yes Mandi, 2 issues here. I’m not super upset about the kids coming to the shower, it’s not that big of a deal. Her refusing to talk to me about it is the biggest issue right now. There are 30 kids between the shower guests and while I know they won’t all come, that’s a lot of kids at a shower.

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We are in 2 different states, and the shower is in the same area as the wedding, so the guests invited to the shower that are not invited to the wedding is also an issue, especially because we need 50+ people to not show up because of our venue capacity. Adding them to the wedding list creates more issues.
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VIP September 2019
Yam · on August 3, 2019 at 3:16 PM
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Someone already chimed in, yeah it’s not supposed to be a relative. Even Miss Manners back in the day spoke about it. I’m indifferent to it but if OP needed a “reason” to cancel, some people won’t argue with etiquette.
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Devoted January 2020
Laura · on August 3, 2019 at 3:28 PM
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Yeah my mom is throwing my shower. With the help of her friends and some family members. My mom is providing financially but a lil bit of everyone is helping with the shower.
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Super July 2021
Alycia · on August 3, 2019 at 4:12 PM
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Sounds like a mom powerplay. She's giving you guilt and possibly the fear that your own mom won't show up for your wedding unless you comply. She'll do this again while wedding planning if she gets away with it now.
To answer your question, "How do I get my wedding back?" You TAKE it back.
I would call her bluff. Is she really never going to speak to you again because you don't want kids at your shower? She is the one who would look like a fool. So I'd consider two options...
1. Cancel the trip altogether because it's no longer a shower celebrating your marriage. It's a party for your mom.
2. Tell her, because she wants people who are not invited to the wedding (and hoards of kids) to attend, you want to skip the "shower" and just have a potluck BBQ that isn't wedding centered. I'd be mortified at asking people to attend a shower (which implies they should bring you a gift) and not inviting them to the actual wedding. It's an insult.
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Master 0000
Judith · on August 3, 2019 at 4:18 PM
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Cancel the shower. She can explain it to her guests . It is simply too rude, and not just 1 or 2 people. If she is mad, so what. This was outrageously rude, and clearly she is not listening.
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