Invite father-in-law's girlfriend?

I think it depends on how long ago all this happened. If very recent it may be appropriate to not invite her. If it has been a while then people need to move on and deal w the fact that she is now his SO.

How long ago are we talking? Are they not adults who can't put aside their differences for one day for their son?

Your wedding is a year and a half away. Don't stress about this yet because you don't know if they will even be dating by then.

I agree with @Going - don't worry about this yet.

If nothing changes between now and then, I would invite them both (give your FMIL the option of bringing a guest) and seat them on opposite sides of the room.

He's been having the affair with the girlfriend for five years and my mother-in-law and the rest of us found out about it early this year, so pretty recent. Technically the divorce isn't even final but he's been living with the girlfriend since everyone found out. The topic came up when we started making a list of whom we wanted to invite

If they're still together, invite them both. He's the one who broke his vows, not her. If dad's invites, she should be too.

We had a similar situation. We invited the gf but I told security about her and gave them her picture (She actually caused a scene at our venue a couple months before the wedding. We got married at a resort and she went there randomly asking to use the pools because she was part of the [H last name] wedding. When they told her facilities were only for guests she went ballistic. Our coordinator called us and told us about it and that's when we decided to supply the picture). She ended up behaving fine and actually left early, which was awesome.

I'd just be the bigger person and invite her.

I agree with all pp, leave room in headcount. Then leave decision up to DH.

I would meet with her and explain why it would not be appropriate for her to join my wedding

Ummmm just because she’s a “home wrecker” doesn’t excuse your FFIL’s actions. The blame is not solely on the girlfriend and I honestly can’t think of the right word to describe you placing the entire blame on the female but that is BS and not fair to her. Your FFIL is just as guilty and, if anything, more guilty for being the one locked in a marriage during his affair. If they’re still together in a year and a half when your invites need to go out, invite both of them or neither of them. I’m assuming your FH will still want to interact with his father over the next year and a half and she will be around, it’s unfortunate he cheated on his wife but this is his new reality and it would be rude not to invite his girlfriend.

I think this is a decision for your FH to make, not for you to make.

I would put this on FH, it is really his call. I also wouldn't refer to her as a home-wrecker, that seems so dated to me. He is the one who cheated and so the responsibility for wrecking is on her. Just a thought.

@SarahD I'm not placing the entire blame on her! I would much rather not have his dad there too but like I said, I love my fiancé and I know it's important to have his dad there because that's his dad! Fine, his dad is a player, there's the equality. They both took part in something wrong. Sound better now? It's not just her fault. Is it crime to not want conflict on our day?

Allie, it may be both their fault, but the dad is a lot of things to his son, and the son may have a lot of good memories. All the GF is to the son is likely the Other Woman. Most etiquette books would say OK not to invite her. If she is invited, she can be seated in the rear. If the dad refuses to come without the GF, your DH will have to make a decision.

That's a hard one. I would probably go on the side of not inviting her, but leave the decision up to your FH. Especially with alcohol involved, and many other relatives probably very mad at FFIL for breaking up the family I wouldn't invite her at all.

Thank you Karen. That's exactly why despite everything he did, he is still his dad.

No, not a crime to desire no conflict...a tad unrealistic, maybe. Life is what it is, we can want a bubble for a day and stomp our feet all we want, that doesn't mean we can control anything.

Look, you have a year and half. It's a bit soon to be dealing with this now, and either way this is your FH's call - it's his family, and you won't endear yourself to anyone by inserting yourself in his family drama.

I think a lot can happen between now and the time you will need to send your invitations. Stressing about this now will only drive you and your FH crazy and its really not something that needs to be decided at this point. I think what other PPs have said is good, sound advice. Include her in the headcount now and revisit the issue later.

Yes. And if she’s been in his life for five years, it is doubtful she will go away before your wedding. So if they are still together, yes, if your FH would like to keep his relationship with his father, you need to invite her. Both sides will cool off in a year and a half and you never know, the gf may opt not to come because she may be embarrassed or may speak privately about it with your FFIL. I’d honestly be least concerned with her causing a scene. I would be more concerned about the ex-spouses. If she’s aware most of your family knows what happened, she will probably be the best behaved guest. After all, you did say your FH met her and “could care less” not that she’s an awful spiteful woman who hates your FMIL and is full of drama and wants to get have a conversation/argument/whatever with her. It’s a crappy situation but this is the new reality and if your FFIL ends up staying with this woman for the rest of his life, you are sure to be spending time with her because it sounds like your FH has a relationship with him. I don’t think you need to be making any decisions now. ETA - FFIL and FMIL had a messy divorce and hadn’t talked in years. They make comments about each other in separate social settings but were friendly and cordial at all points in our wedding day.

I would hold off on deciding until it's time to send out your invitations. Your FFIL's transgression may be fresh now if FMIL and the family just found out about it in the last year, but in June 2019, this will have happened over 2 years prior to your wedding, correct? It will not be as painful, FFIL and FMIL's divorce will probably be over, FMIL will have had a chance to adjust to her new normal and possibly have moved on with a boyfriend of her own, FFIL may not even be with his current girlfriend by then, etc. With your wedding so far away, you have the benefit of sitting back and watching how all of this unfolds and waiting for everyone to heal before making a decision. I'd plan for both FMIL and FFIL to have a date for headcount purposes right now. Two months before your wedding when you're sending out invitations, you'll be able to know whether to address the invitations to FFIL and his SO and FMIL and her SO, or whether to give either of then plus ones if either is single. Your FH will also have more clarity on whether the feelings toward his dad's current girlfriend have mellowed.