Invitations for a private ceremony vs. reception celebration

Just a heads up, this is called a tiered wedding and you will be told it's rude to do.

I was pretty sure a tiered wedding is when you invite people to different parts of the reception:

GROUP A gets to come for dinner

GROUP B: can come by the cake cutting

GROUP C: gets to come just for the dancing and partying part.

This is just a smaller ceremony and a larger reception, which is no different than if someone had an intimate ceremony and then a couple of months later had a big reception (which is done regularly)

Or did I not know the definition of a tiered wedding? Because I was pretty sure I was in the know etiquette-wise. (whoops if I was wrong)

Unless the intimate wedding is immediate family only, this is a tiered wedding. If it’s truly intimate and the only guests are immediate family, that’s fine.

My cousin did this, she just had her parents, siblings, ‘bridal party’ and godparents attend the actual ceremony, the rest of us just came to the reception. I’m not positive how it was done, I would assume you could have the wedding celebration invites printed for everyone and through word of mouth or a tiny card in the invite just tell ceremony specific people earlier?

View Quoted Comment Yup and immediate means parents, siblings, children, *maybe* grandparents, and significant others

It may be immediate family, but I think it's out to a certain point (like including aunts/uncles/first cousins) and then the bridal party and the rest are extended family and family friends.

Would that still be a tiered wedding? It seems like there's a specific line drawn and not just a picking and choosing of favorites.

Can someone remind me why something like that is being rude? I can understand the picking and choosing favorites would be rude, but if it's like "only out to first cousins" invited to the ceremony so that the rando family you never see because they're so distantly related and all of your parent's college friends etc.

View Quoted Comment Aunts, uncles, and cousins aren't immediate family. The plan is rude.

It’s rude because it IS picking and choosing. If you aren’t close to the other “rando family” why are you inviting them to the reception?

I’ve been to a wedding like this. The invitations said something like “Jack and Jane will be married in a private ceremony. Please join us to celebrate their marriage on...” There was no confusion and everyone showed up where they were supposed to. The ceremony was family only and no invitations were needed. They all knew about it.

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They may not be Immediate family, but in my family, we see aunts, uncles, and cousins on my mom's side just about every week, and the type of party people have maybe once every five years as a "family reunion" we do at least every year. The immediacy of family might be different with different people.

1. These previous words are not the bride's thoughts, I was just trying to explain simply, so please do not look down on my friend, the bride, for this plan.

2.It is because the parents are paying for the wedding and there's a lot of other family drama that I don't know about. It has been discussed with family and regarded as an unoffensive plan for that group of people.

I totally understand where the idea of rudeness is coming from now; however, in this particular case I believe it has been talked about within that group and the consensus is positive. Most of these peripheral people have not met her husband to be (we all live in Oregon and everyone else scattered on the East coast and Montana).

I'll let her know about the etiquette of the situation and then she'll have to make her decision. The tone of the reception (from what I've heard) is as much a family reunion as it is their wedding and although gifts are customary, they're not required and I don't think they even want a gift registry. If she decides to keep this plan, I will simply be carrying out her wishes. Etiquette is cultural, and we have regional and other microcultures involved here that should be in consideration with these kinds of questions and issues.

Thanks for all the advice, y'all have really given me a lot to think about and work with.

As others have pointed out aunts, uncles, and first cousins aren't immediate family.

It's rude to have a private ceremony when it's more than just parents, siblings, and grandparents because beyond those people, other guests would debate, "Well their cousin isn't as close as I think I am to her. Why did they get in and I didn't?" Or an aunt, uncle, or cousin might argue, "I'm family, why did they each invite a best friend to the intimate ceremony and not me?" Plus, more than just parents, siblings, and grandparents, it's no longer private. When you start to add in aunts, uncles, cousins, or the couple's closest friends, you're talking about a group that is easily larger than 20. No one would call a group larger than 20 private or intimate. They would call that a crowd. If they want to invite more than their immediate family to their ceremony they should just choose to have a smaller wedding where everyone is invited to both the ceremony and reception.

No one is going to tell the bride or the parents of the bride that what they’re doing is hurtful or rude.

Especially because the OP isn't actually the bride, I don't see why anyone should be trying to talk her out of the plan. It's simple not our problem and it's none of my business. There are two common phrasings for this:

Either:

"A and B wed on Month Day. Please join them to celebrate their marriage."

Or "A and B will be wed in a private ceremony with their families. Please join them at a celebration of their marriage."

View Quoted Comment I honestly don't think it is. My FH has a cousin doing something similar, and honestly there isn't one person in our family who minds or feels slighted. Those who aren't going to the small ceremony are still more than happy to celebrate with the couple during the larger reception. We are all open, loving, supportive people who are simply happy to celebrate with and support those we love and care about. We don't think we need to tell them how we should celebrate with them.

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Thanks Rica.

While I do appreciate the constructive advice given in this particular forum, it does seem quite silly that some people are trying to convince me. I'm not the one to convince, although given this information I can possibly advise my bride in proper etiquette and allow her to make what decision she may.

Either way I'll still need to help advise on Invitation wording.

I guess I'm confused because, like Heather, it really wouldn't bother me nor my relatives, and I believed the rude option was inviting people to the ceremony and then not hosting them at the reception.

I went to a tiered wedding once and we were all extremely unhappy (not sure how strong of words we can use here) that we were not invited to the ceremony. We wanted to see our close friend get married, even if it was to the awful woman he married who, of course, planned the whole thing.

The groom's whole group of friends were left out. We would have skipped the reception altogether but this man is like family to all of us so we went to support him.

View Quoted Comment It would bother me. Even if the ceremony was truly private, it would still bother me. The way I look at it is, if I'm not close enough to see the actual ceremony than I'm not close enough to celebrate with you afterwards. Which is fine. I really don't understand the trend of inviting everyone you've ever met to weddings. Your 3rd cousin twice removed who you haven't seen in 5 years probably doesn't want to travel out to your wedding any more than you want to invite him. You don't need to throw a huge consolation party to fit in all the people who just didn't make the cut for the actual wedding. I was actually invited to one this spring. It involves travel, expensive lodging, and my taking time off work, all which I couldn't justify for a party so I declined. I absolutely would if I was invited to her actual wedding though. That's just my personal view on it though.

My long winded reply was in response to why you're confused on why being invited to the reception only would bother some people when it doesn't bother you.