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Suzanne
Dedicated July 2021

Insensitive Family

Suzanne, on July 19, 2020 at 4:55 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 23
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Like so many brides, I made the decision to postpone my July 2020 wedding until July 2021. I sent out postponement cards 6 weeks before the wedding date because it took us a while to judge that re-opening was not going to go well enough for us to continue with the wedding we wanted. As an older bride who's been in dozens of weddings and have enthusiastically supported so many other brides, I have been devastated that it didn't work out like I had hoped. Even with the new date in 2021, I feel like I lost something in this pandemic.


Imagine my surprise when I got a baby shower invitation in the mail from my cousin for MY PREVIOUS WEDDING DATE!!!! Yes, my bad luck and devastation of a pandemic wedding date conveniently freed up a day for her baby shower. When I made the gut-wrenching decision to postpone my wedding, it was largely due to family who wouldn't be able to make it or wouldn't feel safe. She wouldn't have gone to the wedding due to her pregnancy, my grandmother was scared for her health, so I postponed. Now all those family members I are re-routed to her party. It's now her day and her gifts. My grandmother isn't worried at all about her health and safety anymore for the shower, just the thought of a wedding was scary for her.


The audacity of my cousin to then use the same frickin' date for her baby shower is rude, insensitive, and inappropriate. I know I am the one who chose to postpone my wedding, but that action was motivated out of love and concern for my family. It was not an easy decision to make. It should not have been seen as an opportunity for a different party on that day. Pregnancies are 40 weeks, could she seriously not have picked any other day? My mind is whirling- was my cousin hoping my wedding would be ruined so she could have her shower? Is she glad my wedding is postponed so that more people will go to her event? Sure she probably didn't even think it would be an issue, but seriously could no one else in my family consider my feelings and how having a family event on the same day as my wedding would be hurtful to me?


I don't expect anyone to go into mourning on my failed wedding date and I didn't hold any grudges against family for not wanting to go to a Covid wedding. But to co-opt my wedding guest list and have a family party in your own honor on my failed wedding is a new level of jerk.

23 Comments

Latest activity by Teresa, on July 28, 2020 at 5:46 PM
  • Countrydarlin2022
    Dedicated April 2022
    Countrydarlin2022 ·
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    I get your frustrated but I think you’re being really sensitive about the subject,
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  • Jessica
    Master September 2020
    Jessica ·
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    I understand how you’re feeling, and it really sucks that your family is acting like this. I’ve told myself many times over the last few months that no one is going to be as excited about our wedding as we are; when someone blows me off or is nonchalant about something they are supposed to get done, I remind myself. It’s crappy that your cousin saw this as an opportunity to have her shower on your newly vacated date, and it does seem like she could have picked another week, but she may have been thinking that most people had already planned time off and it would be more convenient for them. A shower doesn’t really seem particularly safer than a wedding, but showers are typically much smaller than weddings, so maybe that’s their reasoning.

    As our date gets closer and closer, I get more stressed that we are wrong to keep going and not postpone, so I totally get the stress and that you were trying to be responsible for everyone’s safety. I think it was really insensitive of your cousin not to talk to you directly about it, and personally I would decline the invite. If we have to postpone, FH and I will still be getting married on our date, and even if we didn’t get married we would still spend that day together just us and try to take this terrible situation and make it a little better. As much as I would love to celebrate my cousin having a baby, not on the day I was supposed to get married. Your day will come, and it will be amazing!
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I agree with this. Not to mention, showers typically have much smaller guest lists than weddings, which would make it safer.
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    Ugh. I’m so sorry! You are completely justified in feeling hurt and betrayed by those family members. I agree it was totally insensitive of them. At this point, however, there is nothing you can do to change the situation. The best thing I could suggest would be to feel your feelings, then move on. Dwelling on it will only hurt yourself. take solace in the fact that you will have your dream wedding,
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    Exactly the way you had imagined it, instead of having to accommodate masks and social distancing, or having to be worried about the health of your family members.
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  • Mrs. S
    Super November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
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    I’m really sorry that your date was postponed. I truly think that sucks so much and it’s not fair at all. I don’t think a baby shower is safe right now either but could be safer to have it in a private home with limited guests rather than a public venue with lots of people she doesn’t know. Maybe that is the grandmother’s thinking. A pregnancy lasts 40 weeks but you don’t find out til like 6, some don’t even make it all the way to 40, and having been engaged for 19.5 months that feels very short to me. As for thinking your cousin hoped your wedding would be ruined so she could have a baby shower...I really don’t think that’s the case. I would just decline and have a date night with your partner.
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  • Marcia
    Expert March 2021
    Marcia ·
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    I wouldn't go to the shower. Your cousin really should have talked to you about it and should also understand why you wouldn't want to go. I wouldn't start a family fight over it or anything, I would just decline
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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    It’s a tricky one because I totally get the sensitive feelings about your former wedding date. But at the same time, I see a lot of brides weirdly become controlling, take “ownership” of a date and actually get upset if someone chooses to have anything with in a few days/weeks of their wedding. Unfortunately that’s not how life works and people can make whatever decisions and plans that they choose. Ultimately you made the decision to postpone your wedding. So that meant that day was now completely open and free. It shouldn’t become a day of mourning or like a sacred holiday where nothing else can go on.


    However, if it is too much for you to handle, then book a weekend getaway in celebration of your former wedding date and don’t attend the baby shower.
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  • Christina
    Devoted July 2020
    Christina ·
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    I agree with this PP. I think your misplacing grief. Sadly the date is open so therefore she can do what she wants. I would go out and celebrate on your original date to cope with the loss of a wedding and mail a baby shower gift
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  • Reena
    Expert February 2021
    Reena ·
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    I’m sorry. I’m also an older bride and I would be equally hurt by this turn of events. We also postponed our July 2020 wedding to help with family safety.


    Like a PP stated I would probably do a weekend getaway with just you and your fiancé. Spend the day being happy and still try to celebrate it.
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  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
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    I get you're annoyed with this but the reality is life goes on. Just because you postponed (which was a good idea) you can't expect everyone to just keep that day as a "memorial" for what would have been your wedding day. If it's too painful, you don't have to attend the shower.

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  • Courtney
    Master December 2019
    Courtney ·
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    I have a cousin who would do the exact same thing if she had the chance.

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  • Katie
    Expert January 2021
    Katie ·
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    She probably was not even thinking about the date. A baby shower is much smaller than a wedding and also, having a baby during a pandemic is a much bigger and scarier life experience than a wedding. However stressed you are, I’d imagine she is much more. Let her enjoy her day, you’re still get yours next year.
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  • Maureen
    Devoted November 2021
    Maureen ·
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    Wow. I think it’s pretty low of your cousin. I’m on your side girl. You looked out for your family, and she swooped right in when she saw the opportunity. I understand comparing a wedding to a baby shower could be comparing apples and oranges, but it’s your same family you looked out for. I would not go to the shower if I were you
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  • Chantelle
    Devoted October 2021
    Chantelle ·
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    I get your feelings and your cousin should have spoken with you directly first (that is the most right thing she could have done). However, other than that, I think you are overreacting. You ultimately decided to postpone your wedding (which was the right thing to do), but now the day is free and people have lives to live. It shouldn’t be a day of mourning for your guests? You and they simply have a new date of celebration to look forward to. Just let your cousin have her day, babies are special too. Don’t dwell and don’t go if you’re that upset.
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  • Brenda
    Savvy October 2021
    Brenda ·
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    I feel terrible for you and honestly I don’t think you are overreacting like others mentioned above. A baby shower isn’t any safer than a wedding right now. Any gathering with people that you don’t live with is considered risky...period! Although weddings tend to have more guests than a baby shower, they are typically on larger venues that allow more room for socially distancing yourself. In my opinion anyone that felt unsafe attending your wedding should feel unsafe attending a baby shower right now.
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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    You know, I was all set to say you were overreacting when I started reading this, but after reading it I'm 100% on your side. Who tf does that?! No, your entire family shouldn't hold a "day of mourning" but holding a baby shower on your postponed wedding date is just bad taste. Yes, showers have smaller guest lists, but come on, it's still a gathering, and if it's in someone's house it's less room to spread people out. But besides that, it was your wedding date. Even if she doesn't care she should try to think about how you would feel.

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  • Maureen
    Devoted November 2021
    Maureen ·
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    100% agree with you! The fact that it's the SAME family is the real kicker!!!

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  • Jayne
    Dedicated June 2022
    Jayne ·
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    Well, if your cousin is following protocol, she isn't hosting the shower and would not have had a say in any of the planning. Just make sure your anger is being targeted in the right place.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I think you have invested too much of a feeling of ownership, And too much anger, in this. Yes, you are understandably upset at the postponement of your wedding. But to others except the groom, as soon as you changed, all good feelings about your date were transferred to your future wedding day. To everyone else, including the baby shower hosts, it is now a blank day on the calendar. We were supposed to go to 3 weddings in August this year ,2 close cousins, and the college graduation at the end of summer session that will not happen again the end of 6 years, because internships needed did not happen. I will celebrate their special days next year. And am genuinely sorry for them. But Will now do anything fun coming up on those days, as will everyone else involved. Some of whom have had deaths in their families due to Covid, lost college by moving out and still paying $30 K for the half year, lost their income if self employed and with no unemployment possible. And do not see a postponed celebration that still will at least happen later, as something to be terribly upset over, or have a do nothing day over. I don't think it is rude, insensitive or inappropriate for others to enjoy their special occasions, because yours fell through. You don't have any " if I can't have my day , then nobody can have a good day" rights to the day, and your family and friends would likely be shocked to find you think you do. Step back and don't say anything to any of them about it. Don't trash her special day because yours is postponed.
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