Storm
Savvy October 2020

In-laws

Storm, on January 14, 2020 at 9:37 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 23

So a little backstory...I live with my fiancee and his parents while we save money for a house (hopefully not much longer) and his parents gave us some money since we are paying for the wedding ourselves. They are also attempting to make some decisions about things like the food, favors, and...

So a little backstory...I live with my fiancee and his parents while we save money for a house (hopefully not much longer) and his parents gave us some money since we are paying for the wedding ourselves. They are also attempting to make some decisions about things like the food, favors, and insisted on paying for an open bar when we weren't really sure we wanted one. I feel like we have to listen to them and do what they want because I really do appreciate the money and a place to live with my fiancee, but I also really just want to plan my own wedding and do things my way without their brutally honest and (sometimes) hurtful opinions. My fiancee's sister is also my best friend and MoH so I feel like I can't even vent to her because I don't want her to think I have a problem with her parents (which I totally DO NOT, I just want to plan my wedding the way I want) What do I do at this point??

23 Comments

  • Caitlin
    Savvy October 2020
    Caitlin ·
    • Flag
    Unfortunately, everyone has opinions on how you should plan your wedding. In the end it is your special day and you should do with it what you want. Maybe use the money for a house like you mentioned in the comments instead of using it for the wedding (unless you can’t afford to). Me personally, I listen to people’s opinions but I take them to a grain of salt. I might let them pay for the open bar unless you are against drinking for personal reasons, other than that I would go along with whatever they say because in the end it is your wedding, not theirs!
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  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag

    When you accept money, they get a say. The only way to avoid it is to pay for your own wedding.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    There are a couple of ways to limit individuals drinks, fairly easily, without requiring that they pay for their own. Except in places where it is not legal for a host to buy unlimited drinks for people, cash bars are seen as not polite. A host does not have to provide every little thing a guest wants. You can have no alcohol at all, or limit things, like number of drinks and number of meals they can eat. Both are good hosting. As in your home, at a private party, you set the menu. In your home, if you serve wine and beer, people have no place asking for Courvosier. Or asking for seconds, thirds on lobster, if the host has not offered more. Hosts make a reasonable menu. Guests stay within it, unless offered more. But hosts never, ever, should expect people to have to pay for things at your private parties. Not drinks, not tips. That is traditional etiquette. And your in-laws are likely to follow that, and may think you are being saved from appearing a bad host to all of their generation, and many of ours, who follow social etiquette. And since they are offering to pick up the cost, perhaps you should accept the gift, if they will agree to a plan that fairly limits consumption. You do not want excessive drinking. And no one wants a drunk getting people hurt, or doing damage, or being so obnoxious other people leave. And no one who is a host, wants to get sued. Some people use drink tickets. Those only work if big drinkers don't get extras from those who don't drink much. So big drinkers collect 5 extra tickets, and their own, and 8 drinks later... Around the time we married, I found that a lot of independent bartenders, and many inns, started using laptops they had programmed with a spreadsheet of guest names, and hour long blocks. And every drink must be ordered from a table server at the reception, or gets their own but no one else's at the bar . So no one goes to the bar, orders 6 drinks for 3 couple, or 2 for their date and themself, but drinks 2-4 each time. As though it is a cash bar with credit cards, the name and the drink order are taken. Instead of money, the server or bartender blips the spread sheet under the hour box, with one drink. By drinker's name. Nobody gets more than 2 drinks in an hour. Sorry, sir, wait awhile and we will serve you again. And everyone is finished drinking for the night when they reach your limit. You can decide, maximum of 2 drinks at cocktails. And a total of 4 or 5 drinks maximum all night, with a 1 hour cocktails and 5 hour reception. And when they reach their limit, no matter how much money is in their pocket, no more. Some venues hate this, because they make a big profit from people getting 7-10 drinks. You need to warn people, to finish drinks and not take a couple sips and abandon. Not only a waste for the host, but if you have underage people or kids, they often go around drinking abandoned drinks while people are on the dancefloor. So the venue is not getting money from you for someone who only drinks all of 3 drinks, but has ordered 6 and only drunk sips from each. And, at the end of the night, you know exactly how many beer, wine, or cocktails, were served. They cannot tuck in an extra 85 in their count. For you, any independent bartenders, and the insurance company, having a record of who was served how much and when, means that if they have an accident and blow a .26, you as a host can make a case, you are not responsible for overserving someone, nor is the venue. They must have supplemented your drinks with nips, or a flask, or someone sneaking a bottle. Their fault if they do $10,000 damage, or hurt someone. Not yours. We live in a mountainous area in a state that does not spend much money on guardrails, but has lots of seasonal and tourist and wedding business. Rivers and ponds and curvy roads catch more drunks than the police. ... So consider a deal with parents, open bar with a pre set limit, spread sheet or other record. Which you keep for liability issues ( don't delete). And save energy for fighting for other things you care about more.
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