Soi got THIS message on Facebook messenger from my mother-in-laws sister earlier: So, what have you decided to do with your new last name once you're married? What would y'all do. I deleted the message and did NOT respond. I mentioned it to my MIL who told me not to worry about it. I told her that's really NONE of her sister's business. Yes I'm a little upset about it. I get this is his first marriage and my third, but I'm not marrying her child.
I think with so many women not changing their last name that’s now a common question. Nothing to get offended about. It’s not as though she said, “You’re taking his last name, right?” Oh yauh, then I’d be ticked.
There's really nothing offensive in her comment. She's just making conversation. She knows you're not marrying her child. That's a weird thing to say. Sounds like you can't stand this person and are looking for reason to be mad at her.
I’m sorry I don’t understand the issue with the message. It’s maybe a bit nosey but it doesn’t seem mean at all. She’s going to be part of your family so it seems fine to me that she asks questions or wants to have a conversation with you.
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But what's so offensive about asking if you're going to take your FH's last name? People asked me that all the time when I was engaged. I'm not trying to frustrate you. I genuinely don't understand
Often times people keep their exes last name because of children. I’m 61 and people ask me if I’m changing my name call yourself whatever you want but it’s a simple ask prior to marriage. She’s just being mosey. Ignore it and move on.
My FH’s step-mother used to ask me in person if I was taking his name, going to have children. But before that it was ‘you’ve been together so long what are you waiting for?’ Or ‘maybe it’s not meant to be.’ It’s annoying, especially because she’s married to his father, but she’s been a snob since I met her so that type of behavior doesn’t bother me anymore. Anyway what I’m saying is, some people are nosy, some people judge for no reason, and some people just plain suck, lol. I wouldn’t worry my dear!
Personally, I think you are overacting. It sounds like it bothers you that you've been married before, but he hasn't. His family might be concerned because this isn't your first marriage do they might be a bit protective of him.
I don’t see anything offensive about her question. But I do know depending on a person’s mood, past experience with someone, and many other factors, we can read into a written message something never intended by the sender. If it’s already public knowledge on Facebook, maybe that’s why you find it incredulous for her to ask. And I guess the way her question was written it sounded as if she was assuming you were changing your name somehow, but honestly I think she was just being nosy and making conversation.
There seems to be something here that is pushing your buttons. Why is the last name thing a sensitive subject for you? Why isn't it okay for someone to ask what you plan to do with your last name? It could have been a very innocent question. Maybe she is trying to build a relationship with you? Maybe she was getting you guys a monogrammed gift and was trying to be respectful by not assuming you are changing your name. Give people grace.
I agree with others that this doesn't seem like an offensive question to me. I had a number of people ask both pre- and post- marriage and not one gave me any grief about my decision. They were just curious.
When I was addressing wedding invites I ended up asking a lot of friends what their last names were because many of them got married the year or even several years prior and I just never asked if any changes happened.
I would definitely prefer people NOT assume I was changing my name if I wasn't planning to. I think it's actually pretty small minded to assume women are automatically changing their name these days (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with women changing their name, but the assumption shows an unwillingness to evolve).
With ANY decisions we make for ourselves, some will question and some will accept. Some will react negatively, some positively, and some not at all. We can't change anyone's reaction. It's on US to own our decisions and not become defensive when questioned.