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Heather
Dedicated June 2020

In-laws Family

Heather, on June 11, 2020 at 9:39 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 25
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Soi got THIS message on Facebook messenger from my mother-in-laws sister earlier: So, what have you decided to do with your new last name once you're married? What would y'all do. I deleted the message and did NOT respond. I mentioned it to my MIL who told me not to worry about it. I told her that's really NONE of her sister's business. Yes I'm a little upset about it. I get this is his first marriage and my third, but I'm not marrying her child.

25 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on June 13, 2020 at 6:09 PM
  • Rebecca
    Devoted September 2021
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    There’s always a chance the message wasn’t meant in a negative way-she could be looking to get a gift with the last name on it. I would probably agree with your MIL and not worry too much!
    • Reply
  • Heather
    Dedicated June 2020
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Funny thing is she's already gifted us and she's already been told. Not to mention the fact it is literally ALL over my Facebook page. It's not like I've kept it a secret.
    • Reply
  • Julie
    VIP February 2020
    Julie ·
    • Flag
    I don't understand why that even made you upset? Either I'm missing loads of background or I think you're reading way too much into a pretty common question
    • Reply
  • Heather
    Dedicated June 2020
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Seriously? I'm NOT getting married to any of her children, so there is absolutely NO reason she needs to ask this question.
    • Reply
  • B
    Dedicated October 2021
    B ·
    • Flag
    Just leave her on read if you don’t want to answer the question and keep it moving.
    • Reply
  • Brianne
    Savvy August 2020
    Brianne ·
    • Flag
    I don’t get it. What was she asking?
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    She’s probably just making conversation and not realizing it offended you? Sometimes people don’t realize the things they say could be upsetting or offensive to someone
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    I think with so many women not changing their last name that’s now a common question. Nothing to get offended about. It’s not as though she said, “You’re taking his last name, right?” Oh yauh, then I’d be ticked.
    • Reply
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    There's really nothing offensive in her comment. She's just making conversation. She knows you're not marrying her child. That's a weird thing to say. Sounds like you can't stand this person and are looking for reason to be mad at her.

    • Reply
  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry I don’t understand the issue with the message. It’s maybe a bit nosey but it doesn’t seem mean at all. She’s going to be part of your family so it seems fine to me that she asks questions or wants to have a conversation with you.
    • Reply
  • Natalie
    Expert November 2020
    Natalie ·
    • Flag
    Your husband’s aunt didn’t say or do anything wrong. I’m not quite sure where your anger and outrage is coming from.
    • Reply
  • Julie
    VIP February 2020
    Julie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    But what's so offensive about asking if you're going to take your FH's last name? People asked me that all the time when I was engaged. I'm not trying to frustrate you. I genuinely don't understand
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Super September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    I think she feels ours a dig because it's her 3rd marriage. I'd just give the answer since it's already on Facebook.
    • Reply
  • L
    Super October 2020
    Leslie ·
    • Flag

    Often times people keep their exes last name because of children. I’m 61 and people ask me if I’m changing my name call yourself whatever you want but it’s a simple ask prior to marriage. She’s just being mosey. Ignore it and move on.

    • Reply
  • Futuremrsn
    Devoted October 2020
    Futuremrsn ·
    • Flag
    My FH’s step-mother used to ask me in person if I was taking his name, going to have children. But before that it was ‘you’ve been together so long what are you waiting for?’ Or ‘maybe it’s not meant to be.’
    It’s annoying, especially because she’s married to his father, but she’s been a snob since I met her so that type of behavior doesn’t bother me anymore.
    Anyway what I’m saying is, some people are nosy, some people judge for no reason, and some people just plain suck, lol. I wouldn’t worry my dear!
    • Reply
  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    Personally, I think you are overacting. It sounds like it bothers you that you've been married before, but he hasn't. His family might be concerned because this isn't your first marriage do they might be a bit protective of him.
    • Reply
  • Anna
    VIP October 2020
    Anna ·
    • Flag
    I don’t see anything offensive about her question. But I do know depending on a person’s mood, past experience with someone, and many other factors, we can read into a written message something never intended by the sender. If it’s already public knowledge on Facebook, maybe that’s why you find it incredulous for her to ask. And I guess the way her question was written it sounded as if she was assuming you were changing your name somehow, but honestly I think she was just being nosy and making conversation.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super August 2020
    Alex ·
    • Flag

    There seems to be something here that is pushing your buttons. Why is the last name thing a sensitive subject for you? Why isn't it okay for someone to ask what you plan to do with your last name? It could have been a very innocent question. Maybe she is trying to build a relationship with you? Maybe she was getting you guys a monogrammed gift and was trying to be respectful by not assuming you are changing your name. Give people grace.

    • Reply
  • Kari
    VIP May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    I agree with others that this doesn't seem like an offensive question to me. I had a number of people ask both pre- and post- marriage and not one gave me any grief about my decision. They were just curious.

    When I was addressing wedding invites I ended up asking a lot of friends what their last names were because many of them got married the year or even several years prior and I just never asked if any changes happened.

    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    I would definitely prefer people NOT assume I was changing my name if I wasn't planning to. I think it's actually pretty small minded to assume women are automatically changing their name these days (note: I don't think there's anything wrong with women changing their name, but the assumption shows an unwillingness to evolve).

    With ANY decisions we make for ourselves, some will question and some will accept. Some will react negatively, some positively, and some not at all. We can't change anyone's reaction. It's on US to own our decisions and not become defensive when questioned.

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