Chelsea
Dedicated July 2021

In Law Issues

Chelsea, on February 18, 2020 at 4:56 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 25
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Hello,


I just simply want opinions on this matter. I have been with my FH for 11 years. Both sides of our families have been waiting for us to get married. We got engaged and we were so happy. His mom is the type to be angry at the world and start drama. We can get along but we have bumped heads. Her family is the largest out of everyone so her guest list is double the amount of everyone else. At the beginning I have asked her what she is comfortable helping pay for things as my parents arent paying for everything. So far my parents have paid for hall for ceremony/ reception, DJ, Photobooth, Planner, and Decorator. That is a bit with all the deposits. I have tried to openly bring it up with her and she likes to change the subject. I have gotten an answer "Whatever you want me to help with?, oh how much is that and changes the subject. Now so far I told her my FH and I are saving up for our photographer and she SHOCKLY gave me $100 for it. (didnt help much but still was happy to recieve something). I decided to take her to look at flowers with me and every week sense "are you booking flowers with her"? NO because I am not spending 1k on flowers. Sorry but if you want to please be my guest. She spent 1k on her other sons wedding but brides parents paid for everything.

Our boat is different and we need to figure out how much we need to get a loan out for so we can plan the rest of the wedding out. My FH brought it up last night since she asked again about flowers he asked if she would pay for them. Her response "I gave her $100"...........

Neither one of his parents seem to want to help with anything but yet want to invite the whole town and have a huge party. My FH and I are starting to argue more about this as he doesnt see it. We can not afford 250 guest with 15k... Is his mom playing games to stress me out?


HELP.. opinions

Oh I asked his dad for a guest list in August-November and still nothing! So i assumed 20 people.. Does his family just not care about us getting married?!

25 Comments

  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like you should determine your budget based on what your parents have already committed to and what you and FH can afford. Based on THAT total, you two then need to determine your total guest count and then give his parents the number they may invite. His parents are not required to pay for anything, but you are also not required to invite more people than you can afford. Especially if you are planning to take out loans to pay for the wedding, personally, I'd be very discerning about exactly how much I was spending and make sure it was on things/people that were important to my spouse and me. Good luck!

    • Reply
  • Ingrid
    Super October 2020
    Ingrid ·
    • Flag
    As hard as it is, you cant assume. Ask your FH to reach out to his dad again for a list by a certain date. If one isn't produced those are less people to worry about.
    As far as your FH's mother I would chalk it up to her not giving any more than the $100, she's already given.
    I've learned that the wedding planning process is lonely and deflating, those you thought would have your back with support fade into the background. Focus on you and your FH, plan the day you two want and let the chips fall where they may.
    • Reply
  • Chantal
    Expert May 2020
    Chantal ·
    • Flag

    Yikes, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that amidst regular wedding planning stress! She is definitely being unreasonable.

    It doesn't sound like she wants to be providing any other help with the wedding, so I wouldn't count on any more money. BUT, if that's the case, she needs to understand that the people in control of the guest list are the people who are having to pay for those guests' food and entertainment. She just needs informed that you can't afford to have that many people invited to your wedding with the amount you have to spend, and she can either contribute or cut her list.

    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I would just go back over the guest list, and give each parent a set amount of people beyond who you guys would already invite. If they want to invite more, they have to pay the price per person beyond the 15k.

    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    It is not that she does not want you two to get married rather she does not seem to have an interest in paying which is fine. I do feel you need to have your FH let her know that she does not need to pay and you do not expect money but that she cannot invite more than _ amount of people. Tell him that you two are strapped for cash and cannot afford all these people. Maybe break down the cost per head for these people to attend. Do not throw in his face how your parents have helped as he will go on the defense but let him know that they cannot provide more money and do not expect or ask for more but simply let her know that the decision has been made to keep the guest list small due to budget and you cannot afford a lot of people. I am sorry but she doesn't pay she doesn't get a say.

    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated September 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag

    I'm in a very similar situation to you in that my FMIL wants FH and I to have a big lavish wedding and invite everyone she has ever known. However FH and I (with some help from my parents) are paying for the wedding, and she isn't contributing at all even though she paid for a large share of her other two children's weddings.


    If I were you, I would plan the wedding that you can afford without their help. Even if that means politely telling her that while you would love to invite everyone on her list it isn't in the budget. It doesn't sound like she has much interest in pitching in, nor is she obligated to even if she helped pay for her other son's wedding.

    • Reply
  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
    • Flag
    My fiance and I are paying for everything. I'm sure his parents gave his brother money for his wedding, but I can't demand that from them.
    You could lower your guest list. Figure out how many people you can afford to invite, and invite no more than that.
    I'm a little biased as we are a few grand under $15k with 285 invited guests.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Absolutely this. It wasn’t proper for you to ask anyone for money but that’s done. Plan your budget based on any money you’ve already RECEIVED and what you & your fiancé can spend.


    It may be a blessing she isn’t helping. No pay, no say. Once you figure out your budget, give her the limit of guests she can invite. Do not budge. She can’t just say, oh, I’ll pay for those extra people because the cost is not just food... it’s drinks, decor, extra rentals, etc. If she has a freak out, your fiancé can suggest she host a separate reception the month after your wedding & you two can show up as guests. Then she’s welcome to do whatever she wants.
    Honestly, $15K goes fast! We spent about that on an upscale wedding for 15 guests, then another $10K+ on a local reception for 50 guests (drinks, dinner, dancing with a live band).
    • Reply
  • S
    December 2020
    Shelly ·
    • Flag

    Weddings always bring out the drama. You and FH need to take control. Only plan for the amount of $ you have. Try not to go into debt. It just isn't worth it in the grand scheme of life.

    For instance when we got married many moons ago (I am now the MOB) my parents (I am an only child) gave us a certain amount of money and said we could have a large wedding, put a down payment on a house, or use it for whatever we wanted. This was their wedding gift to us. We were young and chose to spend it on a wedding. My husband (and his twin) are the last of 11 children and his parents agreed to pay for beer and soda as their wedding gift. We made everything work within the budget with a lot of DIY projects, a reasonable venue that offered a basic buffet menu, music, and cake. The venue held a set amount of people that we divided by 3...….my relatives, his relatives, and our friends. We stood firm on the #'s. It wasn't fancy by any means, but, had fun and enjoyed our day.

    There was some drama as my parents were in the process of divorcing, his large group of older siblings had opinions about everything...….food, wedding party, hall to name a few. We just said it was our day and our decision.

    We'll be married 38 years in Aug. Looking back we should have taken the money, eloped, and banked the rest. However, at age 23 we wanted the party and it all worked out in the end.





    • Reply
  • Rachael
    Expert September 2020
    Rachael ·
    • Flag
    My parents were upfront with me from the start about how much they were going to pay. My FH mom kept making similar comments about paying for things but never gave a number. We finally had a talk with her and said we're trying to plan the budget what would you be comfortable contributing, if anything, and made sure she didn't feel pressured. It was less stressful once everything was out in the open. We didn't want to be left with surprises or stuck with a bill we assumed she'd pay.
    • Reply
  • Alejandra
    Expert November 2020
    Alejandra ·
    • Flag
    I guess what I don’t understand is why you keep askin her for money, or why you did in the first place. My FH and I planned for the wedding our budget allowed, and our parents have contributed which we are thankful for but never asked for or expected. It’s YOUR wedding, and if she wants to contribute to it she can. She is in o way obligated to, and whether or not she does is entirely up to her. And if his dad doesn’t give you a guest list, he just doesn’t get guests. And if you can’t afford the guests his mom wants, you don’t invite them.
    • Reply
  • L
    Super May 2020
    Leslie ·
    • Flag

    I personally don’t think you should go into debt for a wedding reception. But when she how do you want me to help, she may have meant support as emotional not financial. Or maybe she’s crafty and would help with a project. Your fiancé should have had a conversation with his parents about contributing financially and you with yours. If mom wants to invite great aunt sally than mom needs to put money on table. He will need to tell her I’m only inviting xx.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    It is nobody's responsibility to pay for your wedding but yours. If your family wants to help, that is a gift. If FMIL is offering a $100 gift, that is a gift too. She need not pay anything. Plan a total number of guests that you can afford with the funds you have. You should not have planned on her giving more than she has offered. If this means a great cut back in the guest list, do it. The misunderstanding seems to be yours, expecting others to pay.
    • Reply
  • Chelsea
    Dedicated July 2021
    Chelsea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Again I sat down at the beginning when we first got engaged and asked if she wanted to help with anything. Her response "Yes whatever you need me to help with" I asked how much is she comfortble with "Whatever you want me to do". NOW that we are 9 months into our engagement i asked for a guest list and she is inviting 85 people and now that we are in planning mode and i am asking for help and trying to involve her she is now backing out. Meaning YOUR guest list is now being cut because I cant afford 85 guest from just her side. Everyone else is 25 and under!

    • Reply
  • Chelsea
    Dedicated July 2021
    Chelsea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    We told each parent 40. His dad wont give me a list my parents each had 25-29. His mom has 85............

    • Reply
  • Chelsea
    Dedicated July 2021
    Chelsea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you for this! Did your FH sit down and tell her that she had to cut her list??? Like we had this conversation at the begging so that whoever is helping can invite who they want.. We got the guest list around the fall time and now that we are planning and booking and that im trying to involve her she doesn't want to help which makes me upset because I cant afford her guest list like and to have to sit down and say well sense your not helping now your list needs to be cut?!?

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    “Whatever you need me to help with” doesn’t automatically equal a financial contribution. You absolutely can ask her to cut her guest list if you can’t afford her 85 guests, but you can’t force her to help pay for your wedding.
    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated September 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    He did talk to her about it, as she was being really opinionated about EVERYTHING (including the guest list) and FH told her that we would invite a couple of the people that she asked us to, but that ultimately she didn't have a say in the guest list since she isn't contributing. It was a bit tense at first, but she has now accepted it and while she still makes her opinions about every detail very clearly known she realizes that they hold no weight in our decisions.

    I would definitely have FH discuss this with his mother, and gently but firmly tell her that while it would be nice to invite everyone on her list it just isn't in the budget, and that if she still wants them there it will cost her $X per person. If she really wants them there, she will figure out a way to make it work.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Unfortunately , you have learned the hard way, that you find out your budget, FIRST, deduct 10%, then use that figure as your planning maximum. And next, decide what kind of wedding, formality and style, particularly venue, food and beverage estimates. Then do trade-offs til you get what number of guests you can have with the type budget and style you have decided on. Then book a venue, ask for help with the guest list. Never accept general "I will help" and " tell me what you need" as unlimited figures. Count them as nothing until you get an amount, and see it if it is toward venue or any major thing. Because a parent's idea of a gift may be $100 or $1000 or 10,000. I am sorry you have had to learn the hard way. This is true of any large party, and is part of why so many bridal parties or hostesses get in serious financial binds. You always have to know where the money is coming from FIRST.
    That is a beginners mistake. It applies to buying a house, or car, or renovations, any big ticket item. You cannot count on unknown gifts or sources of income. Yes, her guest list, people she wants from her side who are not people the groom would have invited anyway, can likely be only 10-20. That is not uncommon . His mom likely thinks that with all the years you have been together, you would have saved enough for a wedding. She only planned something the size of what she gives as a wedding gift. ( We paid for our own, 15K, by working extra shifts, the whole amount we saved, since we were both at zero after paying last semesters of school the year before. Our salaried jobs were rock bottom, paid no overtime, so he worked ambulance shifts, and I worked hospital nursing, in addition to our new jobs. So I know, it is hard. )
    • Reply
  • Chelsea
    Dedicated July 2021
    Chelsea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you so much... Im just worried on his part he just doesnt seem to get it that we cant afford 250 guest because of his moms list being half.

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