JJAF
Super October 2019

In-law Dilemma

JJAF, on September 6, 2019 at 12:54 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 24
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I got married last month. My father in law and mother in law’s 30th wedding anniversary was in July and my FIL bought my MIL a diamond ring. He needs to make his final payment on it next month and requested to borrow $2,000 from husband. Thoughts? Do we enable the behavior and let them borrow $2,000 or do we let them borrow the $2,000?

We we are struggling because they graciously donated to our wedding and we don’t want to seem ungrateful but also don’t want to enable spending behaviors like this.

24 Comments

Latest activity by karen, on September 7, 2019 at 10:56 AM
  • Brae
    VIP September 2019
    Brae ·
    • Flag
    Is this a common occurrence? Are they always spending money they don't have? If my parents needed to borrow money, I would let them have it because I know them and their character. However, if they lived very irresponsibly, and I was in my current financial state (ok but not having 2k to use willy nilly), then I wouldnt. They donated to your wedding, did they fall on hard times since? Or should they have not given you money even then?
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  • FutureMrsKC
    Master January 2019
    FutureMrsKC ·
    • Flag

    If my parents needed to borrow money for certain reasons, I'd 100% let them because they have helped me plenty of times. However, on a ring? That's not a necessity, and $2,000 is a good chunk of change. I'd ultimately let your husband deliver whatever verdict you come up with. But I only lend money to family who needs it for actual reasons, such as bills and such if they're in a hard place. I'd never give my parents money for something so un-neccessary.

    I also wouldn't feel bad about them helping with the wedding. That was their choice.

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  • Jessica
    VIP June 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    Oh man, that's hard. I mean if this is a random occurrence and has never happened before, I would lend them the money and hope they pay it back. If this has happened before then I would not give them anything.

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  • M
    VIP September 2019
    Mrs. Bubba ·
    • Flag
    Don’t do it.
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    VIP September 2019
    Lauren ·
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    This! Simple. Money tears people apart. What if they never pay you back, that will always be a sore spot? Are you going to hound them about payments, no, probably not. And if you do you look like a bad person. There is no winning here. Many chain jewelers offer financing.

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  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    That’s a ton of money to be borrowing for a ring. If it was household or medical bills, I would be more understanding. If this is a common thing with them, I would not do it. If you do want to help out I would offer maybe $500.
    • Reply
  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn’t do it. It’s not like one of them needs a life saving surgery and is asking to borrow the money. This is for a gift, a gift that could have been planned out ahead of time as far as paying for it, or he could have chosen a less expensive option. This isn’t a standard I would want to start my marriage off with.
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  • JJAF
    Super October 2019
    JJAF ·
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    I believe his parents have borrowed money from him in the past and they have paid him back, but never for an amount of $2,000. I’m not sure how they manage their money but they are always eating out and send home to money in their home country, so I would say they are well off. We have the money to provide it but husband and I said this would be money we wouldn’t touch and keep in our savings for a down payment on a future home or for emergency. They donated to our wedding but haven’t fallen in hard times. Both parents still work. They have an upcoming vacation to their home country in May 2020.
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  • JJAF
    Super October 2019
    JJAF ·
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    That’s exactly how I feel but I think husband feels obliged as their son. He agrees with me though that the reason for borrowing money is ridiculous
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    VIP October 2019
    Jessica ·
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    Yes to this!! Dave Ramsey says to never let family borrow money because it destroys relationships.

    • Reply
  • Lauren
    VIP September 2019
    Lauren ·
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    Learned this the hard way. My relationship with the In-laws is all good but I am extra careful when it comes to money with them.

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  • Lauren
    VIP September 2019
    Lauren ·
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    If they have borrowed money from him before, then they are not well off. They send money back to their home country, go out to eat often, and have a pricey vacation coming up but can't pay for their own expenses? Not sound financial activity. This issue is deeper than borrowing money this one time. This will be an ongoing occurrence during your marriage if you don't sit down with FH and end this now. You are not their piggy bank.

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  • Brae
    VIP September 2019
    Brae ·
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    With all of that information, I don't understand why they would NEED the money. Especially for a ring. I think there has been a lot of good advice on this already, but every family dynamic is different so I hope you and your fh can come to an agreement that is right for you.
    • Reply
  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
    • Flag

    While I agree generally with the advice not to loan them this money, what doesn't sit right with me is when you say they "donated" to your wedding. What does that mean? Did they help pay for your wedding? And, if by doing so, they are now in a tight spot? If so, I would give them the money since really only you and your husband should have paid for your wedding. I would not loan them the money, but rather, give it to them. It is only fair since that money was used for your wedding. But after that, I would not give/loan them any more money.

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  • JJAF
    Super October 2019
    JJAF ·
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    We didn’t ask for the money. They willingly paid a portion to go towards our wedding because they requested to have many people invited to our wedding. Likewise my parents also offered to give money as well. My husband and I also paid a significant portion of our wedding.
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  • JJAF
    Super October 2019
    JJAF ·
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    Thank you. That was what didn’t sit well with me was that this wasn’t a necessity. Appreciate your input.
    • Reply
  • Alejandra
    Super March 2019
    Alejandra ·
    • Flag

    I think in an emergency situation, if you can, then yes! But for something like this, I am sorry but no. My MIL would always run to my husband when she was broke, which happened often, due to my in laws (mil, sil and fil) spending money carelessly. At first he'd tell me things like "Oh I let me my mom borrow $40 for groceries", next week "My mom needed gas so I put $20" mind you she's married and both fil and mil work as well as 23 year old sil. I started seeing that there they were asking to borrow money, and mil rarely ever paying back however, there'd always be beer and liquor at their house. And sil and mil would always be buying make up and clothes, at times almost every week. They'd hide their packages so the other would not see it, lol it was crazy and fil well money would just disappear in his hands. There were some pretty strong signs he was using something so that pretty much summed it up. I began to point out these things to my then fiance and he admitted to noticing some things but felt he should help. Eventually when the wedding came around and we had to pay all of those big bills and went on our honeymoon, etc. hubby told his family that they needed to manage their money better and that he was building a life with me so counting on him would no longer work unless there was an emergency. Thankfully things have straightened out although mil can still be pushy my man stands firm.

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  • Mary
    Expert July 2019
    Mary ·
    • Flag
    Money has ruined relationships in my extended family and was the driving factor in my parents' divorce. If you are uncomfortable with the amount, you can offer to give them less. (It's tricky and I would probably take how much they financially contributed to the wedding into consideration.) However, you and your husband should have the mindset that once you give them the money, it is gone for good. If they repay you down the road, great! But you shouldn't give more than you are okay with losing.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Super September 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    I would respond with: I'm sorry, we are saving for a home right now so money is tight.

    Your wedding is over and their donation was a gift. Gifts don't come with strings.

    If this were an actual emergency that would change my opinion, but it is not. It is frivolous.
    • Reply
  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha ·
    • Flag

    Tough situation I would give the $$$$$ but we would have a serious conversation regarding reimbursing us for said money as this money is for our starter home so we really don't have much to spare.

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