I’m struggling—blended Family

What exactly is she doing? Some attitude from a 9 year old girl should be expected. My 9 year old rolls her eyes, raises her voice, and has a huffy attitude on an hourly basis. She’s still so small I laugh at her righteous fury at times but only really discipline when she’s being super disrespectful vs. just voicing her feelings.

In my opinion if you think calling off the wedding might be the right call, you should do it now. Don’t get everything all planned and everyone excited if it isn’t what you really want. I understand it can be really hard to suddenly be around young children all the time, but W-K is right, a little bit of attitude is expected from 9 year olds, and it’s only going to get worse in her teen years. Try taking more time to yourself away from kids, even though you get along great with the boy. Go get your nails done, go for a walk, read a book in your car. Good luck in whichever you feel is the best decision

Girl, I can totally relate, although my fiancé’s daughter is now almost 20! I came into her life during her teen years and she was very territorial over her dad. It has been a long road but what helped us was couples counseling and I can HIGHLY recommend the book “Stepmonster”. It gives you a very refreshing view on being a stepmother and steps you can do to protect yourself and your marriage. Good luck. It is not easy...it never is with blended families. There will be phases of your relationship with them. Now we are friendly but there had to be very clear boundaries laid out for all parties.

View Quoted Comment 😆😆😆My daughter has been the same way since 5 and I do the same. I actually had a discussion with my children about respecting and attitudes towards their future step dad before he even proposed.

View Quoted Comment She’s always complaining about things...always! She hardly ever talks positive. Somebody will give her a compliment and she’ll roll her eyes behind their back. It’s not cute behavior at all...I guess I would consider it a mixture of disrespect and voicing her feelings...whatever it is I’m not use to it.

So as a adult who had a bad attitude as a kid from time to time. I went to therapy. That might be what she needs. It’s an outlet to talk to someone who isn’t family and isn’t gonna go and “rat” on you telling your parents exactly what you say. They can also help teach her how to deal with her emotions appropriately, but it also has to be continued at home. Punishments when she has an attitude and rewards when she controls herself and handles things appropriately. Make sure the punishments are explained. As in if she yells do not laugh say “okay I understand you’re upset but we also have rules in this house, you are not allowed to be disrespectful Just because you’re upset. So since you were disrespectful we are gonna ....take your phone/ you’re not going out/ whatever she likes.. until you can show us you can show feelings without being disrespectful” make your FH do that. If you do it then they just hate you. When the father does it it just is different. I know I hated it as a kid BUT it always made me look back and fix my issues. Therapy maybe something to talk to her dad about
hope this helps😊

Have you talked to your future husband about it? My soon to be step son was the same way. He was always out of place, in adult conversations, and never in a child’s place. I had to tell my future husband how i felt about it, we were raised differently so it didn’t bother him like it did me. But he understood what i was saying and put his son in his place. Your future husband has to be the one to correct her, if he’s not able to do so, then you have to what is best for you. Maybe she’ll grow out of it, she’s young, but she defiantly needs to be corrected before it gets her in trouble somewhere else.I agree i wouldn’t want to put up with it forever, a disrespectful child is one of my biggest pet peeves.

If you're considering calling off a wedding because of a 9 year old's behavior, I agree you should do it now. Rip off the bandaid and move on. I don't see why the behavior would improve. It will probably worsten after the marriage and with puberty. If you're not ready to be a stepmom, don't date a man with kids. 27 is a young age to be a stepmom to kids of that age. I'm not meaning to be harsh, I'm trying to be real.

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Sounds like a typical preteen. Some kids aren't always positive. If that's how her mom is, it's probably going to be her norm. Sometimes I roll my eyes when people compliment me. It's not out of disrespect, it's because of how I see myself. Maybe she has bad self esteem. If you're considering calling off the wedding bc you think a 9 year olds behavior is bad, you should do it now. Teenagers are known to be worse. It doesn't get easier. I suggest counseling. For the family, you and your FH, and yourself. Kids aren't easy, negative behavior and attitudes are part of that

Thank everyone so much for all of the advise! I truly appreciate it!

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Yeah that sounds like normal pre-teen behavior, unfortunately. It's a mixture of hormones, taught behavior, and insecurity. The times it crosses into destructive behavior such as calling other people names or a poor internal dialogue would be when it's not normal. I would definitely suggest some counseling if it's interfering with her day to day relationships but if it's not and she's just a sour child, there's not much you can do. She'll probably grow out of it in about 10 years. For sure talk to your FH about how you're feeling, though. Being a parent of a teen doesn't get easier especially when you're not the bio parent.

It honestly sounds like typical pre-teen behavior, and teenage years tend to get a little worse before they get better. I would suggest sitting down with FH and having a discussion of what behaviors you expect when you’re married so you can both be on the same page with her. But in the end, she is his daughter, and it’s you who will have to adhere to enforcing the rules he sets and agrees on, not the other way around. If he sees no problem with her behavior, there won’t be much you can do about it without seeming like the bad guy. If that’s a deal breaker for you, I would have that discussion sooner rather than later.

My daughter is 2 and she can be a manipulative little you know what, because people keep telling her she’s the cutest little girl in the world and she’s figured out how to use it to her advantage. From being a pre-teen and teenage girl, and seeing other teenagers, I’ve found that the difficult years are what makes it easier to let the kid “fly the nest” when it’s time for them to step out on their own and go to college or move out and get a job. It sounds like she’s just gotten a head start. I was a jerk when I was a kid, and very difficult to deal with. I never did anything illegal, or disruptive, but i has an attitude for sure. I had a war going on with one of my teachers in 6th-8th grade. I honestly have no idea how they didn’t kick me through a window or something.

Pre-teen girls can have attitude, it comes with the package. Girls can be really mean, and she might be feeling I secure because of things that are happening at school or over at her mom’s house (assuming she goes over there). She might need an outlet for someone to talk to, talk to her dad perhaps suggest counseling.

Whatever you you decide to do, best of luck.

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To be 100% honest you may want to call it off. It doesn't seem like step parent life is for you. Please do not take offence to this its just if you would be willing to call the wedding off 3 months out because the 9 year old is being a sassy 9 year old like they are what are you going to do in a few years when she starts rebelling as a teenager.... I am a mother my FH is a great step dad (as I am sure you are a great step mom) but there has to be a certain level of patience observed with kids of that age. I get your not use to it but if its not something you can get use to I wouldn't insert yourselves any further into these childrens lives as that could be detrimental. I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this but she sounds like an average 9 year old...

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This exactly.

When you marry someone with a child, you’re marring the child as well. If I were you, I would call off the wedding. No way in h-e- double hockey sticks would I marry a man who dismisses his child’s disrespectful behavior, now would I want to be a bonus mom to a child like that.
According to statistics, Bended families are difficult on a marriage. About 40 percent of first marriages -- and 60 percent of second marriages -- end in divorce. When both spouses have children from a previous marriage, the divorce rate is 70 percent.

I’m laughing at all the comments saying this is “normal behavior” lol! I wouldn’t dare treat an adult like this, especially in my parents’ presence. This is only “normal” when parents tolerate that nonsense.

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Not sure if you have kids or not but it really is normal. The preteen years is when they really start testing boundaries and it doesn't stop. A typical 9 year old will have an attitude, some more than others. It's actually quite healthy to allow them to express their feelings. Not allowing to do so can lead to them internalizing what's going on with them leading to mental health problems down the line. This is why counseling can help at this age because it helps teach them how to express those feelings in a productive way. But, think about it, really. As an adult we will often express ourselves when we're upset with a situation or have an attitude around people we don't enjoy being around and no one usually chastises us for it. I don't know why we expect kids to act any different.

View Quoted Comment There is a difference between having an attitude and being disrespectful. I’m happy that my parents didn’t tolerate disrespect. I was allowed to voice my opinion and explain why I was upset. What wasn’t tolerated, was eye rolling at adults, gossiping and displaying a negative attitude when someone gave me a genuine compliment. My parents didn’t beat me. They simply explained why the behavior was unacceptable, why it was embarrassing to them and what consequences would happen later. I shaped up quickly and expressed my feelings in a respectful manner and guess what?! I noticed that adults responded a lot better and my goal was achieved verses when I was disrespectful to them. So no, I have to disagree with you: not tolerating a child’s disrespectful behavior will not cause mental health problems.

Ummm, you definitely came from a different community than me. Having an OBVIOUS attitude because you’re around around someone you don’t like (excluding traumatic situations, such as where the person raped you, murdered one of your family members) will get you chastised where I come from. The correct behavior to display to those you don’t want to be around is to smile, say hello, then sit or stand next to people you actually like, or at least tolerate.

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Perhaps you had a strong bond with your parents and they could correct you in that way. When it comes to dealing with children who are from blended families, more often than not, they're going to have less of an attachment bond to their parents and be less receptive to correction. And even less receptive to the step parent coming in, especially if it's after the age of 6 years old. In my extensive experience as a social worker kids that age having an attitude is normal and overly correcting it is a huge sign of emotional abuse.