Akirah
Dedicated October 2019

I’m not changing my last name!

Akirah, on July 21, 2019 at 9:43 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 32
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I’m not taking my FH’s last name. We aren’t even married yet, but his mom got us a card recently and she wrote my last name as his. Him and I had a laugh over this...what an assumption! At any rate, I guess I’ll have to tell her and other family members that my last name isn’t changing after the wedding. I’m sure how to broach this and I’m even less sure how she may react, as FH’s parents are fairly conservative. Does anyone have any experience with this?

32 Comments

Latest activity by Akirah, on July 23, 2019 at 12:11 PM
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
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    My mother in law just asked me and I told her no. She just said okay and seemed a bit puzzled. I'm expecting more problems once my fiance announces he's changing his. 🤣
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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    That’s awesome!!!!!
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  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
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    In general, I recommend having your FI talk to his family, and you talk to yours. He can present it in such a way that it's obvious he is fine with your choice, whereas if you talk with them, it looks more like he's not on board. (Of course, it shouldn't be up to him, anyway, but in dealing with conservative relatives, it makes it easier.)

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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    That makes a lot of sense and I feel silly that I never really thought about doing it that way. Thanks!!!! In regards to other wedding guests, is this something that gets spread thru the grapevine?
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  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
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    Pretty much. We used return address labels on our thank you notes that included our separate names, e.g., Susan Smith and John Jones.

    Unfortunately, it is a conversation you'll have to have repeatedly with some people, though. If they call you by his name, introduce you by his name, address letters to you by his name, etc., you just need to politely say, "Oh, we kept our separate last names." (I prefer that to, "I didn't change my name," which suggests that it was up to you rather than him to change it if a change were going to be made.)

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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    So helpful! Thank you!!!!!
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  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Ah yeah I get asked this too. I just say no, I'd like to keep my name as is aha and that's it. I don't really delve into it anymore.
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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    Have you experienced any negative reactions? I think your point is a good one; I don’t have to justify this decision to anyone.
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  • Autumn
    Savvy November 2019
    Autumn ·
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    I am personally choosing to hyphenate. The reason being because we have a daughter together and she has our last names hyphenated. My FH is also planning to hyphenate his last name to include mine. I didn’t ask him to do it, but I do appreciate that he is. My last name means a lot to me so I couldn’t imagine not carrying it anymore. It has been brought up by his parents and I’m thrilled to tell them that our names will be hyphenated. I love making people uncomfortable when they’re so completely set in their ways.
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  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
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    My favorite actually was when a partner in my firm asked belligerently, "So why don't you and your [then] husband have the same last name?" I said cheerfully, "He chose to keep his name when we got married." Partner was left speechless, so I didn't have to discuss it any more.

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  • Heather
    Savvy April 2022
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    We'll be doing the return address labels with both names clearly separate for sure, and we're going to have the officiant end the ceremony by asking the guests to join him in congratulating "Ms. [My full name] and Mr. [His full name]." The DJ will announce us at the reception in a similar way. Hoping that gets the point across to most people! For pre-wedding assumptions that we are aligning are last names, we plan on just correcting those individuals as it comes up.
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  • Marlena
    Expert June 2020
    Marlena ·
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    I'm not changing my last name legally (to bug a headache lol) but socially I may hyphenate it.
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  • Marlena
    Expert June 2020
    Marlena ·
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    *big not bug
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  • Heather
    Savvy April 2022
    Heather ·
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    *our last names, not are 🤦‍♀️
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  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I did opt to change my name after a lot of back and forth. Our DJ asked us how we would like to be announced so that's a good way to make it clear to your wedding guests. I mostly wanted to comment that most likely people will assume just because that's the more traditional norm (although it has been slowly shifting). My parents have been married for over 30 years, and my mom didn't change her name. People always assume she has my dad's last name, and she sometimes politely corrects them or just let's it go depending on the situation.

    It's no one's decision but yours. If someone is offended or taken aback, that is their problem to contend with, and there is nothing extra you have to do, regardless of if it's a relative or a friend or a complete stranger.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    My MIL asked me after we got engaged, I said, "no," and she said "good girl". (She kept her own name, too.)

    I think your FH just needs to gently correct his mother, and then make a point of putting both your names on return addresses and such like that.

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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    That’s a good point about return addresses. I will be sure to do that, even though both of our names are a little on the longer side. 🤣

    Maybe we’ll invest in address stickers!
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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    This is great! My FH made a comment before about hyphenation. Perhaps him and I should return to that conversation.
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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    So fragile, huh? 🤣🤣🤣
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  • Akirah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Akirah ·
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    Tell me more about the social change! Like, on social media and among friends in conversation? I’m trying to better picture what that means.
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