as a bridesmaid.
Back story my best friend of 20+ years is getting married. Unfortunately when she got engaged I was dealing with a lot of residual family death, miscarriage, depression, and relationship issues. I couldn't really be there the way I wanted and I needed to focus on staying attached to this rock. Also I was a barrel full of sadness and poison and I didn't think that a special time in life should be sullied with that, she unfortunately assumed I was jealous.
Fast forward at some point in these two years she started wedding planning (she didn't do anything for year and when asked by others said she wanted to wake up and everything just be done). I'm doing better and we've talked about that dark time. She was very silent on the MOH situation, considering I'm not her only best friend I didn't care or plan to be MOH, it wasn't that I didn't want to be so, but I also wasn't about to be upset if I wasn't...I only cared about being there at all. Well. She lied about it, to me anyway, not sure what anyone else was told because I'm not close to anyone else, we all know of each other but we don't have interpersonal relationships (except a few of us due to time and school). I was told there would be no MOH and her cousin would just help send out message and keep everyone organized, that is until her cousin told us all the truth in group text. For a few weeks I didn't even respond because of the shock and anger I felt. It wasn't the choice, it was the active choice to not only lie to me but then think I was too stupid to figure it out. I learned later all the folks I was defending her choices to (such as no MOH, the way the bridal party was formed and so on) figured out she was lying to me and allowing me repeat these things to others happily. Our hair stylist figured out she was lying to me, she didn't say anything until I knew myself without her. (Our moms, us and another friends mom all go to the same woman, she's hearing all the truth and piecing it together)
We talked. She claimed it wasn't so and clarified the conversation. Whether I though it was bull or not I at least accepted that maybe in being overwhelmed (apparently there were wide spread issues among the bridal party about the way she included us, but again I haven't spoken to anyone else so that could just be another lie. She did say that some people fought with her about it) she did not fully explain her plans. I focused solely on the communication about our actual roles, her real plans, and what she really wanted in terms of expectations. And her concerns about the interactions of the bridal party and getting along (I was given reasons why the other best friend couldn't be a MOH either). The way the planning has been going, maybe I'm just extremely independent. Her cousin/MOH expected that the whole bridal party was paying for the events, in fact we weren't asked, we were told. Actually all the cost was put on us and I think it was kind of obvious that everyone seemed surprised it was just expected and that really it was her role to deal with that.
I've tried to help, which she's in school (and mostly why I was trying) and met with usually a I can barely even deal with what I have to do myself. But then we get messages from the MOH about how stressed and worried she is. There's an ongoing issue with the date that I am trying to ignore and now my SO is aggravating it, and her and I have had a long history of issues during this time of the year. Which have all been expressed and emphasized. I've even made comments when it was initially up for consideration. On it's face it sounds petty but after several thousand years of the only thing that's ever mattered to me I would hope my friend would give a slight care about it. I've learned about some other untruths not related to the wedding but enough that I'm really questioning her issues and why I'm even participating.
I, to a degree feel like maybe we can figure it out (including the passage of time), but I'm seriously just over it right now. Some things like the date will never be resolved and will be an issue until the day I die. There's nothing I can do, or even should, or want to do but now that lens on her has forever changed, and it's really the meaning. It's not even the date, but at a certain point you know what is important to the important ones and you go by it. I'm trying to understand, but it's all just so off. And there is always an excuse. At what point do you just say I messed up and I'm sorry and I can't change it but I just recognize how it makes you feel, and I'll try not to do that to you again. I just think she's been a jerk often in my life and I've had to be a jerk back to make a point, but I feel like that whole experience is the ultimate jerk (and really there is family she has issues with, i never understood, but I'm starting to, which is really I think upsetting me the most). I don't want to miss her wedding, but I just don't think any of her actions lately are worth it and it's aggravating things from the past that really have upset me but I've just moved on. I think it may be best if I just step down, I don't know how to do that without starting trouble and had I known the truth I might not have agreed. By trouble she'll assume that there is something wrong in the group chat, someone said something to me, or I'm jealous. Honestly I just think that being a bridesmaid represents something I don't think our friendship is right now, like two-sided, and I'm tired of taking the L for everything all the time. I used to think we were balanced, but maybe not.
