I need to vent! Stressed out by parents

I agree with Care Bear on everything! lol

FMIL is helping out with $10k, so I think in that case she does want to have some say...I'm going to leave that battle to the FI for now! He said he's going to take care of it lol. I'm not gonna care how he does it.

I was very stressed out yesterday, but I think I feel a bit better now...another phone call with the parentals tonight and I'll update if they have anything new to stress me out.

I would just do a DW with just you and FH and elope.

One word for you.... ELOPE boo :-)

Hi,

My condolences. You shouldn't have to go through this to plan a wedding.

My family and my wife's family are located all over the U.S (NY to FL to AZ), and some in other countries. Since we could not please everyone (we had only one ceremony) we decided ours would be in Virginia Beach, Va.

There are tons of hotels, venues and entertainment for family members in N. Va just as there is in NYC. If you go to NYC, everyone who attends will pay higher prices for hotels, food and then there is the traffic........ (which is more expensive for your guests, N. Va. or NYC). How many guests will be late due to traffic? All? Your FMIL want it in NYC for her convenience? What about your 120 guests? Can they all afford to go to NYC? This is your wedding. Have your wedding where you want to.

We paid for the entire wedding ourselves with little help from family and our guests still showed up. Even family from AZ, NV, NY, FL and in between. She'll show up in N. Va. for the wedding, even if she is contributing $10k...

My suggestion, do what works best for YOU and your future husband. You will NOT be able to please everyone (I assure you). Make the best decisions based on YOUR and your future husbands finances and abilities. Your money, your choice. If they complain, let them complain.

Don't drown yourself in debt just to please a few people. It isn’t worth it.

Lastly I agree with Care Bear. It’s manipulation plain and simple.

You could elope and have a reception in each country. That would be cheaper, and easier.

I can't even imagine - I really have nothing more to say that the other ladies did, but I hope it all works out for you.

Sorry you are going through this. I wish you all the best and hope that you and FH will make the best decision for YOU!

I'm about to explode once again. Talked to my mom and she is even more controlling. She kept saying, "I'm just giving you advice, but you would do it if you respect us." I mentioned I want to do buffet instead of a Chinese banquet, and she was pissed. She wanted a specific area because she said she will be carrying lots of gold jewelry so she wants it as close to home as possible. I know the real reason is that the area she wants is fancier and she wants to show off to her friends. I said I can just put them in our honeymoon suite's safe, and she had nothing to say after that. I told her since we are paying I need to look for places that would fit my budget. And I told her to stop manipulating me by telling me she's giving me 'advice' when she's trying to make the decision for me.

She flat out told me this is not about you, it's about the family. At that point I just lost it and said we can't talk anymore tonight. Bye.

I apologize that I brought up elopement previously. But that's not really what I want or an option either. I'm simply stressed and I have a feeling they will end up getting what they want...

The only way they're going to get what they want is if you let them. Put your foot down. They will get over it if you don't do it their way. However you will never get over not having the wedding you want.

This is really sad for me to read . This is supposed to be the happiest time in your life I am so sorry that you are being pulled in a million directions and feeling like you have to please everyone. I don't really know much about Chinese customs/Chinese weddings but it seems a bit ridiculous that your parents are expecting you to pay for all of this stuff that they are demanding. Do what fits with your wants, and of course your budget. The wedding is supposed to be about you and your FH, not trying to show off for your parent's friends. I hope they come to realize that and support you. Good luck and hang in there!

Oh this would really piss me off. You're definitely going to have to put your foot down with your parents. You're paying for your own wedding and they still expect your gift money?! Nope! You are really just going to have to tell them how silly they sound and if having a wedding over there is going to be this difficult, then you won't have any problem buying a house before your ONLY wedding in the US!

Also I would explain to FMIL That y'all have friends that you want to celebrate with that won't be able to travel so you really want to have it close to you. What can she say to that? "No y'all can't have your friends there because I want my friends there??" Oh my gosh if she says that, I'd be done!! Lol

What kind of wedding do YOU and FH want? Do you just want one wedding in VA? Then do that!!!!!

Do you even want a wedding in HK? I can't imagine trying to plan two weddings simultaneously, one from the other side of the world with super-meddlesome parents.

I'm not going to suggest eloping. I am suggested ONE wedding, where YOU and FH want to have it!!!

You have to stand up for yourselves, plain and simple. Do not have wedding regret! I understand acquiescing to an easy request of a parent. No big deal.....but something like location and venue are big items.

My grandmother wanted to hear the first few bars of Wagner's Wedding March, and that is not what I wanted to walk down the aisle to. But that's a simple request for me to please grandma with. She didn't demand I have the wedding at a venue I couldn't afford!

Abby, I do want a wedding in HK as well, since I grew up there and all my childhood friends are there. Some of my college friends also moved to Asia after graduating, and they might make the short trip to HK as well for my wedding.

My FH doesn't really care about the HK wedding since he has no family/friends there. I am hoping to have a casual wedding there, and therefore buffet was an option for me. I do want a decent venue though. Location wise, it's not a huge factor to me, just somewhere in the city.

I can tell that the reputation of the location (kind of like doing it in Manhattan vs Brooklyn) is most important to my parents. Second comes the food...and they want Chinese food. None of these are what I really care about. I can already tell their comeback to every objection I have would be, we raised you and paid for your college (which I'm grateful for), and now you're going to disrespect us like this? It's a very Chinese mentality.

No monetary contribution = no say in what YOU AND FH want to do

If they insist you don't respect them, insist that they don't love you.

Elope! You don't need the stress. I do firmly believe a wedding is ALL about the bride and groom and doing what you want not what everyone else wants or expects. Stand your ground and do what is best for you even if others aren't happy.

Hi love,

So very sorry to hear of all of this manipulation, from BOTH sides of the families.

I also came from a very strict and disciplined background. Breaking the mold that was created for me was beyond anyone's imagination. I'm almost 30, and actually just starting to grow into my own skin. My husband encouraged me a lot, helped me to see a side of myself that I ignored for so long. I was very insecure (still working on it), afraid to displease anyone. But I learned to value myself more, because I fed off of my husband's strength and started looking at myself from his perspective. It was a huge growth period for me.

It's been a long time, but I used to get manipulated a lot, especially by my mother. That no longer happens. She no longer has a choice but to respect me or I don't give her the time of day. Mind you, I would walk on water for my parents, aunts, uncles, etc. That level of respect has shifted a bit though. I still love and respect them. Now they love AND respect me.

You don't sound like you're ready to rock the boat with your parents or FH's mom. My advice to you, today, would be to look at yourself through your future husband's eyes. Think of how you want him to see you, and act on those instincts. The rest of your life is about the both of you. If your parents decide to jump ship because they can no longer manipulate you and how you live your life, just remember that you don't have to be anyone's puppet to deserve love and respect from ANYONE.

I don't know if I just rambled off. If I did, my apologies, I just feel for you. xoxo