I need to vent! Stressed out by parents

3. I share an apartment with a roommate right now. Dad would like us to buy a place before he comes to the wedding, so he can stay comfortably in a house when he visits. I told him we can't afford that, with all the wedding expenses. He told us to just borrow money from my FILs. He thinks they're loaded, but they're really not!!! FI also doesn't feel comfortable borrowing money from his parents. My dad thinks if I care about them I would do it. His reasoning is that when I come home I have a place to stay, so I should do the same for them.

4. I really do not want a traditional Chinese wedding. I realized that in most Chinese weddings, the emphasis focuses on both sides of family "showing face," through the 2 hr long tea ceremony when the bride and groom bows to every single family member, and receive gaudy gold jewelry that I'd never wear in my life. The bride and groom barely get to eat or enjoy themselves during the wedding. Oh, and there's no dancing in Chinese weddings. It became apparent to me that I'll have no choice but to have a Chinese wedding, or else I would be deemed the disrespectful daughter by the rest of the family.

I just want to elope at this point!!!!

I'm Chinese and I've never heard of the parents keeping the money. I know there is an elaborate gift exchange in the Chinese culture between the groom's family and the bride's family... BUT STILL!!! We're paying for our own wedding, too. I wouldn't allow my parents to invite 20-30 of their friends unless I knew them too. It sounds like they are UBER traditional or somehow feel like they are being shafted by the whole marriage deal??? Is there an aunt or something you can ask for advice regarding the cultural part? I'm 3/4 gen Canadian so I'm not very good with some of the nuiances.

As for your FMIL... Maybe you can compromise somehow? Do it outside NYC but still closer to them or something.

Elope and go away on one hell of a honeymoon. Sounds like if you have a wedding it will not be YOUR wedding or YALLS wedding but the wedding either your family or his family wants. Elope and add a small Chinese custom in it to show your respect to your family. Remember the day is just about declaring your love to each other, I think a lot of people loose this thought once a wedding is in planning and it becomes all about the wedding itself and not the vow.

Ps. we are not doing a traditional Chinese wedding, either. We're only doing 1/2 a tea ceremony (only I'm serving tea to my family since FH's family is Scottish). Can't you have dancing at your US wedding?

I get what Felicia is saying but Wedding to some people is also about family, not just ME ME ME! I think with traditional families, there is a definite balance if you don't want to be disowned.

Wow. I normally wouldn't say this, but I think it's time for you to elope. Sounds like there is no way to make everyone happy without going completely broke. It appears that these weddings are for everyone but you and your FH. Sure, the parents will be angry for a little while, but hopefully they would get over it.

I feel bad for you but I agree Elope. Everyone is making demands forgetting it's your day to become one with you FH.

Your wedding is for you. I understand not wanting to upset your family and I tried for years to be the perfect daughter and finally one day I realized if they truly loved me they would be in my life no matter what. Not one person from my family is coming to my wedding and I have finally gotten to the point where that's just fine with me. you need to live your life for you and like my FH always says I might have lost my family but I am gaining his to take their place. hope this helps.

Hi Date Twin! We are twins in so many other ways... I also have a Chinese background and my parents and future in-laws also used manipulation to tried to get what they want.

I want to address some points:

1) In response to your #1 - "(FMIL) She said we would do it if we're respectful to her." First off this is manipulation. My parents used to do that to me all the time and in combination with guilt. You can either explain to her that you really can't for practical reasons and that in no way this mean you don't respect her etc.... OR you can turn the manipulation back on her and said: "if you love us you would let us have the wedding we want". If she insist you don't respect her, insist she doesn't love you guys. By the way your FH should be doing all the fighting when it comes to his parents and vice versa for you and your parents. I don't know your FMIL so I don't know which method would work on her.

2) In response to your #2. This is ABSOLUTE BS, I am very familiar with Chinese customs. First off it is customary for the parents to PAY for the wedding and secondly it is customary for the bride and groom to KEEP all the money coming in from the guests. It is seen as helping the new couple start on the right foot! With this being said, I am not having my parents pay for my wedding because I didn't want to deal with the BS. By the way it is also customary (I don't agree with this just giving you a heads up) for your FH/his family to give a dowry to your parents to "purchase" you. I will say it again I don't agree with it and think it is quite barbaric.

3) In response to your #3 - "My dad thinks if I care about them I would do it." Please refer to my two methods mentioned in my #1. Your dad is being manipulative in my opinion.

4) You do have a choice in having or not having a Chinese style wedding. You shouldn't care if they think you are disrespectful or not. At some point you have to say I am fed up with them and I want to live my life my way despite of their disapproval. I did and I am a happier person for that.

If you really want to elope then you should elope but make sure it is what you really want. I just don't want you to regret it later on that you didn't have your wedding.

I always feel bad when a bride thinks eloping is her only option if she is going to avoid huge family drama over the wedding. It would different if you wanted to elope, but I'm not convinced that's how you envisioned your wedding.

I looked up some traditional Chinese wedding customs, and I did see a few things about money being given to the bride's parents, although your father may be talking about a modernized version of the "bride price". However, that's supposed to come from the groom's family (not your mother's friends), and it is given to the parents of the bride (money usually given in red envelopes). It gets better, traditionally, the bride's price is also to include a house (rental is acceptable) and a car. But, then there's the dowry, which is to be paid by the bride's family so that the couple can set up their home. It sounds like they're picking and choosing traditions, but my knowledge is limited to online sources, not real life.

As for the house they'd like you to buy...umm, no. If you do stay at their house when you go home, maybe you should start visiting them, but staying in a hotel. That's what I'd offer them -- a hotel room (and I'm not even sure why you should pick up the tab on that)

I'm not sure why your parents believe they have authority to tell you that you must have a traditional Chinese wedding. They want to absorb part of your gifts, are not contributing to your wedding, and they're suggesting that you buy a house before the wedding so they can be comfortable. There is another culture involved here, and your parents should understand that. I think it would be terrific to incorporate the Chinese culture by using various elements that have the most meaning to you (and some that will honor your parents), but that's a call for you and FH to make.

The Caribbean is beautiful this time of year (just saying).....

This wedding sounds like it sounds to your FILs and your parents. Not only do you sound less than thrilled with the locations chosen for you, but the planning as well. I agree with Ashleigh when I say this, but I say just take the money that you would have spent on the wedding and use it to take one EPIC honeymoon!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Both families are making it all about them when it is about you and your fiance. It bs. They had their weddings. They need to step aside and let you have yours. They are invited guests and they don't even have to be that if they keep behaving in this reprehensible manner.

Im just getting into the wedding thing.

I think that is so nice that you are catering to both families by having 2 weddings.

I feel like you already and I don't plan to get married until 05/2016. I'm learning early that parents can definetly stress you out during this time and tell you how things should be done the "right" way. Also, how your fiancé should be doing this and he should do that. Just bossy.

I just want you to remember, that this is you and your fiancé's day and time. It is all about you. You are the ones that should be accommodated and made comfortable. You know your finances and what you can handle. Do it your way. When family loves you, they forgive, get over it.

DO NOT let them stress you out or tell you how to do your wedding especially if they are not helping financially.

Thanks for the support everyone! I felt so much better after venting it out.

No, I don't really want to elope. It's just that all of this BS is stressing me out and I just want to be married already!

For my dad, he's basing a lot of what he's doing to what he did when he got married. He thinks that if he could do it, I should too. It's hard to make much of my decisions for my HK wedding since I'm not there, so my parents are stepping in and helping me out on this. But I'm realizing the more I ask them to help out, the more control they want to take!

To my parents, my wedding is an opportunity to show my gratefulness towards them for raising me to adulthood...That's why much of the ceremony is to pay them respects. If I don't follow traditions, they take it that I don't respect them, and I don't want the family drama that could come along. I'm just glad that they're not taking much control over my U.S. wedding...hopefully FI can win the fight with FMIL in terms of location.

If you don't really want to elope then you shouldn't do it.

In regard to your comment "gratefulness towards them for raising me to adulthood", I completely understand what you are going thru. My parents made me feel like such a burden growing up. The Chinese culture is awful that way especially when it comes to girls. My grandma even went as far as saying "why can't you grow a penis" when I was a little girl.

OK, I am totally mutt-American, so I really cannot fathom the cultural issues, here, which will soon be evident, when I say "Elope-- start your own frickin' life, ditch these people, and just be happy with your DH.'

Again, this is clearly not a culturally sensitive remark, but you asked for my opinion....

Good luck!

I would tell both sides of the family tough sh*t since you and FH are paying for it, it's 100% your say and way with the wedding.

Elope, this sounds way to stressfull and complicated. I wouldn't have the patience and would have cussed everybody out by now.

@ Riki, haha LOL.

Ahhhhh! I'm sorry you are going thru this!

I see where you are coming from regarding the NYC vs VA/MD area. But I think since the HK wedding is for your side, you should consider doing NYC or atleast NJ area for your FH side of the family. Is your FMIL helping to pay? If not, then have it in VA/MD then.

As for your parents inviting 20-30 plus, tell them you can't afford it. IF they want to invite that many people they will have to pay for them otherwise just give them a limit on how many they can invite.

As for your dad, just book them a hotel room so they are comfortable. He can't possibly expect you to pay for wedding and a house at the same time. But if he does, just say you can't do it and no you can't borrow from FIL same way they aren't helping with the wedding financially.

I think I'm heated for you. Esp with the monetary gifts going to your parents when they aren't even helping out.

HUGGGGS!