i need opinions with showers!!!!!!

Wow that’s a lot of pre wedding events - is it because your family and your grooms family are in different states ?

That seems like a lot of parties, is she hosting all of them? We had an engagement party and planned a shower until Covid messed it up. I would think an r-rated shower and lingerie party would be easily combined into one event- not sure why they would be separate. If you’re not comfortable with all of it, I would discuss it with my fiancé and as a united front tell her what we decided. I’m sure she’s excited for you two.

When it is because you have friends or family in a couple of separate places, it is more common to have these separate showers, than for people to travel, or miss it. This assumes someone in each area volunteers to host a shower, of course. For people wanting to host a shower, it is fine to say, Auntie or BM or friend and I would like to host a shower for ( # they have space and money for) in our area. And for someone in the other area to volunteer for that. Sometimes, these split on lines not having to do with area alone. Bride's family and hometown friends might be invited to one. Groom's family may have a meet the bride shower, including people who do not know her at all. Usually people contribute to one gift if they do not know her, then a few regular gifts.
And peers of the bride from school, work, may have a separate shower from the family or hometown. All fine as long as a host or a few agree to do each area. Otherwise, those who do volunteer for tgeir home area or family or friends, do as they have planned. But no one does an area uncovered. What shoud not happen: A friend of mine growing up had a mother and aunt so out of touch with ettiquette that they planned 3 showers, and wanted to do all 3 so no one anywhere would miss the chance to give a gift. No. No organized management to sweep up gifts. No one except the bride and sometimes her mother is invited to more than one shower. But if multiple hostesses in different areas each want to do a small shower, it is fine. Small showers can be far less expensive to run, fitting in a home, yard, or free venue ( park), and with home cooking, and low cost for drinks, compared to a venue which usually costs 4-6X as much per guest.
I have only heard of multiple engagement parties, a non-gift giving celebration, in 2 cases, both common. One or both given by a family, in their area. Or, one given by an older couple well established, a dinner party plus, to formally announce their engagement to friends, co-workers. While one of the families has an all family one.OR, what used to be so common it was covered in etiquette books, for a long engagement. One party to announce the engagement, not limited to who is invited to the wedding ( and no gifts.) And 3-5 or whatever years later, when they have started serious wedding planning, at or less than a year, a party given usually by parents or a family friend, inviting only those on the guest list for the wedding. ( No gifts.) The two allowed because everyone should be able to share engagement excitement. And by the time the actual wedding planning comes around years later, half or most all of their friends, living location, and jobs may have changed. ...... If Mom is suggesting the separate parties because she wishes to help host one in her area, this is great. Let other people know what she has offered to do. Likely, someone will offer for another area or family shower. She may work with someone in your wedding party, or a non-wedding party friend of yours ( not hers), and call people to ask who might like to co-host.

That's a LOT.

As the "guest of honor" - if you do not want them, then they do not happen. (She can even try, but if you're not willing, it's rude of her to do so. And you can conveniently be busy every weekend. Or sick.)

Absolutely none of these are required. We skipped the engagement party, had a co-ed shower (my mother *tried* to make it a lingerie shower, even after being told no... so that was awkward for her), and had small bachelor/bachelorette (not at all R-rated) parties. Because, like you, we're low-key.

You and your FH need to sit down with her and make it very clear that you will not be attending these events, you do not want them, and if she attempts to throw them, you will walk out of the party. (You don't need to be that drastic, but you get the idea.)

Draw the boundaries now, or she'll ignore any you try to put up.

That is alot! They are all strictly optional too. Etiquette says mothers of the couple are not supposed to host the showers since it comes across as gift-grabby. Engagement parties are common in some areas and unheard of in others. It is very common for various groups (coworkers, fellow church members, book club members, etc etc) to host their own showers even if they are not invited to the wedding because they want to celebrate with you and that is perfectly acceptable.

It's ok to have a shower in one location for those local (who are invited to the wedding) and someone else throw a party for you in another location because they want to celebrate. Some of these can be combined. A lingerie shower can be part of a bachelorette party (and very odd that the parents are planning to host it).

One single person hosting all of these, especially if they are the mother of the bride or groom, is greedy on their part and you have a right to decline attending.

That’s a loooooot. You don’t have to do any of these, although it is very sweet of your FMIL to want to throw those for you.

I feel it also depends on what you want. Ive never heard of a lingerie party that's link to a bride that maybe can be considered a bachalorette party...it sounds like alot but its up to you

That's a lot. We did have multiple showers, but that is because my bridesmaid threw me one, then my MIL threw one in my wife's hometown and my mom's best friend threw one where I am from (none of the same guests). But I really don't understand the need for multiple engagement parties or a separate lingerie shower. I think one engagement party is sufficient and just incorporating the lingerie into an already planned shower is fine.

That's too much in my opinion. But then again I am not a spotlight person. I do much better in low key, relaxed things (I'm already panicking about the wedding day...to add all these other things would drive me over the edge). Additionally, I feel really awkward about the thought of people buying me lingerie. I would much rather pick my own stuff out. One of my MoH wanted to throw me a "Panties and Pearls" party...but I quickly told her I would feel uncomfortable about that and she happily changed it to a "Brunch and Bubbly" shower. I also think it is kind of strange that your mother is wanting to host all of these in all of the different locations...but that's just me. In my circle it is customary to have 1 shower (maybe 2) and 1 bachelorette party.

View Quoted Comment Yes. Ga & Fl. So not very far apart