i lost my moh

I can’t imagine kicking my best friend out of my wedding because of the way they looked, but relationships are more important to me than aesthetics. Some people have different priorities I suppose, but I think you overreacted.

I kind of agree with you and this will be a hotly contested opinion. Being part of a wedding party means supporting the bride. Like wear what she asks you and don’t be a beezy about it. It’s your wedding. Whenever I’ve been a bridesmaid if the bride wanted me to wear certain earrings, shoes, hairstyles I wouldn’t even bat an eye. For my wedding my wedding party has been so easy going and keep saying that it’s my wedding and they will do whatever I ask. Not that I ask of a lot, but it is nice to have full support from my friends. Sorry you had to go through that.

View Quoted Comment It was really more of a respect issue. We have had our battles through our relationship and I always backed down. But this is one day for me and my fiancé and she hasn’t acted like she wanted to be apart of it anyways. I get where you’re coming from.

View Quoted Comment Yeah I was really trying not to ask much of any of them. I didn’t want to turn into a bridezilla but even the other bridesmaids asked me why she was making everything so difficult. She had to pick her dress and she had to pick the shoes and she wanted to do her make up and hair every though I was paying for it.
It’s an extremely sad time for me right now.

I can see what you mean by saying it’s just one day you’re asking for but I also think it is what it is - that’s how they want to look. So it is kind of sad to see a friendship being broken for something like that

I Would Rather have A MOH With Red Hair & Keep My Best Friend Then Lose Both Over Something Like That.

I think you were wrong here. This obviously isn’t the first time she’s colored/done something different to her hair so why should she have to change who she is for you? That’s what you’re asking but you think it’s acceptable to do that just because you’re getting married. I wouldn’t continue being friends with someone who didn’t accept me for who I was (tattoos and hair color/cut included).

I don’t think you were in the wrong here and I don’t think you overreacted. You were asking for one day for your friend to come through for you. She could have honored this one request and then went and did what she wanted to do after the wedding. I hope you don’t let some of the words these people will say on your post get to you because they can be harsh. You did what was best for you and in the end that’s all that matters.

I think it would be different if she had already been wearing her hair that way and you made her dye it natural just for your wedding - that would have been unfair. But asking her to just wait a month or so for your wedding to be over shouldn't have turned into this big problem. It sounds to me like she went through with dying her hair because she cares more about herself than she cares about you and your wedding. I would be hurt if I were you. However, I think I would also just let it go if you want to maintain the friendship. You just have to decide if you want to keep her as a friend. I do not think she did this to hurt you, she was just thinking about herself and what she wanted more than she was thinking about you.

Sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else!

View Quoted Comment I appreciate your kind words. She changed her whole look right before the wedding, After I asked her to hold off. She has kind of been a pain through the whole process. She didn’t come to the dress fitting for the bridesmaids. She wanted her own dress and a different color and was just really demanding on how she wanted to be different than everyone else. She didn’t seem interested in helping with anything or planning a shower or a bachelorette party. I just feel like I was robbed of that experience.

I also have stretched ears, red hair and tattoos! LOL. To start, I'm very grateful to have 2 best friends who are both my MOH's, and they literally run EVERYTHING by me. Their shoes, their makeup, their hair - which is great, but I literally couldn't care less about any of that. I do think maybe you overreacted in a sense because the hair color on your MOH shouldn't effect anything. But I also think she could have been more considerate of you just asking her to wait because I see your reasoning behind that too. I will say I don't think either of you were as understanding as you could have been with each other. After all, she was your MOH.

It doesn't seem like you two were really best friends forever, which is sad, but it happens. Sounds like you are both better off without the other in her life.

Its a tough position to be in and im sorry you are experiencing this. I can see both ways. I would have also asked my moh/bm to wait for the wedding before going crazy w a new look thats super drastic and unconventional especially if its only a month away. Your MOH/BFF should have took you into consideration especially since you are the bride. Not that our weddings are priority over everything in other ppls lives but my BMs have been accommodating and are so easy going they always say they will do whatever I want and whatever they are needed for they will do. Im a really chill person so I dont ask much of them. 2 of my BMs asked if I want them to cover up their tattoos for the wedding i said No Of Course Not!! One of my bm still wanted to because she felt her tattoos weren’t appropriate for a wedding and wanted to cover them w makeup lol. Her tattoos aren’t even bad lol so i told her no.


You said that shes been pretty difficult and not interested in helping you throughout the wedding process and the one time that you actually stand up for yourself and asked a simple request she completely ran you over. It sounds like ur friend is really focused on herself and she hasn’t stopped to take u into consideration. Maybe this has been her personality all along and you are just now realizing it. Sounds like she threw out that she shouldn’t be in the wedding our of spite and pettiness. I think the only thing you should have changed is not cutting her from the wedding. I know you waited a few days to tell her but maybe you should have waited a little longer and talked it over first and if there was no way to reconcile then you could ask her to step down. I would reach out to her if i were you. Maybe theres some underlying issues you didn’t know were there. At least try to understand each others thoughts and feelings

I personally dont think you overreacted at all. I think she could have waited to dye her hair, but i think she may went through with it to spite you asking her not to. I personally wouldn't have kicked her out if the wedding for it, but i very much understand where you are coming from. Is there any way talk this out with her and save the friendship and still have her attend as a guest

So? Let her have fire engine red hair. If you worry about what your best friend looks like then you have other issues. You said you loved her for who she is, and this is who she is.

I completely agree with the MOH. It is her body, and no one should be telling her what she should do with her hair or pierced ears or anything else. If bride reversed things, and she was the Maid of honor, her friend the bride, would she shave the sides, dye her hair blue or red, and put gauges in her ears, all to be like her friend the bride wanted? I guess no. As the bride, she wants to dictate things, but if she were the MOH she would not do what she did not want, be ause her friend asked. That is why the custom has always been that the bride may choose the dress, clothing, and nothing else. It has never been up to the bride to control anything but BO clothes. She controls decorations, food, the whole program . But has no control over guests beyond who they are, or family. She does not even pick their clothes.
I don't know where people have gotten this Queen for a day idea, besides TV and movies. Which are out for drama. But no one is obliged to change in any way, except wear the right dress. If you choose someone because they are your friend, they are no less your friend with red hair and tattooed fingers. I really think it is the bride who has overstepped her bounds. And not in a nice way. I am sure when her former friend explains things, their opinion of the bride will not be good ones. I have been to lots of weddings with non- conforming members of the wedding. My BM decided to do her Sandy hair blue to go with her blue green gown. I left a wedding, as did the other dark haired woman, when the bride wanted all blond ponytails. The bride's idea of what looked good. And every member of the bride's side except her sister quit when another wanted all to get short cuts and perms to go with her Great Gatsby theme . And when she relented after 3 weeks, none of us went back, or to her wedding, because we all thought she was arrogant and self involved, not the side of her we knew.

View Quoted Comment I haven’t dictated anything. I simply asked her to hold of on changing everything about her until after the wedding. I didn’t ask her to color her hair a more tame color, I didn’t ask her to cover her tattoos, I didn’t ask her to change anything about her. I trusted her an my best friend to honor my simple request for a day. But thanks for your opinion

View Quoted Comment Planning a shower or a bachelorette is not a MOH or BM job. Any female relative or friend, close enough to be invited to the wedding, , may throw a shower or a bachelorette, whether they are. In the wedding party or not, if they volunteer to do so. Because MOH are chosen from the people closest of all, it is fairly common that the MOH will volunteer. But you had no more reason to expect it of her, than of an aunt, or your grandmother, or other friends. That is long standing tradition. And planning a wedding is the job of the bride and groom. Others can help if they want, but MOH is not anty way "supposed to.". Bachelorettes were not even commonly held, until the TV show, then reality show, set off a trend. Most had 1 party, either a shower (gifts) or a bridal luncheon or tea ( no gifts), or a last day out with friends. Just as men get one party thrown by close family or friends who volunteer to do it. But it is no more Best Man's job than the groom's brother's, or a close friend you did not ask to stand up with you who cannot even come to your wedding may organize one. People who follow TV and movies and media dreams and dramas often seem to have little idea that standing up with someone is supposed to be an honor, not a job. And any help in planning, or throwing a party, is not and should not be expected. TV started this, bridesmaids and MOH are bride's team and should be willing to do anything for the bride stuff. In the real world, until reality TV and celebrity weddings , no one thought brides shown just get every little thing they want. It has never been true. And the notion goes against every traditional rule of etiquette. Bride's and groom's and having a ceremony of their choice, and often a reception to celebrate. That stuff is up to them. But no bride has the right to expect others to set their looks ( except clothes) or expect gifts. I have done a shower for every wedding party I have been in, except when I was in the army, somewhere well over seventy. . And I have volunteered to give, or help, with twice as many more that I was not in. Because often those in a wedding party don't have the time, or money, or interest in doing it. I am against these things. But brides who have unfair or unrealistic expectations set themselves up for disappointment, and loss of friends. It is generally considered bad manners to EXPECt any one person to do any little of big thing you want them to. People who do, have always been labelled as selfish by friends, and wedding day is no different. People need to stop believing TV and Celebrity behavior is a model for their own conduct. Or expect to lose their closest friends, at important moments, throughout their lives. Many a marriage or relationship falls apart, break up or divorce, because one person thinks their boyfriend or spouse should cater to everything they want. That is immature social skills, not real adult society rules. And it is always sad when friendships or SO are list because one person sees themselves as having the right to expect others people to do every thing they want. Not usually, not on your birthday, not on your wedding day, or shower day, or shopping day. One sided expectations of friends don't work, any day. Not unless you are Queen or Dictator.
After the wedding, you likely have lost one person you cared about, and a lot of others will think you treated a mutual friend badly, just because you did not get your way. Will you think it was worth it? I have a feeling our differences of opinion on this have a lot to do with my being 38 and you , younger, although I may be wrong.
Lots more milles on me in all situations, and experience with others in all kinds of situations does make a difference. But before wedding day, think of how you feel about other people who think they are the center of the universe, ever. And realize people are there to celebrate with you, not do things for you, or do everything your way. Except those you hire, servants, and any models or actresses you are paying by the hour or day to project the image you want, and do everything you want. But don't expect it of friends or family. Or expect to lose the respect and affection of those people. Someone here said, your girls should do every little thing for you. Only in TV land. Most people won't tolerate that behavior for long. Read a few more postings. See how many brides on WW are having WP and family troubles, because one person expects everything their way. Most MOB or FMIL troubles come from ones who think they have some right to have everything their way. And it does not work. Everyone needs boundaries for their own behavior, and to keep others from encroaching on their lives with unreasonable expectations. Saying it or implying that someone else's looks are not up to your standards is not a way to keep friends. In etiquette, it is classic bad manners, nothing else.

View Quoted Comment I see how you got really off topic. That’s okay. If you knew our relationship you may understand better. But I don’t expect you to. Have a nice day

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I am sorry you are feeling that way! Not everyone has the same expectations for what the MOH and bridesmaids are responsible for. There are a lot of different opinions about there about wedding etiquette. Still, I think it is pretty universally accepted that a bride can dictate the dress. A lot of people on this site will tell you that she, as your MOH, is only responsible for buying her dress and showing up on time the day of and that you can't expect help with a shower or bachelorette. That's a load of BS though of course - show me one person who wouldn't be hurt by their MOH showing a lack of interest. If she is your best friend, she should be supporting you and excited for you. To me, it sounds like your MOH just steps to the beat of her own drum and accommodating people is not really her style. Could you let the other bridesmaids take more control over the planning and day-of help? Could you let your MOH be there for the wedding, but do not indulge her every need/request and have your bridesmaids ready to step in if she tried to create drama?