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June 2021

i had to uninvite my own mother from my wedding today

Dj Tanner, on February 28, 2020 at 12:53 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 30

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So basically I just had to uninvite my own mother to my wedding today. Everything was so wonderful and I was so excited to share my wedding with my mom. My mom was so excited about this wedding and she was looking forward to buying my gown and also was going to buy all of my bridesmaids and maid of honor’s gowns as well and was over the moon as much as I was about my wedding. The excitement we shared was magical. Well this all changed last night. The issue is not so much with her as it is with her husband......

My mother and my father got divorced after 23 years of marriage. My mom then remarried a TOTAL CREEP 8 years ago. Throughout my moms marriage my mom has had many issues with him including him touching my, at the time, 25 year old sisters butt and making inappropriate sexual comments towards me and also other family members saying he’s made comments towards them too. Because of the first initial issue with my sister and my sister filing a police report my mother n sisters relationship has been extremely tarnished to say the least. My mom refuses to leave him. He has even made sexual comments towards me and made other girls feel uncomfortable AT MY SISTERS HUSBANDS FUNERAL! (My BIL passed away from cancer). We have all confronted my mom about this and my mom initially always acts like she is going to leave him and will not tolerate that behavior but then she never leaves him and makes up excuses saying that my sister was over exaggerating what happened and telling me “that’s just how he talks”. I stopped talking to my mom for a while because of this. Since I got engaged I wanted my mom involved as who wouldn’t want their mother to be a part of their wedding day. I figured because we had all called him out on it that maybe things were changed and I could at least deal with him for the sake of my wedding and wanting my mom to be there. Last night was the final straw....My FH and I went to my moms to talk about the wedding. Her husband was there and of course he started drinking. I was talking to my mom about getting in shape and toned up for the wedding and he overheard, and felt the need to say to my FH that he likes my a** and that I have a nice big a**, in the most disgusting tone you can even imagine. My mom then said “what?!, don’t say things like that!” As my mom knew right then n there this was going to open up a whole world of crap. My FH would NEVER let anyone talk like this about me n knows how my moms husband is but my FH was just so in shock he didn’t even know what to say he just sat there in silent and looked at my mom like are you serious kind of look. My moms husband then left for the night and I started crying. My mom said what’s wrong. I looked at her and said “If anyone thinks they are going to pull this crap to me or any other females at my wedding there will be hell to pay, and you will never see me or my future children ever. She said “ everything will be fine at your wedding” and totally brushed it off as if I was overreacting. I then left her house upset and my FH and I met up with my bridesmaid aka best friend and her boyfriend and the 4 of us talked about it. We have decided that it’s not okay to just let this go because the thought of him doing something to me or someone on my wedding day is obviously not worth having my mom there which led us to the harsh conclusion that it is time for me to cut off my mom completely. I told my mom through text that my FH and I have decided to change our wedding to a friends only wedding only(except my father will be walking me down the aisle and basically all of my other family members will be attending from my fathers side but I haven’t told her this) and I said we will have a separate celebration for family only at a restaurant sometime. She then sends me a text back playing dumb saying she is confused by this sudden change of wedding plans and is very sad about this change and “ hopes it wasn’t because of anything that was said at her house last night,” but that she respects my choices and still wishes to buy my gown and my bridesmaids gowns even if she can’t be at my wedding. What do I even do at this point?! I’m going to be so embarrassed when my FHs family asks where my mom is on my wedding day, and WHAT THE HELL WILL I EVEN SAY TO THEM WHEN THEY ASK WHY MY MOM ISNT THERE?! I’m humiliated to say the least but I also cannot take the risk of any of my females at the wedding running the risk if having an incident with my mothers husband. I WOULD RATHER HAVE NO WEDDING THAN PUT ANY WOMAN IN THAT SITUATION. Please help.

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30 Comments

Latest activity by Dj Tanner, on March 3, 2020 at 10:41 AM

Super October 2020
Leslie · on February 28, 2020 at 2:04 AM
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He’s creepy. Trust your gut. If anyone asks, just say my mother’s husband has issues and she wouldn’t come without hm. I’d pay for my own dress and just not include her any longer.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 2:15 AM
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Thank you for this suggestion on what I should say. This seems like the best answer to give. As mortifying as it is I have to just do it.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 2:18 AM
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And yes I plan on paying for my own dress. My mother’s long standing tactic has always been resolving things with money. I don’t want/need a cent from her and will never accept anything from her ever again.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on February 28, 2020 at 3:12 AM
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You are totally in the right, here. You do not feel safe around him, have expressed this numerous times, and nothing changes.
My mother declined to come to the wedding over our invitations not including her name, so I understand your pain. For me, it was more relief, because our relationship was very strained my whole life, but ... it still is very weird to have a living mother not at your wedding. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on that relationship, to a toxic degree.
*hugs* You are not alone. You are right to put your safety first.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 3:55 AM
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♥️Thank you. I’ve been losing sleep over this(hence my response at 3:45AM right now). I’m sorry you had to go through this with your mom too. I was also never close with my mother either which is why it hurts that much more because her and I were actually talking every day and sharing this excitement since I told her I was engaged. Its all shattered now. I don’t even know how I can tell my dad. I’m probably just gonna have my FH n me talk to my brother first.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 3:57 AM
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How did you handle people questioning you why she wasn’t there? Like you Husbands side?
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Expert October 2020
Onya · on February 28, 2020 at 4:28 AM
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Dealing with this as well...my mother is homophobic and transphobic. She doesn’t agree that I’m pansexual but feels she is “winning” because I’m marrying a man. She makes me feel so uncomfortable every time she says something homophobic because she doesn’t realize she’s talking about me blatantly. I️ am currently not talking to her but feel I️ will have to be the one to initiate the whole change of wedding plans conversation. We were going to have it in Vegas at her community clubhouse but now we’ve changed the plans. My fiancé has been so supportive throughout everything. I️ say All this to say you are not alone. I️ hate That we can’t be blessed with mother’s that support us 100%. You would of thought my sexuality was equivalent to murder. 🙄 Also I️ refuse For her to make any of my guests uncomfortable. There are gay and bisexual people that will be in attendance and even a gay couple. I️ honestly Don’t know what to do because I️ love Her. I️ just Can’t believe she’s acting this way.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 4:49 AM
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I am so sorry you have to go through this too right now♥️. And I can totally relate! Another worry I initially had about my mothers husband attending my wedding before all this happened last night is that one of my very close friends is gay and I was fearful that he was going to make a comment to him at my wedding and I would have been so sick if that happened and upset I mentioned it to my mom to tell him to please be respectful. I actually had a conversation with my friend to basically warn him. He already was aware of how my moms husband was and said don’t even worry about any of that to me n he said he doesn’t care what comments he might make cause he already expected it from him. None of us should have to deal with this.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 28, 2020 at 4:54 AM
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I am so sorry you have to deal with that and that is upsetting. Would you have your mom only able not the stepfather at the wedding?
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Expert October 2020
Onya · on February 28, 2020 at 5:00 AM
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I️m so overwhelmed. Disappointed in my mom. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. Surprisingly my dad has been so amazing dealing with everything. He and my mom aren’t together. They split up many many years ago. I️ was shocked initially because I️ thought he’d act the same way as her. But he didn’t. He gave me so much strength on that day. (This all happened 2 days ago.) I️ will eventually talk to her about it but she seems set in her ways.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 5:08 AM
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Yes, that’s wonderful that your dad is so supportive♥️. My dad is a wonderful respectful man too and he is basically still in love with my mom and although he hates her husband he tries to keep the peace because he feels that it’s important for my mother to be in my nieces life.
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Expert October 2020
Onya · on February 28, 2020 at 5:11 AM
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I️ really Wish they could see it through our eyes.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 5:29 AM
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I wish this was possible but due to similar issues in the past I know how she is and will demand to bring him. For example, my sister did not want him at her husbands funeral. My mother threw a big fit and my sister gave in. Welp, sure enough he made comments to me, and 2 of my BILs cousins and felt the need to give them a little-too close-for-comfort hug. He didn’t even really know my BILs side of the family that well. He’s just a total predator. Keep in mind, these 2 girls had NO IDEA about all the prior drama and issues with my moms husband. I say this because when my sister confronted my mom about it my mom said she thinks they were just saying that for attention and because they “knew about the previous issue”. But they had no clue about any of it. Also one of my BILs cousins was only 17 at the time. We were all devastated over the death of my BIL. Those 2 girls are shy, quiet, they do well in school, they’re not gossipy troublemakers or drama queens and most of all would never say that just to get attention at his funeral. I wish I could just have my mom there but I know she would show up with him or throw a fit which is why I’m sort of not even trying to push the idea on just inviting her even though I want to.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 28, 2020 at 6:31 AM
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I really am sorry for your situation especially because it seems like your mother is putting her husband over other people which if things don't go well in that relationship she's going to burn a lot of bridges. I agree to maybe not say anything until after the wedding because at that point what is done is done and I agree that your wedding day should be a happy wine and you shouldn't have to worry about someone that makes you uncomfortable or you wearing is he going to make other people uncomfortable. It is very sad that he just does not realize how inappropriate he is an young or older a lot of women don't appreciate men that act like that. I'm sending positive vibes your way and praying that the rest of your wedding planning goes smoothly and that you are very happy.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 6:46 AM
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♥️ ThankYou
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on February 28, 2020 at 8:10 AM
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Oh wow, I am so sorry you are going through these toxic situations during your wedding planning. It sounds like you’ve made multiple attempts with your mother though, and given the current situation I feel like you have definitely made the right decision to not have that toxicity at your wedding. It is unfortunate your mother won’t be there, but it sounds like you will have a great group of people there to support you on your big day! To be honest, I doubt people on the groom’s side will ask you directly about your mother’ attendance – more likely your father’s side of the family to ask. I think people would recognize if a bride’s mother is not in attendance at her wedding, it is not something you should ask her directly about. If anyone asks though, I would just quickly brush it off with a wave of the hand and a nonchalant “oh, last minute stuff came up with her husband”, or something equally as vague. People generally understand that vague comments mean I don’t want to talk about & will not press further.
I hope you do not allow the lack of her presence to take away from your special day. If you find yourself thinking about it, just remind yourself how horrible you would have felt if her husband would have said something to one of your guests. And then remind yourself what a strong, bad ass woman you are for standing up for yourself, your sister, and all your guests; and not accepting disgusting behavior!
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 28, 2020 at 8:49 AM
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♥️Thank You for the kind words. And yes you’re right there will be extremely supportive people there who love me. I think I just need a few weeks to cry all of this out and I’m sure once I tell my dad I’ll feel better I just pray he will not take it too hard about my mom.
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Expert May 2021
Danielle · on February 28, 2020 at 11:25 AM
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Honestly I couldn't do I without my mom and I'm speaking of the actual day. Imagine your marrying and she's not there. So sad. I would literally beg my mommy to come but alone not with him. I'd tell her how much this means that me, how I need her, and she can have her relationship with him but just to please not let me down on my wedding day. You explain to your mom seriously whole heartedly and she will chose you at least for a day. Really try hard don't let your mom miss the occasion because she's blinded right now. Best wishes
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Expert July 2021
Kris · on February 28, 2020 at 2:41 PM
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I would give her an ultimatium about the day. That way you aren't the bad guy if she isn't there, but she realizes the gravity of the situation.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on February 28, 2020 at 4:28 PM
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I made a FB post about it. Mostly because I had to completely cut her off, and a lot of her family. I restricted who could see the post. In addition, DH's family is super awesome, and MIL doesn't talk to HER mother, for similar reasons, so she was incredibly understanding. Between my ILs being aware, and my restricted social media post, word got out. (Most of my circle is well aware of how toxic that relationship was. Even when I didn't mention it, my mother routinely made a fool of herself in public when she was with me.)
I sobbed writing it - even when it's something you want and need to do, to end a toxic relationship, it's still your mom - but after, the support I received? About half my friends declared themselves my replacement mother.
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