So my now husband and I got married on the date we chose 8 years ago 4/20/20. Early March when things started shutting down I went to my parents who had offered and paid for our wedding to talk about alternative plans. I still wanted to marry on 4/20. So we agreed then we’d still marry as planned, assuming I got our license in time,and have a renewal ceremony In September. At the very last minute possible miraculously I was able to attain a license since my now husband didn’t have health insurance and it’s a pandemic it was approved for an emergency wedding.
The next day my father sent a group message to my immediate family including me that he was upset with me for continuing our wedding and could not walk me down the aisle even though that is planned to happen in September. Needless to say we married anyways because we chose this date 8 years ago we would of married 3 years prior but my parents insisted on a bigger better wedding. My parents refused to attend because my father is high risk for covid due to age and his immune system. It was an outside ceremony in our neighborhood. A few family members of my husband’s watched from their cars because they refused to miss it. I have not spoken with my father since the wedding. My mother has messaged me telling me I’m selfish, wedding are not about the bride, and I’m a horrible daughter for choosing a date over family. Our marriage was over due, I was tired of waiting. We were ready. And everything is still planned for September as of now for a renewal ceremony for family and friends. Which my parents say is a fake wedding even though this is what agreed on back in March. I asked my dad what changed within the month when he expressed how he felt. He said he never expected me to get the license in time. So I am asking other brides, new wife’s or anyone for that matter. Was I wrong for getting married? A man I’ve been with for 9 going on 10 years. I was blindsided by my fathers feelings. And my heart was already set. I did not want to choose between marrying the love of my life and my father. I know I would have resented my father for forcing me to change my date. Even though everything is planned for September as of now my father is refusing to walk me down the aisle for a fake wedding. Which I guess means no father/daughter dance either. I’m hurt by his decision and mind blown by the whole Situation. And they are 4/20 friendly so it was not about the date itself which is a totally low key 4/20 wedding which is now in September.
I’m so sorry this happened. But it sounds to me like your parents are the ones who chose a date over family. A fancy wedding was more important to them than you being married after 8 years, plus you already agreed on it and your husband needed health insurance. And your father was lying about this feelings just bc he thought you wouldn’t get the license. I’m sorry that he has health issues and couldn’t come because of covid, a situation tons of brides are in right now. A lot of people are canceling for September too, so who knows how many years you’d have to wait. There’s nothing you can do but hope they come around. Maybe you can write a letter calmly and kindly explaining that you love them but this was the best decision for you and your husband and you hope they can still support you in September. If they don’t respond then that’s on them. But I don’t think you did anything wrong.
I don’t think you did anything wrong, I would have done the exact same thing especially because you did the nice thing and you asked them in advance if they were okay with this plan. Waiting months also meant your husband would go months without health insurance which is just not smart during a pandemic. Your parents should have at least tried to understand that this was probably a really hard time for you as it is for literally everyone during this pandemic. I am very sorry that they are reacting this way.
It was wrong of your father to encourage you to get married then say he was secretly hoping you couldn’t get the marriage license in time so now he’s mad! If you’ve already expressed this and how unfair that is then you’ll need to let it go. They need to come to their senses. If not, you could write a brief letter to him briefly stating this and how along with him you are excited for the vow renewal in to do all the wonderful things you want: him walking down the aisle, father-daughter dance. But do not apologize again. He’s being ridiculous.
It’s also not cool they’re not supportive of getting your husband health insurance. My family would tell me to get married if it meant either of us would get health insurance. That’s pretty important.
Try to ignore your parents. They are attempting to control things (you) that are not theirs to control. You are now married, which is great, and you and your husband form a new nuclear family. Your extended family (parents) do not get to tell you what to do anymore. I'm sorry they're being so bossy--sounds like they didn't want you to get married (the better to control you, I would think). Well, too bad for them. You grew up and are free of them. Back away from them and into your new life.
I don't think you did anything wrong. No one, family or not, can 180 on their opinion in a group text like that. It wasn't fair to you to say it was all fine and then have an issue with it just because he didn't expect you to be able to make it work with the license. I know this must be so painful, but it was not your fault. Parents are not right all the time just because they're parents, and here they're definitely wrong.
You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s your decision not theirs. If anything they are the ones being selfish and unkind. I can’t believe they called you a horrible daughter; how hurtful and mean. You waited so long for that date and it meant a lot to you. Don’t worry so much about it; they need to get over it and have more understanding. Is marriage only about a party to them; or is it two people who love each other making a commitment and starting a life together. It’s not like you said you wouldn’t hold a celebration later on so they need to accept that. I’m sorry their attitude is ruining this special time for you but in time they will hopefully feel better.
It sounds as if your parents wanted a big wedding to show off how important they are and not how much you and your FH love each other. But hey, bright side! You and DH are now a new nuclear family and they don't get to make comments about it! My parents have had this problem for the last six/seven years (my FH and I have been together 11 years by the time we get married) because I always treated him as my partner and not as "just a boyfriend" which is how they treated him. They were always on my case about how I put him before FAMILY etc etc, and now that he's becoming FAMILY (or I'm joining his, whatever) they're now still trying to guilt me about how I'm so disrespectful of my PARENTS wishes. You sound like you're coming up to the same wall I've been pressed against for years!
I'm planning on moving even further south post-wedding (another two hours from my parents) for my FH's job. They're going to make that about them too, but I will simply tell them that my HUSBAND's job is there and that we'll see them for holidays and birthdays like any NORMAL adult child/parent relationship!
If they don't want to come to the ceremony in September that's on them, baby girl. They're the ones who'll look bad, not you!
The fact that you said that you would have been married three years ago but didn't because your parents wanted a bigger wedding tells me they didn't care about your marriage. They care about showing off and being the center of attention, that or they wanted to delay the wedding from happening. They lied when they agreed on the keeping the date and having the party later, hoping you would fail delaying your wedding more. Which is horrible and two faced. I hope your DH is being very supportive while you process who your parents have revealed themselves to be. I would stop talking with them for a while, give yourself space from the situation and enjoy married life. In a few months time, when you feel ready, maybe reach back out to see how they are doing. Don't bring up the wedding, just a check in. And don't apologise you did what they agreed on.
You may have made a mistake in waiting 3 more years of not being married when you wanted to be, in order to have a bigger or showier wedding, for them. The primary goal is being married, and give or take a couple of months for convenience, you should not have given that over to them. This time, you did things the right way, completely. That your father should say it was fine to keep your date simply because he did not think you could, then get angry you did, and want you to change, was unbelievably arrogant and controlling. Having decided he was in control of your life, he is having a spoiled child tantrum about finally being put in his place. There is no need to try to please him. He is wrong, and he needs to swing around. Direct any anger at Covid, the reason for the change. Not you for making the best decision under the circumstances. Enjoy his absence while he sulks, as a married couple. Take this time to re-establish your boundaries as a couple. You have been adults for years. So many things are about you, first, including when you marry. Jobs, where you live, when or if you buy property, religious observances, everything about children, are among the most important decisions that you need to keep control of, with no further friction. He needs to be clear, you inform them out of courtesy, but actual decisions about your welfare are yours to make. And risking what could be $200,000 or more in medical debt, being uninsured, and what that or bankruptcy would do to your marriage, is no small thing. You are being financially responsible, something they shiuld never try to overturn. Especially for a nicer party, on their schedule. I hope you have a wonderful time this fall. If he is so small minded he will not allow himself to be happy with that, let him sit in a corner and sulk. Alone, at home. Good practice , because if he won't accept you are grown adults who make your own choices, you will be living your lives with little contact from him while ignoring his control issues fits. You are clearly right. He is clearly out of bounds. Congratulations on your marriage! Make the most of this time of isolation, to nest and be happy.
Thanks for all the responses. I did not think I was wrong but maybe I was not open to them being right. Which is why I came here to discuss. I hope my parents come around and we can really enjoy the celebration in September. Only time will tell. But thanks again everyone!
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Other than that he feels like having a tantrum, what reason can he give for not coming to a party for you in September, or refusing to dance with you? My father would dress up 3 times a year and come to a party, and proudly and happily dance with me, for any reason, or none at all. Point out to your mom, that friends and relatives will think him nasty for refusing, but, if that is how he really feels about you, you will plan on life without him. Or her. Grandchildren who don't know him. Or her.
Girl you did nothing wrong. This is your day not theirs. I agree, maybe write a letter or a message to state your feelings and move on until they come around. Sounds like they are being very selfish. And manipulative. Enjoy being married
I THINK YOUR BIGGEST MISTAKE WAS NOT MARRYING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE 3 YEARS AGO!!!!
As far as your family is concerned I would try one last time to talk to my parents and let them know that I am also hurt. That I expected my parents to always have my back. That I expected my parents to support my decisions and except my reasoning or even hear me out, including the fact that my husband needed health insurance. I would also say it's your choice if you come and be apart of my special day in September and if you don't then I know exactly how supportive you really are and we will try our best to move on from the hurt and pain.
You cant control other people or how they are going to react, you can only control your reactions and how you handle each situation. But please do share your hurt and disappointment and understand that they might not come around so you have 4 months to prepare to be shocked or to take the blow that a date and flashier wedding meant more than the Love and respect of their daughters new union.
I don’t think you wrong in anyway shape are form. Me personally I wouldn’t be with my FH for that long I was only with my current husband for 5 months and we got married May 22nd, 2020 and I told my family last minute. I was and only child for seventeen years and my mom got married divorced and had a baby (his three years old now) my mom said she wasn’t going to talk to me etc the entire nine yards but the night before she stay at my house help me get ready gave me away etc. She was excited mad everything really that’s just how parents are. I don’t think you parents are going to keep this up for long if they do you have to love them with a long handle spoon and call it a day; I feel like my family and was in shocked but they’ll get over it I don’t really care you have to live your love for you not others. It was when parents are toxic but don’t want to own up to being toxic and controlling. I wish you the best.
I was sent an email with my fathers reply. It saddens me he can not accept our decision and move on happily.
Brandi wanted a wedding, it was decided to do a sizeable formal wedding. Brandi is trying to tell us now that was not her desire. But her signature is all over the contracts. We didn’t twist her arm. Her mother went along with all Brandi's plans and Mom just signed checks. Brandi chose the date 4/20/20 because of it's weed connection. In other words, a joke, a funny haha story to tell. Well covid happened. The reception couldn't be held and the state had ordered shelter in place. Brandi refused to postpone the wedding to coincide with the reception. She was asked to do so multiple times. I am elderly, have diabetes, hypertension and a heart valve replacement. Exactly the kind of vulnerable person who doesn't do well if I catch covid. Bandi said "You can watch it from the car" Let's break this down. We shell out 25 thousand dollars to give Brandi a really nice wedding she requested. Then I am told I can violate quarantine , risk my health and possibly my life or watch from the car like uninvited guests. Other family were out of state under quarantine and restricted travel so they would also not be able to attend, all so Brandi could have her cute story. We are heart broken. We're insulted that all of this went forward and was done in the middle of a National Pandemic, a time when none of the important people in Brandi's life could attend just so she could have her haha moment. Since then we have been receiving cancellations from those who are out of town. Who would go the expense of travel and accommodations, time off work just to come to a party, have a drink, and eat catered food. The wedding is the hook that brings people to town and that ship sailed on 4/20/20. We had Brandi over for dinner a couple of days ago. We asked her to make calls to out of town relatives and do what she can to reconstruct the reception guest list. She said it was our problem. The word in this forum is that we are just being jerks. It saddens me greatly to know Brandi, my 'Punkin head' would rather have her little joke than share this life event with all the other people who love her. This is one of the most disappointing times of my life. Being able to walk her down the isle was something I was looking forward to. I feel robbed. If that makes me a jersey there's not much I can do about it.
That's vicious and belittling and full of contempt. I don't think there's anything constructive that could be accomplished by replying, and I wouldn't sink to his level. Ignore them.
And, if you never wanted the big wedding (now reception), cancel it. I think they'll probably try to get refunds from your vendors, anyway. The more you try to deal with them, the more they're going to punish you for escaping them.
They tried their best to control you. They couldn't, and now he lashes out--very, very mean.
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I agree. In his mind your life decisions, like when and how you marry, are all about his walk down the aisle. And money they would never have needed to put out if they had not interfered 3 years ago. Meanwhile, he is blaming you, as though something beyond your control and his was not the reason for change. If my father was as self centered as yours, I would have walked down the aisle by myself even if he were sitting there. Your wedding is not all about him. Ignore his venom .