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Just Said Yes October 2023

i don't want to invite future bil girlfriend to wedding

Raymond, on July 28, 2023 at 6:04 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21

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For starters both myself, fiancée, and in laws feel the same way about my fiancée brother. He has been with his GF for 3 years ( the same as me and my fiancee)
But they both live at home with their own parents.
We don't want to invite her to our wedding bc she barley interacts with the family, always comes over to the house but doesn't spend time or make an effort to get to know the family. Example she won't sit and eat with us, if it's a full house she'll get up off the table and go either hide in his room or sit on the couch. If we sit on the couch she'll ignore us or leave upstairs. She won't invite anyone anywhere, or bring stuff to the house, doesn't offer coffee or treats, if she does buy something she'll label her name on it so nobody takes it. She has a lot of home issues and is constantly at the house so she won't have to deal with her parents. If she's sick she'll stay at the house until she's better then leave, getting all of us sick. But if we're sick or if my future BIL is sick she won't come over bc she doesn't want to get sick. She doesn't spend holidays with us either, or BBQs or birthdays but she'll always be at the house otherwise. Weve tried inviting her places or asking her to come eat with us. Ive asked to watch movies together but she refuses. She didn't even request her bfs bday off or help him during his wrist surgery, we had to take care of him. The rare moments she just so happens to sit with us she'll talk for a minute then leave. We don't even know her last name or her birthday and it's been 3 years. I've personally asked him if he plans on marrying her 2x and he chuckles and says no. In summary should we not invite her to our small intimate wedding? I'm certain she might not like any of us.

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21 Comments

Latest activity by Alyssa, on July 30, 2023 at 10:59 PM

Rosebud · on July 28, 2023 at 6:39 PM
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I m sorry it sounds like you do not have a great relationship with her. Personally I think she needs to be invited. If she s not comfortable around the family though maybe she won’t go. It’s really not great to invite his brother to celebrate your relationship while disrespecting/disregarding his. If she has issues with her own family maybe she just has a hard time trusting / bonding with people. You don’t have to hang out with her but for his brother she should be named on the invite. Best of luck to you 🩷
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Super October 2023
Alyssa · on July 28, 2023 at 8:11 PM
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How old are bil and gf? She sounds like she has a lot of anxieties.

You should invite her as they are a unit. She can feel free to decline.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Raymond · on July 28, 2023 at 9:01 PM
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Me 30, fiancée 29 bil 28, I'm assuming she's 28 or 29
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CM · on July 28, 2023 at 10:52 PM
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Forget the wedding for a minute. How does FBIL allow this GF to blatantly disrespect you and FI’s parents in their own home? Why do your future in laws allow her to be there when she’s sick and treat everyone rudely? Someone really needs to set boundaries here. Civil behavior and consideration need to be the bare minimum.

I’d have FI have this conversation with his brother first, and worry about an invitation after that. Normally of course she’d be included but there are exceptions to every rule. They don’t live together, there’s no commitment or apparent future, and she’s incredibly rude.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Raymond · on July 28, 2023 at 11:13 PM
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Thanks for the reply. We're planning on having myself and the older brother to have a conversation with him bc it's the entire family that feels this way. We honestly wouldn't mind inviting her, but we feel like she might either decide last minute to not show up or make my future bil leave early, while staying on her phone the entire time. My in laws were hoping that with time she'll warm up but it's been 3 years..
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Devoted April 2023
Peyton · on July 28, 2023 at 11:47 PM
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Yikes. Etiquette says you should invite her, BUT will she ruin the day for you? Why on earth would the brother hang onto this girl when she is rude and disrespectful? Definitely ask the brother and see if he even cares if she is invited. Boundaries need to start soon….otherwise it will likely just get worse. Good luck!
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on July 29, 2023 at 1:23 AM
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She should be invited. What if they end up together for a long term? You'll forever be the person that excluded her from your wedding. Family relationships may suffer.
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Super September 2023
Kimberly · on July 29, 2023 at 8:11 AM
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This is so tough because usually BIL and his girlfriend would be a unit and be invited together, but she is so incredibly rude to your family. My first question is how does BIL feel about this/how would he react if she doesn’t get invited? I think either your fiancée or future in-laws need to sit BIL down and have a discussion with him about her behavior, both generally and how it relates to the wedding.
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Super October 2023
Alyssa · on July 29, 2023 at 10:02 AM
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Oh...wow. this sounded more like they were 18.

They both still live at home with their parents? Is this normal where you're from?

Regardless they should be invited as a unit. She can decline if she wants.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on July 29, 2023 at 11:21 AM
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Honestly she just kind of sounds like an introvert. You might be expecting too much from her, when she does things differently than you’re used to (as an example you mention that she didn’t even take her bf’s bday off of work, or doesn’t offer coffee or treats— that might be how you guys do things in your family, but in many families that just not how they operate , is above and beyond the norm, and if her home life isn’t great, sounds like she wasn’t brought up necessarily to be considerate in that way. Frankly you might start to like her better if you expect less of her)

Yes, you should invite her. You can’t pick your friends’ and families’ partners, and their relationships deserve respect. It’s one thing if there’s an extreme, like she’s actively violent or threatening to you. But just disliking a loved one’s partner is not a reason to exclude them.
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Legend July 2022
Lisa · on July 29, 2023 at 12:02 PM
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I agree with this. Regardless of whether you like her or not, if she hasn't done anything extreme or something that would indicate that she may cause a big scene at your wedding, then she should be invited with her boyfriend. If she typically avoids family gatherings, she might decline the wedding invite anyway. Also, if she has a lot of issues at home, interacting with others might give her anxiety or might make her feel uncomfortable in a family setting, which could be why she acts the way she does, or she could just be very introverted. Excluding her from your wedding may alienate her and cause her to shutdown even more. It would be better to stay civil and leave the ball in her court for if/when she decides to socialize with the family.
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Dedicated September 2024
Jada · on July 29, 2023 at 12:30 PM
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I say no no reason to have an extra person there it’s intimate and meant for you and it doesn’t even sound like she would want to go anyways
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Master October 2023
Cece · on July 29, 2023 at 5:50 PM
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Completely agree with all of this
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Raymond · on July 29, 2023 at 6:17 PM
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Thanks for your input, it sounds great. Weve kinda stopped expecting anything from her, the wedding just kind of brought up thoughts on it.
As for anything her related. She goes to all her families occasions and often times doesn't invite him either. As far as family goes ive got a very tiny family but yet I've made the effort to be polite and respectful and just so happens to fit right in. I'll be looking up introvert advice. Thanks
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Raymond · on July 29, 2023 at 6:25 PM
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I hear you, one thing we are worried about is she happens to make situations about her... the one time we got her to come out to a double date, she busted into tears at the table bc she found out (a week prior) her mom had two phones and possibly a 2nd boyfriend. We were really understanding and decided to stay so they could go back to the house with some privacy and we get picked up by someone else. She then demanded to leave and walked off before we even got drinks. We have a strong feeling she'll show up to wedding bc shes dating the brides brother but she might find a way to either disappear or make a scene about something and they BOTH end up leaving... thank you guys for all your replies.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Raymond · on July 29, 2023 at 6:28 PM
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For their family it's normal to stay until marriage or a serious relationship. We're also in California so saving up for rent or mortgage is easier at home.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on July 29, 2023 at 10:21 PM
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Significant others, regardless of the time they have been together are a package deal and are both invited by name. The exceptions to that rule are when one or both people are toxic and a danger to others around them: racist, homophobic, verbally/physically abusive, a danger to children, and the list goes on related to that. It is a faux pas and disrespectful to invite someone as a single who is in a relationship to celebrate yours and disregard theirs as not valid. It’s also very common for partners to be a new acquaintance that the bride/groom has not yet met. If there is time before the wedding, it doesn’t take more than 5 minutes on a FaceTime call to meet their partner.
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Dedicated March 2024
Laura · on July 29, 2023 at 10:33 PM
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I think that you should invite her because she’s in the family and living in their house even though she doesn’t participate in anything. Look at it from a different perspective; maybe she’s socially awkward, perhaps she’s a very anxious person, or maybe she has a lot of issues that you might not be aware of. It’s not your problem if she doesn’t help, talk or spend time with the family. But unfortunately, she lives there, and an invitation for your fiancé’s brother and a plus one(most likely it will be her) has to be given. She probably won’t attend, or if she does, I don’t see why she will be a problem at your wedding besides sitting in a corner avoiding people.
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Beginner October 2023
Salina · on July 30, 2023 at 4:06 PM
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I have a similar situation with my future BIL's GF. When we were deciding if we wanted to invite her my mom made a good point. Will having her there make you feel happy on your wedding day, or will it make you uncomfortable and nervous? The day is about you and your future husband not about anyone else. If the only relationship you have with her is that she is dating your future BIL then it doesn't seem like an even she needs to attend. I understand this hard decision though and I do feel for you. Listen to your comfort and your fiancés though that is what is most important.
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CM · on July 30, 2023 at 6:49 PM
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I understand that conventional etiquette is that long term couples who consider themselves a social unit or who are married, engaged or living together must be invited as a pair. So I get why people are saying that it's obligatory for this GF to be invited. I could easily make an argument In that direction, too, TBH, but a couple of things push me to think OP is in a gray area.
Contrary to the popular opinion on this board, not every etiquette source agrees that SOs who don't live together get a mandatory invitation. Despite the time she spends holed up in FBIL's room not only does she rudely avoid interacting with anyone to the point that no one even knows her last name they really don't seem to function as a social unit at all. They don't attend holidays, parties, family dinners or birthday celebrations together, something you'd expect of a typical couple by now. FBIL himself suggests that the relationship is not permanent. TBH she sounds more like a convenient hookup than a GF. I'm not even considering the pettier complaints against her.
How does FBIL feel? If you invite her, I'd be honest and let him know that you'd be upset if she no shows or pressures him to leave early.
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