Husband works night shift and it's ruining our marriage!!!

Would you be willing to take on a different job that made your schedules a little more flexible?
For example working 5am-2pm so by the time he wakes up, you can be home? This is how my brother and his wife make it work. He works 9pm-6am and she works 5am-2pm. That way when she’s getting off work, he’s waking up

Have you guys discussed counseling? Does he have days off? Maybe he can attend some sessions with you on his days off.

Maybe he look for a good job that pays well where he can work days in the meantime.

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She has a 7 year old so i doubt that'd work with school etc.

I dont know that i could do it OP. So hats off for lasting this long. There has to be some happy medium. Could he cut back hours to 5 days a week so you at least get one full day together.

You also need to make sure that you guys can make it financialy if you ask him to change jobs

Honestly, I don't think stuff like this is easy to work out. The biggest reason my first marriage failed was because my ex husband travelled so much for work- he was gone 6 months a year in 2-5 week chunks. We became strangers living in the same house.

I would never have a relationship like that again. I am not sure how you can stay connected to someone if you literally can't devote the time to it, especially if kids are involved and eating up the time.

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I would be willing to do that if it wasn't for the fact that we only have my car. He works 10pm to 6am and sometimes 6pm to 6am. I work 7:30pm to 4pm. He puts my daughter on the bus and gets her off so he strains his sleep as well. It makes me feel horrible because I feel like he's sometimes better off alone. It hurts.

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His days off is so unpredictable. Last month he only had 3 days off. It just really depends on how much work they have. It's usually on a Sunday so that makes it even worse. He works in the printing press industry so it's really hard to get a good shift unless you been there for years. He also doesn't have any other qualifications for other good paying jobs because he was a cook before. Those jobs don't have the hours even if the pay is okay.

We have the same issue with me. kinda.

I currently work full time over nights at a hospital 47 miles away- i work ten days on, four days off and the four days i will sleep all day . working overnights makes me feel sick all the time, restless and depressed. I feel distant from the world for days and days and I miss the sunlight desperately. recently i got a job per diem at a hospital in the same town to try to get my foot in the door.

My FH wortks 7am-6pm so we see each other only a few hours a day and most the time I am sleepy or sleeping. He works while i sleep and he sleeps when i work.

we make sure we have dinner together, even if i am sleepy, to keep up with every day life- this is the main staple of our relationship. I make dinner and make sure to take out nice plates and silverware, candle, make it presentable.... its like a date everynight.

its hard and I hope there i an opening for my per diem job soon.

I am so sorry, OP.

One thing my husband insisted on when we got married was that we agree on a certain night of the week that is always date night. We don't commit to other things on that night, so it's always guaranteed time together. Date night doesn't necessarily mean we go out...sometimes it means siending the evening cuddling and binge watching a favorite show or a movie. It also doesn't mean that we don't spend time together the other 6 days of the week, just that we commit to prioritizing each other on that specific night so that when life does get busy, we still have guaranteed time together.

How regular are his days off? Is it possible to agree on a time that you can regularly dedicate to each other? What about trying to shift your daily schedules a little bit so you get a little more time together during the day? Does he feel the same way you do about wanting more time together? You said that in the past, you've talked about it and things are better for a short time, but they return to normal. Have you two considered counseling to try to figure out how to make more lasting improvements?

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Yeah you're right our schedules wouldn't work because of my child. Thank you for the hats off...just stinks it's gotten to this point. My best friend's fiancé was working at the same place and the only reason they are still together is because he switched to a new job. 90% of the people at his job that works 3rd shift is divorced due tot he job...it's just sad. The hours are mandatory so he cannot scale back on his hours.

I almost fell into this exact situation when I accepted a night shift for my new job. I had the option to cancel within a week and I'm so glad I did. I have to wait for a new start date for day shifts, but it's worth the small struggle.

Im so sorry you have to deal with thus. You'll need to find some time to sit down with your husband and once again tell him your feelings. What you posted here is a good start. Have a heart to heart conversation and see if he's willing to look for a day shift job. I hope all works out ❤

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That's exactly how I feel now....like strangers living in the same house. I was married once before and he was abusive. Now I'm married again but it's like I am to a stranger. There's so much time that has been lost. I told him that I was still love him but not in love with him. It hurts and it's killing me that I feel like this because of a job but I do. I will never get in a relationship like this again because I'm losing someone that I thought would be in my life forever.

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I hope that it works out for you. As for me and my husband I'm not too sure. His job takes a lot out of him and it's so hard to even have him get up. It's just been sucking so much! I make dinner every night and if he does come out and eat with us he goes right back to sleep.

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It's okay. I appreciate your help. His days off are very irregular. Last month alone he only had 3 days off. We made a dedicated time to spend and it always get lost. He wants to spend more time with me too but in the same breath will say how he is not superman and can't always do it. I just want it sometime at least once a week but he cannot figure out when this can be done because sleep is so valuable to him. I work 7:30am to 4pm so I really cannot change my schedule. We talked about counseling but it's so hard with his hours and sleep...and possibility of him having to work 6pm to 6am instead of 10pm to 6am that we wouldn't be able to keep it up.

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I'm glad that you were able to get out of it. I have to say that was a great decision. I been sitting down with him the last couple of days but to no avail. His job he has to work 3rd and cannot change it until he gains more seniority. It's just all so much. He has been a cook his entire career until this job so even if he got close to the pay he gets now (which I highly doubt) the hours wouldn't be good. I feel like I can't win for losing.

When you took those vows you vowed to work through the tough times, this is one of them.

You and your husband need to sit down together and figure out a way to make it work, weather that is taking an extra day off or looking for a job with an easier schedule.

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I understand this. I was married once before to an abuser but I understand the vows that were made that day. My current husband has been through more tough times than good but this one is one that is hard to find a resolution. His job hours are mandatory. We also need his financial pull for the household. His job qualifications is this job he's at now and cook before. However even if the pay was close to the same the hours would not be. We have been trying to work it out for a while but after a while you start to give up. I don't want to but it feels like it will never change and nothing stays consistant. Most people do not understand the struggles of having a partner working third shift until it happens to them. Anytime I bring up compromising things he tells me that he won't be able to do it. So maybe he already has given up.

Does he sleep the entire 8.5 hours you are at work? How much sleep does he feel he needs to be well rested? Is it possible to shift dinner time to be slightly later so that it would be slightly more convenient for him to get up for dinner and stay up?

Ultimately, this is something the two of you need to keep talking about and keep brainstorming different changes and compromises (on both sides) that can be tried in an effort to better meld your day and his day together.

My FH used to work nights—7 days on, 7 days off, and I feel for you. We made sure to spend time together when he had it off but it was definitely difficult. I’d see about not only planning time together but perhaps also fitting in some ritual—like if you can have breakfast together when he gets home or something. Or you have coffee and he has a night cap. It’s stressful. Also think toward the future and discuss how you may work to have the same schedule.

OP, I am so sorry. My husband worked night shift for 2.5 years, and had to quit his job (which was otherwise great) because it was ruining his health. We didn't meet until after that job (he moved down South to be with family and met me!), but he's had an uncertain job history since leaving that job and works in a field where shift work is common. It's so incredibly frustrating to work different schedules and not be able to spend any time together.

Your last post made me wonder if he is starting to get depressed. My husband got super depressed working third shift. He also needs tons of sleep, and when he was working third shift he had to sleep 12+ hours a day. It was so hard on his body. Do you think your husband might be experiencing that? You mentioned that he seems like he has given up. I know his work is crazy and he needs sleep, but if you suspect depression he needs to get help ASAP before it worsens.

Props to you both for working through this. It is so hard! My husband will have to work nights for a few months starting this summer, and we are not looking forward to it. I really hope your husband gets the seniority soon for both of your sakes.