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Dedicated October 2019

Hurt friend

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Akirah, on August 22, 2019 at 7:34 AM

I decided on a small bachelorette weekend with just my three bridesmaids and me. It was absolutely perfect and everything I wanted.

A friend who isn't a bridesmaid saw pics of the weekend on social media and got in touch with me to share how hurt she is. I validated her hurt and apologized for her hurt. I also explained my rationale for a small bachelorette. Despite these explanations, she remains hurt and started to tell me what I should’ve done instead (invited more people, let them work out the logistics, made sure all folks were aware of the “festivities”, etc). I feel like she made the assumption that I wanted a larger get together...which I didn’t. It was a frustrating conversation, so I stopped trying to explain myself.

She also made some comments about how I’ve asked her to do my makeup (which I told her I was going to pay her to do) and I get the vibe that she feels like she was owed an invite to the bachelorette since she agreed to do my makeup. This all feels very uncomfortable to me and I’m trying to give her space, while I work out my frustration on my own. Hence this post.

Anyway, I wonder if anyone is willing to share how they’ve dealt with hurt feelings surrounding their own wedding. In hindsight, I think I may have over-apologized and I feel she was trying to guilt me, maybe unintentionally. I absolutely don’t want to lose a friend over this...but it’s hard to know how to move forward. Especially since she’s kinda gone silent on me since our last conversation. Sigh. I just feel bad...for many reasons.

Thoughts?

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37 Comments

Master October 2018
MrsV1027 · on August 23, 2019 at 8:37 AM
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I had a friend that did the same thing. I wasn't going to even have a bach party and my DH felt bad that I wasn't so he booked a party limo bus for me and friends for the night before the wedding. We were in Vegas so it was perfect. The bus left the first location at 9pm. I invited everyone that was in Vegas with us that was in our age group and was actually checked into a hotel by then. My friends flight wasn't landing until 9 so I didn't invite her since there was literally no way she'd make it. She was SO mad at me for not offering an invite...even though she was literally still on the plane. It was so frustrating. I had been trying to cut ties with her anyways because of many many many other things but this just added to my frustrations with her. We barely speak now and I'm super ok with that.
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Super September 2019
Denise · on August 23, 2019 at 12:43 PM
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How I deal with hurt feelings? I don't. It's my wedding, it's my Bach Party, I'm not a crowd person, nor am I the person who will invite someone to spare feelings (97% of the time). I would tell her thatI'm sorry she feels this way but that what's done is done, it happened and you werent aware that it would affect her this much.
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Dedicated September 2020
Shanita · on August 23, 2019 at 1:26 PM
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What I'm learning in this planning process is that you cannot please everyone. And this is YOUR day, YOUR wedding, YOUR rules...the happiest person should be you. No one is "owed" an invite or an explanation, unless you want to give it to them. If they cannot accept it after that then...oh well you tried. I know that is harsh sounding, but, we have enough stress with planning, dress fittings, picking flowers, DIY projects and everything else. Individuals coming in to try to force you to do it the way they see fit are not welcome...IMO **shrug**
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Dedicated September 2020
Shanita · on August 23, 2019 at 1:28 PM
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LOL...this is totally my attitude. "I don't" LOVE IT!!!!
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Expert April 2021
Paulette · on August 23, 2019 at 4:10 PM
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Akirah, all I can say is you did all that you can do. My unsolicited advice is to find you another makeup artist "just in case." Weddings and funerals can bring out the worst in people. Unfortunately, weddings are about the bride and groom. More so the bride. Talk to your FH about it and see what his take on it is. I know sometimes they don't care but if it's bothering you, he should know. My Pastor told my FH in premarital counseling that his job is to guard my heart. So talk to him and see what he says about the situation. This is one day that unfortunately is really not for us. (I'll explain that later if you like) You goal is to become Mrs. Don't let foolishness spoil your day.
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Expert April 2021
Paulette · on August 23, 2019 at 4:13 PM
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COME ON SHANITA!!! TELL IT LIKE IT IS!! I LOVE IT!!
No one should be placing their personal feelings on the bride! I had to set my FSIL straight and then she text me this long message talking about I hurt her feelings. BABY BYE!!! I called her and told her, this was our wedding and what we say goes. If no one likes it, my family and his included, does not have to show up. I said it and I meant it. Point blank. Period!
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Expert April 2021
Paulette · on August 23, 2019 at 4:15 PM
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Don't apologize for your feeling the way you feel. I don't understand the selfishness people have during a day that's not even about them. When other people have their day, we support and understand. We just want the same thing.
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Dedicated September 2020
Shanita · on August 23, 2019 at 4:17 PM
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YES!!!!! My sentiments exactly!
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Expert April 2021
Paulette · on August 23, 2019 at 4:25 PM
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Peggy...
All I can say is wow! Akirah, do you see that you are not alone in your situation? We all have to deal with personalities that are kind of crazy!!
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Expert September 2019
Rachel · on August 23, 2019 at 10:15 PM
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I can see where she's hurt, but she didn't really have an excuse to lash out that way. I'm not in my MOH's wedding party (she has sisters; I do not) and they are doing a bridal party-only bach as well. Sure, I'd love to be a part of these things, and yeah, sometimes it hits a little funny that I'm not, but that is NO reason to get all bent out of shape! It is what the bride wants; don't make the bride's special events about you, you know? Like a PP said, if you end up losing a friendship over this..... then what was that friendship based on?
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Dedicated October 2019
Akirah · on August 24, 2019 at 2:45 PM
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Thank you! You’re right. I’m doing my best to let go of the guilt and bad feelings. Truly, we can’t please everyone.
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Dedicated October 2019
Akirah · on August 24, 2019 at 2:45 PM
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This is a super good idea...thank you! Do you have thoughts on the timing to send such a message? My wedding is October 12th. I have noticed she hasn’t RSVPed yet. Sigh.
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Dedicated October 2019
Akirah · on August 24, 2019 at 2:47 PM
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Weddings really can bring out drama in people. My FH has been super supportive and has been said that she was super inappropriate and I need to let it go. So that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.
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Dedicated October 2019
Akirah · on August 24, 2019 at 2:48 PM
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I agree. I understand that being left out can feel really hard and sad. I don’t begrudge her on that one; it makes complete sense. But the way she tried to guilt me about it was super hurtful. Thanks for your encouragement...I really appreciate it.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on August 24, 2019 at 9:12 PM
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Oh man that is soon!! I would say look at other artists within your price range (and that you enjoy the artistic style of) right now, actually!

Just reach out and ask if they have your date available, and a date available for a trial before that (if you can do a trial as I know this is a very unexpected expense!) Ask when the latest you can book them is, let them know you understand that they can't hold the date without a deposit and don't expect them to hold it, you just needed to know the latest possible date you could wait til to reach out.

Then, use that info to base your decision. Definitely do this sooner rather than later incase people are booked, need a few weeks notice, or other issues! Best of luck, I hope your friend will end up getting over her issues and does it!
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Super October 2021
Suzie · on August 25, 2019 at 12:28 PM
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You have not done anything wrong! Do not let her make you feel bad for any of your wedding plans. These events are for you, and you do not need to make any excuses. Asking someone to do makeup is much different than being in your wedding party. You’ve already done the polite thing of apologizing, which imo you did not need to do, so she needs to move on or drop it. I’d look for potential backups for your makeup in case she decides to flake on you. She’s the one putting you in an awkward position, and if she isn’t responding to you, then that’s on her. I’ve dealt with so many people in my life who tried to manipulate my emotions, and honestly, people who do that are not worth your time. Stay strong!
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Devoted October 2021
Fany · on August 26, 2019 at 7:02 AM
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I personally would have not posted pics on social media. This may be different but I remember when my grandma invited all of her granddaughters except me to celebrate her birthday in Cali then posted pics. Both my parents were upset and always had hurt feelings that she favored her grandkids from her two other children and treated her grandkids from them like the milk man’s grandkids.
After your friend expressed hurt feelings and you have explained that it was only bridesmaids invited and that several other friends who were not in the wedding party were excluded as well, then she should have understood and moved on.
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