Hurt friend

I had a friend lash out at me because she felt she was “ranked” as a bridesmaid instead of maid of honor. This was after she happily accepted when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I guess she thought if she wasn’t maid of honor then no one was. I apologized for hurting her feelings and it didn’t help at all. She hasn’t acted normal since. I was upset at first but I’m realizing this is her personal problem and there’s really nothing I can do. I’m over it and if she doesn’t come or we’re not friends anymore because of this, maybe she wasn’t that good a friend to begin with.

I think if you lost her friendship over this, it wasn’t a very strong friendship to begin with. You had your reasons for a smaller party, and ultimately that’s what matters since you are the bride. I do understand her hurt feelings and I understand not wanting/meaning to hurt her, but there’s only so much apologizing you can do. Does she know you were gonna pay her to do your makeup? If she doesn’t, make sure she knows so she doesn’t feel like she’ll get nothing in return, ya know? And again, I’m sorry for this situation. But if she leaves over this, she would have left over anything.

You’re doing all you can do, space and time. What you wanted and what she wanted you to want simply don’t align. But it’s your day, your choice — not hers, so try not to let guilt eat you: you didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t what she wanted.

View Quoted Comment This makes me sad for the both of you. I really hope she can work thru these things and that your friendship can be repaired. I think your right; this is her stuff that she’s putting on you.

How did you get over it? Was it just time that helped you?

View Quoted Comment I told her I planned to pay months ago when I asked. She said it would be her wedding gift. I reminded her this weekend, when all this came up, that I was planning to pay her for the services. She did not respond to that message, so I have no idea where we stand on that, let alone our friendship.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. That’s what my FH keeps saying. I need to really let that sink in. That I didn’t do anything wrong; I just wanted to celebrate differently than she expected. I’m just upset that she put that on me rather than thinking a bit first. I kinda feel like she reached out to me when her emotions were high...to discharge those feelings...not to have a constructive dialogue.

You had a great time right? Off with the rest people always want to make things about them this your time to shine don’t allow anyone to take that from you

View Quoted Comment Mmmm. Thank you! ❤️

While i understand how it feels to not be included you are under no obligation to invite her to your bachelorette party. just because she thinks you should have had a larger party isn't important. you did what you wanted and its your celebration after all! sorry she is making this so uncomfortable for you but like you said you already apologized and even over-apologized. if you lose her over this then maybe shes not worth keeping as a friend. she should understand that you're the bride and you can have a small bach if you want to!

View Quoted Comment It was mostly time. It makes me sad too because we were friends since second grade, but she’s not the person I grew up with. She’s so different and hasn’t been there for me since we’ve been in our 20s. I talked to everyone in my family who knew her or who I thought would have some perspective and they all said the same thing...she’s way overreacting and being ridiculous. My fiancé said he doesn’t even want her there because she’ll probably stir up drama and make me upset at the wedding. After her tantrum and my apology I didn’t hear from her for five months. Then she said I’m only 5% mad (what?) and also I want to be at your wedding but can’t afford to travel and also will you come to my birthday party in Europe a month after the wedding. So I wanted to see if she was serious and I offered to pay for a chunk of her travel and her dress. I’m already paying for lodging and hair and makeup. She said she’d think about it and get back to me tomorrow and then 3 months went by with no contact. I got a very nice card and bridal shower gift from her mother, however. She had been rude to my maid of honor at our engagement brunch. She only contacts me when she’s having a nervous breakdown, never just wants to chat. I had wanted to come visit her a few years ago in Europe and she said I have a weird roommate don’t come. So all of these things put together just made me realize she’s not the person I thought and maybe it’s ok to move on. I sent her invitation last week and I’m expecting a decline...we’ll see.

You didn’t do anything wrong, but I understand her feeling hurt. It’s never easy to feel excluded. That said, you’ve apologized and that’s all you can do. She can either accept that apology and move on or she can stay mad. You don’t have any control over how she chooses to react.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! It’s my party and I can only invite three people if I want to!

View Quoted Comment Wow. After reading all that, I think it was incredibly kind of you to send her an invite. Is she still an bridesmaid?

I dunno about you, but I hate having and kind of drama involved with my wedding. I just want everyone to be happy, so I probably go above and beyond to keep the peace. But maybe that’s not for the best, in the long term.

I hope for absolutely NO drama at your wedding. And I agree...I don’t think she’s being a good friend to you. And you deserve good friendships in your life!

View Quoted Comment Yeah, I think this may be a lesson about my own need to feel in control. Seems like an opportunity for me to let go and let her deal with her stuff, with my distant support.

Weddings make people feel so entitled. Do not let this get to you. Do not let this person make you feel bad for planning your wedding the way you want. Some people include everyone under the sun for their wedding festivities, some people choose to keep it intimate. There is no right or wrong way.

I had someone who isn't even my friend, but a girlfriend of a family member, get upset that they weren't included in wedding things. I also believe she was trying to guilt me and looking for me to over apologize and tell her how sorry I was that her feelings were hurt. I didn't and I don't regret it. I had tried to be friends with her in the past and it failed, so I set my boundaries with her and told her I have chosen to keep things intimate and I won't be made to feel bad about it. We haven't spoken since and you know what, good riddance.

If this "friend" is really trying to guilt you into feeling bad, she isn't a real friend. Weddings are stressful and a real friend would know not to bring something so trivial up during such a stressful process and should have enough common sense to know you did something a certain way for a reason, instead of making it about themselves.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for this comment. Your last sentence is so incredibly helpful, it’s not even funny. I agree; this isn’t an appropriate time to bring up just one more thing for me to worry about. I have enough on my plate!

Thank you.

View Quoted Comment Yes I wanted to continue to be patient and make sure that if our friendship ends over this it’s because of her not because of me. But after this we may just be done and that’s ok with me.

Haven't had this happen to me and I hope that it doesn't happen but you apologized enough. In addition to your apology you expressed what you wanted your weekend to entail and who to be there. You had a perfect weekend and what you wanted. For someone to make you feel bad about what you wanted is not a "friend". Its not about her; she felt hurt and you apologized but its not her wedding...she's not even in it. Just because she is doing a service for you (which you offered to pay for) doesn't mean that she gets an honorary member to the BM club. That was your choice to spend it with whomever you wanted to spend it with and I'm quite sure you gave your BM's those particulars for the party/weekend. Please don't continue to feel bad about this. With space and time, I hope you guys can move on from it. If not, she wasn't a real friend. Good luck with this and I hope it works out.

I didn't read all other replies so I don't know if anyone suggested a similar thing but: Unsure how much time you have until your wedding but I'd say you've done all you can and to just give her space... For now. Pick a date you will absolutely need to know if she's doing your makeup by and reach out the day before. I'd say something like (in the event that you drill haven't talked and/or made up by then): hey X, I'm sorry again that your feelings have been hurt and that was never my intention. However, if I need to find a new MAU then I really need to start doing so now to give me enough time before the wedding. I fully understand if you're no longer able or willing and don't hold it against you. Please let me know by tomorrow? If I haven't heard from you I'll take that as a no and start looking elsewhere."

Weddings truly seem to bring out the worst in people and you really find out who your real friends are. If she was that upset, even after you apologized, she wasn't that great of a friend and you're better off without that negativity.