We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

LousieLou
June 2021

Hurt Feelings - Mother of Groom not invited to participate in day of activities

LousieLou, on September 25, 2020 at 10:02 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 40
Saved Save
Reply

My son is getting married in a few weeks (I'm divorced with a long time bf). He & his fiancee are paying for the wedding. The wedding is 3 hours in her hometown, but they live nearby me. The brides mother has been involved with her daughter with flowers, photos, food, etc. They are having about 100 people. I was given no guests to invite, not even family members, so just my bf & I. The bride has many aunts/uncles and cousins coming as well as family and work friends. I offered to pay for my guests if that was the issue, they said no, they just didn't want any more people so I dropped it. I offered to pay for their save the date notices which they accepted and I did, but that was before I knew I was going to be cut out of everything. I've stayed out of planning except to ask occasionally what was going on and how things were coming along. I threw her a wedding shower (cost me $$'s since I had to rent a tent & tables and order food, etc.) and invited her mom & sisters and they declined. I found out her mom was giving her a shower the next weekend, I was not invited. Since it's going to be out of town, I realized I will need a place to do my hair while there. I've booked a hotel room for myself and my bf near the wedding location. I asked the bride yesterday about a potential place to get my hair done only to find out that she, her bridesmaids and mother are all doing a hair and makeup activity at a salon that day. She said the salon was all booked up. I was not invited. I am beyond hurt. I'm trying to get over it, but I have this vision of myself going to a different salon by myself that day, my bf and I having nothing to do in our hotel hanging around while they're off getting gussied up. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it. I texted my son and told him how hurt I was and told him not to mention it to his fiancee. He said she was preoccupied with the wedding and she just didn't think of it and she wouldn't intentionally hurt my feelings, and she would 'feel terrible' if she knew. He then said her mother booked the appointment. How have others in this situation let go of their hurt feelings? I don't want to be upset with her and of course she'll be in my life a long time, but it seems so thoughtless after I've helped them out in so many ways. (When I moved in with my bf I sold them my house at below market rate at 0% interest, she also lived with me for several years when her mother moved away and she had nowhere to go.)

I don't want to cause a rift, I just looking for help to let go of my hurt and anger.

40 Comments

Latest activity by Jessica, on October 4, 2020 at 1:40 AM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt. I'm not sure that there's much you can do about this except work through your feelings and move past it. I would try not to take it personally as many brides don't get ready with their FMIL the day of their wedding.

    • Reply
  • Kell
    VIP April 2021
    Kell ·
    • Flag
    Wow! Thst is sooooo unfortunate. I could never treat my FMIL that way. I think you should talk to both your son and her and explain just one time how hurt you are and that you anticipated different treatmemt bc you're her FH'S mom and bc you've done so much for both him and her. After that one conversation with both of them, don't bring it up anymore.
    • Reply
  • Kell
    VIP April 2021
    Kell ·
    • Flag
    It makes me sad reading your post, especially bc my FH's mom has showed zero interest in our wedding and hasn't offered to help me plan, organize or pay for anything.
    • Reply
  • LousieLou
    June 2021
    LousieLou ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Kell, I did bring it up with my son via text telling him how hurt I was. I dropped it when he started getting defensive / defending his fiancee. I figured that was a sure way for me to alienate him and her and I don't want to ruin our relationship over wedding issues. In general, my son is very thoughtful and perceptive, so this was surprising, of course he's not doing much of the planning and obviously not the hair stuff. His fiancee is nice but somewhat reserved in her emotions and is definitely close to her mom. Because of the distance I haven't gotten to know her family very well but have tried. I've gone there twice for Thanksgiving and have invited them to my house, but they've never made it up for various reasons, including my mother's memorial service. Maybe her mom just wanted the day to herself or somehow it didn't occur to her that I would be interested in participating.

    • Reply
  • LousieLou
    June 2021
    LousieLou ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I would agree that perhaps FMIL aren't usually included in getting ready, but I'm coming from out of town and will be in a hotel by myself w/my bf with no knowledge of where to get my hair or makeup done. Seems a bit tone deaf to me that no one thought of that. Also - my future DIL knows that I am incapable of doing anything decent with my hair as I've discussed it with her many times and she has actually straightened my hair for me on more then one occasion to help me out.

    • Reply
  • Emma
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
    • Flag
    I’m not including my FMIL with getting ready, even though she’s coming from out of town. We did not let the in-laws bring extra guest; even if they offered to pay I’d say no. My FMIL doesn’t seem to want to be involved with wedding stuff though. We didn’t invite her to the shower because she’s from out of town.
    • Reply
  • Emma
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I wouldn’t say it’s tone deaf for the bride to not think of how someone would be getting their hair and makeup done. I’m not providing anything for hair and makeup other then my mother. The only reason my mom is getting her hair and makeup done is because my artist needed a minimum of 2 people for her to travel. I have no clue what my FMIL is doing. My MOH asked her sister to do the bridesmaids makeup and honestly I didn’t even think about needing someone for them
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Rockstar November 2021
    Chrysta Online ·
    • Flag
    I am going to play devils advocate here. I noticed you said in your comment that your FDIL is rather reserved and is very close with her mother; and also that the mother is the main one doing the planning. I wonder if perhaps her mom just wanted to have that special time with her daughter. I know my mom is rather protective of her time with me, especially when it comes to big moments like these. To be honest, I will not be inviting my FMIL to get ready with us either for several reasons: I really wanted to have that special moment with just my mom and my MOH, less people = less time and potential issues, and I always feel as though inviting somebody to do something will end up in them feeling obligated to accept, even if they don’t want to. And I never want to put anybody in that position. Plus, there is the issue with your boyfriend attending with you. They very likely could have just assumed you would want to stay with him, rather than leave him alone in a hotel room, and did not extend the invite in order to not place you in a position of having to leave him alone. Similarly, they may not have extended an invitation to the wedding shower her mother threw because it was out of state and they did not want to put you in a position where you felt obligated to travel that far to a shower full of her family and friends. Or, perhaps they had planned to invite you, but then didn’t once you decided to throw a shower for her locally.
    It could just be a simple issue of them thinking they are being courteous and sympathetic to your situation and not wanting to put you in a position where you were feeling guilty it into doing something that inconveniences you... but instead, they have unknowingly and unintentionally hurt your feelings.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Hmmmm...I mean I kind of agree with Caytlyn that you will have to move past it but if you feel this may hurt your relationship with your daughter in law maybe after the wedding have a conversation with her. The conversation can be more from the perspective of that you noticed you were left out of the wedding events a lot and you want to see if there is an issue between you two. Benefit of the doubt she did not think that not including would be hurtful. Do you and her mother get along because it sounds like her mother organized these events and left you out. Maybe her mom feels threatened by another woman being a part of her life? I would let your son know that you want to talk to her calmly after the wedding he can be there if he wants. I do not think you are doing the conversation to be rude rather maybe to let her know in the future how important it is to be involved in family matters but not their marriage.

    • Reply
  • Ali
    Devoted March 2021
    Ali ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. I am very close with my FMIL and I love her very much. My in laws are amazing and his extended family is just as amazing. I'd want my FMIL to enjoy the day too since her only son is getting married. They are contributing towards the wedding and paying for the tuxes since its only 3. I will include my FMIL in my bridal shower and bachelorette party (just simple fun wine and paint. Not really a partier or drinker) As far as hair and makeup goes, I didn't ask her about it or my mom (she has her own hair dresser that I see as well but I booked with a vendor that does specific wedding hair and makeup. Only time I'd be getting both done professionally so it's worth the cost) I would hate to hurt my FMIL but it just seems like choices were made and her mom wants to enjoy it with her.
    • Reply
  • LousieLou
    June 2021
    LousieLou ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Emma - Perhaps you don't think it's tone deaf because you haven't thought about this from someone else's perspective. Have you asked her if she wanted to be involved? Maybe if she'd been invited to the shower she would have come? No 'extra' guest from the FMIL? Who then is coming to your wedding? All your relatives and friends but none of her family? Mothers of grooms are (usually) just as excited about their son getting married - it's a big event to them, but they get relegated to the sidelines. It's especially hurtful since he's my only child - I understand that the M of the B gets most of the involvement but to not even think that I would want to participate or be included in anything for my only child's wedding is still hurtful to me. Perhaps your FMIL feels the same way but is also not saying anything. Why did you take the approach you did? It seems sure to cause hard feelings.

    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Rockstar November 2021
    Chrysta Online ·
    • Flag
    As far as you not getting invites for people, please do not feel that they were being malicious. This is actually common practice (especially when the couple is paying for everything themselves). Weddings have become less of a “social event” where you invite everybody you know, and more of a private, intimate affair. Neither my in-laws nor my parents will be getting any invites for people- my fiancé and I will be inviting only those closest to us that we wish to share that special moment with
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I kind of said a lot of what is here but she brings up good points too. If my mom were alive I am not sure I would invite me FMIL because she is nice and all but I would want that time with my mom you know? Maybe her mom wanted that too. I noticed you said above he became defensive of his wife. I personally do not think she did anything personal against you. Weddings I have been in the MIL was never getting ready with the others and one was visiting from France ha ha ha. I can see being hurt about not being invited to the events but yeah maybe they thought you were out of town and would not come. Granted it is COVID time but my friend's wedding I went to last year, I did not invite her to my bridal brunch because she lives in Colorado and I assume she would not fly down for mine. Maybe after the wedding just ask if everything is okay between your FDIL and you and just explain that you noticed you were not invited to some things and you thought that there was an issue but I think you have heard here since typically FMIL's are not there for the getting ready, regardless of living out of town, maybe that is what they assumed.

    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Rockstar November 2021
    Chrysta Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree, if you are still feeling upset after the wedding, you could have a talk with your DIL. I definitely would not do it before the wedding, as it is likely to upset her and stress her out even more. It doesn’t have to be some serious, formal sit down between the two of you... you could simply say that you really wish you could have been involved more in the wedding planning because you would have loved the opportunity to get closer; and now that she is your daughter, you would love to spend more time with her moving forward.
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Rockstar November 2021
    Chrysta Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Wait... are you saying that NO ONE (no friends or family) from the groom’s side is invited to the wedding other than you and your bf??
    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted October 2021
    Adrienne ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way, of course you wanted to be involved in your son's wedding, and maybe somehow there was miscommunication somewhere and the bride just relied on her mom more. I actually asked my FMIL multiple times if she wanted to come do hair and makeup with me, the BMs, and my mom, because I didn't want her to feel left out (she was the only female within the immediate families who would not be going), and she declined each time. I found out later that apparently it is courteous to invite the mother of the groom to getting ready festivities but ultimately she will most likely decline to be with her son the morning of the wedding. So maybe your FDIL just thought you'd want to be around your soon that day instead of with the bride tribe. You're still entitled to your feelings and I'm sorry you feel like you didn't get to help much in planning your only child's wedding. Definitely try to have a talk with FDIL after the wedding about how you want to be involved in their lives more moving forward, and maybe she'll feel more comfortable opening up to you if boundaries are set.

    • Reply
  • M
    Expert October 2022
    Michele Online ·
    • Flag
    Unfortunately some people have zero empathy for anyone except themselves. What you're describing, which goes WAY beyond hair arrangements, sounds like a deliberate snub on bride and her mom's parts. What you have offered is very generous and it rude for them to ignore it. Unfortunately there is not much you can do at the point and your feelings are valid. Especially if your son is defending the behavior, I don't see this ending well. Since you have expressed your concerns and been brushed off, it's now up to them to decide to mend fences or not.
    • Reply
  • Emma
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I still do not think it is tone deaf. Even from looking at it from a different perspective. Have you looked at from HER perspective? She probably has a ton of things running through her mind trying to get everything together.
    And to answer; Who’s all coming to my wedding? My guest and FHs guest. No one else gets to invite people to OUR wedding.
    Why didn’t I invite her to the shower? Because I didn’t feel it was necessary because it was only people my age; my mother popped in for about 15 minutes. Plus I didn’t want anyone at my house with Covid. Trust me, my FMIL doesn’t care. She’s very relaxed about the whole wedding thing. Heck we’re getting married in 7 days and she JUST bought her hotel. I feel as though it’d be different if she acted likeShe wanted to be more involved but then again FH kinda has not so great parents
    • Reply
  • LousieLou
    June 2021
    LousieLou ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Chrysta, No - not exactly, my son invited my brother/wife and my 2 nephews but no other family members on my side. He also has invited family members from his fathers side (2 aunts/1 uncle and Grandmother), I was saying I didn't get to add / invite anyone. I have some cousins and close girlfriends that I would have liked to invite, I've been to their kids weddings, showers, baby showers, and thought it would have been nice to include them. I've discussed the idea with them of me hosting a backyard party next year for them and inviting my friends and relatives. They seemed to open the idea, but we'll have to wait and see how COVID plays out.

    • Reply
  • LousieLou
    June 2021
    LousieLou ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Adrienne, Thank you. Perhaps you are right, they just wanted time together, I am working hard on letting it all go. My FDIL is getting her hair and makeup done with her bridesmaids, then her mother is joining them later. My son is planning on golfing in the morning with his groomsmen and friends, so no, I won't be spending time with him. I'm reading lots of different perspectives here, so obviously mine is skewed towards my feelings, I just gotta let it go. Smiley smile

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles