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November 2020

Hurt and not sure what to do

Nikki, on November 27, 2019 at 10:41 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 32

My niece is getting married in November 2020. I am only 13 years older than her, but because my brother and sister-in-law divorced when she was only 6 months old and my brother was in the army and stationed in Nashville, TN, my sister-in-law moved back to Michigan with my niece to be near family....
My niece is getting married in November 2020. I am only 13 years older than her, but because my brother and sister-in-law divorced when she was only 6 months old and my brother was in the army and stationed in Nashville, TN, my sister-in-law moved back to Michigan with my niece to be near family. Because her Mom worked fulltime, my parents and especially I spent a LOT of time caring for her. We basically raised her and as I got older, I drove her to pre-school, then kindergarten, etc. I also went with her to every school event, took her shopping for clothes, took her and her friends places and I'm not gonna lie, I was an awesome Aunt. When I went away to school in Grand Rapids, I would drive home for every concert, game, bday party, etc. Even after I had my own kids, I made sure I was there for everything including giving her, her first car.
When I got married, she was one of my bridesmaids and my youngest son's Godmother. Now she is getting married and at the engagement party, while she was passing out elaborate gift baskets to everyone she asked to be in the bridals party, she came over to me last and asked if I would do a reading at the wedding. Then she added, I was gonna get you a card, but couldn't find one that fit this topic--as I'm looking around at the thoughtful gifts she gave everyone else thinking "you couldn't even buy me a blank card and write a nice message? I hesitated for several moments before reluctantly agreeing. I'm hurt not only bc she put zero effort into asking me, but bc I guess I just thought with as close as we are, she'd want me to play a bigger role in her wedding. Am I wrong to feel hurt? Am I being oversensitive? I just can't help the way I feel and the more time that goes on, the more resentful I fell and I really don't even want to do the reading at this point but I don't know how to trll her that. Any thoughts?


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32 Comments

  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    Thank you, you are the only person that seems to understand and hasn't made me feel like a jerk. What you said sounds good and hopefully she won't get angry with me. It doesn't relieve the hurt I feel after everything I gave up to raise her when my brother (who still gets to walk her down the aisle) didn't come through for her and left it to me to take care of her. Yet he still gets one of the greatest honors there is--not that I expected her to ask me to do that obviosly.
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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    No, I didn't raise her expecting anything in return, but the way she has been treating me since she got engaged has broken my heart. Like I said, if I wasn't terrified of speaking in public and she hadn't made me feel like she literally made the decision while standing in front of me at her Engagement party, I might feel differently and I might work harder to swallow my fear. Other than that, all I expect from her in return is her love and respect just like anyone in my position would.
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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    And I will in time, but this is still very new and I need time.
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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    I already did offer to do those things and she got a very disrespectful attitude with me. And apparently she's treated her Mom and her chosen bridal party the same. Her Mom and I are worried she's going to end up losing friends over her Bridezilla attitude. The thing is I'm a retired party planner (specializing in weddings) and could help her plan the wedding of her dreams. I would never overstep and only want to help her realize her vision since she admittedly has no idea what she's doing. I even made her up a wedding planning book with some ideas, vendors, etc based on what she told me she wanted for her wedding and she literally tossed it on the couch next to her after all the work I put into it. So if I wasn't hurt before, that act would have done it on it's own. I know weddings are stressful. Not only have I had a wedding of my own, but before I got into the party planning business, my parents owned a very successful banquet hall my whole life until they retired. I know the ins and outs of weddings better than anyone else I've ever met considering I've been around them since birth and worked with my parents at a very young age. I'm not asking her to let me plan her wedding, but she didn't have to be so disrespectful to me.
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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    Your responses actually astound me. I feel bad for your niece. She probably thought she was doing a nice thing including you in the ceremony and instead it's going to be met with this vitriol.


    I think you need to realize the wedding is not about you. It's about her and her FS.
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  • Catherine
    VIP November 2019
    Catherine ·
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    I can see why you are hurt. I think maybe overreacting a little bit. she is still young and sees you differently. like a parent figure i'd say. So it is nice that she is including you - readings at weddings are from special people! I would just take it with a grain of salt and be there for her on her big day. That will mean the world to her, and you're still a part of it!

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  • Catherine
    VIP November 2019
    Catherine ·
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    Okay .. i was a bit empathetic with you.. until i read this. your brother didn't come through for her???? he is in the military .. SERVING HIS COUNTRY! he doesn't get to choose where to go and live. they TELL him where he's going and for how long. and considering he was in when they were married, his ex wife knew that when she left. how do you think your brother felt when she left with their daughter and moved away? I'm a little disappointed that a military sibling could be this way. You should be thankful for his service, not resent him for getting a divorce. he is still her father and deserves to walk her down the aisle.

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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    I do think it sounds a bit strange to include an aunt in your bridal party. Maybe she just wants girls around her own age?
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    I think you’re mad about a lot of things that you are implying/inferring. The fact is you thought you would be in the bridal party and you aren’t. You are, however, doing a reading. That is the fact. What you’re assuming and implying from that is that you don’t matter and you’re an afterthought, which isn’t necessarily true just because you think it is. I probably wouldn’t think to give a gift or card to someone doing a reading either. And like other PPs have said, while it’s fantastic that you did so much for her, you should do that without expecting praise or compensation.
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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    Everyone keeps saying that and it's really annoying bc that's not the case at all. What upsets me is her behavior. This is not the person I raised. She has been incredibly distespectfil to me, her mom and rven her bridal party. She turned into a Bridezilla and I'm disappointed in her.
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  • Monica
    Devoted July 2020
    Monica ·
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    I have an aunt who is only four years older than me. We were like sisters growing up together. She has been wonderful to me as an adult and is a very sweet person.


    I never even considered asking her to be in my wedding. A guest, sure, but IN the wedding, no.
    Also I asked my fiancé’s dad if he would officiate and he politely declined, saying he was nervous he would mess up. I’m sure he appreciated the offer and I appreciate his honesty in saying he was not comfortable with that role.
    Very grateful my aunt and FIL have not acted upset or taken the wedding decisions personally and gotten upset.
    Just an alternative point of view for you to consider.
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    Incredibly disrespectful how? As for being a bridezilla, I think plenty of us brides have moments where we go crazy. It’s normal.
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