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November 2020

Hurt and not sure what to do

Nikki, on November 27, 2019 at 10:41 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 32
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My niece is getting married in November 2020. I am only 13 years older than her, but because my brother and sister-in-law divorced when she was only 6 months old and my brother was in the army and stationed in Nashville, TN, my sister-in-law moved back to Michigan with my niece to be near family. Because her Mom worked fulltime, my parents and especially I spent a LOT of time caring for her. We basically raised her and as I got older, I drove her to pre-school, then kindergarten, etc. I also went with her to every school event, took her shopping for clothes, took her and her friends places and I'm not gonna lie, I was an awesome Aunt. When I went away to school in Grand Rapids, I would drive home for every concert, game, bday party, etc. Even after I had my own kids, I made sure I was there for everything including giving her, her first car.
When I got married, she was one of my bridesmaids and my youngest son's Godmother. Now she is getting married and at the engagement party, while she was passing out elaborate gift baskets to everyone she asked to be in the bridals party, she came over to me last and asked if I would do a reading at the wedding. Then she added, I was gonna get you a card, but couldn't find one that fit this topic--as I'm looking around at the thoughtful gifts she gave everyone else thinking "you couldn't even buy me a blank card and write a nice message? I hesitated for several moments before reluctantly agreeing. I'm hurt not only bc she put zero effort into asking me, but bc I guess I just thought with as close as we are, she'd want me to play a bigger role in her wedding. Am I wrong to feel hurt? Am I being oversensitive? I just can't help the way I feel and the more time that goes on, the more resentful I fell and I really don't even want to do the reading at this point but I don't know how to trll her that. Any thoughts?


32 Comments

Latest activity by Alejandra, on December 1, 2019 at 5:14 PM
  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
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    I get feeling disappointed...but at the same time she's still including you. Even if it wasn't as elaborate as the other gifts. Plenty of ladies on here aren't able to put all of the people they would have in their bridal party and find other roles for them.
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  • Normasgone
    Just Said Yes June 2020
    Normasgone ·
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    Thank you for this post. I’m just now getting things in order & do not want to overlook anyone. Congrats she wanted to include you. A reading is sooo perfect. 👌🏽 I’d be excited 😊 none the less. Overlook the details make her day memorable. & get her a book with a special bookmark of a memory of you both. Sorry it hurt you. Hugs
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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    And I understand that, but when you are the ONLY one that got nothing...not even a card while everyone else got something, it made me feel like she made the decision last minute. I would have been happy with a blank card that just let me know I was important to her and that she appreciated me raising her. I gave up a LOT of my teenage years and even my college years to be there for her when no one else was and I was treatrd as an afterthought. That's what stings.
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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    So I should make the effort that she didn't event though i've spent the last 2.5 decades raising her? I gave up my teenage years and my college years to be there for her and support her when no one else was there. I even got her, her first car and she treated me like an afterthought when it came to her wedding. A few years ago, someone I thought was my one of my closest friends excluded me from her bridal party and instead last minute asked me to do a reading as though I wasn't good enough to stand next to her but she asked me to do a reading as an afterthought to prevent any drama (not that I would have done that). I politely declined. This, however, is a niece I raised. Someone who wouldn't have gotten to go on field trips, have someone with her at her class parties, host her sleepovers, take her to movies, take her shopping for clothes and dresses for her dances and now suddenly, I'm not got enough. How am I not supposed to take that personally.? How is that not supposed to sting?
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  • Normasgone
    Just Said Yes June 2020
    Normasgone ·
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    I’m not implying you shouldn’t be hurt. It’s very devastating how people take others for granted & overlook those who have gone above and beyond for them. We cannot change how people are towards us. You did something amazing for her. I commend you for that, however it was your decision to do so & whole heartedly you did. It’s perfectly ok to feel hurt & sad. But what you did was something selfless. Unless you expected something in return. Not everyone is grateful maybe one day she will be.
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    How do you know she's not getting you a card or gift after the wedding? What bigger role were you expecting? Were you hoping to be a bridesmaid? It would never cross my own mind to make an aunt who is 13 years older a bridesmaid.

    I understand you feel hurt, but I'd hold off on making assumptions until after the wedding. Giving a bridesmaid a "proposal" gift is a trendy thing these days, but I don't think most people give parental figures a pre wedding gift asking them to participate in the wedding. It's kind of a given they'll be part of the wedding.

    Backing out of the reading because you weren't given a gift can come off as very petty. I understand that you feel like an afterthought, and maybe your niece should have thought this through better. I'm sure you put in all your time for your niece out of love, not for public recognition. Being a bridesmaid or getting a gift basket is not a reward for something you do out of the goodness of your heart.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I think you can be hurt but I also think you’re trying to hold things against your niece that aren’t on her. She didn’t ask you to help raise her or buy her things or take her to school. She didn’t ask you to give up your teen years for her. She was a child. Asking you to do a reading is still including you. If you decline after accepting, I’d expect that to hurt your relationship with her significantly. My husband’s father died when he was a baby and his mother died when he was a teenager. His aunts and uncles all played vital roles in his upbringing, including the things you mentioned you did for your niece. None of them were included in our wedding party or ceremony except the aunt he is closest to was part of our processional.
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  • Jennifer
    Devoted September 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    I think it was incredibly insensitive of your niece to hand out lavish gifts to her bridesmaids in the presence of others who didn't also receive a gift (ie you). I would feel so awkward doing that, and I can totally understand why you felt left out, especially given your unique relationship. I think it would have been better received if she had done the bridal party thing in private and honored you separately. It was just poor taste on her part to be honest. That said, as a bride it is difficult to honor everyone in your life in a way that you feel is appropriate and sometimes we do misstep. I hope you can see this as a short-sighted mistake and not an intentional slight against you.
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  • MIWM
    VIP June 2019
    MIWM ·
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    I don't blame you for feeling hurt, I would be too if I were you. It's nice that she is still including you though.

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  • Jennifer
    Super March 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    I totally understand your feelings and you shouldn't feel ashamed for feeling neglected. Especially considering you were a direct role model for the majority of her life and never let her down. Perhaps she just got used to her presence and started taking it for granted. Not to mention, everyone gets an elaborate basket and you get nothing, not even a post it? No wonder you aren't happy! Of course, it is easy to say be happy with your role in the wedding, but a role means nothing if you feel like an after thought. Believe me, I understand your situation.

    I got mad at my cousins for not even having the decency to send me my own invitation to a wedding. I've lived outside my parents home for 10 years so I found this a tad rude. Mainly because it takes zero effort to text me for an address. If my situation was irritating, then I can't imagine yours wouldn't.
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  • L
    Lady ·
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    I think you're super overreacting. She asked you to be a part of her wedding, I think that's awesome. Typically people give cards/letters/gifts later to thank you.


    Also, just for others reading - this exact scenario is why so many people really really hate being asked all together, in addition to the over the top "BM proposals" and stuff. Ask all your people individually, it's so much more comfortable for everyone.

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  • Kaysey
    Super February 2020
    Kaysey ·
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    I don’t blame you for feeling hurt one bit. I am sorry you feel this way and are going through this. It is hard to say why she didn’t give you anything besides the fact that she said she couldn’t find a card for the occasion. But I do agree with you, she could’ve found a blank card and at least wrote you something. I am holding onto hope for you that she will give you something the day of the wedding or not long after thanking you for doing a reading of you choose to do it.


    I would also say if you truly don’t want to do the reading anymore to be open about it and tell her. Being honest with her and even telling her that you were hurt about the way she asked you could open her eyes to her actions. Also, by telling her now about it wanting to do the reading, she has time to find someone else if she wants a reading at her wedding.
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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    Exactly this.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    No matter how great they are, it is pretty uncommon for people to have their aunts or uncles in the wedding party. My paternal grandmother's youngest sister is my Dad's age, though his aunt. She is my great aunt, but also my Godmother, who has given me extra time and attention all my life. But almost everyone seemed surprised that I would have her as my MOH, as I did. But I really was torn . Two of my mom's sisters are really close, too, and each allowed me to spend 1 year abroad living with them, 2 special years just before college. And a month at a time, all my life. And one of my Dad's sisters lives up the street, our day care for 6 years outside school time, many trips, always taking me along on work trips of hers later because 1 of her daughter's, and I, shared interests in theatre and music. But looking at my bridal party, after choosing my aunty, I wanted a childhood friend. A college and after friend. An army friend, all still in my life. And so, none of my 3 special aunts were anything but guests. Nor my 4 sisters. Nor my other aunts. Just , that my family is special, wedding party or not. But I also wanted these 3 friends. And if I started with family, then those not chosen would be a problem . . . Look at her choices. Doing a reading is special, and quite uncommonly, you are an aunt she wants, even if the recognition does not seem big, instead of other family or friends. Just not as BM or MOH .
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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    I think you need to let the hurt go. She is including you, and clearly wants you there and for people to see how much you mean to her on her wedding day. However, bridesmaids are usually besties, siblings, and maybe cousins who are the same age. Not an aunt or someone the bride looks at as a parental figure. Which it seems you are and have been to her. I don’t think this is odd for her not to have you as a bridesmaid. There’s so many stressful decisions when it comes to planning a wedding, don’t let your bitterness create more for her. If you want to be more involved with the planning, offer to help her and ask the bridal party to be included with the shower and bachelorette party. I’m sure they’d love an extra person to divide expenses between!
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  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
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    I really agree with what Jeanie said. Very well put!

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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    I was hoping this forum would be helpful, but it's only made me feel worse. Goodbye.
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  • N
    November 2020
    Nikki ·
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    The thing is that I HATE speaking in public and she is well aware of that. Her asking me to do this feels like more of a punishment than an honor. For my wedding, I asked my brother's wife and my brother-in-law's wife to do the readings bc the rest of the family was included and I didn't want them to feel left out. It had absolutely nothing to do with asking them to do something that was meaningful to me. I feel as though she's asking me to do this bc everyone else important has just that, an important role to fulfill. I'm not a materialist person, but when I watched her ask everyone else she wanted involved give them a meaningful gift and then tell me "oh sorry, I couldn't find a card for you", that only reinforced that asking me didn't mean anything to her. She could have bought me a blank card and written me a nice note or given me a framed photo of the two of us. Instead, I was asked bc there was no one else left and she made me feel like she made the decision literally minutes before she askedme. I don't want to do the reading and I'm currently trying to think of a way to politely inform her of that.
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    "I'm really honored and touched that you asked me to do a reading, but I am a horrible public speaker and the thought of doing this gives me a lot of anxiety. I don't want to be the one person to mess up the ceremony. Thank you for thinking of me, but it would be best if you give the role to someone who can do it better."
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  • Simone
    Dedicated April 2021
    Simone ·
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    No, you’re not being over sensitive; I do think that you should forgive her and let go of resentment though.
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