Now, proper etiquette states demoting and/or firing a MOH or BM is a huge no-no and you should be prepared to potentially lose that friendship. While I am usually one to respect said proper etiquette, I'm thinking that now, any and all etiquette has gone completely out the window. I am truly stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am very aware that I need to give my thoughts and feelings a little more time to process and I will come to my own decision in time, but I would greatly appreciate any and all sound advice, especially from those that may have had the same or similar situation.
Now let's get into the story and why I am asking this question....
My Maid of Honor, we will call her L, and I have been friends since we were 5 years old. So we are going on 24 years of friendship at this point. 24 YEARS. Let that sink for a second......Okay, on we go......we have never had any issue throughout our friendship, ever. Except for those stupid, meaningless fights we would get into when we were in elementary and middle school. You know the ones, that we can't even remember now. Just the dumb little stuff young girlfriends bickered about but then forgot about the very next day. Our friendship took a little bit of a hiatus some years back but that was due to going different directions in college, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. We "reunited" as if nothing had changed. We always always maintained honesty with each other, always been able to trust one another, or so I thought. L still lives in our hometown and I moved away about 6.5 years ago, but I didn't move far. It takes 2 hours, tops, to get there or for her to come here, so we visit with each other frequently.
I promise, what may seem like too much detail, unimportant or oversharing all plays a part in this, so please bear with me as I continue on with the story.
L and I are getting married a month apart from each other this year, so we planned a weekend to visit with each other and attend a bridal resale show in our hometown, so I went up to visit her. This was the weekend of February 10th(a week and a half ago). I went up on Saturday the 10th, we spent the day at a bridal shop, she tried on a few wedding gowns since she hadn't purchased hers yet, and she ordered her MOH dress for my wedding. Later that night, we went out with her fiance, we'll call him R, for drinks. I was feeling kind of off all day, kept getting these weird sporadic headaches. Being in a loud bar was just painful at that point. I survived a couple hours and then she offered to take my back home and get me to bed to rest for the night. Since we all rode together, R offered to stay back at the bar while L took me back to her place. She then left to go back to the bar to get R. As I was getting ready to lay down in her guest room, my fiance called to check in and see how I was feeling. We talked for a little bit and then I went to sleep. The next morning, Sunday Feb 11th, we attended the show. We were there for about an hour or so, her mother accompanied us. We grabbed some lunch after and then headed back to her place so I could gather my overnight bag and hit the road home.
Fast forward a few days, it is now Wednesday, Feb 14 (a week ago today), we texted a little bit, but not as much as usual. No big deal, wasn't worried about it. Thursday evening rolls around, she tried to call me but I missed it. Called her back, no answer. A few minutes go by and she texts me "Sorry I was in the shower, you can call back now." Called back, conversation started off normal. In the middle of chatting, she asked me if I could FaceTime her. Sure, not a problem at all. Didn't think anything of it because we FaceTime regularly. Once FaceTime connects, we start chatting again. She seemed a little different but I was trying not to think into it too much. Fiance and I had just met with our videographer an hour or so prior so I was updating her on that, just catching up in general. Now from here, she goes on to hit me with a grand slam. And to make it easy to follow, I'm going to list the conversation in text form:
L: "So it was really nice that you were able to come up and visit this past weekend..."
Me: "Yeah I agree, I really enjoyed it."
L:"But I'm missing something from my room, and I think you know what I'm talking about..."
Me: "Okay, but I don't know what you're talking about."
L: "I had money in my room and now it's gone."
Me: "Okay, and that involves me how?"
L: "This money has been there for the past two weeks, you came to visit and now it's gone."
Me: "I did not taking anything from you. I would never do that to you.
L: "You were in my home, alone, for 2 hours..."
Me: "Yeah, in the middle of the night, sleeping off a migraine! You actually think I went into your room and stole from you?!"
L: "I know finances have been tight lately and stress and desperation can do a lot to a person."
(Once she said that, I completely lost it)
Me: "Wow, I can't believe you just said that. Sure, things have been tight temporarily but I am an adult and I have always managed to keep our finances in order and get the bills paid on time. I never expected you to use a struggle I confided in you with against me. Just because things got tight for a moment doesn't mean I'm going to go and steal money from someone!"
L: "Well, yeah, you don't have to steal from anyone now because you found my money and hit the jackpot. I never expected to be having this conversation with you. This is not an easy conversation to have. This has been weighing on me all day today. And all day yesterday I was thinking about it. That's how I spent my Valentine's Day, thinking about this."
Me: "I'm sorry but it's not my fault you had a bad Valentine's Day and I'm having a hard time feeling bad about that because I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"
L: "I don't know what to believe. The money was there, you came to visit, and now it's gone. There is no other explanation."
Me: "I can't believe you actually think I would do this to you. What do I need to do? Send you screenshots of my bank account? Dig through all my belongings on FaceTime? What the hell do I have to do to get you to believe me?!"
Mind you, this was all on FaceTime, so we could see each other. This went around and around in a big circle for about 10 minutes. I realized that no matter what I said or how I said it, she wasn't believing me. She had her mind made up that I did this. I got so angry that I threw the phone on the ground and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I was devastated. My heart felt completely broken. After a few short moments of silence, I hear her say, "I have to go," and the FaceTime call ends. My fiance picked up my phone off the ground and I asked him to please call my mom. I have never stolen anything in my life. I have never disrespected someone in such a way. I was beside myself. I knew my truth. I knew that I did not do this and all I could hope for at that point was that the truth would come out.
Fast forward 3 days, now we are at this past Sunday, February 18. The fiance and I went out bowling with a couple close friends. He thought perhaps a "Sunday Funday" was in order to help raise my spirits a little bit. While bowling, a text from L appears on the lock screen of my phone.....
"I need to talk to you today, I have made a horrific mistake. I am driving to you right now and hope you will talk to me for even 5 minutes."
While those 3 days from the accusation to when the truth came out were 3 of the longest days and uncomfortably sleepless nights of my life, I was relieved that it all came to fruition and my innocence was found. But my heart still broken. I agreed to talk to her. BUT...fiance and I had to meet with one of our wedding vendors briefly after we finished bowling. I told her we were busy and I would meet her when we were done. By the time we finished up and got home, she had been waiting for an hour and a half. I walked up to her car and she was a mess. This was the first time, in 24 years, that I had seen this girl cry like this. I had never seen that big of an emotional mess. She found the "missing money" earlier that day. She found it......wait for it......IN ONE OF HER OTHER WALLETS! She pulled the cash out of the bank, stuck it in her wallet but then never put it into here "money spot" in her room. She forgot and it sat sitting in this unused wallet for weeks. I mean, seriously?! How do you not think to check any and everything, including wallets, purses, clutches, etc, before going and accusing someone?! Anyway, she thought it best to come down and apologize to my face. She knew she messed up, BIG TIME. I don't know how many times she apologized, too many to count. She said she doesn't deserve to be my maid of honor, she doesn't deserve to be a bridesmaid, she doesn't deserve to be in life and she doesn't even deserve my agreeing to listen to her. But I gave her a chance to explain herself and the whole situation. Once I allowed her a chance to speak, I made it very clear how it made me feel and what my thoughts were/are. I am hurt, bad. And in no way am I justifying the accusation she made against me but there were certain parts to the story that I could understand, to an extent. Could it have made sense for me to do it since I was alone in her home for a little bit? Sure. It could have. But regardless of the reasoning, it all comes back to this one thought/question/concern: After 24 years, how could you believe, even for a second, that I would actually do that to you?
Had she worded it and approached it differently, say along the lines of "Hey, you didn't happen to see any cash in my room or know what I might have done with it, do you?" or something like that. Or had she even given herself a few more days to remember where it was, this all could have been avoided. But instead, here we are. Now I'm left hurt and confused. Relieved that the truth came out but still heartbroken as ever. I have had a few days to think on this, and while I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, because her apology truly is genuine, and while I know she is not a bad person, she royally messed up. I will give her props for being able to swallow her pride and admitting she messed up, that is not an easy thing to do. And, as of right now, I am willing to, at some point, try to repair the friendship, but I am very aware that it will never again be what it once was. Even before all of this happened, one of my BMs, who I originally considered for MOH, has been far more of a MOH than L ever was and taking on the responsibilities that L "didn't feel comfortable doing," and I am considering promoting her, as she has proven herself far more caring and deserving. Especially since said BM, we will call her D, has been wonderful through this struggle, letting my vent and voice my thoughts and feelings, she has remained a neutral party, not speaking of or thinking ill of L at all.
But regardless of D, I am stuck on this whole situation with L. This is not easy. I never imagined having to deal with something like this, ever, especially with my oldest friend. I have told her that I need time to process this and she is respecting that but I am still completely devastated. She bought her MOH dress while I was up there, so I feel bad about that. And while I shouldn't feel bad about hurting L's feelings, I do. I feel terrible about all of this. And while I don't want to just completely throw the friendship out the window, when it comes to the wedding, it doesn't seem right to keep her as MOH. Even though the truth was found, this awful accusation was made, along with taking some jabs at me, and that alone, seems like grounds for stripping her of MOH rights. She mentioned that if I decided to keep her as MOH, this has made her want to be better at being the MOH. Well, I didn't want something potentially life-ruining to be the reason you finally stepped up to the plate. It's not right.
Now keep in mind that, as of right now, I have agreed to trying to repair the friendship, after some time has gone by for me to process this. So the thoughts/concerns/questions that keep arising in my mind are:
1. Is there anyone out there that has had a similar situation?
2. Do I just demote her from MOH and keep her a bridesmaid?
3. Do I release her from the bridal party altogether?
4. Can anyone lend me any sound advice?
I am not looking for disrespectful or rude replies. I am truly torn here, even though the answers may seem obvious, being in this position is not easy and I don't wish this on anyone. So please keep in mind that this is a very heartbreaking situation that I am struggling with deeply.
I apologize for the ungodly length of this post but I greatly appreciate any help!
Thank You.
