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Stephanie
Savvy October 2018

huge Dilemma: Has anyone ever demoted and/or fired a Maid of Honor?

Stephanie, on February 21, 2018 at 10:16 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 37
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Now, proper etiquette states demoting and/or firing a MOH or BM is a huge no-no and you should be prepared to potentially lose that friendship. While I am usually one to respect said proper etiquette, I'm thinking that now, any and all etiquette has gone completely out the window. I am truly stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am very aware that I need to give my thoughts and feelings a little more time to process and I will come to my own decision in time, but I would greatly appreciate any and all sound advice, especially from those that may have had the same or similar situation.

Now let's get into the story and why I am asking this question....


My Maid of Honor, we will call her L, and I have been friends since we were 5 years old. So we are going on 24 years of friendship at this point. 24 YEARS. Let that sink for a second......Okay, on we go......we have never had any issue throughout our friendship, ever. Except for those stupid, meaningless fights we would get into when we were in elementary and middle school. You know the ones, that we can't even remember now. Just the dumb little stuff young girlfriends bickered about but then forgot about the very next day. Our friendship took a little bit of a hiatus some years back but that was due to going different directions in college, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. We "reunited" as if nothing had changed. We always always maintained honesty with each other, always been able to trust one another, or so I thought. L still lives in our hometown and I moved away about 6.5 years ago, but I didn't move far. It takes 2 hours, tops, to get there or for her to come here, so we visit with each other frequently.

I promise, what may seem like too much detail, unimportant or oversharing all plays a part in this, so please bear with me as I continue on with the story.

L and I are getting married a month apart from each other this year, so we planned a weekend to visit with each other and attend a bridal resale show in our hometown, so I went up to visit her. This was the weekend of February 10th(a week and a half ago). I went up on Saturday the 10th, we spent the day at a bridal shop, she tried on a few wedding gowns since she hadn't purchased hers yet, and she ordered her MOH dress for my wedding. Later that night, we went out with her fiance, we'll call him R, for drinks. I was feeling kind of off all day, kept getting these weird sporadic headaches. Being in a loud bar was just painful at that point. I survived a couple hours and then she offered to take my back home and get me to bed to rest for the night. Since we all rode together, R offered to stay back at the bar while L took me back to her place. She then left to go back to the bar to get R. As I was getting ready to lay down in her guest room, my fiance called to check in and see how I was feeling. We talked for a little bit and then I went to sleep. The next morning, Sunday Feb 11th, we attended the show. We were there for about an hour or so, her mother accompanied us. We grabbed some lunch after and then headed back to her place so I could gather my overnight bag and hit the road home.

Fast forward a few days, it is now Wednesday, Feb 14 (a week ago today), we texted a little bit, but not as much as usual. No big deal, wasn't worried about it. Thursday evening rolls around, she tried to call me but I missed it. Called her back, no answer. A few minutes go by and she texts me "Sorry I was in the shower, you can call back now." Called back, conversation started off normal. In the middle of chatting, she asked me if I could FaceTime her. Sure, not a problem at all. Didn't think anything of it because we FaceTime regularly. Once FaceTime connects, we start chatting again. She seemed a little different but I was trying not to think into it too much. Fiance and I had just met with our videographer an hour or so prior so I was updating her on that, just catching up in general. Now from here, she goes on to hit me with a grand slam. And to make it easy to follow, I'm going to list the conversation in text form:

L: "So it was really nice that you were able to come up and visit this past weekend..."

Me: "Yeah I agree, I really enjoyed it."

L:"But I'm missing something from my room, and I think you know what I'm talking about..."

Me: "Okay, but I don't know what you're talking about."

L: "I had money in my room and now it's gone."

Me: "Okay, and that involves me how?"

L: "This money has been there for the past two weeks, you came to visit and now it's gone."

Me: "I did not taking anything from you. I would never do that to you.

L: "You were in my home, alone, for 2 hours..."

Me: "Yeah, in the middle of the night, sleeping off a migraine! You actually think I went into your room and stole from you?!"

L: "I know finances have been tight lately and stress and desperation can do a lot to a person."

(Once she said that, I completely lost it)

Me: "Wow, I can't believe you just said that. Sure, things have been tight temporarily but I am an adult and I have always managed to keep our finances in order and get the bills paid on time. I never expected you to use a struggle I confided in you with against me. Just because things got tight for a moment doesn't mean I'm going to go and steal money from someone!"

L: "Well, yeah, you don't have to steal from anyone now because you found my money and hit the jackpot. I never expected to be having this conversation with you. This is not an easy conversation to have. This has been weighing on me all day today. And all day yesterday I was thinking about it. That's how I spent my Valentine's Day, thinking about this."

Me: "I'm sorry but it's not my fault you had a bad Valentine's Day and I'm having a hard time feeling bad about that because I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

L: "I don't know what to believe. The money was there, you came to visit, and now it's gone. There is no other explanation."

Me: "I can't believe you actually think I would do this to you. What do I need to do? Send you screenshots of my bank account? Dig through all my belongings on FaceTime? What the hell do I have to do to get you to believe me?!"

Mind you, this was all on FaceTime, so we could see each other. This went around and around in a big circle for about 10 minutes. I realized that no matter what I said or how I said it, she wasn't believing me. She had her mind made up that I did this. I got so angry that I threw the phone on the ground and cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. I was devastated. My heart felt completely broken. After a few short moments of silence, I hear her say, "I have to go," and the FaceTime call ends. My fiance picked up my phone off the ground and I asked him to please call my mom. I have never stolen anything in my life. I have never disrespected someone in such a way. I was beside myself. I knew my truth. I knew that I did not do this and all I could hope for at that point was that the truth would come out.

Fast forward 3 days, now we are at this past Sunday, February 18. The fiance and I went out bowling with a couple close friends. He thought perhaps a "Sunday Funday" was in order to help raise my spirits a little bit. While bowling, a text from L appears on the lock screen of my phone.....

"I need to talk to you today, I have made a horrific mistake. I am driving to you right now and hope you will talk to me for even 5 minutes."

While those 3 days from the accusation to when the truth came out were 3 of the longest days and uncomfortably sleepless nights of my life, I was relieved that it all came to fruition and my innocence was found. But my heart still broken. I agreed to talk to her. BUT...fiance and I had to meet with one of our wedding vendors briefly after we finished bowling. I told her we were busy and I would meet her when we were done. By the time we finished up and got home, she had been waiting for an hour and a half. I walked up to her car and she was a mess. This was the first time, in 24 years, that I had seen this girl cry like this. I had never seen that big of an emotional mess. She found the "missing money" earlier that day. She found it......wait for it......IN ONE OF HER OTHER WALLETS! She pulled the cash out of the bank, stuck it in her wallet but then never put it into here "money spot" in her room. She forgot and it sat sitting in this unused wallet for weeks. I mean, seriously?! How do you not think to check any and everything, including wallets, purses, clutches, etc, before going and accusing someone?! Anyway, she thought it best to come down and apologize to my face. She knew she messed up, BIG TIME. I don't know how many times she apologized, too many to count. She said she doesn't deserve to be my maid of honor, she doesn't deserve to be a bridesmaid, she doesn't deserve to be in life and she doesn't even deserve my agreeing to listen to her. But I gave her a chance to explain herself and the whole situation. Once I allowed her a chance to speak, I made it very clear how it made me feel and what my thoughts were/are. I am hurt, bad. And in no way am I justifying the accusation she made against me but there were certain parts to the story that I could understand, to an extent. Could it have made sense for me to do it since I was alone in her home for a little bit? Sure. It could have. But regardless of the reasoning, it all comes back to this one thought/question/concern: After 24 years, how could you believe, even for a second, that I would actually do that to you?

Had she worded it and approached it differently, say along the lines of "Hey, you didn't happen to see any cash in my room or know what I might have done with it, do you?" or something like that. Or had she even given herself a few more days to remember where it was, this all could have been avoided. But instead, here we are. Now I'm left hurt and confused. Relieved that the truth came out but still heartbroken as ever. I have had a few days to think on this, and while I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, because her apology truly is genuine, and while I know she is not a bad person, she royally messed up. I will give her props for being able to swallow her pride and admitting she messed up, that is not an easy thing to do. And, as of right now, I am willing to, at some point, try to repair the friendship, but I am very aware that it will never again be what it once was. Even before all of this happened, one of my BMs, who I originally considered for MOH, has been far more of a MOH than L ever was and taking on the responsibilities that L "didn't feel comfortable doing," and I am considering promoting her, as she has proven herself far more caring and deserving. Especially since said BM, we will call her D, has been wonderful through this struggle, letting my vent and voice my thoughts and feelings, she has remained a neutral party, not speaking of or thinking ill of L at all.

But regardless of D, I am stuck on this whole situation with L. This is not easy. I never imagined having to deal with something like this, ever, especially with my oldest friend. I have told her that I need time to process this and she is respecting that but I am still completely devastated. She bought her MOH dress while I was up there, so I feel bad about that. And while I shouldn't feel bad about hurting L's feelings, I do. I feel terrible about all of this. And while I don't want to just completely throw the friendship out the window, when it comes to the wedding, it doesn't seem right to keep her as MOH. Even though the truth was found, this awful accusation was made, along with taking some jabs at me, and that alone, seems like grounds for stripping her of MOH rights. She mentioned that if I decided to keep her as MOH, this has made her want to be better at being the MOH. Well, I didn't want something potentially life-ruining to be the reason you finally stepped up to the plate. It's not right.

Now keep in mind that, as of right now, I have agreed to trying to repair the friendship, after some time has gone by for me to process this. So the thoughts/concerns/questions that keep arising in my mind are:

1. Is there anyone out there that has had a similar situation?

2. Do I just demote her from MOH and keep her a bridesmaid?

3. Do I release her from the bridal party altogether?

4. Can anyone lend me any sound advice?

I am not looking for disrespectful or rude replies. I am truly torn here, even though the answers may seem obvious, being in this position is not easy and I don't wish this on anyone. So please keep in mind that this is a very heartbreaking situation that I am struggling with deeply.


I apologize for the ungodly length of this post but I greatly appreciate any help!

Thank You.

37 Comments

Latest activity by falkenmarried, on February 22, 2018 at 5:52 PM
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
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    What a hurtful experience to go through!

    I wouldn't recommend demoting or promoting anyone. She made a giant mistake and has acknowledged it and apologized for it. I would do absolutely nothing for the time being.

    In time you may be able to empathize with her. Sure,she could have worded it more gently but can you imagine how she felt believing that her best friend had stolen from her? Feeling that betrayed, it would be hard to be the world's best communicator.

    Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels. See how you feel in a few months.

  • B
    Dedicated May 2019
    Bride2Be ·
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    I honestly don't know what to tell you. I would probably still keep her in the bridal party, for me one horrible mistake wouldn't override twenty-plus years of friendship, but I know what it's like to be accussed of stuff you didn't do, and what a crappy feeling it is.
  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
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    I wouldn't erase 20+ years of friendship over this. She is obviously remorseful.

    Keep her in your wedding party and allow this time to be for healing the broken trust. After the wedding stress is gone, have more one on one time with her. I've had some pretty nasty fights with my closest friends but time has healed us and made us stronger.

  • Denise
    Expert June 2018
    Denise ·
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    I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm sure you are both feeling heartbroken. I agree with PPs, I wouldn't demote her. Time tends to heal most wounds. Just give it time and work on your friendship. Just like you would work through any problems with FH, there is no reason why you shouldn't treat this 24 year long friendship the same way. She made a HUGE mistake. Communicate, go out on coffee dates, vent, talk. And with time, you'll both start to see that it doesn't hurt very much anymore. I wish you and L the best ❤️
  • NinjaBride
    Super June 2018
    NinjaBride ·
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    I agree with Muriel! I would leave it as is. You can work on repairing your friendship for the time being. I’m thinking her statement about finances being tight and it driving people to act differently might actually be a reflection of what is going on with her.
  • Stephanie
    Devoted July 2018
    Stephanie ·
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    I don't think I'd demote her and promote another person. She made a HORRIBLE mistake but as pp said, does that override the 24 years of friendship? It's super hurtful (I'd honestly be pretty petty about it for some time) but y'all have been through a lot together and at this point she's more like a sister to you. I wouldn't do anything.

    For what hat it's worth, one of my bridesmaids would/did drop everything when I had a wedding freak out the other night and helped me do things. My MOH did not. I've been considering making this bridesmaid my matron of honor (she just got married) but I feel like since they've all had their roles for a few months and I've been best friends with MOH for almost 22 years, it might lead to hurt feelings I don't want. Either way, this situation sucks but you'll know the right thing to do in time.
  • D
    Expert December 2018
    Debbie ·
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    This must have been an awful experience for you to have gone through. I wouldn't however demote or remove your friend from her place in the wedding party. My reasoning is because your friend realized she made a mistake in her accusations about the money, she then in person apologized and was clearly upset at what she had done. This shows that she values your friendship enough to travel to meet up with you, and give the sincere apology. Yes, it would have been better to not have accused you in the first place. However wedding planning can add excess stress in a persons life, and could have been what made your friend jump to the wrong conclusions. If you keep her in your bridal party and you both work at regaining the trust and respect you clearly must have had to be friends for so long, then I'm sure your friendship will be strong enough to get through this period of time also. Good friends are too valuable to throw away quickly over mistakes. If your friend hadnt apologized sincerely, that would have been a different story in my opinion.
  • Erica
    Savvy November 2019
    Erica ·
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    I am sorry you are having to go through this.

    My story may help slightly even though it isn't the same as yours. I was a MOH to my best friend since 7th grade. During the 3 month engagement I was completely supportive of anything she needed (she is and was 1200 miles away from my location). She was having a small wedding, so there was just one BM and the MOH. During the process and leading up to the final decision on people, guest list, etc. Her bridesmaid was in super limited contact. Like couldn't reach her for days contact. She voiced her issues to me about it and that she hadn't done anything even remotely wedding related. She eventually decided to go with another one of our friends as her BM. I called the original BM and told her the bad news. The bride felt horrible so she made her a bridal attendant (can't remember exactly what it was called). She was seated in the front row during the wedding.

    Thoughts: do what is best for you. You need support. If she is not giving it to you tell her your thoughts and mention that she is still very important to you. Go with your gut.

  • K
    Dedicated October 2018
    Katie ·
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    I agree with PPs, she was probably frantic when she couldn’t find the money, she is obviously very remorseful and everyone makes mistakes. Give her another chance
  • Mrs.Married
    Devoted September 2017
    Mrs.Married ·
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    After my wedding, I was missing 2 tubes of Rodan & Fields lash boost - one brand new! At $130 each I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t accuse anyone. What a terrible thing to do. I’m so sorry for you!!

    That said, she owned up to her mistake. In person. That says a lot. I know it’s fresh, but Inwoukd give her some grace and forgive her. Most people wouldn’t own up to such an egregious mistake, she’s obviously trying. I think it’ll take some time, but try to forgive her.
  • O
    Master October 2017
    O ·
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    No demoting/promoting. Your friend knew she made a horrible mistake, knew it hurt you, and apologized. Let time, and open communication heal your relationship.
  • Erica
    Expert August 2018
    Erica ·
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    Honestly no one can tell you what to do or how to feel. It sucks being accuse of things by a friend. I lost a friend that way, but once they found out the truth they hid and wasn't remorseful. I'm glad your friend realized her mistake and was remorseful because you probably be able to build your friendship back up. Just think who you want there on your big day and will you regret if she wasn't there next to you on your big day. In time everything will work out.
  • MariaNiichel
    Just Said Yes July 2023
    MariaNiichel ·
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    Girl. I think this all depends on how much you value loyalty. No one here can value that. Let’s just say if this were me and I was broken hearted by someone I trusted I may forgive them and keep them in the wedding, but if you’re this hurt and feel this terrible she should be someone that’s your right hand. Sounds like you had doubts before, and this just confirms them. If I were you I would take some serious time and reflect. Talk to those who know you best and look in the mirror. Do you want her standing next to you? And if not are you okay with that that means for your friendship. It seems as though you view your relationship much different than she does and maturity is at a different level. I had to get rid of one of my best friends and BM. Most girls on here would say I’m a bit*h, though I miss her, I do not regret the extra stress it gave me to worry she would be there next to me, compared to the less stress that she is now not going to be there. Sounds bad, but sometimes the crappy situations and hardest in life bring out the truth in friends. Forgive her and let go. But I wouldn’t put up with pretending that this betrAyal didn’t rock your view of her. Things change. That’s okay
  • Becky
    Expert January 2018
    Becky ·
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    This is a very hurtful situation and I understand why you have such a dilemma. However, I wouldn't kick her out or anything. If she seriously wants to step down that's her prerogative.

    In my opinion, it sounds like stress is getting to her a bit, especially because she's planning her own wedding too, and not thinking clearly. Could she have handled the situation differently? Yes. Was she thinking clearly at the time? Probably not. Iran hindsight 20/20 and does she regret the whole thing? Yes.

    It's your call what to do from here but is throwing away 24+ years of friendship because of a misunderstanding worth it? That's up to you to decide.
  • Becky
    Expert January 2018
    Becky ·
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    *not iran, should have said "is hindsight 20/20..." etc. Silly phone
  • Tracy
    Super January 2019
    Tracy ·
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    You are both under a great deal of stress right now (we all can relate). I'd suggest forgiving your friend *for your own sake*, and moving on. Don't demote her, as it will just make the bad episode drag on. She sounds extremely remorseful.

  • Jennifer
    Master September 2018
    Jennifer ·
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    I have a friend since birth and we have the same type of relationship, she is actually getting married two months after me. While I would feel incredibly hurt, I would not ever want to get married without her there beside me. She made a terrible mistake and I would def forgive her for it, she seemed so remorseful she wanted to apologize face to face with you. I would definitely break her chops about it and turn it into a laughable matter to release the friction. Stress can make people do things they would never do, I would chalk it up to that. I am sorry you went through this, hopefully it's all behind you now and you both can go back to where you were friendship wise. Smiley flower

  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
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    She drove TWO HOURS to apologize to you in person - four hours round trip. That says so much about her character. It also sounds like this was a significant amount of money. The loss of which would stress out anyone. The timing of your visit was unfortunate in that the money was "missing" after your visit. Given the same circumstances, most people would likely wonder whether the visiting friend had taken the money.

    Accept her apology and move on. If you're lucky, this will be something you laugh about when you are little old ladies in your rockers. She: "Can you imagine I ever thought you had taken that money?" You: "You always were a little bit crazy."

  • NikNak
    Master September 2018
    NikNak ·
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    I have to say, I agree with PP's too. This is obviously an awful experience, but your friend sounds extremely remorseful. Honestly, I've had issues where friends have just said "sorry" and thought we were good.

    Weddings do crazy things to people, and weddings + money = the mother-lode of crazy. And honestly, even the best of friends can have issues every now and again. It's just like any relationship, they go through growing pains, and you hit a painful growth spurt. See if you can work through it, I know I'd try for a 24 year friendship. I'm sure your friend knows you're still hurt, take some time and try to talk to each other as friends for a while, maybe keep the wedding talk out of it.

  • Kiersten
    Expert February 2018
    Kiersten ·
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    I was expecting something so much more heinous that her accusing you of stealing money.

    I certainly would not fire her or demote her over that (and I am the Queen of burning bridges).

    She did the right thing and apologized in person. Driving 4 hrs round trip no less to do it. She made a mistake, and she immediately corrected when she realized what she did. To attempt to punish her for that mistake now is just spiteful and will throw away a perfectly good friendship.

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