How to tell sister to STFU, in the right way? :)

Oh Lord that sounds awful...

But I wouldn't "blow up" at her. That's not going to help anything and will probably make things worst. Next time she makes a comment like that, say something that is simple, direct, and calm, like "Wow" or "Well, that was rude." And then move on. Most people who act like that do it for attention, and by blowing up and yelling at her, you're giving her the attention she wants. The best way to handle these types of people is to refuse to engage them. Good luck!

You make a lot of great points Melissa. But it's hard to stand up for myself after my whole life being a different way! And I'm just scared that people will just call me a Bridezilla for yelling at her. I just don't want to be the bad guy in this. But I need to deal with it and stand up for myself. For once in my life. We intentionally just moved 45 minutes away from my family to get away from this all. My fiance told me he was actually concerned about my family since he knows they will always be there to bring me down and he knows I always fall to take care of them (Case in point, this weekend I am driving 1.5 hours to take my mother's dying dog (who is my other sister's but she never even took her outside once in 13 years or paid anything for her so my mom took care of her). My mom refuses to put her down even though she needs to be because she's in terrible pain. Even though my two sister's live within 10 minutes of them and the vet, I have to drive 1.5 hours to take her to the vet because my mom said the other two don't feel like it. My fiance is not happy that I'm caving to them again. But I don't know what else to do when a dog's life is involved). I just have a hard time standing up for myself after how they treated me when I was younger. My twin didn't want me sharing a room anymore so she kicked me so hard in the spine that I couldn't talk, couldn't move and I could barely breathe for over an hour (Since then I've had debilitating migraines and bad neck problems). My mom never said anything to her. I explained what happened when she came home from work and my mom started screaming at me that she can't go away to work without us causing problems. I had to move my stuff (the things she didn't destroy) into the unfinished basement. And sometimes while I was showering or when I was sleeping my mom would be there with my sister and they would scream at me that they were going to slit my throat and cut all my hair off while sleeping (I have super curly hair that everyone comments is so pretty). And my mom used to yell that all of her kids need the same opportunities in life so I had to do my sister's homework so she wouldn't fail and be held back.

So after that and more being drilled into me at a younger age, it's really hard to step out and stand up for myself.

Kathleen, it sounds as though your mom is as crazy as your sis.

Walk away from them for your own physical safety and peace of mind.

Don't discuss the wedding with them, ignore phone calls and texts. Have security guard at your wedding.

Kathleen...you really have to stop. You're doing too much. At some point you have to come to grip that you ARE important. I tell my friends that you can't blame other ppl when you're not happy. They're doing whatever it take to make sure they get what they want. It's up to you to decide enough is enough. This is like being in an abusive relationship. You're not a little girl living with Mama. You're a grown INDEPENDENT WOMAN now is time to start putting your big girl pants on and tell them to Back The F@CK off. This sounds like a deep issue where you may need therapy. You keep going back to things when you were a child.

I'm going to be a bit blunt here so please keep that in mind. I know that it's hard not to be invested in these relationships because they are family but you need to stop making excuses for them. They have not only physically abused you but mentally/emotionally as well. It is time you stop focusing on your relationships with them and start taking care of yourself. Your wedding is over a year away so you have time to take care of yourself first and let the "drama" blow over. If they cannot respect that then they do NOT deserve to be in your life. Period. End of story. I really hope that you are talking to a professional to help you sort this whole mess out.

Good luck with everything!

Kathleen, my heart goes out to you. What a tough situation. I understand what you're saying about being passive your whole life to them, but please consider that they will most likely ruin your day. RUIN your wedding day, which is to celebrate you and the man you have found to begin your own family with.

Can you gracefully bow out? Just tell your sister (and mom, if needed) that you want to plan your wedding on your own, you need to focus on you right now, and just don't have time to deal with them? Don't worry about being "seen" as a bridezilla. Who cares!!!! It will be difficult but you need to stand up for yourself. You can stand your ground and stay calm.

Don't take the dog. Don't. That's hard for me to say because I am an animal person 100%, but the way they treated you....it's appalling. I understand that as a child you can't fend for yourself and that is truly sad, but now you can. You're out of there. Don't go back to those abusive people. Why would you even consider going back!? I know it must be very hard to break that cycle, but with the help of your FH, you have to stay away from that toxic environment. Say you don't feel like driving either and the sisters can do it. If you can't bring yourself to do that, go get the dog, give her the last gift you can of putting her to sleep at the vet, go home, and never look back. This is like Cinderella. You lived with abusive people, you found your prince, now go be happy with your prince and leave your mom and sisters in the dust. You don't owe them anything. You owe it to yourself to be happy for once. This does not require blowing up at them. Forget I said that because this is a completely different situation, but kindness definitely will not work. They need help. You need to get away from that situation.

WOW if this is all true, that's just insane !! (I mean all of your comments since the original post).

You were abused as a child. End of story. You were abused. These type of people need to be cut out of your life completely. I would not invite your mother or sister to your wedding. You need to just completely move on with your new life and just stop responding to them. They are clearly horrible people that need help. If I were you, I'd put a restraining order out on your sister.

Yeah, I was actually considering finding a therapist to talk to because it still bothers me and holds me back. Until I met my fiance I thought everyone grew up like that. And it hurts our relationship since I cave to help them and he sees it just upsets me so he gets upset that I keep caving. For Christmas I gave my mom $1,000 (which would have been used to pay off my car but I gave to them instead) since they were struggling. My siblings called me selfish, the B word, condescending and whatever else you could think of along those lines. My mom or dad never thanked me for one minute. But they did call me a couple weeks later to take the other dog to the vet. So my fiance got really mad that I even tried that hard to help them. At first he was sympathetic, but now he just get upset because I keep doing it to myself by keeping saying yes. I'm just so worn down that I feel like being submissive is the easiest at this point because I know arguing or talking rationally won't get me anywhere. Maybe I should see a therapist soon and see what their professional opinion is. It's just hard to find one without missing work, I imagine. Doctor's have terrible hours! Lol.

Thankfully, the in-laws are great. His mom emails me all the time and is the sweetest thing. His brother and sister in law message me and are super sweet and helpful. Too bad they are 3 hours away across state lines! But we do our best to involved ourselves with them.

So, should I just send you all a paypal for this therapy bill? Lol. I know I'm messed up, but most people I've tried talking to in the past stop me and say everyone has problems and I don't have it bad. I have a very good life with my FH and it's great to have someone who cares about me. Very strange at first. But it's nice! Hope I didn't put a damper in anyone's day. I really didn't mean to bring this into such a poor me marathon. Sorry! But thank you everyone for your help. I will just go back to full on ignoring them.

I really hope you take my experience into consideration and listen to your instincts. Your family sounds just as toxic as mine and it took me a long time to realize it... I mean your family sounds almost identical to mine. It was not until a week or so after I got married that I realized I did not have to put up with the way my family was treating me anymore because my husband is my family too. A coworker gave me a book written by Dr. Phil called “Self Matters” and the book explains that you teach people how to treat you. This has completely opened my eyes and I realize I deserve to be happy and have slowly been developing a backbone.

You might be starting to have a good life, but But BUT, having grown up being abused, you will tend to fall into patterns that don't lead anywhere good. I know this all to well. Find a therapist. There are many that take clients early or after work hours. Heal yourself. You will be surprised at how different life can be.

I'm confused why your sister and mother are going dress shopping with you or even invited to your wedding at all with how you've said they treat you.

You don't need to be polite. Tell the both of them to STFU, that this is your wedding, your doing things your way, and if they don't like it, they don't have to come. Though, in all seriousness, I don't understand why you would even want them there in the first place. Tell them they've been horrible to you and you don't feel they respect you or your fiance and till they can learn to do that, you don't want them at the wedding. Then walk away and don't feel guilty about it.

Emily - I'll look into the book. Thanks!

Crystal - I understand. My last boyfriend I was with for 2.5 years even though he physical and mentally abused me. I was miserable, but I didn't have the money yet to live alone on my own again so I needed to be anywhere else but my home while saving money. Thankfully I came to my senses and left him and used all the money I had left to buy a condo by myself I know everyone says this, but this guy is different. For the first time he tries to get me to stand up for myself, not just do everything for him and what he wants to do. And he genuinely looks out for me. 4 years together this month and there haven't been any problems, yet!

Heidi - I understand. I took my mom dress shopping and my oldest sister in from AZ. When I got back to my house, my twin made the comments. She hasn't gone dress shopping with me and never will be invited. I invited my mom because I keep inviting her to wedding stuff and she keeps declining, then telling family members that we are intentionally excluding her from things. So I needed to be diplomatic and invite her dress shopping. I was just trying to be nice. But I understand it doesn't make sense to a normal person. Lol. Like I said, it's hard for me to get out of that pattern.

Okay. This is getting too sad. Here's a puppy meme...

Kathleen, even though he helps you, it is the pattern in your own mind/self/psyche that needs healing. It is that small space inside you that is hurt. Being told over and over again that you are no good embeds itself deep in your psyche. Even if you say that you are good enough to others, you still do things like, giving them a car payment instead of paying your car off, inviting them to dress shop when they have done things like threaten to harm you. I wanted to show my family that I am good enough too. I included them when I should not have. I got therapy. When I did, I found that I finally felt it was ok to let go. I didn't HAVE to prove anything to them. I knew logically that I never could prove anything, nothing would be enough. I had to know it in my heart to break away and create the family that I wanted.